Forty is an interesting decade.
I only arrived a couple years ago, and it’s still taking me time to remember. On my insides I’m stuck at around thirty six. Forty feels like my mom’s age.
And then I remember that I am someone’s mom. I’m three someone’s moms.
It’s the strangest thing to go to bed late because I’m a grown up and I’m allowed to stay up and watch movies and eat ice cream right out of the container. But then, when I wake up it’s because the alarm goes off and I’m responsible for coaxing three children out of bed and into school uniforms.
I make school lunches. I butter endless slices of white bread with peanut butter for one and jam only for another and the traditional combo for my third.
I pack bags of Doritos and I fret about how I’m not feeding them healthy enough options and even that makes me feel old.
How did I get here?
How did I arrive at this place where I’m supposed to know things, and yet I still feel like an awkward teenager as I try to make an appointment for a lawn service to deliver mulch. It feels strange to give the driver directions to a house that I own.
There are many days I’m still waiting for someone to take care of me. But then I hear the washing machine ping, and I get up to switch the load over to the dryer because if I don’t there won’t be clean baseball uniforms on Saturday and everyone knows that moms don’t forget to have the uniforms ready on game day.
They trust me with their uniforms, these kids. And they trust me with their tiny, broken hearts on sad days and with their big dreams of owning a farm and playing professional football.
I don’t feel prepared.
I don’t feel like all my years between then and now have prepared me for how to properly respond. I’m lost in a grown up’s body without the relevant manual and tomorrow I have to keep being a grown up and where do grown up’s go when they feel as scared as their kids?
I unload the dishwasher and keep waiting to feel responsible enough for the life I’ve been trusted with. There always seem to be more glasses than shelf space. How does that happen? The floor always needs to be swept. No one will mow the yard if Peter and I don’t do it.
We are in charge here. And some days I’m not up for it.
I was on a work trip in Nashville last week, and we stumbled into the most perfect little home interiors store. I took photos of almost every nook and cranny because it was so beautiful, so tidy, so restful.
And on the porch I paused in front of a sign. And I wondered why that sign had made my, “I can’t believe I’m a grown up when most days I can’t even remember to buy milk” heart start thudding.
I live my life like, “I’m the Lisa-Jo who has to move the mountains.” I’m so stuck there that I start to believe it. Like Wednesday won’t come if I don’t make it happen by sheer force of will. And I wonder why I wake up exhausted.
But I stood on that front porch and stared at that sign and remembered what I’d forgotten. That there is a God who lives outside of time and who holds time and me and this planet and tomorrow’s laundry in His hands. As easily as I swing a toddler onto my hip.
And it’s all on Him. It always was. He’s the God who moves the mountains.
He’s the God who made the mountains. He’s the God who names the mountains. He’s the God who can unmake, remake, redesign, or relocate the mountains.
I find my breath and it’s easier to breathe in and out again.
I take a photo so I can remember. I can remember that maybe I still feel like a child because in the ways that matter most I always will be. And it’s a profound relief.
Leave a Comment“See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are.” {1 John 3:1, ESV}.
Julie Garmon says
Love, love, love. I identify–big time, even though I’m in my fifties. P.S. I don’t think your click to tweet link works. xoxoxo
Lisa-Jo Baker says
Thanks Julie! (And the click to tweet is now updated – thanks for the heads up!) 🙂
Julie Garmon says
Tweeting! 🙂
Bev @ Walking Well With God says
Lisa-Jo,
I don’t know if this will make you smile or cry…but at 55 I still feel unequipped to handle some of the responsibilities that come my way. How do I handle adult children and aging and dying parents? Where’s the playbook on this life?? It’s in that handy dandy book I call the Bible. It gives me guidelines on how to live my life, but even better, God gives me Himself to call upon when I feel so utterly helpless and clueless. He gives me the Holy Spirit for guidance and wisdom, and even better when I mess up (as I am often prone to do) God lovingly comes and fills in the gaps I missed with His presence. I can’t be everywhere and do everything…but He can and so I do my best and then trust in Him. Right there with you, sister…and still learning.
Blessings,
Bev
Lisa-Jo Baker says
Thanks Bev, I think it’s comforting to accept that there’s no “magic age” that will finally make me feel like a grown up. It’s nice to know all the other grown ups feel unqualified as well 🙂
Beth Williams says
Bev,
I, too, feel unequipped to handle life. Especially aging parents and their health issues. Like you I just go to God and ask for wisdom and talk to Godly friends who pray with me. Life doesn’t get easier with age-just more complicated. Prayers sweet friend.
Blessings 🙂
Michele Morin says
I have similar thoughts when I look at the green hills that comprise the horizon I see every day. Absolutely unchanging, they form a beautiful background, but even they are not as immutable as our God. He’s the real “grown-up” in the room, because He needs nothing and is always ready to pour life into His children!
Not sure how anybody ever really “grows up” without Him!
Lisa-Jo Baker says
“He’s the real grown up in the room” — yes, I love that so much!
Beth says
Wow -great for me to read this today. I’ve got these stubborn mountains in my life that I keep trying to lasso and move on my own……aaaannndddd they won’t budge. And I’m tired of trying to push and pull them in the direction I want them to go! It’s hard to wait on God to move them, but only He can. Thank you for this genuine reminder today. I, like the commenters before me, am in my mid-fifties so it doesn’t necessarily get easier with age, but it does get easier as you walk with Him.
Lisa-Jo Baker says
“It doesn’t get easier with age but it gets easier as you walk with him” – gosh, that’s so good. Thanks Beth.
Beth says
🙂
Mary Haynie says
Lisa-Jo,
I’m still feeling this way at almost 65 and in a new marriage. No kids/grandkids at home. I know that Christ is holding me all the time. I depend on Him. Thank you Lord
Lisa-Jo Baker says
So grateful to know it’s not just me!
Joanne Peterson says
Lisa-Jo, I am parenting a second time around. I am an “experienced parent” and I still don’t feel equipped to parent, and be the adult. I also have other issues with grown children, and grandchildren, aging parents, and I am realizing and have realized, I can’t fix so many things, only God can fix them. Do I always remember this? NO! I don’t remember this. Some things I fret over are because of fear, embarrassment, exhaustion, my own expectations, etc. And when I look back with 20/20 eyes, I come to the understanding it wasn’t worth fretting over; it’s just not that big of a deal. Thank you for the reminder of God can move the mountains, I can’t. I have a friend who has a phrase and I will need to mindfully use this phrase, “Pray, obey, and sit back and watch the movie.” Blessings, Joanne
Lisa-Jo Baker says
Thank you for the reminder, Joanne, that I haven’t missed the grown up boat and that we’re all just figuring this out as we go.
Rosemarie says
Praise Jesus!!!!! – that I’m not the only one out here that feels this way. Thank you my sister for sharing your heart today. So refreshing and encouraged by your words.
Lisa-Jo Baker says
Right? Just how I feel too reading all these comments!
Carey Christian says
I feel like this always, and I’m only 4.5 years into to motherhood. Most days it paralyzes me if I think too long on it. So thank you for the reminder that God holds it all “As easily as I swing a toddler onto my hip.” Beautiful! That picture is powerful! And the reminder that we ARE children! Oh yes. Thank You, Father!
Lisa-Jo Baker says
Thanks Carey!
JeanneTakenaka says
So many times I feel like everything is up to me. In fact, yesterday, I lived that way, and the day ended in discouraged exhaustion. Not a good way to live. I need to remember that it’s not “Jeanne who moves mountains.” It’s my Abba. There’s rest that comes in living like I believe it really is God who moves my mountains.
I needed this reminder today, Lisa-Jo. Thanks for such a beautiful post.
Lisa-Jo Baker says
Thanks Jeanne – I needed the reminder too.
Meredith Bernard says
So often it feels like you are reading and writing my very own story. Next stop – back to grocery store for milk I forgot yesterday. So needed this reminder. Thank you! <3
Lisa-Jo Baker says
Oh sister, been there, done the drive through for forgotten milk 🙂
Graham says
I feel like this so often. It seems like there isn’t enough time in the day to complete all the tasks set before me. I must remember to rest in God because he’s got everything under control. “God lives outside of time—holding time, me, this planet, and tomorrow’s laundry in His hands.” I love this statement. Now, I’m going to move out of the way & let Him move my mountains. Thanks Lisa-Jo for this beautiful post.
Lisa-Jo Baker says
Thanks for reading along and sharing!
Sasha A. Palmer says
I don’t think anybody ever feels grown up, and that’s the beauty of it.
Enjoyed your post, Lisa Jo.
Lisa-Jo Baker says
Sasha! So fun to see you here. And yes, I’m finally figuring it out – that there’s no magic age when you start to feel grown up. Now I have to go remember to wash those uniforms for today’s game 🙂
Nancy says
Amen and again Amen!
Lisa-Jo Baker says
Same here! Thanks Nancy
Ruthie says
Thank you so much for this! It comforted my weary heart and head. It is GOD who moves the mountains!
Lisa-Jo Baker says
I forget and have to re-remember all the time!
Penny says
Thank-you Lisa Jo I really enjoyed your post. Though I’m older than you, I can relate. It’s comforting that no matter how childlike we may feel, our Father has been and will be beside us, as we grow and catching us when we fall.
Penny
Lisa-Jo Baker says
SO comforting, Penny. I couldn’t agree more.
Jamie Rohrbaugh says
Lisa-Jo, I really identified with your post too. When I was a kid, I remember thinking that “adult” meant you had a job and a minivan/SUV and lived independently. Now I have a job and the SUV and live on my own, but still feel like a kid. I feel like my husband and I are playing house, two kids living our lives together. I look at people I don’t know sometimes and wonder if they have it all together, because I sure don’t… and I don’t think anybody I know does either. Funny to hear the community commenting on how we all feel the same. Very encouraging in a twisted sort of way. Maybe it’s ok not to have arrived? 🙂
Lisa-Jo Baker says
I love that thought, Jamie – that it’s just plain OK to not have arrived and especially OK to not even feel like you’ve arrived yet. Such a relief.
Sara Savel says
So glad I’m not the only forty plus year old wondering when the adults are going to show up and handle it. Interestingly, it makes me feel like things are going to be okay…eventually, we’ll all feel like adults…someday.
Lisa-Jo Baker says
And in the meantime we’re allowed to eat whatever we want for dinner and that’s a bonus! 😉
Katie Johnston says
Oh Lisa-Jo, you are a blessing to me. Thank you for this writing.
Funny story for you: today (and quite a few days lately) I have been feeling very worthless, the feelings you get when you get a new role at work, and all of a sudden you went from knowing everything to knowing nothing. When you feel overwhelmed and insecure; you feel a little like your 3 year old and just want to have a melt down because “I can’t do it!”. And then, on the way home from a long day of work, my daughters found out that i fixed the toilet last night after they went to bed. And the spontaneous cheers break out. The 2 and 3 year old are in awe of me for unclogging the toilet with the plunger (after they shoved giant wads of toilet paper down it). They cheered. They clapped. “Did daddy help you?” No, I did it all by myself. More Squeals and cheers and “yaaaay mommy! You did it!!!!!” There was laughing and fist bumping and I remembered that mom’s can be heroes in such an ordinary way.
Tami says
I love that your girl cheered you–it shows that their Mommy must cheer for them, too! 🙂 That is where they learned it!
Lisa-Jo Baker says
Yes, good insight, Tami! So fun. Love this!
Lisa-Jo Baker says
GRINNING SO BIG here reading this Katie. Oh man, yes, to see ourselves through our kids eyes – the one time it feels like I might be a grown up that can be trusted with clogged toilets and broken hearts. Thanks for sharing this awesome story!
Camille says
My dad is 67 and he watches my kids for me a couple of days a week, and he takes my 5 and 3 year old “lizard hunting” around my neighborhood. Occasionally they run into some of my neighbors walking their dogs. Well one day last week he made a comment about them and said “those old people” Then he laughed at himself, and said that he called them old when they are probably his age, “but I don’t feel old” he said. I think the majority of us remain young at heart, and the person staring back at us in the mirror isn’t always a clear depiction of how we feel 🙂
I enjoyed your post!
Camille
Penny says
Camille you are very blessed to have your Dad do that for you & your children.
Penny
Camille says
Absolutely! It’s very special. Especially since he was absent from my life for many years.
Lisa-Jo Baker says
Ain’t that the truth! 😉
Grace says
I’m a day late in reading this post but the timing is perfect! Last night I ended up in a little heap of tears in the corner of my kitchen floor. As a single parent also taking care of my aging parents (also on the verge of a possible lay off at work), life was just too overwhelming. So I sat on my kitchen floor crying – praying God would send someone to take care of me – if only for a day! I didn’t want to be the grownup anymore, it’s just too much on some days. And then I read this – He moves the mountains! He’s holding all of us – He’s got this! And I just need to breathe and let go. Thank you so much for this beautiful reminder!
Lisa-Jo Baker says
Oh Grace – what a big load you’re carrying. I’m glad you could just put it down and let your Father daddy God hold you while you cried on His kitchen floor. You are so loved and so much braver than you know!
Tanya says
Oh so many days, I wonder “When is someone going to shake me and wake me up?” There are some days when I feel like saying “I don’t wanna (yes wanna) in a whiny voice. Thank God that He strengthens us day by day.
Laurie says
Thank you a great post. You know how they tell over weight people that there’s a skinny person inside, I think it happens with age too. If I turn my number around, then I’m the 46, almost, that I see inside. I don’t have it altogether. I don’t know the answers. And I don’t get to tell my adult children what to do. Not even the young one who is 24! I like my salt and pepper hair, and am willing to work for a skinnier me. Sometimes it seems like women are mostly invisible adults used as a work force. Then I read your blog.
You remind me, God moves my mountains. WTF am I pushing so hard against it for? As if I’m helping him? I refuse to be the strongest woman in the world,
because I am not, not because I don’t want to be her. I want to go to bed late , wake up early, and have plenty of energy all day long.
(For the record, WTF is waltz tango foxtrot to me, and not what you might have thought.)
Beth Williams says
Lisa-Jo,
Life just gets crazier & busier as one gets older (51). There are days I just want to run away and be a kid again. But I must be the adult to my parent. To handle all my must do’s I go to God daily. His guidance is always spot on. He will give us the strength to endure each trial and daily grind.
Blessings 🙂
Lyndsey T says
Thank you for making me realize again I’M trying to move the mountains. It’s time I step back and say, “God… you’ve got this.” Thanks so much Lisa-Jo.
Mary says
Thank you for this Lisa-Jo and all other the commenters! I am the mom to a much-loved 3-year-old at age 54 and keep thinking “how do people survive parenthood?”and “it must be easier for younger moms!” Guess not. 🙂
This is a good reminder of my source of strength when the wee boy triggers anger in me by simply being 3. I need to look into his face and find Jesus there. I hope Jesus doesn’t mind a few timeouts …