Saturday mornings are easy at our house. Seconds on the clock don’t count against us like they do Monday through Friday as we scurry to school, work, and church. Children linger in pajamas, breakfast is eaten in random shifts, and I putz in the kitchen while my husband sleeps through the the soft singsong of children’s television in the next room.
On this particularly beautiful Indian summer day, when the weather betrays the calendar with 70-degree temps and sunshine, we are beckoned outdoors for a last romp without the hindrance of heavy coats. The trikes and pedal cars will race up and down the driveway on this last hurrah before exchanging places with sleds and snowboards in the loft of the garage.
As my little boys search for shoes and wooden swords — standard issue for adventures if you’re 7 and 4 — I go to invite my husband into our activities.
This man, this husband of mine, makes my world work. He opens my doors, my jars, and my eyes to possibilities I never imagined. He works two jobs so I can stay home with littles. He encourages my writing and he supports my dream of being a Christian speaker one day. He fixes everything I break, brings home flowers for no reason, and eats everything I put in front of him. He dances with me in the kitchen, and he plays on the floor with our children. When he wraps me up in his strong arms and kisses me deeply, I know that forever is not long enough to be married to this man. He makes me feel safe and loved and secure.
Finding him asleep on the couch, I lean toward him to whisper him awake. There is no response.
I speak louder. Again, nothing. I touch his forehead. He’s cold. Ice cold. I scream his name and pound on his chest with my fists. His body is hard. We call 911, and almost immediately men in crisp uniforms arrive, taking over CPR, assessing his body for signs of life. They find none.
My man is dead. Heart attack. The widow maker.
Time seems to warp, quickening and slowing as my mind and heart try to catch up with the news. Astonishingly, inexplicably, in the midst of the calamity in my home, peace envelops me like a warm, fuzzy blanket.
The Spirit of God whispers to me, “You are not alone. You can trust me. Your husband is with me and I will be with you.”
I have a choice. I can fight, rail, and pit myself against God for letting this happen to me, to us, to our family. Or, I can surrender, choosing to follow and trust God to take care of us.
I choose to surrender.
And as if He knows that even HIS presence isn’t enough for me in this season of sorrow, He mobilizes an army of encouragers and comforters. Women from my church come and pray. Moms from the kids’ school sit quiet vigil. Neighbors from across the street offer rooms and cars for out-of-town relatives, and strangers who hear about my loss are compelled to come over with chicken salad and jello jigglers. The mailbox fills with cards full of cash and gift cards for car washes and oil changes, for meals at McDonalds, and anything else I might want from Target.
There were days when all I had was a gossamer thread of faith that God would heal my hurt, restore my joy, and father my children.
It was the hardest season of my life, but I made it by letting God demonstrate His boundless love to my children and me through the whispers of the Holy Spirit and the compassionate, kind acts of the Body of Christ.
Twenty years have come and gone since that dreadful day. Now more than ever, I can attest to to faithfulness of God, the power of prayer, and the importance of living in community with God’s people. That trifecta will produce a victory of joy in spite of circumstances every time.
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Bev @ Walking Well With God says
Robyn,
I can’t even begin to fathom what you went through, but I am so encouraged that God showed up just as He promised He would….I will not leave you comfortless; I will come to you. (John 14:18). Like you shared, He doesn’t give us His peace beforehand in our imaginings, no, it’s when we’re in the crucible. I love the “trifecta” you outlines: God’s faithfulness, the power of prayer, and the importance of community. Only with Him can we walk the un-walkable roads set before us. You have a powerful testimony of God’s faithfulness. Thank you so much for sharing it here today!
Blessings,
Bev
Catherine says
Robyn,
This is incredibly moving. It is written as if it just happened…fresh in your mind. I am thankful to hear so many people were used by God to love on you. Your story reminds me of my diagnosis of breast cancer this year and how God used people to lift me up and remind me of His presence. And your post has encouraged me today as I face another doctor appointment to learn what is necessary to keep me cancer free. Thank you for your candid words. Blessings on you.
Susie Graves says
Catherine,
Let your faith be stronger than your fear right now! Hang in there! I am a breast cancer survivor of ten years on Feb 2, 2017. He has great things for you so keep your eyes on Him. Through Christ we can do all kinds of things. Praying for your complete healing and God’s guidance for you.
Catherine says
Thank you so much! Bless you for sharing.
Robyn Dykstra says
Catherine,
I’m so glad you found this encouraging to you.
I am praying for a better than expected report, prognosis and restored life for you.
Catherine says
Thank you so much! It was a good appointment today.
An says
Catherine, you have this because God has you 🙂 Prayers from the heart, dear sister…the Lord will see you through 🙂
Wendee says
I am encouraged,Robyn, by your powerful testimony . although I was not ready for the tragic loss of your story…your words of life and hope proved God’s never ending care always shines through.I too,in a different way,am praying for a breakthrough, and know that He will prove faithful.May God continue to show His love for you in His Countless and glorious ways.
Robyn Dykstra says
Catherine,
I’m so glad you found this encouraging to you.
I am praying for a better than expected report, prognosis and restored life for you.
Robyn Dykstra says
Hey Wendee,
Thank you for your kind words. I wasn’t ready either, but fortunately, God had been preparing me for that very day. My hubz was a traveling salesman, so we’d had the talk about what to do if he was in a plane crash. What to keep, where to bury him, who to call, etc. I just never thought I’d need it. I pray you get your breakthrough, whatever it is, it is not too big for God. Best to you.
Julie says
What a beautifully written testimony of the faithfulness of our God. You truly demonstrated trusting and believing His Word. Thank you for sharing. Glory to God. Be blessed my sister in Christ. Looking forward to meeting you in our kingdom to come. Julie
Robyn Dykstra says
Bev,
Thank you for your encouragement to me. I share my story to give others the hope I found.
P.S. You write like a writer…yes?
Bev @ Walking Well With God says
Yes 🙂
An says
Bev, thank you for this hope-filled scripture. So glad to hear your encouraging heart here, dear sister 🙂
Bev @ Walking Well With God says
An,
That’s one of my favorite scriptures in times of trial…xx
Beth says
Wow, Robyn…wasn’t expecting that “punch” in the middle of the post. So sorry for your loss…even though it was very long ago. God IS good and he does provide peace, comfort and hope…thanks for the reminder.
Robyn Dykstra says
Me neither! But God…right? The father of peach, comfort and hope.
Blessings Beth!
Jas says
Robyn, I too was not expecting your story to turn out the way it did,. What a shock and it is written as if it was yesterday, I am sorry for your loss even it was 20 years ago and I cannot imagine how that would have felt. I do want to thank you for bravely posting your story here what an amazing example of Gods love and that we can trust him at his word, he did look after you and your family and brought people into your life when you needed them, He is faithful. What an example of good faith you have demonstrated the kind I aspire to have with God. Your trifecta of the power of prayer, community centred on Christ and Gods faithfulness has spoken volumes to me.
Thank you x
Pearl @ Look Up Sometimes says
Wow. Well written. Thank you for reminding me that God’s faithfulness makes it possible to move ahead.
LaToya Brown says
Thank you.
Steffanie Russ says
Beautifully written…what would we do without the community God has given us through His body?
Robyn Dykstra says
Steffanie,
I can’t even begin to imagine what life would be like without my sisters in Christ.
Lillian says
Robyn,
You are a true gift from God. I am not surprised, though. Not at the peace with which you were immediately surrounded. I too suffered the loss of a great love. Four years ago. The difference between my story and yours is that there was no marriage and no kids. He was 40. Diabetes had ravaged his young body. Two comas. Failing kidneys. Congestive heart failure. The similarities are the peace with which God called our guys and the immediate peace. God is so real. God is so graceful. God is so quick. He ushered in His my peace just as quickly as He ushered in yours. It was almost overwhelming. To this day I marvel at the comfort I felt. God is so good. He knows. He covers. He lingers. He manifests. He shows up. Now, I hurt. Lord knows I hurt. But the effectual, fervent prayers of the righteous propped me up, when I wanted to descend into that dark place. Christians. Prayer warriors. God-infused people. Thank you for sharing your story. I am humbled and blessed by your courage.
Robyn Dykstra says
Lillian,
I am so very sorry for your loss.
May you continue to press in for the peace and comfort God promises. I’d encourage you not to be alone in your grief. Share with friends, get a counselor, join a grief share group. God isn’t stingy with the many ways He heals and restores.
Lillian says
Thank you so much Robyn. I initially went at it alone. My pastor heard of my loss, then sent me some books. A dear friend gave me a book as well. I didn’t find what I needed. About six months in, I was blessed to join a Grief Share group. Our church hired an anointed clinical psychologist whose focus was Christian counseling. That group saved. My. Life. The people behind Grief Share have an outstanding mission. I signed up for the 365 days of emails. I would encourage anyone, when they are ready, to seek group or private, faith-based counseling if they suffer a loss. Being in a group setting was the best thing for me. The group gave me the courage to share my story, which aided in my healing. He does heal and restore. I’m a living witness. Again, be eternally blessed.
Robyn Dykstra says
No doubt! I’m glad you mentioned your positive experience with GriefShare.
Kris Bell says
So true, every word.
I have seen first hand this spring, in the same situation of my husband’s sudden death from a heart attack,
God’s provision and faithfulness.
Robyn Dykstra says
Kris,
I’m so sorry this is your life right now. Lean in and look for God’s surprising Presence. 🙂
Robyn
Debbie says
Wow. This hurt to read. Thank you for sharing how God took care of you. So sorry for your loss. But I’m glad you will meet again.
Joy says
Robyn this is deeply touching. Your writing draws me in. Such a beautiful testimony to the body of Christ reaching out to you in your tragic loss. And the faithfulness of God to give us His presence. Thank you for sharing.
Robyn Dykstra says
Thank you for reading and commenting. It makes the journey easier to know it’s helpful to others, touching others, encouraging others.
Darla Theriault says
God is amazing. He’s always right there in time of need. I just lost my husband this March. He had been sick for a long time. It was a hard road. The sickness was hard on him. I worked full time and came home on lunch to check on him. He had an infection while on dialysis. I took him to the hospital on a Wed. and Thursday he was gone. How could that be. Through everything I have had such a strength to carry on, knowing he is in heaven rejoicing. I have the assurance I will see him again. Healed and glorified. God is faithful and He says He will never leave us or forsake us. I know He has a new assignment for me and I’m looking for it to unfold. God bless
Robyn Dykstra says
Oh Darla, I am so sorry this is your new reality right now. It stinks to be left behind, doesn’t it? It helps to know you’ll see him again for sure!
Diane says
Beautifully written. Drawing in and taking my breathe away. Just had another loss so good reminder.
Widowed 6yrs and my sister had widowhood come suddenly like yours did. She led the way for me to be able to deal with my long caretaker road and other battles that came afterward that apparently are common with being the 2nd wife. Look forward to reading more of your journey. May God bless all you put your hand to in His name and glory.
Robyn Dykstra says
Diane,
There are so many of us in the widow club. 700,000 women lose their husbands every year in America. Such an unwelcome disruption to our not so happily ever after. God bless you and your sister as you both continue to heal and persevere.
Diane says
If we have to be in this club it’s a blessing to have those like you.
Maureen says
I Thank you for sharing your story, Robyn. I lost my mother in 2013 and my dad recently went home to Jesus this past June. The title of your story,”You Are Not Alone” has greatly encouraged me during this journey of grief after losing both parents. I’ve felt like an orphan. He is El Haneeman, the Faithful God and I thank you for attesting to His faithfulness. I will continue to let God demonstrate his boundless love to me and my family, be encouraged by the power of prayer, and receive the kind acts from the Body of Christ.
Robyn Dykstra says
Maureen,
It’s awfully lonely to be without your parents. So sorry to hear about your parent’s deaths. Even though I was grown, I felt vulnerable and unprotected. My guess is that my mama was always my safe spot. Is that how you felt? I had to remind myself that God never leaves me – even if I feel alone.
Rebecca L Jones says
I too, was expecting a love story. And in the middle, it is still a love story. You had the husband most women dream of. I too, am sorry for your loss. Having people to help you and pray is good but then they dwindle away, I’m glad you chose to honor your husband and the Lord, of course, by sharing that love and testimony. I just posted a comment on another blog agreeing that going to heaven was sacred but I had to disagree about grief being a continual thing. I have seen it hurt and ruin lives. Faith and grace has to replace it and it is not time that heals those wounds, only God.
Robyn Dykstra says
Thanks for sharing, Rebecca! Great love, true love lasts through the hurting and healing.
Unfortunately, Grief is sneaky. Just when you think you have “it” handled, secured and put in long-term storage, it slips out and hits you again. God alone can wrangle it into submission.
Karen says
POWERFUL! I mean REALLY powerful. The Body of Christ can be such a beautiful thing!
Monika says
…I was nodding my head at the beginning, thinking, “yes, this is how I feel!”…and then BAM!…
Nothing, and I mean nothing, prepared me for the utter hollowness that opened up in my heart the second I read your words.
Words cannot express.
I’m going to hug & kiss my man and my kids much longer and tighter tonight. And for the umpteenth time, thank God for blessing me with them.
Much love.
Robyn Dykstra says
Monika,
That’s good advice for many of us to remember. Thanks for sharing.
Great reminder that we can be thankful without being fearful.
Let’s all be thankful for every day we have with loved ones.
Iris says
Robyn,
thanks for sharing.
Love, Iris
An says
Robyn, I praise the Lord for this heart-aching and beautiful testimony of the Lord’s faithfulness-thank you for this hope. While I have known loss, I have never known this. Your loss hurts my heart, but the joy you expressed in the Lord is so full and I thank the Lord for how He lifted you up, reassured you, cared for you and your family. I feel such awe at how His work in you and around you in prayer and brotherly love lead you thorough to these new places. How faithful is our Lord! It can be easy to turn away from Him and His body in these times, but as long as we hold on to that “gossamer thread” you shared, He loves us through. May we each hold on to faith that our God is good in all the hard times so that we may experience His love, comfort, and hope in Him and our church family 🙂
Cindy says
Dear Robyn, My eyes filled with tears and fell like rain as I read your words. Right when we feel so amazingly blessed, God allows something to happen that will turn our world upside down. As you so faithfully put it, we can choose to surrender or fight against it. Yours is a testimony that helps me more than you know. Our dear, precious daughter was taken to heaven a few months ago. She was 34 and my best friend. It has been the hardest season of my life too but God has been assuring me that my daughter is with Him and like you said, He will be with me during this time. My husband and I hang onto that truth each and everyday. Our “little girl” gave her heart to God when she was only five. We are so thankful we know where she is and that we will be okay until we see her again. God bless you and for sharing your story. I am saving it as a reminder when I start to become weak and wonder how I can go on without her. Thank you!
Robyn Dykstra says
Oh Cindy, I am so very sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine. Each person’s grief is so individual. I can only express how much it meant to me not to travel the journey alone. Are you in a group that supports you? Have you tried to find other parents in similar spot to talk with? My heart hurts for you. I pray you continue to find peace, comfort, joy and community. It’s not a weakness to ask for help. It’s not a lack of faith to ask why, be angry, or need professional guidance. Just sharing what I learned that may help you as you continue this process.
Cindy says
Thank you so much, Robyn. I have been on an emotional roller coaster but our precious Lord has brought amazing people into my life who have truly helped me deal with it all. Not only did I lose my daughter (well, I didn’t lose her…I know where she is) but my son and his new wife moved 500 miles away the following month taking my one and only, beautiful 4 year old granddaughter who I had cared for almost seven days a week since she was born. Her birth mother tried to kill her multiple times before she was four months old (once in my presence), confessed that she did not want her baby so I took over as “mom”. My former daughter in law was eventually sentenced to prison for several counts of attempted murder after it was determined she was not suffering from post partum depression but instead she is a sociopath.. A long and crazy story! My granddaughter and I bonded so deeply over the past four years. When my son married again recently and announced they would be moving away, it was almost unbearable especially with the recent loss of my daughter. The timing seemed so unfair. Yes, I was angry. At God. At my son and his new wife. I was hurt, sad, bitter, lost and depressed. But God is amazing and I can tell that he’s working. Slowly I feel my heart healing from the grief and each day gets a little better. I am so very thankful for the people God has put in my path to offer love, support AND encouraging words like yours. I am also so thankful for the hope of heaven! I believe that our trials will always make us stronger and that God will use us and our testimonies to help others, just as He has used YOU to help me! Bless you for your kind and encouraging words, Robyn!
Crystal Storms says
Wow, Robyn. While I can’t imagine what you’ve gone through, your words paint a picture of both the depths of despair and the greatness of God’s presence. And knowing you need hands to hold and shoulders to cry on, He brought you that too. Thank you for sharing.
Stephanie says
O God bless your heart Robyn. Your faith is such a beautiful thing to hear about. Your faith encourages me. I’m so sorry for the loss of your sweet husband, he is in Jesus’ arms. Right now I’m sending you huge hugs! May God continue to wrap you and your children in His strong and capable arms. God bless you and your faith.
Lots of love,
Stephanie
Robyn Dykstra says
Thank you Stephanie. It’s been a journey. I am happy to report that my boys are 24 and 27. They are whole, happy, healthy, gainfully employed and surrendered to Jesus. It’s a miracle after all they went through. I remarried and my new hubz fits like an old shoe. He loves me and he loves the boys. We are all blessed. Thank you for your compassion and kindness.
Beth Williams says
Robyn,
I visited your blog and read your whole story. What a testimony you have!! God is always faithful. I can attest to God’s faithfulness, power of prayer and community. My aging dad’s mental health deteriorated badly and he was hospitalized this year. My church family prayed for us and checked on me. God allowed me to witness a miracle. He restored my dad to better mental health than he’s had in years. My dad is doing great now for 91. I know it is only through the power of prayer and the deep love of Christian friends.
Blessings 🙂
Robyn Dykstra says
Hallelujah! I celebrate your dad’s improved mental health with you.
J.Gi Federizo says
Oh my…My heart leapt suddenly when I read that part where you were to wake him up….Sorry for your loss. Twenty years is just yesterday for those of us our loved ones leave behind.
Joanna @ Modern Ruth Project says
Wow. Thank you so much for sharing. I can hardly even imagine. Your strength and faith are beyond words and are so inspiring. I am getting married in a few weeks and even just the thought of losing him is heartbreaking. I know I would just curl into myself in grief. Thank you for sharing a story that shows that even out of that pitch blackness, we can come out on the other side and still have faith.
Cecilia Espinosa says
Robyn,
I cannot begin to understand what you went through. When reading the wonderful memories you have been blessed with your husband it mirrored the memories I have been blessed with my husband in my mind. As I read the heart breaking news of your husband my heart hurt and I could not even imagine the feelings which overwhelmed you. Throughout all of this my heart felt bright as you went on to explain the miraculous work of our Heavenly Father, knowing that He was there in countless ways for you and your family.
Thank you so very much for sharing your heart felt memories. Instances such as these bring uncomprehensible joy as we witness the grand work of our God.
God bless you and your amazing family