As Bryan and I drove home from dinner and a movie—we both list Quality Time as our primary love language, so we’re a date night waiting for a place to happen—I thought about the love story we witnessed on the screen. Hollywood can craft a good tale and although these were actors (who might not even like each other), what a rich relationship they portrayed.
In that moment I had a revelation that for me was revolutionary; I’ve held onto it for years: as a married woman in a committed relationship, I can have as fulfilling a marriage as anything I see on the screen or read in a novel. It all comes down to what I’m willing to put into it and what I’m willing to ask of my husband. It’s mine for the taking.
After 30 years of marriage I can tell you that it moves in cycles, some hotter and some cooler, some more connected and some less. How could it be otherwise? But I can also tell you this: what you put into it is directly proportional to what you get out of it. Strive for balance—one spouse shouldn’t do all the giving and another all the taking—but prepare to periodically shift your expectations.
Remember your vows? For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health. These were penned by someone with an intimate knowledge of the degrees of change, the sometimes delicate and sometimes dramatic shifts of fate and fortune within a healthy marriage.
I remember when Bryan and I realized we’d spent more of our lives married than not. Not only have I been a wife and mother over half my life, but we still have a house full of kids (my mother was an empty nester at my age). Here are some things I’ve learned from more than 30 years of marriage:
- No matter how wonderful your children are, there will be days when they break your heart; eventually they’ll grow up and start families of their own.
- No matter how much you may love your job (if you have one), it’s still your work, not your life.
- No matter how supportive your online community may be, they aren’t a face-to-face part of your life.
- No matter how close your friends, they’ve got their own lives, their own families, their own obligations.
But your husband—the one you chose and who chose you, till death do us part—this is the relationship you need to nurture above the others.
This post is an excerpt from The Heart of Marriage: Stories that Celebrate the Adventure of Life Together by Dawn Camp, which is now available where books are sold and makes a perfect gift for the bride-to-be, the couple celebrating a significant anniversary, or anyone looking for encouragement in marriage. Dawn Camp is a photographer, wife, homeschooling mother of eight, and Classical Conversations tutor. She blogs family, faith, and Photoshop at My Home Sweet Home and lives with her family in north metro Atlanta.
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Bev @ Walking Well With God says
Dawn,
What straightforward truth!! When I overhear young mothers saying things like, “Oh my children always come first,” I want to jump into their conversation and say, “Wait a minute you’ve got your priorities out of order!” God first, marriage second, children/family third and then others. Like you pointed out, no matter how loving or adorable our children are they may and often times do break your heart at some point and/or they grow up and move out and on with their lives. We need to nourish that relationship that we will have (hopefully) into the twilight years of our life. Plus our children find security in knowing that mom and dad come first to each other. It’s one of the best gifts we can give our children. A wellspring of truth here, Dawn. Your book is in my reading pile. With surgery coming up that will have me totally off my foot for 6 weeks, I’ll have some time to catch up on my reading!
Blessings,
Bev xx
Kim K says
Bev,
I have been a daily reader of (in)courage for some years, now. I just have to tell you that your comments after the posts are as encouraging to me as the posts themselves! You are a great writer- (something that I always marvel at- I’m a yakker, not a writer!) and I love the way you always encourage and lift up other women. Such a blessing! Prayers for your upcoming surgery, as well as other concern that you have….. that hit close to home as well.
Hugs to you!
Kim
Dawn Camp says
Kim, what a sweet comment!
Bev @ Walking Well With God says
Kim,
Your words couldn’t have come at a better time….I was feeling pretty low – getting ready to go have a root canal whohoo! And they on to my foot surgery next week. Your sweet words of encouragement are truly a balm to my hurting soul right now. Thank you so much. I don’t want to just talk to hear myself talk, so I’m glad that some of the things I write are helpful. God has taught me a lot and if I can help others along this journey called life, then I want to do so. Blessings to you and thanks so much for taking time to lift my spirits!!
Bev xoxo
Dawn Camp says
Bev, wise words spoken from experience! I’m sorry about your surgery, but it’s an awfully good excuse to catch up on that reading list. 😉
Cheryl says
God has given you such spiritual insight Bev…. Love your posts… So challenging of Godly wisdom. Praying for your surgery and that you will bathe in His presence, peace and love as you recover.
Bev @ Walking Well With God says
Cheryl,
Thank you SO much for your loving and truly compassionate prayers….they are greatly appreciated!!
Blessings,
Bev xo
Penny says
Bev,
All the best for your upcoming surgery,
I pray it will be a success , and bring you relief.
Have a blessed day,
Penny
Bev @ Walking Well With God says
Thanks Penny…you are always a blessing!
Bev xo
Beth Williams says
Bev,
Prayers for your surgery to go well. Your words are encouraging to a lot of people.-including me. You always seem to have the right words to say.
(((((Hugs)))))
Bev @ Walking Well With God says
Beth,
My personal prayer warrior….your prayers mean SO much to me. I am more nervous about this surgery as I know that surgeries don’t always go well. I really pray this gives me the relief I’ve been looking for. Thanks for your continual encouragement!!
Love and (((Hugs))),
Bev
Michele Morin says
Dawn, this year I will have been married for as long as I was single, and it’s fun that you mentioned that crossing over in your post today. This “anniversary” is making me think about being intentional, about how I want the next half of my life to look, and also how I want to build into these years of marriage that are ahead.
So encouraged by these words today!
Dawn Camp says
Thank you so much, Michele, and congratulations on the significance of this year’s anniversary!
Lyn says
True, true, true!
Hugs!
Penny says
Dawn,
I’ve learned from you today that I need to try harder to be a better wife.
Thank-you.
Have a blessed day,
Penny
Jean Lindsay says
your advice to married women is excellant. I have been married 50 yrs and it will be 51 in July. Yes there are good times , bad t imes and times we are so busy we are coasting thru. I used to tell my children , you are gonna grow up and marry or leave to start a life, but your father and I will still be here together , so that being said it is important that he come before you. Your needs will all be met and I love you with all my heart, but without him you wouldn’t be here. I am happy to say we raised four happy well adjusted adults who take their marriage’s serious. I thank God everyday for his blessings. Thank you for letting these w omen know, marriage is hard work but well worth it. Will be praying for you in your upcoming surgery. God bless and keep you safe.
Graham says
Dawn,
This was just the message I needed today. I have been so overwhelmed with so many other things that I haven’t been nurturing my marriage enough. Well, it’s time for a little QT with my husband. Thanks!
Beth Williams says
Dawn,
Your words are encouraging to women everywhere. We must realize that marriage like life will have its ebbs and flows-good and bad. Marriage takes work and like you said some give and take. To have a great marriage one must put God first, then marriage, family, etc. Some ideas to freshen marriages include: date your spouse every so often, pray together, sit and talk over life.
(((((blessings )))))