I’ve never had a new beginning without a huge loss at the same time. My husband, Keith, had cancer the year we were engaged. My dad died eight hours after my son (the first grandkid) was born. My husband died one month before our daughter was born.
For me, new beginnings are complicated.
I’ll never forget waking up in the hospital on New Year’s Day 2015. Keith had been admitted on New Year’s Eve for breathing issues and the kind nursing staff found an extra bed so my almost-nine-month-pregnant belly and I could get a decent night’s sleep. It was kind of like a vacation, honestly. We knew change was coming, so we soaked in the time together while the two-year-old was with a neighbor.
Baby girl was due in a little over a month and, as my sister-in-law always told me, having a kid changes your life, but a second kid changes the way you live. We knew life would feel upside down very soon.
And yet, life already felt very, very upside down. We’d spent the last three months in and out of doctor’s appointments, trying to figure out why Keith was having night sweats. We knew the diagnosis wouldn’t be good, but we held on to hope and prayed like crazy. The week before Christmas, we received the news we’d been dreading: Keith had an untreatable, incurable cancer that would take his life in less than a year.
Each day in the hospital, I prayed “not yet.” I begged God to do a gigantic miracle. My heart was breaking as the reality of my kids not growing up with a dad hit hard. We continued to pray for healing, fully knowing that God would probably do the healing by bringing Keith to heaven that year.
What we didn’t realize was that God would heal Keith by bringing him to heaven four days later.
Leaving the hospital, leaving Keith behind, feeling the wiggling of a new baby in my belly was the kind of new beginning that words cannot adequately describe. There was the desperate, gut wrenching grief of having to fulfill the pledge “til death do us part.” There was the comfort and anticipation of the baby snuggles, the new life, the hope of the baby on the way. There was a whole lot of anger that God would allow injustice to begin a new year, to change all our lives forever.
And then God did some real miracles.
Libby was born and she brought the joy and laughter to my heart that I thought would never return. She captivated the heart of her brother and they were immediately (and still are) the best of friends. They may not have their dad, but they have each other. They’re not perfect and have perfected the art of sibling fights, but my mama heart sings when I see them embrace as Caleb gets off the school bus each day. I didn’t understand how God would allow me to be pregnant when my husband was dying, but then He gave me Libby: pure sunshine in a little human.
I did not get married hoping to be a young widow. And yet, it’s because of my widowhood that my life has changed in wonderful ways. I have learned what God meant when He said His power would be perfected in (and because of) my weakness (2 Cor. 12:9). I get off-handed comments all the time that I am so strong. I’m really not.
I can’t actually parent alone or grieve out of my own abilities, but I can rely on the strength of the One who spoke the universe into existence.
Each new year, I remember that I can do hard things. I can parent my children and love them, even if our family is broken. I can pursue my career, hobbies, and passions, even though the partner I had hoped to share them with is gone. I can learn to love deeply, knowing it means I have to learn to sit with my grief, my disappointment, and my shattered heart.
My life is not what I dreamed of when I got married ten years ago, but God takes broken things and makes them beautiful. New beginnings, whether exciting or excruciating, mean Elohim (the powerful creator) and Jehovah-Rapha (the healer) is still creating and healing in my life.
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Bev @ Walking Well With God says
Becky,
What a powerful and heart wrenching post. I know when I read others’ stories, like yours, I think how on earth would I ever get through that?? I could do anything, but that. Your post answers the question so perfectly. We can’t. We can’t get through anything on our own, in our own strength. When life comes crashing in we have nowhere to run, but into our Father’s arms. He can handle everything – even our anger with Him. He didn’t give you grace in the imagining of being a widow. He gave you grace the moment you became a widow and your testimony, here, tells us that His grace is sufficient. I am certain it hasn’t been easy, but by God’s grace alone, you can still see goodness. Your story gives us ALL hope. Lifting you up in prayer sweet mother and sister.
Blessings,
Bev xx
Becky L McCoy says
Thanks, Bev!
Michele Morin says
What an incredible story of God’s severe mercy. Thank you for this glimpse of your surrendered life–I’m sure this happens moment by moment, and I can just barely let myself think about how hard the past few years have been for you.
Blessings and love to you and your sweet children.
Becky L McCoy says
❤️
'Toyin says
You sure can do hard things. This is so deep. I love and dread new beginnings but they happen all the time anyway but God’s grace like you so aptly pointed out is well sufficient for us. Very well put together and thanks for the reminder. Cheers!
Becky L McCoy says
Check out the book “Necessary Endings”. It’s helped me navigate that tension between the ending and beginning!
Claire says
I am so, so sorry for all you have been through. God bless you for being able to experience joy despite the tragedies you have faced. What an amazing testimony.
Becky L McCoy says
❤️
Leah Adams says
Beautiful, honest and a blessing to read. Thank you.
Becky L McCoy says
Thanks for reading!
Lynne Hartke says
Thank you for your words today. I will resist the urge of telling you my hard story, because I know the reality of how everyone feels the need to do that in our desire to be known and heard. Blessings as you live out the pages of where your story is taking you. I am checking out your website and blog.
Becky L McCoy says
Tell me your story! Send me an email
Lara says
No words, Becky. What a powerful post! We can’t, but our God can! < I will be praying for you and your sweet family.
Praise God from Whom all Blessings flow!
In Him,
Lara <
Becky L McCoy says
❤️
Debra says
Becky – thank you for blessing us with your deeply touching post!
Becky L McCoy says
Thank you for reading!
Tee says
Thanks for sharing. I just couldn’t stop crying after reading your story. May God continue to strengthen you and give you the grace to raise your kids, they are indeed God’s blessings. God bless you.
Becky L McCoy says
Thanks, Tee!
Carolyn says
Wow, what a testimony! We can do NOTHING without the help of our Lord and Savior. Bless you. You are such a model of the Christian life for your children
Becky L McCoy says
Thank you 🙂
Jeannie Blackmer says
Becky, thank you. We’re in the midst of a heart crushing season and your words of encouragement give me hope and strength.
Becky L McCoy says
I’m so glad, Jeannie. Hugs, friend.
Diane Bailey says
Life is not at all something we can plan or control. You have done an amazing job in leaning on the Lord. Perhaps you know how to lean more than most of us do. Perhaps you have grieved more than most of us have.
There is a bible ver which says, “to whom much is given, much is required.” Luke 12:48.
I believe the opposite is true as well, or at least, it has been in my life – to whom much is required, much is given. He gives us what we need to not just survive but to thrive. When he requires a lot he gives abundantly.
You would not have chosen this path of losing your husband, but having journeyed it, I believe you have seen Christ in ways you might not have experienced any other way.
Knowing this doesn’t negate the grief. It’s real, it’s hard, and for most it’s a companion you learn to live with. A companion you learn to be the boss of, in time.
Thank you for sharing your testimony of Christ in your crises. Many will be strengthened.
Becky L McCoy says
Thanks, Diane!
Mary c says
Becky,
I viewed your words & imagine prior to reading your testimony.
Bless you for sharing all the details of your experiences and how you have been given
the grace & strength from the Lord to live with such love, faith, joy & purpose.
Thank you !
Becky L McCoy says
<3
Andrea says
I read your story with tears and though I am much older than you, what you say about change never coming without loss and have struggled with that, arguing with God, asking why and knowing why will never be known in this world. So I look at what you have gone through and just feel less alone with the pain. I pray that life will continue to bring some sunshine and always the realization that you are strong because of your faith and will find your way through. You are truly inspiring to those of us who also deal with such pain and loss. Thank you.
Becky L McCoy says
So glad you feel less alone! We are all in the good stuff and hard stuff together!!!
Tara says
I am so proud of Christ in you Becky! God is doing a beautiful thing in you my friend!
Becky L McCoy says
Right back at you!
Kim says
Thank you so much for this! I am currently facing the possibility of losing my daughter and I pray everyday that God would spare her, but if it’s plan to take her home to be with Him, I hope I can be as positive and inspiring as you have been.
Becky L McCoy says
When Keith was sick, we talked alot about how God promised to heal him no matter what. God chose to heal him in heaven instead of earth, but He is still the healer of our bodies and hearts.
Laura Thomas says
Thank you, Becky, for sharing your brave with us. “I can rely on the strength of the One who spoke the universe into existence.” …that we can tap into that strength is such a huge encouragement! Thanks, friend 🙂
Becky L McCoy says
♥️
Lynnebee says
I just LOVE you Becky McCoy
Becky L McCoy says
And I love YOU! Thanks for always cheering me on!
Susan says
I so understand. My husband was killed in an industrial accident leaving me a widow with 4 young kids. I thought I might die too.
But God…He turned out to be bigger than I could ever imagine! He carried me, comforted me, strengthened me, and gave me His ability to carry on.
Thirty eight years later, I can say He gave me a new life. In time He sent me love again. We married and had a child. My new husband adopted all my kids. Today they are all grown and serving the Lord with their lives.
Be encouraged. He is with you.
Becky L McCoy says
Thanks, Susan!
Shayla says
I can’t tell you how much this post meant to me in this season of my life! The verse too, along with others, have been sustaining! WoW! Your sharing has helped my perspective on new beginnings in so many areas of my life that I once could not imagine. Your story, your life has not been easy BUT GOD has proven Himself to be a VERY PRESENT HELP! He’s the same yesterday, and today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8). Since He’s no respecter of persons (Acts 10:34), He’ll do the same for me! I thank Him for you and may you continue to enjoy the gifts that He’s blessed you with! Pour your memories into them as they grow and never let them forget those “men” who planted seed, allowing them to come forth! Bless You Becky!
Becky L McCoy says
♥️
Jamie says
This is beautiful, Becky! God isn’t glorified through your story. ❤️
Jamie says
That was supposed to be He is glorified!
Becky L McCoy says
Lol. I’m always making silly typos like that! Gave me a good giggle 🙂
Penny says
Becky,
Thank-you for sharing your heartbreaking but hopeful story, it deeply touched me this morning.
2 Samuel 22:29
You Lord, are my lamp; the Lord turns my darkness into light.
Blessings to you all,
Penny
Becky L McCoy says
Thank you, Penny.
Gina says
Thank you so much for sharing your story and may God continue to bless you!!
Blessings,
Gina
Becky L McCoy says
Thanks, Gina!
Carolyn says
I am just thinking… God, You are so GOOD!!
Thank you for sharing, Becky. : )
Many Blessings,
Carolyn
Becky L McCoy says
♥️
Mary Geisen says
God takes the most heart-wrenching things and makes them new. If someone were to describe your beginnings they might only see the endings attached to each one. But you, instead, have shown us how God truly took your weakness, stayed by your side and loved your through it. Thank you for this beautiful testimony.
Becky L McCoy says
♥️
Elizabeth says
“And wing my words, that they may reach The hidden depths of many a heart…”
Who knows how many hearts you reached to console and inspire with hope, Becky through your words and your courage.
May He bless and continue to enrich you and your family.
Becky L McCoy says
♥️
Joey Rudder says
Oh my. Thank you for sharing your story, Becky. I love the image of your daughter hugging your son when he gets off the bus…and your daughter being “pure sunshine in a little human.” Your little ones, your mama’s heart, and your faith are absolutely beautiful. God bless you!
Becky L McCoy says
I’m one lucky mama!
Becky Keife says
Oh, Becky…I’m over here in California and wishing we weren’t separated by a whole big country because I would just wrap my arms around you and weep with you for both the grief and beauty of this life. I hate that you have to mother your two precious ones alone, that you have to live with the ache of losing your husband, and yet this testimony of your deep reliance on the Lord and trust in His unending goodness infuses my heart with courage. Yes, we can do hard things! Because of His strength in us! Thank you for sharing your beautiful words with (in)courage today.
Becky L McCoy says
Thanks, Becky!
Rebecca Jones says
You truly have been through a lot, Becky. God bless you and those two children. If you need any help with depression, I recommend the book, Hope Prevails by Dr. Michelle Bengston. She is on FB.
Becky L McCoy says
Thanks, Rebecca!
Anne Love says
Dear Becky,
Your courageousness in traveling and sharing your journey is inspiring. Thank you. You may not feel strong or courageous but living each day and being open to what God has in store for you and your children is strong and courageous indeed. It would be easier to hide or pretend but you have not. I am so sorry that this has been your path, but happy that you are seeing God’s grace throughout it. Continued blessings to you, friend!
Most sincerely,
Anne
Becky L McCoy says
Thank you, Anne!
Jenny K says
Thank you so much for these beautiful encouraging words.
Linda S. says
With tears in my eyes, I read your heart-wrenching story. So sorry for your loss. May God grant you strength (I know He is) as you care and provide for your children. I pray HE will also provide you with another soul mate, if you so desire. love and hugs!
Beth Williams says
Becky,
Kudos for sharing such a powerful testimony. God’s grace & mercy is supernatural. It is only through Him that we can push through the hard life trials. God blessed you with a little ray of sunshine to brighten your days. My story is about dementia & it’s ugly rein on my parents. Mom had sun downers & was bedridden two years before she died. My dad had multiple dementia & psych issues. It wasn’t fun living day by day never knowing when phone would ring. I had to hospitalize him twice (severe dementia). It scared me so that all I could do was rely on God’s strength to get me through. My prayers were mostly God help-take him-what must I learn through all this?
Thanks for sharing a glimpse of God’s grace
Becky L McCoy says
♥️
Summer Kachigian says
Thank you Becky for your beautiful life story of God’s unfailing love and how he will never leave us, even though, it might feel this way or we cannot grasp understanding of the things that happen in this life. This has touched me, ministered to me and given me strength. Thank you, Thank you…..Thank you for sharing… God bless you and love you, surrounding you and your children with perfect peace and joy.
Becky L McCoy says
I’m so glad it was meaningful for you.
Stephanie says
Becky thank you so much for sharing. God bless you and your children. God is using you in big ways ❤️
Becky L McCoy says
♥️
Lori says
Becky,
Thank you, thank you, for sharing this! I needed it and thankfully went back to read it! Thank you so much!! Hugs to you! God Is Great!!
Kenny says
God bless you Becky.
Kristin Vanderlip says
Becky I “know” you from Hope*Writers and somehow I did not know this of your story. My heart wants to hold yours. My heart has underwent similar unexpected trials and losses in the past decade. Sometimes these stories of ours seem so unreal. And yet, they are very real, and very complicated, and very painful. But God is faithful and I am so glad for your faith and to be your sister in a Christ. Thank you for opening your heart to women. Blessings, Kristin
Patti Marshall says
Thank you for your heart wrenching and beautiful story. ~A story you have lived and felt bone-deep. I’m a fellow Hope*Writer and did not see this in the Friday shares. I saw it because my friend Natalie had a link to it in her newsletter. Blessings to you and your sweet family!