A few weeks ago, the unthinkable happened. My good friends from my church, Autumn and Ben, lost their little girl, Addisyn, in a horrific car accident and their other daughter, Ashtyn, sustained significant injuries. Addisyn had an immense love for God and love for people. She had a heart to serve and to tell the world about Jesus — she radiated pure joy!
Who is ever prepared for their child to die? On top of that, who is ever prepared for all of the responsibilities and decisions that come along with the loss of a loved one?
I went to the hospital to visit the family, and they were surprisingly in good spirits. I hugged Autumn and told her I loved her. I didn’t have any other words to say, and it’s ok I didn’t. Ashtyn was being showered with gifts and candy galore by her dad’s fellow sheriff officers. There was such an outpouring of love and generosity, and it was a beautiful sight to see.
I’ve lost my fair share of people, and I have walked with dear friends who have lost loved ones. It never gets easier. I’m a fixer by nature, but loss is simply not something you can fix. I’ve learned that though words might be few, there are some things we can do to mourn those who mourn.
Be present.
Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.
(Job 2:13)
Job’s friends actually did something right here. They sat with him. They may have even cried. That’s it. Nothing more. Nothing less. One thing I have learned as my friends have encountered loss is that they don’t want someone to come to the rescue. They don’t need someone who thinks they have all the answers. They want and need someone to see them, to hear them, and to grieve with them.
It’s actually quite simple. Often, we over complicate what it looks like to walk with someone in a crisis. We just need to show up with arms wide open and a heart ready to be present.
Practicality wins.
Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms.
(1 Peter 4:10)
This is one I can do. I operate in a very much Martha-type role. I am super practical and love acts of service. In times of loss or tragedy, this can bring such comfort, support, and security. Bring a meal. Help them with their kids. Clean their house. Do their laundry. Run errands.
Meet those who are hurting right where they are. I try not to put people in positions where they even have to make decisions. I will go ahead, make the decision for them, and tell them what the game plan is so they can feel a sense of relief and release.
Rally together for the long road ahead.
Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.
(Galatians 6:2)
The world will know us by our love. Godly love for each other isn’t flaky. It is dependable and constant. It sacrifices and puts others before ourselves. Godly love is a servant-hearted love that gives even when it’s not convenient.
_____
Grief never comes at the right time or when we are prepared for it. It can knock the wind right out of us. But God is present, and we experience His love, comfort, and grace through community.
I watched Autumn and Ben get covered with love by our community. People helping them financially, friends providing anything and everything they need while their daughter Ashtyn recovers, even getting a star named after Addisyn!
I have watched what it looks like to grieve with hope from Autumn and Ben. They both spoke at Addisyn’s celebration with such faith, expressing nothing but gratitude for the outpouring of generosity and support from community. They proclaimed the goodness and the greatness of our God because they know death is not the end.
I know the Lord has been faithful to surround me with community when I’ve needed them most, and I aim to be a friend who is present and committed to walking the long road with others when they are suffering.
Michele Morin says
Incredible hardship for a family to suffer, and yet when the body of Christ shows up, it makes such a difference. Thanks, Karina, for honoring the role of the “do-er” in the Body. Martha gets a bad rap so often, but I know she’d show up with a casserole and her cleaning supplies if someone in Bethany was hurting!
Karina Allen says
Amen Michele!
Thank you for reading and sharing!
Bev @ Walking Well With God says
Karina,
So sorry for your friend’s loss and what a testimony to the hope we can have when we know this world is not all there is. But, even when people appear to be coping well and grace is holding them up, they still need others. I try to take my cues from Jesus too – at the tomb of Lazarus He wept. Now, if there was ever a “man” who could say the right words or offer the right consolation, it would be Jesus. He didn’t speak. He let His actions speak for Him. He was just there for His friends and He wept with them. I agree, fewer words more action. People in crisis can’t and don’t need to make decisions. Instead of “Let me know if there’s anything I can do?” How about, ” I’m bringing you some frozen meals you can pull out when you want them.” “Or here’s the name of XYZ Housecleaning. I’ve paid for a couple cleanings….give them a call.” There are people in crisis all around us. It may not be a catastrophic crisis. It may be a mom going through divorce, or someone battling depression. We don’t have to look far to be the hands and feet of Jesus. Great post….
Blessings,
Bev xx
Karina Allen says
Thank you SO much Bev! I needed to hear that!
Yes! More action! You and I think alike. 🙂
Carol says
Sometimes all you can do is cry with those who are grieving, sharing your presence and your tears. This was done for me when I lost a son.
Penny says
Carol,
I am deeply sorry for your loss.
Blessings to you,
Penny
Karina Allen says
Carol, I am so sorry for your loss. But, I am so glad that God surrounded you with sweet community to be present and grieve with you.
Be blessed!
Mary says
Karina, as someone with intimate knowledge of losing a child I echo your thoughts. These are good reminders for anyone that wants to help someone during a time of loss. Thanks for sharing this.
Karina Allen says
I am so sorry Mary! I am so glad this resonated with you!
Be blessed my friend!
Faye says
This is encouraging and thank you for sharing!
Karina Allen says
Thank you for reading and sharing Faye!!!
karen says
YEARS ago, someone shared a very very practical idea….to show up (or just drop off, depending on the relationship) with a box filled with paper products — paper towels, toilet paper, plates, cups, tissues. In a time of grief, no one wants to run to the store for those items, but they are SO needed.
Praying for you and your friends right now!
Karina Allen says
That’s a really good idea Karen!
Thank you for the prayers!!!
Beth Williams says
Karina,
I’m a Martha also. When someone is ill, has family in hospital, etc. my first thought is to cook a meal for them. A few years ago my elderly neighbor lost her son to heart attack. She was hysterical. My hubby & I got some food together for them. Over the years I would just sit with her & see how she was doing. My thought was to try & comfort her as best I could. This year she had surgery, was in rehab & her sister was at the same nursing home. I went to see them several times. Trying to be a smiling face & shine the light of Jesus to brighten her day.
You give some good thoughts on handling a crisis. The best one is to show up & let the people know you care. No words are necessary. Do as Jesus did & cry with them. Let them lead the way as to their needs. Sometimes a simple hug, I love you, I’m here for you is all they need.
Blessings 🙂
Karina Allen says
Beth, that is awesome! I am so glad they have been blessed by you. Jesus is shining brightly through you sister!
Thank you for reading and sharing!
Penny says
Karina,
You are a blessing…….My heart, thoughts and prayers go out to your friends as they overcome their loss, and for their daughter as she recovers.
Have a blessed day all,
Penny
Karina Allen says
Thank you Penny!
Your prayers are treasured!
Blessings!
Tricia says
This hit home hard, I just lost a friend to cancer on Sunday evening. I’m in the middle of writing a note to family.
When I lost my husband 7 years ago, I started walking. One day I ran into a friend at the park walking too. After 6 years we still walk 2-4 times a week. She let me vent, cry, and share experiences with her. She gave guidance, love and gentle advise. Likewise, I have been there for during her problems.
I find getting someone walking helps the soul and person’s spirit.
Karina Allen says
That is beautiful Tricia! I am so sorry for your loss. Thank God for bringing you community and for you being community for others!
Be blessed!
Cindy says
Speaking as one who has been through loss (of my sister when I was 16), I can tell you that the hardest time is not immediately after the event. . . . It’s when everyone else goes back to their normal lives and you are aching and cannot think why it’s worth living anymore. God is faithful in all of it, but the time when your friends will need you most is now–not to say the right words but just to listen to them and love them. . . . Thanks for sharing!
Karina Allen says
Amen Cindy! Long haul is what we are called to! It’s what family does. 🙂
Blessings!
Laura Warren says
I agree. Pain makes up life’s tapestry and you can’t have a full picture without it. But if the picture is filled with people supporting you even in the quiet times, it is a beautiful picture. I pray this for everyone, to know the love and support of people even when life goes back to ‘normal.’ Because there is no ‘normal.’ Just life. And we all need eaxhnother throughout all of it.
Brenda says
Oh, bless their hearts. I’ll sure pray for Autumn, Ben, and Ashtyn. Lovely reminder, Karina, that “grieving with those who grieve” often looks like just being present. I have a friend going through something right now, and I want to fix it so badly for her. It’s so hard when you feel helpless. Thanks for the reminder that being present is itself a worthy service. ♥
Karina Allen says
You are so welcome Brenda! Know that your presence is key! It is most worthy!
Blessings and strength to you!
Sloan says
You are an incredible writer and sharer of wisdom. Thanks for imparting good advice along with comforting verses about sharing each others’ burdens. Reading this has helped me in my own struggles with community and grieving.
Karina Allen says
Sloan, thank you so much! I needed to hear that!!!!
I am so sorry about your struggles. If you need anything, let me know!
Praying hope, healing, comfort and strength in abundance over you sister!
Katheryn says
I have been blessed with a small circle of friends who have become family and though we haven’t always been the best at bringing forth our burdens, we always support each other and pray for one another when we do finally find the courage to bring them to the group. I know that if it weren’t for each other and our little community (that is growing) of faith-hearted believers, situations would have been a lot harder to get through and hope wouldn’t be nearly so easy to find.
Karina Allen says
I am so glad Katheryn that God has blessed you with that community!
Rebecca Jones says
That loss is terrible for anyone, Jesus carried her away from something she couldn’t survive and will be there to bring healing and comfort to her parents and sister. As for Job’s friends they were critical at times, glad we have a better covenant. And I don’t think we are running down Martha, we’ve all be there, it’s just that we’ve come to see Mary in a new light. Jesus said she chose the one needful thing, Him above all else. I am so glad to see people out being His hands and feet, and remembering to share His heart.
Karina Allen says
Thank you for sharing!
Denise Pass says
So true. Sometimes what people really need is just for us to be there, listening. Thank you for this!
Karina Allen says
Thank you Denise for reading and sharing!
Christina says
Such a good word. A family that I’m very close to lost their 17 year old son/brother last June in an accident. No one is prepared for that but I have learned so much about entering into suffering with people and continuing to remember the memories and significant milestones with them.
Karina Allen says
Amen Christina! Praise God that He placed you in your friends’ lives! It’s a long road. May He give you grace to walk it with compassion, strength, love and joy!
Thank you for sharing!