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May 16, 2013

Go

Tags:  Courage, Guests, Hope, Trust

Too many times,
it is my first instinct:

Go.

Get somewhere else,
any place
other
than where I am
here and now.

For here is a kitchen
half-empty of food and
full of undone dishes,
this morning’s crumbs on the counter
and countless dinners to be made.

Now there are rooms
inhabited by people
who can’t always live up
to my impossible expectations.
Behind their faces echo hallways of
unanswered questions, walls of
uninvited pain. And
just around the corner lay
challenges I’m not sure
I can navigate
very well.

Perhaps it would be better
if I go.

This going isn’t
walking away.
(No.)
It’s a striving to
alter the moment.
It’s the suspicion
that a new and improved now
would be
shinier,
easier,
better.

The going I want to do is
a rejection of
what is,
a fear that
this here,
this now,
is somehow
beyond redemption.

But I must remember this:

To go
is to miss the
blessing of
this one life.

To go
is to be
somewhere else
instead of
here and now,
where God invites me to
stay, and
abide.

————————————–

Questions for reflection:

*  Are there any parts of your life where you might be inclined to escape—even only mentally, emotionally, or spiritually?

*  Where might God be nudging you towards being present during the realities of your day?  How might you more steadily abide in Him during these moments?

*  Where might He be encouraging you to recognize His hand (and, perhaps, even His blessing) in the midst of questions, pain, or other difficulties?

By: shadowwonder

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ABOUT SHADOWWONDER

Shadowwonder prefers coffee to tea, cabins to castles, rumpled to starched, quiet to chaos, sunshine to snow. She is wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend, neighbor, teacher, learner, writer,...

May 14, 2013

God’s Help Through Loss

Tags:  Grief, Guests

The ultrasound technician wrapped us in comfort with her warm British accent and her kind words:

“It wasn’t anything you did, dear…this is just nature’s way…”

That evening, I told my friend, Kate, that I was sad and confused…but also okay.  Maybe I was in shock, I suggested, or too numb to feel.  She told me not to analyze that calm feeling but to just accept it as God’s peace.  With her words, I was released to lean into that peace – into a God who was good, I knew.

Over the next few days I tried to sort out my theology. I thought, This was meant to be, but the phrase surely didn’t sit well in my heart.  I tried, The timing wasn’t right, but I knew the timing had been perfect.  Our firstborn son, Isaac, was almost three.  The time it took for us to become pregnant with our second seemed very long.  Surely the Lord wouldn’t give us something we had prayed for, then change His mind or decide it wasn’t the right time.

The Lord brought comfort to my mind while I was reading a book one morning.  I realized, sickness is not from God, death is not from God.  This loss wasn’t from God.  He didn’t author it for our family.

With that treasure placed in my heart, I leaned into Him more… into His rest, even released from asking “why.”

And my hope grew.  If this loss wasn’t from God, if indeed it was actually carried to the cross with Jesus, buried, and resurrected, then this loss could be redeemed… somehow.  I don’t fully understand my hope but I know it’s a key the Lord has given me.  It’s a promise to hold onto tightly when I’m afraid… when I start thinking, Well, if this could happen, surely many other bad things could happen, too.  There is something about the blood of Jesus poured out for healing, in the face of death, which I must hold onto.  In this truth, He will overcome… somehow.

After the ultrasound, after we saw there was no heartbeat and the baby had died, we waited for my body to miscarry “naturally.”  When I miscarried, there was nothing natural about it.  The contractions came in waves under my belly, just like when Isaac was born.  I remembered, with Isaac, being empowered by those waves of pain that birthed life.  I grieved as the familiar contractions birthed only death.

And still I know this loss was not from God; surely He must bring a victory.

In this ending, I’m hoping forward into life.

By Maryann, dailyparable

Photo courtesy of Mystic-Eyes

 

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ABOUT MARYANN

Maryann lives in Canada with her smiley son, Isaac Jay and her first-love husband, Ben. She likes milky tea, the smell of garden dirt, and writing with frank-honesty and a little dose of awkward....

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