Nearly all the best things that came to me in life
have been unexpected, unplanned by me.
– Carl Sandburg
When I found out I was pregnant with Emma Grace, I will admit I was not the most excited person in our house. My son was only 5 months old at the time, my body was still recouping from surgery and my stomach was very much looking forward to a break, as was every other part of my body.
It was Thanksgiving, and my parents were visiting us in Jacksonville for the holiday—I didn’t want to tell them—I didn’t want to tell anyone. I had no idea how I was going to manage two in diapers…and we cloth-diapered our kids, which dulled my excitement even more.
Don’t get me wrong—I was excited about the life I was carrying, I just had other plans for my future, and they didn’t include being pregnant again so soon.
I look back at that time in my life, and often smile. Because it proves to me again how God is so in control of my life, and my future. He knew that this little girl with special needs would teach me things that I needed to learn—and He put her in my life at just the exact right time to teach me.
Flash forward to the last two years. The worst and best two years of my life. For those of you who do not know, I have brain cancer.
I found out in 2007 at the age of 32 that I had an aggressive and fatal tumor growing inside of my head. This was not how I wanted to live my life. I had it all planned out, and those plans did not include a full year of Chemotherapy and six weeks of brain radiation
My plans included watching my children graduate and marry. I longed to hold my grandchildren. I longed to live. It has been one of the most trying times of my life, yet one of the most rewarding.
Again, I bargained with God. I asked “Why?”. Actually I screamed, “Why?”.
And he gently whispered to me “You’ll See.”
I only see the here and now. I don’t see the spiritual fight that Christ battles on a daily basis for me—He promises He is fighting for me, and I am so renewed knowing that.
There is a lesson in all of this…actually, there are many. I continue to place my face at the foot of the cross and seek His heart in my life, and in the life of my family.
How could I comfort a grieving soul if I never grieved myself? How could I relate to those are sin-sick, if I never found myself begging God for His mercy, grace and forgiveness?
I may not have chosen the road that we are on, but He did. He chose us to walk this path, and He promises to hold our hands through it.
My emotions are up and down on a daily basis. There will be days that I feel completely defeated, and there will be days that I feel completely empowered. Today I feel His hand on my head, gently telling me He is here.
It is those unplanned and unexpected areas of our lives that teach us so much, and bless us so deeply— even amidst the pain and fear. I am clinging to those blessings right now.