As a child I was taught to take the extra time
to crumple crisp mint leaves into a glass of sweet tea.
Taught how to write a genuine “thank you note”
complete with Spencerian penmanship.
They taught me to always make sure I took thought, for the thoughts, of others.
To make sure I didn’t offend.
Taught me to smile no matter what I felt on the inside
–wide as the day–
and be the bright penny of Good Southern Breeding.
My family instructed me in the importance of hospital cornered bedsheets;
and which fork to use.
But somehow, somewhere, mixed in these lessons were the resounding echo’s of:
YOU AREN’T GOOD ENOUGH.
When they spoke of the differences of others with such disdain,
such evident disgust apparent on their faces.
I heard that I was different.
They were all disgusted with me too.
When they whispered the ugly they saw in the ears of friends.
I heard that I was ugly.
Someone was whispering about me too.
And I remember that I stopped eating properly for years,
alternating between starving myself
and running to the bathroom
to make sure I could keep on the path to perfection.
ONE MORE STEP TO LOVE.
Maybe this will make me okay.
Maybe this will fix it.
That broken in me.
Because that is the reasoning.
That I can paint the house that falls down around my ears
and somehow make it structurally sound.
I had my Holy buried somewhere deep inside
underneath all the hurt and
I was pulling away from Heavenly Arms
trying to make the earthly ones hold me.
And they never would.
Not the way I needed.
Hindsight is clear.
After we’ve accepted having been bought with a price;
somehow that unconditional love seeps into our consciousness
and we are never the same.
We see what it is to have A Saviour.
What it is to have an Abba.
I see how my God in His Infinite Mercy was teaching me all through my youth.
The humility learned in suffering.
The quiet spirit learned in forgiving (and forgetting).
The practice of tuning out the voice of the world and hearing only the Holy Spirit.
The clinging to HIM that I had to develop–and wouldn’t have otherwise.
It all comes full circle.
And Still. I’m. Learning.
No matter where we are in life these hard lessons
–that take decades–
are our shaping.
Oh! the joy that comes in the morning,
when we know Him better–see Him clearer.
When we understand we are so lovingly held in the Potter’s Hands.
To be broken and spilled out.
Made over new.
donna o says
Thank you for your words today. The feeling of not being loved and accepted is not a new one to me…nor to many out there in this hurting world. Jesus really is the only answer to the unconditional love we so crave. Rather than rejecting food I turned to it as a comfort feeling it was all I could control. Now, years later, I am 100 pounds overweight and I ache inside knowing that I lack the strength to overcome and succeed in the area of treating my body with the respect it deserves. Yet, I know He is my source of strength and can help me thorough—I just need to let Him do that.
The reminder of His unconditional love and ever present Spirit within me is something I truly needed to hear today.
Sara, you spoke the words that I have never been able to share with others… that ‘I’m not good enough’ feeling that was brought in from the beginning behind my good Yankee up bringing, the one that hid behind the smiles and yet was so present when I stared at a plate of food. I understand and have walked the path you talk about over and over in my life. Thank you for reminding me again how He can heal if I will only cling to him and listen. God Bless.
Sara – Your words speak directly to my heart and bless me. Continue to cling to HIM.
Amy P Boyd says
Thank you for so beautiflly saying what so many, especially myself, feel so deep in our souls.
Kris T says
((through tears)) My dad’s been gone for some time, but it still hurts me that I was never ‘good enough’ for him. It hurts me more, that I wasn’t able to stop the cycle and now sadly, my 30 year old son feels he was never ‘good enough’ either. I pray God heals our relationship before it’s too late. Thank you for your words.
Wonderful, my bell. I love you.
Melissa Runcie | Madabella says
I was pondering this notion yesterday…
the fellowship we enter into when we are suffering…
the tender care of our savior who dwells in a high and extalted place, and also with the lowly and contrite of spirt for the purpose of reviving our souls…
i am in a season of restoration…and being made new and finding my value in Him alone…
oh that i would cling to him for everything. that i would endure for his name sake and that i would believe his promise to make me whole again…
Amy Sullivan says
I’m convicted when I read this post. I hope in all the “teaching” I do with my girls, I’m not actually whispering something I don’t want to say.
Sara Sophia says
I am so glad these words touched someone–its amazing to me every day the redemption that is woven into each and every life story.
That is woven into mine.
I think each of us remember a time when we thought we were too broken to mend–too marred to be beautiful and too distant to hear God.
I praise Him for His Salvation–for His rescue.
For telling me I could be His Princess, when I felt anything but.
Ann Voskamp@Holy Experience says
“I had my Holy buried somewhere deep inside
underneath all the hurt”
Holy under the hurt…
And then Jesus hurt for us to make us Holy.
I love your words… unveiling The Word.
Thank you, Sara Sophia.
I feel filled.
Charissa Steyn says
Beautifully written Sara… I can fully relate to your words and experiences. Thank you for sharing your heart !
Ashleigh (Heart and Home) says
Beautiful, beloved one…