I hurt. I am in despair. My soul is downcast. My spirit is crushed. I have no peace, no quietness. I want to run and hide. I hide myself in my bed, way down under the covers. I hide away from the world but not from my pain. The hopelessness follows me under the covers. It keeps me company like an old, familiar friend. Only, this negative mentality is not my friend. It skews reality and saps my strength. It causes me to fall over and over again. The depression keeps me from stepping into the light. It keeps me hiding out, crying in the fetal position. I don’t feel God’s presence in the darkness. I can’t hear His voice in the pit. I long for my LORD. I search for His face.
I cry out to my Father: “O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water.” Ps 63:1. I search and can’t find. I sense a longing unfulfilled. I question the promise of God. I ask my LORD; “O God, where are you? I listen and can’t hear you, I look and can’t see you, and I search and can’t find you. LORD, are you growing me through this trial? Are you beside me even here in the darkness?” I need to know that you are close. I can’t feel you, Father. You seem so distant and unconcerned. I want to trust you more than I want to be well. Help me to find joy, to persevere. “Relent, O LORD! How long will it be? Have compassion on your servant.” PS 90:13
Out of the darkness comes a soft, still voice; “Abide…Stay…Remain, my child, Abide…Stay…Remain.”
I hear you LORD; I hear your familiar and comforting voice. I imagine you grieving over my pain. I see you molding me into a vessel that can be used for your glory. I picture you holding my shattered, broken heart. I see your hand drawing me out of the pit. I know that you want me to be mature and complete, not keep me from all pain.
I hide under my covers, and you reach down from on high and take hold of me, “you bring me out into a spacious place. You will rescue me.” Ps 18:16 When I can do nothing but breathe in and out and survive another day, you delight in me. As I dwell in the deep, even there, you are present and bid me; “step into the light”. You are faithful and stretch out your hand and I run to you.
By your grace, I will submit to the refining flame and fix my eyes on you. I will share in your suffering for the sake of intimacy with you. I will praise you despite the turmoil. “I will hope in you, though you slay me.” Job 13:15 I will lean in close to hear your whispers. I will hide myself in you.
I Live in an Antbed says
Thank you, Lord that you will never leave or forsake us. Thank you, Lord that you are Sovereign. Thank you, Lord that whatever path You ask us to walk is the most loving way for You to accomplish Your very best in and for us. Thank You, Lord that You are Sufficient for whatever concerns me today. Loving Abba, thank You for holding Mandy so very tenderly. Thank You for giving her the desire of her heart: to hear Your voice. Thank You for her faithfulness in waiting before You.
Mandy Broome says
Thank you for your comment. …”whatever path You ask us to walk is the most loveing way for You to accomplish Your very best in and for us.” That is such a good reminder and so true. Thank you for your prayer and thank God for your heart for Him.
Love in Christ,
Mandy
Deb Martell says
I have been there…oh, how well you have put the thoughts and words down and the hope 🙂
Mandy Broome says
Thank you, Deb. I am so sorry to hear that you have experienced such suffering. Lord, thank you for your love for Deb and for your sufficiency in our walk through the darkness.
Love,
Mandy
Holley Gerth says
Mandy, your weaving together of your pain and David’s Psalms was breathtaking. I’ve struggled with dark days too and it’s so good to remember when I feel like hiding it can be in Him, the One who loves me through it all. Thank you!
Mandy Broome says
Holley,
You are such an inspiration to me. I can see through you how God can make this beautiful.
Love in Christ,
Mandy
kingfisher says
Thank you, dear sister in Christ, for sharing the depths of your pain and broken-heartedness. I’m so sorry you have to go through so many heavy things — it seems as if a lot of people are struggling today with more than they think they can handle.
I’m so thankful for you, that even when you admit to despair and hopelessness, you’re able to profess that God is the answer, your light and hope. He sees your loyalty to him.
“So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though the going is rough down here for awhile. This only tests your faith, to see whether it is strong and pure or not. It is being tested as fire tests gold, and purifies it. For your faith is far more precious to God than mere gold. So if your faith remains strong after being in the test tube of fiery trials, you will be rewarded with glory and honor and joy at the day of his return.” (I Peter 1: )
Mandy Broome says
Thank you so much for sharing 1 Peter with me. I love it! Thank you for your encouragement.
Love,
Mandy
GraceGal says
I have been there recently and prayed those exact scriptures.
He sets a table before me in the presence of my enemies. He is the Light in my darkness.
I love that thought that He delights in me, just as I am.
He sings and dances over you, even when you are unaware. ( I think this is a song as well as a verse).
Lord, amaze us today.
Mandy Broome says
GraceGal,
Thank you for your comment. I am sorry that you’ve been there recently. You are right, He is the light in my darkness.
Love in Christ,
Mandy
Alysa says
This is so beautiful. I’m going through a valley right now, and am learning to accept, “In the valley He restores my soul.” There was so much I didn’t even know needed restoring!
“When I can do nothing but breathe in and out and survive another day, you delight in me.”
… oh, so beautiful. A truth I am slowly learning to accept.
Thank you for sharing this, dear friend. May God bless you.
Mandy Broome says
Alysa,
Oh how my heart hurts for you. Hang onto Him and focus on what you know is true, not how you feel. He will restore you….it won’t always be this way. I pray that you will hang onto the truth that God is revealing to you.
Love you,
Mandy
Lisa says
As the song goes, “I will cling to the old rugged cross and exchange it one day for a crown.” Keep clinging and know that you are loved by HIM, your family and so many people.
Mandy Broome says
Thank you, sister. I am so grateful for your love, support and encouragement!
Gina Lind says
THANK YOU for your beautiful words. I also suffer from major depression and write about it on my blog and how God is refining me. Your words are so well written and I feel as though someone else understands. Thank you for sharing.
Mandy Broome says
Dear sister,
I have visited your blog and am blown away by it! I love how you share your heart and have the courage to be so transparent. I know that so many women will be blessed by your words. “He makes everything beautiful in it’s time.”
Love,
Mandy
Rachel says
I too have been and out of despair and a feeling of seperation on and off for years. It comes and it goes and that is what I hold on to during the dark hours, the knowledge that this too shall pass…it makes other more difficult times easier to bear. Praying for you!
Mandy Broome says
Rachel,
You are so right…this too shall pass. I know how it is to be in and out of despair. I try not to live in fear of the darkness returning. I pray for you, too.
Love,
Mandy
Robin says
Thank you for bearing your soul. My friend forwarded your blog to me. How ironic that I received this today. I have been in the depths of despair for quite some time. Just yesterday did I hear God’s voice say that He is with me even as I feel so very, very low. Today while at church, I felt His sweet presence that has for so long evaded me. There is hope. As you so beautifully said, When I can do nothing but breathe in and out and survive another day, you delight in me. What a needed salve of truth. Thank you for your honesty and open heart. I will pray for you as you continue this journey of life. You have truly blessed me.
Mandy Broome says
Robin,
Thank you for your prayers and your comment. I so desire for God to use my struggle and I know He will use yours as well. Thank you, Lord, that Robin felt your sweet presence. I pray that You will continue to wrap Your loving arms around her.
Love you, sister,
Mandy
willowsprite says
Thank you for sharing. I, too, am discovering how God heals and refines me through my depression. The darkness can overwhelm so quickly, and it is sometimes hard to find Him there. But without Him, who could stand against it?
Mandy Broome says
willowsprite,
I am so sorry that you also struggle with depression. It is so comforting to know that others can relate. You are right, even when we can’t feel Him, we know that He is there, otherwise, how could we withstand the suffering?
Thank you for your comment.
Love,
Mandy
Marica says
I couldn’t even finish reading the last few paragraphs at first because I couldn’t see through the tears… You just wrote my story. Seriously, it’s actually rather eerie. Thank you for the reminder that I am not alone; that I was not chosen especially to suffer like no one else.
Mandy Broome says
Sister,
You are not alone. I love how God uses us to encourage one another. Thank you for your comment and hang onto Him for He is hanging onto you.
Love in Christ,
Mandy
Karen says
Oh my gosh, I just went through the dark depths of despair you are writing about! God was doing some major refining in my life and brought me to a state of brokenness before Him. I had no choice but to rest and be still and know He was God. I was in such an emotional fog. Joy was so elusive. It was a very dark and scary place, but joy comes in the mourning. I am now out of that fog and experiencing joy and excitement like never before! I feel I am healed from some deep seated wounds that held me back. I had to go through the pain, the valley, in order to reach the mountaintop! God is faithful. He wants us to surrender everything to Him and not hold back our pain from the past. I finally did and boy, am I glad!!
Mandy Broome says
Thank you, Lord, for your healing work in Karen’s life. Thank you, Karen, for sharing your heart and for being such a witness of faithfulness through your pain. Love,
Mandy
Tina McCall says
Dearest Mandy,
I have not been able to put into words, as you have, the turmoil and pain of depression. I am on month 10 and with Gods love and mostly carrying me, medication, and counseling, I can finally see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. God has blessed me with a precious family of six children and a wonderful husband. My prayer through this time has been that I would be able to take care of my family. There were days I thought I would not, but he intervened. I KNOW He loves me and I will be healed in this life or in my life with Him. You are in my thoughts.