I hurt. I am in despair. My soul is downcast. My spirit is crushed. I have no peace, no quietness. I want to run and hide. I hide myself in my bed, way down under the covers. I hide away from the world but not from my pain. The hopelessness follows me under the covers. It keeps me company like an old, familiar friend. Only, this negative mentality is not my friend. It skews reality and saps my strength. It causes me to fall over and over again. The depression keeps me from stepping into the light. It keeps me hiding out, crying in the fetal position. I don’t feel God’s presence in the darkness. I can’t hear His voice in the pit. I long for my LORD. I search for His face.
I cry out to my Father: “O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water.” Ps 63:1. I search and can’t find. I sense a longing unfulfilled. I question the promise of God. I ask my LORD; “O God, where are you? I listen and can’t hear you, I look and can’t see you, and I search and can’t find you. LORD, are you growing me through this trial? Are you beside me even here in the darkness?” I need to know that you are close. I can’t feel you, Father. You seem so distant and unconcerned. I want to trust you more than I want to be well. Help me to find joy, to persevere. “Relent, O LORD! How long will it be? Have compassion on your servant.” PS 90:13
Out of the darkness comes a soft, still voice; “Abide…Stay…Remain, my child, Abide…Stay…Remain.”
I hear you LORD; I hear your familiar and comforting voice. I imagine you grieving over my pain. I see you molding me into a vessel that can be used for your glory. I picture you holding my shattered, broken heart. I see your hand drawing me out of the pit. I know that you want me to be mature and complete, not keep me from all pain.
I hide under my covers, and you reach down from on high and take hold of me, “you bring me out into a spacious place. You will rescue me.” Ps 18:16 When I can do nothing but breathe in and out and survive another day, you delight in me. As I dwell in the deep, even there, you are present and bid me; “step into the light”. You are faithful and stretch out your hand and I run to you.
By your grace, I will submit to the refining flame and fix my eyes on you. I will share in your suffering for the sake of intimacy with you. I will praise you despite the turmoil. “I will hope in you, though you slay me.” Job 13:15 I will lean in close to hear your whispers. I will hide myself in you.