We enter the sterile room, equipped with an examination table, covered in stark white sheets. We gaze at the monitor, mounted overhead.
This is it. This is where we will meet our baby face-to-face.
I unveil my swelling tummy and lie back, as the sonographer presses her instrument, covered in a warm gel, against my abdomen. Alas, there she is! We see her tiny hands and feet and watch her as she moves inside of me. I’ve been able to feel her move for a couple of weeks now, but to see her move makes it so much more real. On this day, in that ultrasound room, I met Chloe face-to-face, though, I fell in love with her long before. She made me a Mommy with Hope.
I could never have known just how much she would change me.
I could never have known the impact she would have or what her legacy would be.
I could never have known how her life would turn hearts to her Creator, much less that her own daddy would be first in line.
I could never have known just how brief her precious life would be.
You see, it was that day, the day we met her face-to-face, when we also learned she would be leaving this world far too soon. She made me a Mommy with Hope.
In a matter of days we found out the extent of her problems. Her abnormalities made it clear that she would not survive. Abnormality. Malformation. Anomaly. I detested these words. It scared me to think that any one of them could accurately describe my little girl. She was growing inside of me, she was a part of me, and I loved her more than words could describe. Yet, we found ourselves in the medical world, pregnant with a “fetus,” diagnosed with an “interstitial deletion of chromosome 2” and accompanying brain condition, “holoprosencephaly.” To me, she was a baby. My baby. My precious Chloe Marie, whose name means “blooming; wished for child.”
Faced with a difficult and heartbreaking choice that no woman should ever have to make, we willed to continue our pregnancy until my body went into labor or until the Lord decided to call her home. Twelve weeks later, Chloe arrived in a quaint hospital room where her daddy and I cuddled her for all forty-five minutes of her brief life on earth. As we held her in our arms, she was ushered into heaven to the sound of these verses put to music:
“How lovely is your dwelling place, O Lord Almighty. My soul doth long and even faints for you…Better is one day in your courts, better is one day in your house. Better is one day in your courts than thousands elsewhere.” (Psalm 84:1,10)
These words, in song, played in our hospital room at the moment the nurse pronounced her death. While I cradled her fragile little body in that room, Jesus cradled her spirit in heaven. She made me a Mommy with Hope.
Because of Chloe, I am a Mommy with Hope. Those months, weeks, days, and minutes, renewed my hope in Christ. The God who had never let me go, embraced me then, as He does now. Healing and hope found in Christ alone shine through a ministry born out of the death of a baby. Many mommies have hope. The parallels astound me. She made me a Mommy with Hope, pointing me back to my Savior. Yet God gave us all an eternal hope through another precious little baby, like no other. His name is Jesus.
by Teske Drake, a Mommy with Hope
Leave a Comment
Stacey says
Sweet and touching Teske, thank you for sharing your beautiful girl with us. Hope is contagious… and you will touch many with this story.
Deb Martell says
Bless you sweet mommy for sharing your hope and your encouragement 🙂
Lydia says
I have goosebumps from head to toe, especially when I read the song you all listened to. Precious precious story. Praise the God of all comfort for cradling you when you needed him most!
allison morrison says
Thank you…so precious! Bless you!
julia says
i have no words, but God bless those babies in heaven. thank YOU for sharing your story!
I Live in an Antbed says
What the evil one intended to be destructive to your spirits, you allowed the Holy One to turn into true Beauty. Out of your spirit of gratitude, the waves ripple into eternity. Thank you for being a living testimony to our precious Abba, who works ALL things together for good for those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose. You have blessed me today.
Nancy says
Teske; You truly are a inspiration to other Mommies with hope. You have taken the darkest and hardest times in your life, and turned it into such a blessing to yourself and your husband and family, not to mention, all the people you have sincerely touch with your story of Chloe. Baby Chloe in her sweet tiny little self has shown all of us just how precious life really is and the importance of having Jesus in your life to show you the way, with his strength and total abiding love for each and everyone of us. I as your Mother am so proud of how God has made you into such a remarkable woman, a wonderful speaker and witness in your journey. Your strength and courage is just a tiny little bit of who you are. I am very proud to say Dr. Teske R. Drake, you are my inspiration and I love you so very much and can only applaud you for the worrier you have become for in Jesus’s name. Mom
Teske says
Love you, Mom!
Holley Gerth says
Teske, oh, my heart aches with yours this morning…and hopes too. We also have a little one in heaven. I know what it feels like to say good-bye too soon and to wait in anticipation of that forever hello. Thanks for this beautiful, honest, faith-in-the-storms-post. Praying your heart continues to heal (and mine too).
Beth says
What an amazing story, put so eloquently into words in your post. How amazing that the particular experience made you better and not bitter. You became stronger in the Lord- you are a testament to His grace and your faith! You will help many others along your path with what you have been through. God bless your ministries to other mommies with, and without, hope.
Peggy says
Thank you for sharing your story. I too have lost an infant too soon. Michael was 5 months old and taken while he slept. I struggled with this so much, but God has given me rest, peace and hope which all pass understanding.
I am thankful for the Father in Heaven who knows our pain and holds our precious ones close until we can again!
I can’t wait to meet my son in Heaven, and see what a wonderful new creature he has become. There isn’t a day that I don’t think of him, nor a day in which I was thankful to know him.
Casting Crowns has a song that I’ve loved since it came out, “Praise you in this storm”
When I first heard it, I told God I wanted to be able to truly praise him, no matter what. Now, I know I am able, through Him to raise my wary arms to Him and give thanks and praise for the knowledge of who he is!
Thank you for sharing this precious girl with us.
You are added to my prayers.
Peg
dawn says
What a wonderful example of God’s Grace in the deepest of pain. I have been there too. Our Aidan would be 11 now, and his 4 month life changed us profoundly. Thank you for sharing your little girl with us…hugs to you.
Lisa says
Teske,
Im so glad you posted your personal experience with all of us strangers who care for you and love your little Chloe Marie. I have just learned two weeks ago that I am carrying a child who has trisomy 13. I was 18 weeks when we found out and we entirely plan on keeping him full term (God willing) just as you made that same decision.
Thank you for sharing you Hope, Courage and Love for your Daughter.
May God bless you with many children to share your love with.
Here is our story:
http://lisahusmann.wordpress.com/
with Much love,
Lisa
Teske says
Oh, Lisa…I’ve read your story and visited your blog and my heart goes out to you as you sift through all the news and information. I look back to those days and it’s a miracle I’m even standing. But God. Stand firm in Him, my friend. Please know that we at Mommies with Hope are praying for you! Beautiful song that may be an encouragement to you…”I will Carry You” by Selah. There is a youtube video of it at the bottom of the Mommies with Hope blog.
Mels Goin Goin Gone says
Beautifully touching, it made me cry. Thank you for sharing your sweet story!
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Teske says
You all are making me cry with your sweet words of encouragement! I can’t tell you what a joy it is to be able to share Chloe’s life with you all. She is a treasure and I am one proud mamma!
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Claire Vorster says
Such an inspiring story Teske. Such a hard situation to be in and yet you clearly show the grace that you found there. Much love and every continued success with Mommy With Hope. May all the Mommies that need the Lord’s grace and hope find it through you.
xxC
Ann Voskamp@Holy Experience says
Your words move with His Spirit… and move me .
Thank you…
All’s grace,
Ann
Cecilia says
I am also a mama who also has a baby in Heaven. Thank you for sharing and giving us a peek into Chloe’s story. How fitting that I read this on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance day. Thinking of Chloe, Ethan, and all the little ones who have made our lives sweeter. Oh how I look forward to the day when we see them in Heaven!
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Leonie Leitch says
Thank you so much for sharing your story of Chloe. She is in Heaven with her “Spiritual” Daddy.
My daughter is trying to fall pregnant and has had 2 failed IVF’s so far. I have handed it over to God and know that He has it in His hands.
Thank you.
Becky says
My heart aches for your loss but also for your hope in a Christ to see your baby again. Love,
Becky
elizabeth says
dear sister,
this truly moved me to tears. praise God and thank you for sharing your testimony so beautifully. its a blessing to one and all who read it.
may the Love of Christ comfort you as you heal and lead you into all that He has for you in future.
amen
Lora says
Your story is beautiful! We share a bond…….we also have a baby girl in heaven. She would be 17 on May 7. My heart still misses her, but we look forward to meeting her in heaven. We are blessed with two more children….love being a mother!
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