A simple holiday night out with friends.
What should have been an evening filled with laughing, meeting new people, catching up on life, feeling more ‘normal,’ ended up being all about me.
By the time I got home, I jumped in the shower trying to wash off all the ugly that had seeped out of my soul. Jealousy, frustration, anger, pride, gossip were all still with me. They didn’t get in separate vehicles. They came home with me.
The truth was, they were comfortable with me. They knew me well. Before, I couldn’t hear the noise they were making. Deaf to their quiet rooting, comfortable with their presence.
I rationalized, ‘The quiet life is for me. It feels safer at home. I need the rest and I don’t seem to get myself in as much trouble. I probably shouldn’t go out with friends as much.’
Soul deep, a wilderness voice cried out. Crawling its way up to my mouth, moved my lips. No more dead thoughts but red letter words came, dripping from my lips with faucet water.
“Forgive me for thinking more of myself more than the girl across the table.
Help me to be a faithful woman that keeps heartache and shared secrets with only You.
Absolve the sin that is in me.
May the words of my mouth be only pleasing to You.
Give me a clean heart, one full of living water, reflecting You.
Humble me. Let me feel comfortable on my knees and thinking of others more than myself.
Help me to be only the me You created, not what I intend.
Let me not stop meeting with other believers, continuing to hunger for and find real community.
You promise to give me Your yoke, gently and humbly teaching me how to be like You.
Jesus-Grace is what I need. . .again.”
There He was, Jesus. My shower now, His throne room. His robe filling the Temple. His blood pouring over me. Lighter and now soul-cleaner, I wrapped myself in a white towel that felt more like a hug. Praying next time I don’t disappoint Him. Thankful He won’t let me.
Grace acknowledges the full implication of sin and yet does not condemn. – Andy Stanley
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This spoke volumes to me…Thank You! I feel like you just interpreted my thoughts this evening.
the me you created me to be and not what I intend – how peaceful and stress-free. I like that.
Boy can I relate.
An excellent shower prayer! I think it’s good to resist the urge to stay home, isolated, out of fear of the ‘hangover’ from our having been out.
I think we all feel just like this sometimes.
Thank you for reminding us all to strive to be better.
my mom taught art in a rural nc school for years. one day an eighth grade boy showed her how he’d gotten paint all over his hands. she told him it would come off in the shower that night. he replied, “ain’t saturday yet.” how often i put off my “grace” shower for just once a week. when i need. it. daily. thanks for the reminder.
Beautiful post. Miss you, friend!
What a unique post! Thank you for reminding us all that week need a good cleansing of GRACE!
An excellent shower prayer! I, too use the shower as my prayer time – just quietly speaking with God no interuptions.
Thanks for the reminder that we ALL need a grace cleansing now & then!
It is beautiful. Yet my prayer would be that you would know the beauty of transparency, and know authentic relationships where you can share your heartache freely. There’s no shame in needing friends and Father to hear us and love on us when we’re less than amazing. Bless you!
Lord, keep me silent rather than speaking a single word that does not bring You Glory.
Is it any wonder “the tongue” gets so much attention in Scripture? The evil one loves to corrupt the perfection of God’s Design. He created our tongues to offer Him praise. How it must grieve His Heart when I allow it to be hijacked.
He is Glorified by your desire to humble yourself before Him. I am right there with you, grieving over words I have spoken.
I love this post. As I read it – it became a prayer I was personally praying to the Lord.
Thank you for sharing and being real. Think I’ll go reread/pray it. 🙂
Beautiful, beautiful piece. Thank you.
Obviously you are not alone, (originally I thought it was just you and me) I so needed to hear this thank you, thank you.
He shines brightly through you, imperfections and all girl. You are loved. Praying the same prayer over myself today. Thank you.
Excellent Shower Prayer – I probably should print it out and laminate it for my shower meditations. Somehow praying in the shower is such a sweet time – we are open before Him and his new mercies and amazing grace washes us afresh. Thanks for sharing!
Judgment–of others, of ourselves. How quickly and automatically it materializes in our minds. It separates us from others by making others “other.” And it separates us from God.
You have written about what we all experience every day, if not every hour! Thank you for voicing these thoughts and reminding us of our only hope, the only one there is and the only one we need!
Very insightful! I definitely resonate with this. Thank you.
[…] Coming Clean over at (in)courage with Stephanie Bryant […]
I am usually one who can’t even say hello in 500 words or less. But for the second day in a row now I have only one word.
Yesterday was YES,
Today is AMEN.
I’ll throw in a thank you – 4 words, plus the others (see sentence number one)
I needed this today! Thank you Stephanie!
Lovely words! So grateful that He is always there to wash us clean! May we always be watchful of oursleves, but even if we fall… He is there!
Bernice
http://livingthebalancedlife.com/2010/defining-your-priorities-for-the-holidays/
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I usually gloss over the postings on this site, because I can’t relate. But here, I sadly and happily relate. I’ve been struggling for a month now with a particular situation that has brought the ugliest out in me. I was very wounded by someone, and instead of forgiving and moving on, I have sinned and sinned again. I’ve been talking to God about letting go, and this prayer seems like the perfect meeting place to move on. And here is where I happily relate, we are washed anew, and this gives me more hope to move forward with a heart that will be washed anew again and again.
Stephanie Bryant, I just love your heart, your humility, your grace, all the Jesus in you — and I long to sit across the table from you again.
You are so loved ….
By Father — and this messy, dirty, grace-bathed daughter…
All’s grace,
Ann
Stephanie,
One of the things I love about reading incourage posts is imagining who their authors are before I get to the bottom.
I had no idea this one was YOURS. It’s hard to imagine YOU feel the same things I do! And somehow, it ministers greatly to me that I don’t struggle alone. This is beautiful reminder that we journey together and that God’s grace is so greatly needed in my life.
I love you.
I feel the same way as Robin. Thank you, Stephanie! It’s so encouraging to not be so careful that I end up hiding, which is easy for me to do. But, it stifles the connections I could be experiencing. Friendships take so much courage!
When I show my “ugly” my natural tendency is to retreat and isolate. But I know that is not God’s plan for me. It’s the Enemy’s. While it would be so much easier (on everyone, I think!) to just stay home and keep my mouth shut, it is in the interaction with others that my character is refined.
Thank God for grace. Oh, how I need it.
Your flawed sister,
Sandy
I had to leave another comment. Last night, at work, I was so frustrated with someone, I wanted to vent to someone else. I realize this sounds so juvenile, and something I should be aware of, but I repeated this line to myself: “Help me to be a faithful woman that keeps heartache and shared secrets with only You.” and was able to keep my mouth shut. Thanks again. It wasn’t heart ache…or a secret, but a thought that should only be between my Lord and I.
I only know that although I have tread over the line in my negativity sometimes, my greatest moments of breakthrough and relationship and knowing grace, have been when I have been honest and transparent with my closest friends with my emotional vomit. I know it sounds unreligious – but there it is. In fact, once when sharing with my Mom the vile anger and jealousy and almost out of control frustration – she was able to ‘see me’ and say, “it sounds like you are grieving” – which indeed I was. Had I felt too afraid to bare my uglies to anyone but God, I would have missed one of the most important breakthrough’s in my life.
Same with friends…. And sometimes sharing feelings of jealousy have pointed to areas where I was missing my destiny. I can’t live life in fear and in a place of isolating my real feelings from those who ‘see’ the real me and love me anyway….
Our negative feelings are sometimes clues as to boundaries we haven’t set or any number of other things – they are not bad things to be hidden from and iced over to look more Christian.
Just my two cents. I may have interpreted your post wrong but these are my thoughts for today in response.
Much love and grace.
Beautiful and powerful. Thank you.
I need to echo a few of your lines as prayer and praise right now:
“Forgive me for thinking more of myself more than the girl across the table.
…
May the words of my mouth be only pleasing to You.
…
Humble me. Let me feel comfortable on my knees and thinking of others more than myself.
…
Help me to be only the me You created, not what I intend.”
Perfect words. Thank you again.
[…] Coming Clean over at (in)courage with Stephanie Bryant […]