At Open House in the 4th grade, after classrooms had been visited and teachers had vigorously shaken parents’ hands; after the adults had retired to standing awkwardly in social groups under florescent lights with a hardened sugar cookie in one hand and a styrofoam cup of lukewarm coffee in another; we kids begged “just five minutes” and retreated to the mystery of the darkened school yard to play games in the dark.
The group was made up of mostly girls with a few familiar boys who led the temporary gang. I knew if I was going to enjoy whatever freedom came with nighttime rule of the yard we were going to have to hurry. My parents were “those parents” who wouldn’t linger, who needed us in bed at exactly 8:30 and who would be angry if I extended the “5” minutes into “15”.
“Let’s play Ditch-Em,” Brian suggested.
The rest of the tribe assented.
I got ready to run. Whether it was with them or after them I didn’t know yet, but I knew in order to survive I was going to have to run.
Before I could take a deep breath, the kids were gone. They’d run into the night quickly and with more silence than they’d shown in Mrs. Clegg’s classroom before.
Now I understand that that game is just a formalized excuse for group bullying, but then all I could think of was that they were all somewhere that I was not. They were all enjoying the spoils of 10 year old war and I was the one they had defeated. I found my parents and asked to go home.
Yesterday evening I carried my four-year-old from my bed where we’d been reading books to her bedroom. The circles underneath her eyes seemed to dig deep into her cheeks.
Her sister was gone at a pajama-themed birthday party and her dad would be bringing her home well after Naomi had fallen asleep.
As I tucked her in she began to cry. Again. She’d been teary all evening.
“Why can’t I go to the birthday?” she wondered at dinner.
“Why does Hope get to play at the party?” she asked during her bath.
And then as I pulled the quilt up over her shoulders, “When is it my turn?” She turned over to the wall, sad and sleepy.
“I love you, sweetie.” I kissed her and rubbed her back as she fell asleep.
Left out. Forgotten.
Whether it’s an adult-styled Ditch-Em game, with intention and purpose behind the leaving out, or simply a party or gathering it doesn’t make sense for us to attend, even as grownups we still can’t escape the feelings of being
overlooked,
outside,
left out.
It’s why I can’t watch Twitter when All. Of. My. Friends. are at the same conference and I’m tap tap tapping away on my laptop at my normal Starbucks at home. #LeftOut
It’s why I inside-gasp when I read on someone else’s Facebook wall the “OOOHH, it was SOO fun last night with the WHOLE group. Let’s do it AGAIN soon!” Um. I thought I was part of the whole group. I wore my bloated-tummy sweats, ate tortilla chips and watched “I Love Lucy” reruns while my husband worked last night.
It’s why it’s hard it’s sometimes hard to be happy for friends when they get chosen for __________ when it’s something I’ve been passed over for many times. Oh Yay! Whoo-Hoo. I’m so happy for you. When all I want to do is ugly-cry and dramatically scream to the sky, “WHY NOT ME?”
I could tie this article up and tell you that No, You Are Not Forgotten. And that would be true.
But what I really want to say, and what I can’t say to my fourth grade self or my four year old daughter, is Get Over It. At 10 or at 4 we lack the emotional tools to pick our teary selves up and sniffle our snot back into our noses.
But, how old are you? How old am I? Certainly old enough to know the truth:
That most of the time being overlooked is accidental. That most of the people who are chronic conference attendees either do so for work or because they don’t have anything else to do. And that being “left out” is only because you perceive that you would be more content somewhere else.
You are better than that. And so am I. I’m going to suggest that remember what and who we have at our fingertips. That we stop worrying about feeling left out and worry more about how we can be content today. Here. With what I have. That we try to create the type of experiences this morning or this weekend that will make us fall back on our sofas exhausted and say,
“Let’s do that again very soon.”
What about you? Do you have feelings of being left out?
How do you battle them?
By Sarah Markley, The Best Days of My Life
Leave a Comment
I have had these feelings of course as a child. However, after college I moved. A huge move. I moved to a far away state, where I knew no one in the entire state, in fact I didn’t know anyone in the adjacent states either. I had to start over with no friends. I felt like a kindergartener all over again asking people to be my friends. I think some do accidentally leave you out, there are still clicks even at our age though and I will not be successful at breaking in. I think also there is just times you click and circumstances are just right where the “magic” happens. In the end I have learned to be patient and the right friend will come. Also, you can make each day what you want it to be. So make it an adventure. Laugh and have fun. There are so many ways to have fun.
Yes, I have felt left out. The majority of my life (41yrs old now). I have heard ‘get over it’ more times than I can shake a stick at-it didnt work. I was left out, intentionally, from my own family. As a young child I believe, now, that it was unintentional because my Mother just didnt know how to love me. She provided my basics and I never went without except for what I really wanted/needed. Love, Time, someone to talk to. As I became an adult it was completely intentional in my opinion. It was her ‘easy way out’ of something she didnt know how to deal with otherwise. I’ve not had a relationship with either parent for almost 12 years now. Nothing, not even one phone conversation. I have cried many times over those years but mostly at holidays when everyone else seems to be going to their families and all is well in their world for even a day. They may have family issues as most do but to me it felt like they could get past that and enjoy the company during the holiday. That never happened for me. Typically I would hide away from the holidays but thats hard when you have 2 small children. I stay to myself and find it extremely hard to open up to people and it can take years for me to let someone be a ‘real’ friend to me. Someone who knows about my ugly cries!
How am I getting beyond this ‘being left out’ feeling? A lot of prayer with a trusted friend and 8 months of weekly counseling this year (my last one was the Wed before Thanksgiving). I let go of a lot of stuff in that time. It was very good for me and will ultimately be good for my children. I still feel left out and feel ‘different’ but I’m learning to do things, get myself out there soI am not left out. I’m learning to open up to let people know how I feel. I did something that was engrained in my head as a child of something NOT to do. I asked my dear friend (one of about 3 right now) if I could join her and her family on Thanksgiving so I would not be at home alone, the kids were with their Father). I was told to NEVER ask to be invited to something. I’m breaking that rule for myself now. I am tired of being alone and left out. I’m learning my family is my children and myself. My extended family are the people God put in my life specifically when I needed them. I am ever so slowly growing those relationships and have a few now that know me pretty well and they still havent run away screaming! 🙂
Lisa, Good for you for asking a close friend to include you! I, too, have had to start to do that, since my husband left. Sometimes those alone times when the kids are gone too are just too much. As I navigate my way through this new change – being left out from my own family now that it’s been split up – I am desperately seeking the Lord to help me still do it with grace, and with forgiveness in my heart – even for all the things I don’t want to forgive. And I rest in the comfort of Him, knowing that at least there is ONE PLACE (with my Heavenly Father) from where we will never be excluded. Praying for you.
@ Jen, its been real hard since all of my friends now are people who have been married 20+ years or longer, even those my own age! Its hard to ‘want’ to be included in their activities when I do not have the kids because its like I am a third wheel or when I do not have my kids I really do not want to be near kids. Sounds mean but its the truth. I keep thinking I need some single friends. When I was single and then newly married I just wanted married friends to help me out. So its easier to just be alone somedays and fill my time with things that ease my mind and my heart………..
Lisa I love your perspective and your willingness to continue to take risks in relationships. That can be the hardest part I think!
needed in so many ways … for both me and my girls!
Socially I am not very gifted, which means that I am never REALLY on the inner ring of peope’s friendship circles, even of my closest friends. My non-BEST-friends would probably often not even consider me one of their friends. It means that a lot of the time I am talked to when no one else is around, but as soon as ther is someone else to talk to I am forgotten–backs turn to me or walk away…and the I invited everyone over and am having a great time pictures on facebook hurt because I thought everyone included me but then I see the girl she was mad at yesterday was invited but not me…It used to hurt a lot–and I guess i still does–but over time I have gotten used to/better at making friends for whenever the other person wants it and leaving them alone when they move on…I agree, a simple “get-over-it” doesn’t work. Get over it makes sense, but when you are sitting alone at home crying and it seems like everyone else is hanging out having fun, it makes a lot less sense…
VA – I hope you understand my heart on this. It goes beyond “get over it,” absolutely. What my point was that sometimes changing your perspective helps. I know that it does not HEAL deep brokenness that comes from years of being rejected, but with some (not all) situations, getting over it begins to happen when we focus on being content with where we are right now.
I was not intending to address deep brokenness and betrayal. I wrote another comment below to outline that a little further.
I am so so sorry for your pain.
No worries, if I understand your comment correctly then I understood your post incorrectly, but still in a way that I think speaks gently to the pain of being left out. I definitely did not find it offensive at all (and I am coming from a background full of being bullied and being used as a friend-when-convenient-ignored-when-not). Also, I definitely agree that a change in perspective helps SO MUCH; I have learned to cherish the time someone does want to hang out with me and not dwell so much on when they don’t. It’s not perfect, but with a change in perspective it becomes manageable.
love this sarah ” And that being “left out” is only because you perceive that you would be more content somewhere else.”
Thanks for reminding this almost 40 year old girl, that the teenager longing to be included still lives in her heart. So funny, looking back now on THAT girl, I see that being included would have been all wrong for me. Perspective is everything!
Happy Saturday!
Stacey
You know I was thinking about this sort of thing recently: I think there had been a time, maybe, when I naively thought that these sort of things would disappear with marriage and having a family. But no, they seem to have gotten 10x worse! ugh!
Friends who once were in the same circle have spun into other circles. Doesn’t seem to matter that we had various people over to our house for dinner (the favor wasn’t returned). Favoritism. Cliques, maybe?
But this is life. It doesn’t mean that anyone means any harm by it or that they don’t care about me. It shouldn’t matter to me how important I am to them. Jesus Christ and His Word are to be my standards. The wisdom is there. And mot of all I think- I just need to put in more effort at working on my friendships – or I do stand to lose them 😉
i think you are 100 percent correct on this. thank you so much for sharing. 🙂
5,000 miles and a very large ocean divide my friends and me. Yes, I’m left out, but for obvious reasons. What hurts is feeling forgotten. And, I feel like that more times than not.
Dear Carrie,
My heart aches for you. I completely understand that literal wide ocean between you and those you love AND the feeling of being forgotten. I had to remind myself that it was a two-way street, I could pick up the phone or email or skype just as much as they could. I had to become pro-active about having community to interact with. But it still did not completely erase that feeling.
It struck me in Sarah’s article here, that it does all come down to being content where God has put you. I found, for myself, that participating in Ann Voskamp’s gratitude community helped me tremendously to focus on what God has put in my life, right here, right now, and close by.
Hugs to you my sister in Christ,
Hiking with Jesus,
Sharon
Truth be told, we’ve all felt excluded at one time or another … and the saddest thing is that many times this wound has come from those who are supposed to be our siblings in Christ.
But the bottom line is that until we find our worth, our confidence, our selves in our relationship with Christ, we will never measure up in our own eyes. We’ll always be looking around for strokes, affirmation, kudos. And it’ll never be enough to satisfy the huge hole in our souls. And our endless neediness will drive people further from us.
Very well said, Linda. Our worth and selves are found in Christ. Thank you for leaving a comment.
I’m going to try not to blather on and on about how much I loved this, how much it spoke to me, how I have felt EXACTLY the same way – way too many times to make anyone proud at all.
I’ve been the one on the couch watching the twitter feeds about all the fun being had by what seems to be everyone but me. In that moment it’s hard not to cry the ugly cry.
Last year I decided that I would try my best not to let my posts or my tweets or my fb status be the reason for anyone to feel left out of anything. So there are some things I just don’t share out here.
Heart you. 🙂
That is a great decision Deidra! So many post not thinking of how it will affect others. Hugs to you!
Oh Sarah Girl…this is one reason of many why I love you so…You are so honest… so open. I have these ugly cry moments too and sometimes they stem from genuine hurt and sometimes they are really self-inflicted wounds that I need to get over and replace with truth. Thank you.
Oh Sarah Girl…this is one reason of many why I love you so…You are so honest… so open. I have these ugly cry moments too and sometimes they stem from genuine hurt and sometimes they are really self-inflicted wounds that I need to get over and replace with truth. Thank you.
Boy Howdy! I think I’ll start calling you Sarah Tell-It-Like-It-Is Markley! 🙂
You are so right. Sometimes I just need to put on my big girl panties and get over it.
When I start to feel left out, I tell myself if God meant for me to be a part, He’d work it out where I was included. I take initiative where I feel led to join in and try to rest in the knowledge that God directs me to the places I belong. I’m being an egomaniac to think I belong in every place and in every conversation (in my opinion!)
Girl!! Amazing post!
What do I do? Exactly the last two paragraphs.. and then get over myself and welcome exactly where He has me. Reminding myself that my heart is deceitful so much of the time.
Constantly amazed by your words…
Much love,
D
Finally someone honest!! So many women struggle with this. You mentioned, but even Facebook can make you feel left out too. It was hard enough trying to make the cool group in school, now we can see if we make the grade with Facebook and Twitter.
Thanks for a wonderful post!
Loved this! Exactly what I needed today. Thanks, Sarah!
This seems to be the story of my life…I don’t say it in a ‘woe is me’ way, just that I’ve always been prone to feeling ‘left out’ and have a keen radar for it…He has brought me far, but when these thoughts come again, it is hard and hurts like it always had.
Loved your honesty…and it was encouraging to read everything and then see that it was by ‘you’ someone I wouldn’t think would be left out;) We really all can feel this way, can’t we?
Loved this, Sarah! It’s funny how, in some way, we all feel this way from time time. I know I do, even though I’m an introvert who needs her alone time often. Thanks for the encouragement today.
thank you Tsh. I need the encouragement more than you know. =)
[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Jen -BeautyandBedlam, sarahmarkley, sarahmarkley, Michelle Sarabia, Melissa Brotherton and others. Melissa Brotherton said: Loved this post from @sarahmarkley on @incourage! Battling the Ugly Cry http://bit.ly/dPgTha […]
Oh how I feel this. I was the child that was always left out. Ditched. And even as an adult I obviously feel it. I’ve often thought that Twitter can be detrimental for me because I will use it to measure what people think of me. Do they respond? Do they engage me? Oh well that person doesn’t talk to me they must not like me. And since I’m introverted it’s very, very difficult for me to engage. All of this of course battles with my affirmation love language.
I loved this post! Yes, I have done the wallowing, self-pitying “oh it’s not fair” wail and, if I’m completely honest, still do from time to time. We don’t want to feel forgotten. We look to be the centre of someone’s attention, just like a child. But we need to think about what we have, who does love us & be GRATEFUL. I think thankfulness is a key here. Right, now to start living out that advice which always seems to be tougher than saying it/ writing it 🙂
Beautiful. Thank you.
Great post and very true. I’m guilty of feeling left out and throw a pity party but I hate it when I do. You’re right we need to get over and rejoice with friend weather we were invited or not.
I so could relate to this. LOVE it.
It stinks that it still hurts! That it still matters. No matter how much older I grow and grow in Christ–it still makes an impact because we all have that deep need to be deeply loved, wanted and admired. We all share about how God made it that way and how only He can fill us and blah…blah…blah… 🙂 But insecurity and rejection are BIG weapons our enemy uses to go after our position in Christ. And he doesn’t just use it once or twice–but again and again and again…because it works so well!
Great post!
Very true, Robin.
Thanks Sarah! I liked the angle you took on it! 🙂 I think I learned to get over it by Jesus helping me to be content, whether left out or included – to forgive and understand like I wanted to be forgiven and understood. God bless you for inviting us all here! 🙂
I am NOT a big fan of conferences. Especially if it’s more expensive to see a conference and I could use that $$$ to pay my rent and get the same Word out of my bible and spend a lil more time in His presence and prayer.
In the case of seeing friends… Not really either 😉 I mean it’s cool they get to meet all kinds of people and get to network but even if I don’t get to spend time with ‘them’ at the conference (and be part of the ‘cool twitter/blogger’ crowd…, I was at home spending time with the people that I love the most and who love me the most, my family.
And THAT my friend, is very well said. And is speaking to me right where I am at. Thank you.
totally loved this. it so applies to all of us. Facebook & Twitter really have taken “social life” to a whole new level and I’ve definitely had those same thoughts when reading my “news feed.” thank you for reminding me to GET OVER IT. 🙂
Wow! Were you reading my diary?? 😉
yes 😉
Fantastic Poxt!!
I felt left-out, too, for years. I was in my mid-to-late thirties and still single. It’s tough when your sisters are all married with children and really enjoying life.
I spent time doing local missions to the jail and on weekend mission retreats. This helped some, but didn’t fill in all the lonely hours, especially at Christmas, Easter, New Year’s Eve. Oh yeah and lots of prayers – why not me – when’s it gonna be my turn?
God finally answered my prayers and sent me a wonderful man.
Your advice is well taken!
Beth
Much love,
I can totally relate to this. All my life I’ve had times like that, and you’d think we would grow out of it as an adult. I’m in my 40s and I still feel those familiar twinges of loneliness and inferiority. Even when I AM included in what others might perceive as the cool crowd, I can feel inferior to the others IN the cool crowd. How is that for craziness?
I’m finally learning to find contentment right where I am with what I have. It is definitely a process of embracing what matters most and knowing where the fulfillment in life really comes from.
Thanks for the post, Sarah!
oh dear. I’ve mixed feelings about this one, Sarah. I’ve been the one tweeting from the conference and the one feeling left out when it seems all the cool kids are there but me, so I know feeling left out, plus happy inclusion.
But the “get over it” comes across as too harsh to me. 🙁 Maybe I’m too sensitive…
humbly,
monica
I have to agree on the harshness. I’m sure there are readers with such painful pasts that a gentle answer delivers better instruction. Getting over deep-seated rejection takes more than self-admonition.
Robin, I’ve addressed this below. I would hope you would read my additional comment to understand what this post was truly attempting to address.
Monica, I’ve addressed this below in the comments. Deepest apologies for offending you. I think I’ve explained it in the comment below. Hopefully you will understand my heart on this.
Hi Monica –
Thanks for sharing your feelings about this post. We hear you. We appreciate your viewpoint, and I hope you’ll be able to see Sarah’s heart in some of her explanations below. Because we couldn’t agree more that sometimes there are things we cannot just “get over.” And we want to be sensitive to that too.
I have so often been on the “left out” end of things. In fact, that’s why I started reading and writing blogs. There have been many times when I was invited to something, but because of kids (nursing, bedtimes, financial situation) could not go. Then after a while invitations stopped. Sometimes I get that lonely feeling and have even said to my husband that I wish we had more friends that lived the same lifestyle as us. Mostly I do remember that this is a season and we can do more things with “the crowd” by being the organizers. Thanks so much for your open honest post.~Jessica
i’m so glad that you wrote about this sarah! i can so relate to this! i have been thinking that sometimes twitter & facebook feels like school all over again. i’ve got some issues. 🙂
we all have issues. let me be the first to raise my hand!!
I can understand what you are trying to say, but you are really misinformed about some things people are going through and why they are feeling “left out”. So, because of that your article offends me. I wonder if you would “get over it” if you were told you could no longer see your grandchildren, but the rest of the family could. These children were a part of your everyday life and the sweetness they brought could not even be defined. Then after five years of loving them and they you, they are pulled from you because of a new stepfather wishing to make a new start without grandma. For no real apparent reason so you are told, just a new start. The door is closed to you….maybe forever, how would you handle that? Just get over it?? I don’t think so. This has been an ongoing process of releasing the pain and anguish to the Lord everyday of my life. I don’t know that I will ever “get over it”, but He is showing me how to live through it………just thought you should know…….
Tania,
Your post touched me. I just want to tell you that the children will never forget you – never.
As a child my mother wanting to start a new life for herself with a new man told me my father was dead. For years I cried and prayed that somehow my father wouldn’t be dead and would find me.
Then one day, when I was 14 years old he DID find me and we’ve had an incredible relationship ever since. I am now 45 years old and it is my father who is my anchor and my children’s primary grandparent. He reaped the benefits because of his steadfast love. Sadly, my mother never quite got it and she has a very limited role in my life and that of my kids.
So I tell you all this to say be encouraged! No matter what the step-father or your daughter might try to do, kids are smart and they know real love when they experience it. Keep praying for them and maybe even write them a letter each year about what you would have liked to have done with them etc. And trust me, one day God will raise you up and repair the breach.
Tania, I am so so sorry for your pain.
I’ve addressed this below in the comments. My deepest apologies for offending you and that was never my intent. I was not speaking to hurt like this in my post. This kind of hurt is far deeper and goes far beyond “getting over it”. Please read my other comment to understand my intent.
Tania – I echo Sarah’s response as well. These kinds of hurts are agonizing and way beyond the “get over it” variety. These require much prayer and intercession and community. Please know that we hear these hurts and we wish we could come alongside to walk with you through them. And we know that Jesus promises He will do just that.
I personally don’t take the ‘get over it’ as too harsh at all. I mean…what’s the alternative response that we should have if we feel left out? Do we sit at home, mentally returning to those teenage Saturday nights where it seemed that EVERYBODY was out having fun, or do we start to be focussed & intentional about our time, either in company or by ourselves, we still need to choose what we do with what we’ve been given.
For myself, in the last 10 years I’ve gone from a small, closeknit residential bible college, back to my parents’ house, met & married my husband, emigrated to the other side of the world, lived in a small, remote country town, moved to the big smoke, and now we’ve moved back round the world again. Easy for this insular type to turn inwards and choose isolation as a coping mechanism. Especially when friends from 8 years ago have moved on. But really….do I expect them to put their lives on hold for me?
Sometimes I have to force myself to make new connections & friends. And I mean force. But despite my insecurities, it continues to be so rewarding. Not all friends will be our BFFs. But some people will turn out to be closer than sisters. We just sometimes have to accept that adult friendships aren’t meant to be like childhood ones.
I just know for myself that I became a lot happier with my place among others when I became less reactionary. Alone is not always isolated, and what we see others have & do, while lovely for them, isn’t necessarily the best for us.
I VERY much appreciate your comment, Diane. Thank you so much.
Sarah,
Your story pulled me in. You alone in darkened playground. Your little girl missing her big sister’s birthday party. And while I agree that giving into self-pity can be unhealthy, all too often, I think we as women, tell ourselves to get over it and shove those hurtful feelings of rejection way down deep inside us.
I have learned from some very hard experiences that the feelings of rejection, although buried do not leave us until we can truly come to terms with being left out and someone put it into perspective. Instead, a vague emptiness surfaces within that we can’t fully identify, but we know it has to do _____________, whatever or whoever shamed us into feeling we weren’t wanted.
I will not take the time to share the stories in this post, but on my own blog, I have shared some painful being left out incidents in my own life.
You write well Sarah. Keep doing that. But remember, some people don’t bounce back as readily as others. All of us have a different core of strength and woundedness. Let’s be tender and understanding with one another.
Debbie, I’ve addressed this below in the comments.
This is perfect. So perfect.
There will always be someone who gets to go when we don’t, always someone who gets the gig we wanted, someone who does it just a bit better. And pouting? Doesn’t really change the way it all goes down, does it?
Love this, friend.
i went (and am still going through) a dark season of being left out. my best friend decided she didn’t want to be my best friend. my dad died. my stepmom turned against me. my sister decided she didn’t want to be my sister. my brother decided he didn’t want to be my brother. new friends didn’t want to meet up again. i feel left out online because i am not in the “in” crowd.
deep lonliness set in and i wondered why and i had many, many days spent in bed sleeping and somehow i was able to get my girls ready for school and make some kind of dinner. spagehtti again, i’m sure. and slowly, God was showing me that for a season he was removing people in my life for one very important purpose.
to connect with my husband.
the one i left behind 7 years ago and kept leaving behind even after my own “come to jesus moment.” needed me to need him again.
and the fog started to lift as i willed myself to fit in….to fit in with my husband.
and that loneliness of being left out has been the greatest blessing. but it has been hard to get past. being left out came to mean being planted where i was.
and sometimes, when i feel left out, i reach out. reach out again and again to new. reach out to “in” crowd….i perhaps, even email to see if we can meet (maybe at catalyst and writing conferences 😉 ) because sometimes it’s just good to get over being left out and ask to join along.
you bless me, sarah. truly!
– melissa
i love your story Melissa. Yes, I hope we can meet. I’d love that.
Such timely truth. Thank you for saying out loud what so many of us so often feel!
I loved this and wrote about my recent feelings on this topic here:http://marcandcharity.blogspot.com/2010/12/he-never-lets-go.html
thanks for this!!
I moved a lot growing up and had a lot of ‘left out’ times. Thank you. I shared this on my facebook wall.
Unfortunately some of you feel that I am misinformed and/or offensive.
First of all, you would know (if you knew me) that I am neither misinformed nor would even intent to offend anyone.
What I addressed in this post was the general feeling of being left out when others seem to be having fun without you. I NEVER intended to address the deep brokenness that comes with rejection and betrayal at the hand of a spouse, parent or child. Never. I’m so sorry that some of you read into my words and misunderstood me to be addressing those kind of deep hurts and needs.
Some of you feel as if my post was harsh. Again, my “get over it” was not intended AT ALL to speak to those of US (and yes, me too) who are undergoing longterm recovery from horrors and hurts that others have imposed upon us in the past (or currently). I would NEVER think or propose that anyone undergoing this kind of healing should just “get over it.”
The “get over it” was simply talking to US (again me because this is something I struggle with daily) who feel like anywhere else but here is BETTER. That our current situation is mundane or boring or not fun compared to everyone elses. And that others INTEND to leave us out. While sometimes that is true and people, women and girls especially, are known to be vindictive and mean, most of the time our feelings of being left out are as a result of our own perspective.
Again, I apologize to all who were offended by this post. I wish you knew me and understood my heart to really understand that was not my intent.
Sarah,
I truly enjoy your posts, and while this one was very hard to read, I am very touched by your response to my original post. Thank you. However,……..
we, your readers, only know you and your hearts intent through your posts, as that is the only way we have of
“getting to know you”. You seem defensive in your explanation, and I am sure you are feeling a little battle worn, but you are still the one writting the post, and I feel it is your responsibility to share with the reader who your intended audience is. Otherwise how is your reader suppose to know where to draw the line/with which incident or hurtful situation? Only my opinion Sarah, but maybe something to think about for all of us….
Dearest Sarah, Honestly I wasn’t offended, just disappointed you would use a flippant cliche that’s very New Jersey speak. That’s what I meant by harsh.
I think you’re lovely with a terrific heart for Christian women online, that’s why I wanted to call attention to your use of the phrase – I know you are a better communicator of truth than that. (I also apologize for using the comments as a way to voice my displeasure. I really must remember I’m not your editor. Sorry!)
monica
Very, very well written.
Great post. The thinking I’d be more content elsewhere really got me thinking and you’re right, we are often over-looked by accident… My insecurity raises it’s ugly head when I feel “left out”. I have learned it is definitely more painful to watch your children get “left out”. Lessons my high school daughter has learned during a hard six months at a new school she will take back to her former school; she’ll be much more compassionate and have eyes to see those that feel left out…
I think I need to memorize this post.
Especially, “That we stop worrying about feeling left out and worry more about how we can be content today. Here. With what I have.”
and
“And that being “left out” is only because you perceive that you would be more content somewhere else.”
Thank you.
This is perfect. Just what I needed. I fell back into a dark depression because I was “left out.” It took me a long time to realize that my so-called friends were doing things that I had previously expressed no interest in doing in the past. It was a lack of communication, and lack of interest to be a part of what they were doing, not because I was left out. And it was not intentional. I’ve pretty much gotten past it, and while my friendships from that time are still fractured, I am working to improve on that, and determine if I do want to further develop friendship with them or if I just like to have them on the periphery, getting togther every so often, but not wrapped up in a daily or weekly relationship. And I’m ok with it. God has made me realize these things, and while several in this group of friends I’m referring to are Christian, it’s not a part of our relationships or activities. That is something that has made me realize that I should work harder to build friendships with those who want to develop a deeper understanding and commitment to God. It took me a long time to get to this point, but I’m really ok with being “left out.”
Dear Sarah,
It doesn’t seem that you should be left out, but I do know that feeling, felt it during high school and a lot lately really. I made the decision that in 2011 I was not going to continue to spend my time feeling that way. Your words sum up my feelings pretty good as I generally am not good getting those feelings down in words. God bless you for sharing that post, I know it will bless many. It just seems that so many discuss their “community” as well as their fun times together and it is very hard to read that and not be a part of it. I have thought how could I be a better person or at least one people would want to be part of their community. Then I realized that I was being too self-focused and needed to redirect my time and effort. Thank you again for sharing!!
Perfectly timed and beautifully written post as my 5 year old daughter has been showing some recent and new signs of separation anxiety. It is unusual and as a stay at home Mom who rarely has 5 minutes to herself, I’ve so wanted to say, “GET OVER IT”. But the fact of the matter is that we can ALL relate to the feelings of being left out. Your reminder will help me love her better and offer the security of my arms during this season vs. my desire to push her to independence. THANK YOU!
you had me until the end. i don’t think that feeling left out means being discontent with what one has. we all long for friendship and community, and that void is deep, painful, and real. it’s sad, but i’ve found christian women to be most like high school when it comes to who’s in and out.
when i struggle with loneliness, a simply “get over it” will not suffice. i try to be the one to reach out instead of wallowing and waiting for invitations–which i think is what you were getting at at the end about creating experiences.
judging from all the comments, you really struck a chord here! may we all BE the people who make others feel loved and like they belong.
Amen to that, Suzannah! May we all aspire to be those people!
I realize that often I am waiting to be invited to something, when I could easily be the one DOING the inviting. I need to take more initiative to mke the kinds of connections with other women that I want to have.
With so many women feeling left out, I think we should all meet up for games and chocolate next Friday night!
sarah-
Amen sister! Great words to take into the new year. Not to minimize the deep hurts other have expressed, but so many of us simply need to take what open hands what God has for us…it is so much! By constantly looking what others have robs us of seeing our own blessings. Thank you.
PS And it is so hard to hear our daughters voice the same hurts, insecurities, and see them looking at themselves as less than they are. Three daughters here–yikes! Although it is hard, and takes me back to the dread middle school years, I find myself saying things I need to hear as well at 39!
Thank you so much for this post! It is what I needed to read today! God bless!
I know I’m not alone in this feeling now. Every single woman has had an encounter with feeling left out. Somedays, just clicking on the computer can spiral a person into the blues. (I agree with many other’s who have said….you can’t just get over it!) People can be thoughtless (knowing & not knowingly). It seems everyone wants to “belong” to something or someone. Friendships, study groups, work circles….Church cliques, conference gals and bigshots. All of us have wished to be a part of “the” group. I don’t believe it’s always meant in a way that is “exclusive”….but special people like to stick with other special people.
I really do not mean this to be offensive to anyone, I PROMISE!!! But after reading Beth Moore’s book on insecurity….I see this subject with a little more clarity. We’re constantly sizing one another up (whether we’ll admit it or not) and unfortunately, it’s destructive to us in everyway.
When my heart feels left out (AND IT HAS) something I try to remind myself of is that God has something else for me. He may not need me there mingling with the “it” girls at the “it” conference. Maybe He wants me loving on those that I’m with instead.
I DON’T GET MY SELF WORTH:
–from rubbing elbows at the hottest SBC women’s conferences
–teaching the newest Ladies Bible Study class
–twittering with the big blogger gals
–dropping names of beloved speakers/writers that I’m “friends” with
–sharing on my blog that I’m in the big city with famous blog/authors
Matter of fact…..when I hear other’s bragging about that stuff, I think of how crafty satan is to use God’s children to hurt others. Who doesn’t feel left out or less than? I’m inspired by your post and I plan to do just what Deidra decided to do.
“Last year I decided that I would try my best not to let my posts or my tweets or my fb status be the reason for anyone to feel left out of anything. So there are some things I just don’t share out here.”
Oh, those dreaded hashtags and Facebook photos! 🙂
We changed churches early this summer, and it’s been — as you describe — several times since then. Initially we had one forthright conversation with dear friends and were able to express our hurt feelings. To their credit, they received our words with receptivity and grace. Since then, we’ve been better able to “get over it.”
Ah, hitting me where I live again.
This has been the story of my life, though one story I contribute to as much as I hate to admit it. Sometimes I don’t want to be involved. Sometimes I want to retreat and hide away from the world. But sometimes I stand with a group of people after church hoping that someone will invite me to lunch, or a game night, or something that doesn’t highlight the fact that (In my mind anyway) I’m not included because I’m not part of a couple, or a mother, or engaged, or or or.
I have to tell myself to get over it a lot, because it does feel personal even when it isn’t. Just another sign of my brokenness, really. One I can’t grow out of, I can only get healed from it by not believing the lie that my worth is measured in the regard of anyone other than Jesus.
Sarah,
Thank you so much for sharing this. I know I am late leaving a comment but it has touched me. I have been one both ends of this topic. Being excluded and unintentionally hurting someone else as a result of just not being mindful.
Your reminder and admonition was just what I needed to hear today.
And as I read through the comments I was impressed to tell you that I admire your honesty and willingness to share what the Lord has put on your heart. There will always be those that do not and cannot understand what we write, speak, etc because they have had such a different life and therefore perspective. But the Lord knows your heart and its intent. Please be encouraged in the fact that you have touched so many lives!!
Hi Sarah!
Just caught up reading here and loved hearing your voice through this honest story of where you’ve been … and where He’s placed you now — with Him and with us! You’re special… 🙂
I feel like I found my kindred spirit. I loved this post! LOVED.
In stead of getting sappy or drippy about being “winners in Christ” (which is really hard to remember even if it’s true) You said the truth. Get over it. SO true. The truth behind it, is that the devil will do whatever he can to make us stop looking at the Cross (Jesus) and start looking at ourselves…which is quite pitiful, big sweat pants and all. Thank you for being honest. I will return to this blog a lot more. THANKS