For years I declared that I wouldn’t have just one child. In the back of my mind, I thought that having two children would guarantee that the same heartbreaks and confusion I experienced wouldn’t be passed on.
I was an only child of parents who divorced when I was young. I always wanted to do the right thing and for my parents to be happy with me. I grew up at a young age. I was a good girl.
One day after I turned 18, I made a decision I never thought I’d make. I chose to secretly and quietly do what my mother wanted of me. Her love for me convinced me this was better for me in the long run. I was afraid and I still needed my mom in my life. This choice rocked my good girl character description and shredded my pride. Sadness, guilt and shame have been a part of me as I think of the life that could have been, even though I know I have been forgiven fully and completely.
Years later when I was married and four months pregnant, a routine ultrasound discovered a heart that stopped beating. Life had ceased without notice. What did I do? Was it because of the choice I made so many years ago?! I was a good girl. I couldn’t help but think that maybe I deserved this. “This isn’t the time to be a super woman,” a doctor told me during the delivery, as I dug deep to be strong. I felt shame for hurting so much.
Not sure I ever believed He would, God later blessed me with a son – a perfectly healthy, 9 1/2 pound joy-of-a-boy. I was proud of myself for doing everything right. This was the time to be super woman, I thought. I did it all – so nearly-perfectly. I needed to prove that I was capable.
I should have been satisfied.
Yet, even with the blessings I was given, I continued to long for another child. Couldn’t I be grateful for what I had? I felt badly about wanting another when it cost me so much to get this one. Yet, my heart ached for one more. Our house has four bedrooms and one of them has a room perfect for a little girl. I would look into it and wonder if we would someday…
Sometimes I think that I have been worked-on to be a mother to a girl and excitement fills me as I think of the possibility. Other times, the joy for our current moment and our life as a family of three, outweighs my impatient I-want-another! temper tantrum. Such a push and pull – wanting more, yet being satisfied with what we have.
I’m not sure if we ever will have a fourth member in our family. What I do know is that I’m content with our life today. Fear won’t be my motivation for trying to play-God and try for something that isn’t right for us right now. I’m excited for the gifts God wants to bless us with someday, and I’m making the most with what He’s already blessed us with.
About that perfect-for-a-girl room in my house…it’s being prepared for a different kind of purpose – a special place for me to write, pray and listen. A gift for me. Grace to receive. And as far as the part of my story that I’m most shy to talk about…I am receiving Grace for myself in that part of my story, too.
It’s a bit scary to say “Yes!” to the blessings of today, because it feels like I am saying “No” to a dream. And I am in a way. I am saying “No” to the thoughts of the unknown future that take me away from the present moment.
It takes courage to accept my story. Sometimes I feel ashamed that I haven’t accepted it all along, but I think I needed to live it out a little to appreciate and accept it.
By Amy R. Hunt, ARock4Him