I was stopped cold on page 26 when I read about Ann’s “taunt of names.” They will no doubt be different for each of us but certainly we can relate to the notion that we each have these “signs nailed overhead…through us…naming us.” Immediately a few of those come to mind, and I am struck with the intensity with which they sting. I realize as I am reading that these names have affected me profoundly, on levels I’m not sure I have processed.
I paused at the bottom of the page and prayed for the way I have allowed those to shape me, my view of myself, and in essence, the way I relate to God. I found myself nodding as I continued on to page 27, making a mental checklist of all the same things in my life I feel like I fail at doing.
And I love the question it all leads to: Will I ever be enough?
Sometimes whispered, other times shouted. I’m failing. I’m not living this life the way it’s intended to be. I can’t catch my breath and do it right. Maybe tomorrow…
As Ann says, ‘It’s the in between that drives us mad.”
It is where we each live; this place that tempts us to believe there is something within our grasp that can remedy the gap. We try a hundred different ways to fill it but we find each lacking, exhausted by the process and the (same) result, over and over again.
What struck me as I was reading is the way I have used my own strength as a gauge of success. And no wonder I get all tongue-tied and broken-hearted when someone gives me a “name.”
Because at the heart of the pain is this simple fact:
I have believed them more often than I have believed Him.
And no wonder I haven’t given the thanks I should. He calls me beautiful, pure, wonderful, and even more miraculous to me-He says I am worth it.
He says I am enough.
For me, the seed this week was the notion that I have allowed others to “define” me more than the Lord, and it has hindered me from feeling the gratitude that swallows iniquity.
I am not ever going to be “enough” if my sense is that I must please everyone and never disappoint those around me. I grow weary from thinking of it, and sad to consider what it may have robbed me of in light of the love that never fails.
As we read Ann’s gradual understanding of the word “eucharisto,” I can’t help but feel excited about it being here. Tangible. A gift for the taking.
And even more than that, an offering.
Seed: What does Jesus say about me? Do I believe it more than the other names?
Water: I am reminding myself of this truth in moments where I am struggling to feel like I am enough.
Grow: I told her I loved her song. And I meant it J I am beginning the hunt for beauty and I love every discovery…
What stood out for you in this chapter? Feel free to share the seed that you are growing as we go…
And starting this Friday and every Friday after that during this study, check back for some special bonus content (and we will discuss chapter three on Sunday, as planned)!