About the Author

Mary is a writer and speaker who lives for good books, spicy queso, and television marathons – but lives because of God’s grace. She writes about giving up on perfect and finding truth in unexpected places at MaryCarver.com. Mary and her husband live in Kansas City with their two daughters.

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  1. I hid for years ~20-30yrs! Its only been in the past 3 years that I have allowed myself to start emerging from my giant cave I lived in. Not allowing anyone in to see the true extent of my pain. But I have learned, God has other plans. He guided me to my church now, he worked on me behind the scenes for about 2 years or longer, he placed a women in my life that he knew I would be able to trust immediately-very unlike me-, he had me pour my heart out to her in person-unlike me- and in email-my favorite form of communication!, He led me to a psychologist that he knew would be very gentle yet firm with me, even though she was closing her practice that same year she chose to take me on as a new patient–she said God told her to do it so she did. He used her to crack the wall and drop it down to the ground so I was completely exposed to her, my friend at church, and God. No more secrets, a lot of pain, a lot of tears, a lot of anxiety but now a lot of trust in these 3–so very unlike me. I am healing, I am still hurting but I am on a much better path and I have unlocked the door on the inside of my cave and walked out of it. I closed the door and locked myself OUT of that cave. I will not let myself go back inside-I have sat at the door crying, begging to get back in but the key is gone so I can’t. I have no other choice but to look at myself, relationships and people with new eyes–its all new to me it seems! And its all God!


    • Oh Lisa, I am so proud that you have come so far! I am working on coming out of the cave as well. I suffered a mental meltdown last year after working myself into a frenzy trying to hide behind the front that I was fine, I was okay, I could handle it. And then I just shut down. God is helping me to become comfortable with who I am in Him, that I don’t have to be perfect in this life, I just have to look to Him. One of the best ways I find to progress in this healing process is to speak out about it. I believe the devil would like nothing better for women to continue to hide. He can’t steal our soul, but he steals our joy and our influence with others. By speaking out and encouraing other women to as well, we are defeating the devil, working to restore our joy and the joy of those other hurting women.
      Mary, great story here. We all tend to hide behind something, mine was work, your was your camera.
      a href=”http://livingthebalancedlife.com/2011/letting-go-of-who-i-thought-i-was-supposed-to-be/” target=”_blank”>Letting go of who I thought I was supposed to be

  2. Awesome post Mary! You had me “hooked” from beginning to end. And in the middle I had to giggle/snort because of a grudge I came away with toward a fellow participant at a church meeting no less. I came home and was standing tall on my soap-box glory telling Wonderful Husband about what the other person had said that was so wrong. How I was soooo right. Went to journal about it and how in those moments God showed me that the other person wasn’t the only one who was wrong. (I hate it when He does that too! Ha!) And I had to put that soap-box moment away.

    In answer to your question(s), I’ve found that the deeper I walk through God’s Word and truths and carry them with me, I’m able to more clearly assess the situations for what they are… instead of what they could be or what I wish they would be. Praise God for giving me some of His wisdom!

    • Thanks, Cindy. 🙂 Yes, I know that when I’m firmly grounded in the Word and in prayer, I’m less likely to get on my soapbox in the first place – or at least quicker to realize just what I’ve done. You’re right – thank God for sharing His wisdom…and for His patience!

  3. Oh, this was excellent. Thank you, Mary.

    I have not only caught myself having strong reactions to things based on past pain from totally separate incidents/situations, BUT have also been victim to another doing that….and fortunately, remembering my own out-of-proportion rush to judgement, understood.

    God is in the business of reconciliation and so should we be. And sometimes the first person we need to come to terms with and see the truth about is ourselves. What a wonderful analogy – wanting to see through the correct lens!

    • Marilyn, that’s a great point about being on the receiving end of this type of mistake – and being more understanding and gracious because we’ve done it, too. I pray that I remember that next time I’m caught in this situation, on either end.

  4. Mary, you are a wise woman. I’ve done the very same thing. When someone hurts a person I love, Iose all objectivity and my emotions take over. I need to stop and ask if it’s really about more than I see. Thanks for the perspective, friend!

    • Well, I don’t know how wise I am. But every once in a while, God gives me nuggets. Too bad it’s almost always because I’ve just blown it and need to be forgiven! 🙂 Seriously, though, I’m with you. When someone “messes with” people I love, I become a crazy mama bear in about 4.7 seconds. Interesting to think of how God must feel when someone hurts His children – and then to see how slow Jesus was to anger and quick to forgive and love. Hmmm. Much to think about here.

  5. How true! We all tend to hide behind some rose colored lens.

    I’m an emotional person and I usually, unfortunately, get upset easily. That is especially true if someone I love is involved.

    • I often call myself “temperamental,” because I think that covers my tendency to crazy emotions pretty well. I’m so inspired by people I know who are more “even keel,” especially when I know that peace comes from the Lord!

  6. Such good thoughts… I’m going to ponder today what lenses my view is being distorted by. First one that came to mind was FEAR. Seems like such a huge distorter. What if I dare remove that lens and look around it? Might the world and the challenges in front of me not appear so huge and intimidating… Hmmm…

    Thanks for sharing your honest thoughts.

  7. what a great post. Thank you so much for sharing your heart and being transparent. It is so true that we often view life and relationships through a wrong lens, or from a lens we’ve viewed things from in the past.

  8. Past painful experiences have a way of tagging along… long past when they should. It does leave us with an out of focus perspective. I am so grateful for this new way of looking at it. Thank you Mary!

  9. Such well written words! It’s so true! People like to blame others for things but forget to realize there are two sides to every story. Kudos to you for being big enough to look at ways you can be better in that situation!

  10. what a perfect analogy. i find that a lot, especially when dealing with family, that i have to actually step out of myself and into who they are. it’s that moment of not only seeing the situation, but seeing what they are emotionally capable or incapable of doing. great post, friend.