I had been toying with the idea to wear a wedding band, although I am not married. I had this irrational fear of going through my day, two young kids in tow, and being pitied. Look at the harried, single mother, sweatshirt and ponytail, not a speck of makeup. What will become of her? I thought that if I was wearing that band it would show that someone loved me. That I was not alone. That it was OK if I was not always looking my best, because I was part of something, I already had my happily ever after.
The ironic part was that for years I wore that band. I was once married, and it was not happily ever after. I spent years in the marriage, and I still did not feel complete. I was looking for something to make me feel whole, feel loved, and then I lost my way.
My marriage ended and eventually I found a wonderful man who I thought may be the answer to everything. I could feel complete. He was my best friend, and he dearly loved me. But that was still not the answer. It seemed I was always looking for something, yet I didn’t know what it was. I kept thinking if I just had… then I would be happy. If only I were skinny. If only we got married. I pushed and I pushed for an engagement I wasn’t even sure I wanted, and I pushed him away.
Meanwhile, I had always been curious about church and religion, yet it was never pursued. I was not raised in a family that went to church, and truth be told I was embarrassed at how little I knew. I was scared I would walk in to church and they could tell I didn’t belong. I didn’t know the first thing about the Bible, and I thought everyone would know. This was difficult for me. At this time in my life, I felt I needed God more than ever. I needed, and wanted, that relationship with Him, yet I was not sure where to start.
I tried a few churches, they were not for me. Finally, I found the perfect one, where I felt welcome and not judged. My girls were well taken care of within the youth programs when I attended, and the pastor spoke in a way I could relate to, and understand. The more I listened, the more I felt at home; this was what I had been looking for. I was reading books and the Bible to help me try and understand this longing and emptiness I had.
I had tried to control my life for so long, I was overcome with a feeling of peace once I realized that God was in control of my future; He had a plan for me. I didn’t have to know what it was, I just had to trust in Him. Now, this was hard for me. It’s one thing to read about it, to write it, to say it. But to truly put my life and trust there, and believe it… didn’t come easy. Sometimes it still doesn’t. But I am learning, I am trying. I am finding my way.
I learned sometimes we are in such a hurry to get “there”, wherever we think that may be, that we don’t enjoy the journey. Knowing that He has a plan for me, I now can enjoy my journey.
I don’t wear a wedding band. I am not married. I am still that single mother of two adorable girls, with the ponytail and no makeup. Except now I know I am not alone. Someone does love me, unconditionally. And I don’t have to look my best, because to Him I am beautiful, always.
By: Jessica Duffy
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Jami Kastner says
You are DEEPLY and COMPLETELY loved! May His love be even more real to you today.
Amber M. says
Dear Jessica,
Thank you so much for this post. I can relate to it in so many ways, but especially the part where you said:
“I had tried to control my life for so long, I was overcome with a feeling of peace once I realized that God was in control of my future; He had a plan for me. I didn’t have to know what it was, I just had to trust in Him. Now, this was hard for me. It’s one thing to read about it, to write it, to say it. But to truly put my life and trust there, and believe it… didn’t come easy. Sometimes it still doesn’t. But I am learning, I am trying. I am finding my way.”
That seems to be where I am stuck too. For whatever reason (fear, I’m sure), I just can’t completely let go of the reins and give my life up to the Lord. I feel like I’m lacking and only halfway there and just can’t get over that hump. It’s made me question my salvation even.
Thank you for sharing your hope filled story.
Gloria says
Amber,
Sorry to intrude on your post but I have to say that I also am in the same place or at least I was a couple of weeks ago. I wrestled with God for a while. I don’t easily trust and am very much a control person by nature (all organized and rational you know) but I finally got to the place that I wanted what God had to offer for me (my purpose and destiny) more than I wanted to control things. I told God I was afraid (which he already knew) and he still loved me. I finally just surrendered and literally lay down on the floor in surrender to his will and way. What peace I have found. I still have my days but God is helping me understand what she wrote in her post that he has a plan and he is in control. Keep pressing forward. Do not give up. Don’t let the enemy cheat you out of what is rightfully yours.
Stephanie says
Thank you so much for sharing this. I have been struggling for a few years now and have been going through the same thing. I have felt the same way about going to church and I am still looking for the right one. I am amazed at how you described exactly how I am feeling. I truly needed to hear this and I love how the Lord works through others to help us.
Gratefully yours,
Stephanie
Jan says
You have made so many good points in this post. It is good to understand what someone feels like who has never attended church. I hope you don’t mind but I sent that paragraph to my minister. We often forget what a “newbie” feels like and that’s why the best evangelism is to bring a friend. That’s how I came back to church – a friend’s prayer along with her friends’ prayers. Amazing when I think about it.
Although I have been happily married for almost 40 years, 10 years ago I felt exactly how you did – empty and searching. Finding Jesus was the best – and still is.
Thanks for the wonderful morning post.
Cellina says
Hi Jessica,
i am so happy that you have God jn your life! I pray He will continue to be the Star in your family! Thank you for sharing..
Isaiah 46:4
4 Even to your old age and gray hairs
I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
I will sustain you and I will rescue you.
Cellina
Donna says
I almost starting replying after the first paragraph! I wanted to say, “No! Be proud of who you are, for what you are, where you are!”. But I continued to read and found that you did! I’m so happy to hear that. : )
Life is a journey. This has always been my philosophy of life: “It’s not not about the destination, it’s about enjoying the journey to get there”. Whenever I can, I try to share that with others. Every moment of your life is a stepping stone to another.
Enjoy!
donna
Jan Udlock says
Hi Jessica,
The words you spoke today will be used for another young women – maybe even an older women – to help her see her beauty in Him. It’s so easy to quote verses that we know but until they sink deep into our souls, they’re black and white characters on a page. Your story will help many young mamas through their day today. Thank you for being brave to share your heart. 🙂
In Him,
Jan
Jennifer Camp says
Dear Jessica,
Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful heart. I always need His reminder, that I am His, that I am wanted, desired, adored. And it is true! We are loved! 🙂
Cara @ WhimsySmitten says
Oh sister, I feel ya! I am no longer a single parent, but I’ve been there, done that and even though I’ve been in church for 15 years, I still feel overwhelmed by all that I don’t know by not having been raised in Sunday School or in a Christian home. I’m taking it every day, learning what I can, and so grateful for the grace of a good God that cares about our hearts so much more than our hairstyles! 🙂
Thanks for your honesty, here. You blessed me, today.
Brittany says
This was so encouraging to me. I am having a struggle with trusting God at the moment and being unhappy with where I am – even though I know it’s his will for me to be here. God bless.
Jayne Neff says
I love this…I felt like I was reading my own story. Beautifully written Jessica!!
Annette says
I too am like you and Amber. I am a new christian and have found a church where I feel comfortable. But I still struggle with letting go and letting God take over. I try but sometimes feel I don’t try hard enough. Thank you for sharing.