It was sixth grade when I changed my name and tried to be someone else.
Swapping out the country Tammy for my more “sophisticated” middle Diane and adopted a last name which was never legally mine. Made myself a chameleon and morphed into someone other than my past.
I clothed my life in a new me and tried to wear it by signing off to change with a name.
But ink has a way of fading over time.
And somehow I sought change by amputating a whole childhood I wasn’t to speak about and pretend my life really started somewhere around 10 years old. A rare friend or two would be made between our many family moves and I’d speak of the past like some secret code and only my sister knew the clues.
I was the great pretender. A charade. A mask wearer.
An amputee.
It wasn’t until I gave my past a voice and restored the limb that I could function without overcompensating the lost part. Because that’s what we do when we ignore it.
Overcompensate.
Try to make the “healthy” parts function without the lesser part in hopes it’ll atrophy and die. Try to build strength in those remaining so we can carry on without such-an-such part. Hope beyond hope others don’t see our limp, our handicap, our disease hidden behind pretending. That’s how we know we’re an amputee.
But when life crumbles, as mine did, the crutches are knocked out. It was when all else failed did I truly gain. When I could no longer hold it all together, compensating every which way but up is when I found Beauty waiting in ashes. There is One who’s a Restorer of limbs, Healer of hearts and souls and He doctored mine.
It’s the way which He pulls us from the soot of life and makes it beautiful in ways only He can. When Truth comes to set us free, from the lineage of a prostitute, a murderer, a destitute foreigner and He records them, history and all. No apologies. And He not only makes our stories whole but He makes them good.
By Tammy, if meadows speak
Leave a Comment
Katie @ Imperfect People says
This is fabulous! I love the way you descirbe being the “great pretender”
Tammy@If Meadows Speak says
Katie, this title always draws me in: “Impferfect People”. Because that’s just how we are but also how He writes our stories into something so much more than our past. 🙂
Andrea@Flourishing Mother says
we are all great pretenders in many ways. thank you for sharing.
Tammy@If Meadows Speak says
Why do we always feel safer pretending? Ever since being more open, there’s an honesty which sets us free but also allows us to feel more. And maybe that’s it. Feelings hold us back.
amy marie says
thank you for this!! i can so relate. i went through a name change in the eighth grade, being adopted into an earthly family who would later neglect me just as my first one did. at 32 years and trying to bring up my own family, i am now Loved by He who is Love and full of more then just a new name and fake limbs, but His mercy and grace. The Great Physician still putting me back together, as long as i continue to let him. thank you! thank you! and THANK YOU for sharing your heart, from the bottom of mine. much love in Christ ~ amy marie
Tammy@If Meadows Speak says
How great is the love of our Heavenly Father! And Amy, sweet sister in Christ, you’ve been forever adopted into His family and His blood is much stronger (and binding) than any earthly DNA. I’m glad you’re in my family. 🙂
Amy says
I did this, too, Tammy! And now, finally, God is helping me to live wholly-me…who He created me to be! And to live *me* out loud – freely out loud! He’s such a tender, loving, Father! Praise Him for using those times to add richness to our days today.
Rich blessings…
Tammy@If Meadows Speak says
wholly:
1.entirely; totally; altogether; quite.
2. to the whole amount, extent, etc.
3. so as to comprise or involve all.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/wholly
It’s an adverb, meaning action. Amy, what you said is powerful. To fully live, entirely, totally, altogether, whole amount, to comprise or involve all of us and who we are, I say “amen”! May He liberate us to do it.
Kirsten says
So beautifully put. The overcompensation while hoping for atrophy–that perfectly describes it. So thankful He makes all of it whole and good!
Tammy@If Meadows Speak says
Aw, yes the atrophing. 🙂 And I’m thankful with you, how He resurrects all our parts whole, good, and even better than before.
kris says
What a beautifully written post. Thank you for this, for this reminder of how Christ makes it all good. Bless you!
Tammy@If Meadows Speak says
Kris, I visited you site and your title “Always Alleluia”? Can I just say, that made my heart soar when I read it. Always alleluia resonates deep inside and I’ll be back to read more of your words. 🙂
Kathleen Flanagan says
Oh how I recognize the wearing of masks. In my youth I painted one on, hoping it would permanently hide the depths of my fear & sorrow over the untimely loss of my father. Orphaned at 16, I thought for sure that life would surely swallow me whole without my paternal protector, so I ran this way & that, faking a worldliness I didn’t really feel.
Great authenticity. I hope it encourages many to lay down the pretend and pick up the intend.
Hugs,
Kathleen
Tammy@If Meadows Speak says
Kathleen! Thank you for sharing and you have such a play on words, “lay down the pretend an pick up the intend”. Your Godly wisdom is a true treasure. (((hugs back)))
Tammy@If Meadows Speak says
ps. Kathleen, I was so pleasantly surprised and appreciative you took the time to stop in here and give me and everyone else a piece of your heart. ((big, wide smile!))
Betty Draper says
Tammy, it takes such courage to look the past in the face and say, “you will not control me anymore.” The word courage is contained in both words, discourage and encouraged and you have allowed God to use your amputated past to encouraged others. My hurtful childhood just gave me a tough heart until at 35 I allowed the Lord to flood my heart with His endless love, He made me whole. Your post makes me want to sit down face to face with you and hear the whole story.
Tammy@If Meadows Speak says
Oh my! Do I know about tough hearts. And ever since letting it go, well things get a little emotional and I’m still not used to it. But I know His tender heart needs me to be tender too. And, Betty, you just encouraged me (with your words) and so many others. Thank you.
Katie says
I get wanting to change who you are and wearing masks… but giving that part of you a voice takes so much courage. I have recently given voice to my past and it really has helped me draw closer to God and know myself. Not hiding myself is the best gift that has brought healing to a broken heart. I love how God uses each of our stories for his glory. Everyone has a story to share and let God be glorified in them. Thank you for your honesty and heartfelt words.
Tammy@If Meadows Speak says
Katie, yes, yes: “I have recently given voice to my past and it really has helped me draw closer to God and know myself.” Me too. Knowing Him and being honest with myself allows healing. And yes, we ALL have stories. My original title to this post was “of why I need your story…” Because I need yours too. :0
Misty says
Thank you, I really needed to be reminded of this…
Anonymous says
I have struggled with a low self esteem and a sense of worth that is derived from acceptance by others. In Christ I have found love, but deep inside I still feel I need to ‘win’ His love. I’ve never admitted this to myself, but your ost about giving voice to your past touched something deep inside. As a single woman, I slept with men and I realise now I was looking for love and acceptance. In the wrong places. I’m married now and have a young daughter, 11 months old. I’m anxious she shouldn’t grow up with the same deficiencies. How can I help her grow up strong and confident and not make the same mistakes I did? How can I ‘face up to my past’ and prayerfully become the woman He wants me to be?
Tammy@If Meadows Speak says
Oh Anonymous…you have an unshakeable value in Him and Hallelujah you aren’t deficient but fearfully and wonderfully made! I chased this world, the temporary things which briefly satisfy and found my value out there so flimsy and fragile. It’s when my own choices brought my world down around me, crumbling mess I that I am, did I begin my pursuit of my sure Cornerstone. When I allowed Him to be Lover of my Soul, pursued Him in the desperate way I needed Him, did I begin building again. It’s all I know how, to pursue Him…Lover always of my soul and it’s the chase and His woeing, Truth washing over, and me believing His word. In Him is security and we don’t have to have all the answers, just Hope. I prayed for you and your daughter. 🙂 {{hugs}}
Anonymous says
Thank you, Tammy. This means a lot to me.