Over the past few months, my husband and I have been looking for a new church home. At one church we visited, we ran into a couple we hadn’t seen in years. One of them made the most honest, striking comment.
She said, “Now that I see you, I miss you so much!”
After we visited for a while and then went our separate ways, I couldn’t stop thinking about that statement. I suppose it could have been a little insulting, to hear that she hadn’t been dwelling on our absence from her life all this time. But, really, am I any different?
I have more friends who live far away from me than I do friends who live nearby. If I let myself focus on how much I miss each of them and our relationships, I’d be crushed with sadness.
That’s why I’m so thankful for relationships that are strong enough to endure time and distance. And I’m even more thankful for the every-once-in-a-while visits with those heart friends.
A few weeks ago, I wrote about the BFF (best friends forever), wondering if it’s a myth or a real possibility. Specifically, I questioned the practicality of calling long-distance, living-separate-lives friends true, best or forever.
“Sure, we can all be Facebook friends. But long-term, spend-quality-time-together, share-dreams-and-secrets friends? I don’t think you can maintain that kind of relationship with dozens of people you only see sporadically, if at all.”
As I continued writing out my thoughts in that post, though, I essentially talked myself out of that sad outlook. And last week, as I reconnected with two different friends, I confirmed that flip-flop.
My friend Jacqueline and I haven’t lived in the same city for six or seven years. Before that, we only knew each other for about a year. Yet, our personalities mesh in an uncommon way, and though our e-mails and visits are few and far between, every time we’re together I’m reminded of how much I love her. Last week she happened to be in town and we met, with our daughters, for breakfast.
We had less than two hours to catch up (and eat our pancakes), which was certainly not enough. But it was enough to remember how much fun my friend is and to start planning a road trip to visit her this fall.
Later in the week, my family traveled a few hours to visit friends for the weekend. We shared meals and stupid jokes. Our kids played together, and the husbands did their best to cause trouble together. And my friend Sally and I stayed up way too late, talking about everything that crossed our minds.
Some friends are forever friends. Some friends are welcoming at any time of the night, comfortable in any season, truly our heart’s home. And I’m so glad to have realized how wrong I was to even consider that friends you don’t see every day aren’t real friends.
Whether it’s a quick breakfast, a long phone call, a grown-up slumber party or a milestone birthday dinner, I’m going to take every chance to connect with those forever friends – no matter how long it’s been. Because once I see them, I realize how much I miss them!
What do you think? Can long-distance or every-once-in-a-while friends be true, forever friends? Who do you miss whenever you see them?
By Mary, Giving Up on Perfect
I think so. Honestly, those are the only kind I have right now and a few of them are closer to me than the real-life friends I had as a teen. (The ones I thought were really my friends but turned out to be merely acquaintances.)
When we went back to visit people (we’ve moved out of state), the one friend we met up with was one we were real life friends with and I keep in touch in with her online, but it was so nice to see her and yeah, if I sat at home going “I miss C.” it would make things that much harder for me.
Oh, there are absolutely friends that are BFF’s, that you can pick up where you left off the last time you saw them, with little communication between visits. And Thank GOD for that. We have moved out of state a few times (first cross country and now international) and I am so thankful for the lifelong friends that I have back “at home”. Can’t imagine life without them, so I am thankful that there are BFFs. I will be interested to see if the friends I have made in the Netherlands (I will be moving in a few months) will remain lifelong friends. I have a hunch one of them might, but that just goes to show that when you do meet that BFF/lifelong friend to treasure them, and that they are hard to find.
I definitely have experienced this distant, yet close dynamic of true friendship. I have three friends (actually more if I think about it), who have been so instrumental in my life and I am so appreciative for their friendship toward me. Though our lives *whirl and twirl* and we don’t think of each other as much as we might if we lived closer, our hearts remain connected for such purpose and there is no disconnect. If anything, we’re closer from now having shared some similar experiences (though uniquely different), such as marriage and mothering. I, also, had this love/hate relationship with facebook and really wondered what the purpose is, and how it really doesn’t connect us in a deep way. But it can and I’ve seen it happen by the way we share our heart and respond thoughtfully, and how we share memories of each other and encourage each other. I have to look carefully and read between the lines a lot of the time, and I am really deliberate about who I am facebook friends with, too…but ultimately, being connected that way helps me to *see* those distant true friends and remember their importance in my life.
Rich blessings to you, Mary, as you envelope your {new} job and as Our Father shows you more about how He created you for *this*…
Thank you so much for writing this! God knew what I needed to read this morning because I am struggling with sadness over my best friends leaving our church to go to another to lead worship. They are still in our city but we won’t see each other every Sunday like we have been doing for the past few years. Its been 3 Sundays now and I am still just as sad as the first Sunday without them. Its just hard.
I definitely think so. My best 7 college friends and I have experienced this type of relationship. We all (other than 2 of us) live in different cities across Texas. Most have children and over the years life is becoming busier and busier. Every year since college graduation we have dedicated one weekend out of each summer to gather in one hometown for a girls getaway. We laugh, eat junk food and just have the best time. It is amazing that while I don’t talk to many of them too frequently during the year the second we get together it is as if we have never left college. The bond we have runs strong and it is amazing that we can keep this feeling of closeness while not physically seeing each other throughout the year.
I definitely think long-distance friends can be true, forever friends. My mom and her best friend are a perfect example – separated by miles and hours for 25 years, they’ve never drifted apart. Phone calls and trips once or twice a year always managed to keep their friendship alive. And seeing as my best friend of the last year and a half is moving sixteen hours away in a few months, I pray the same can be true of us, too.
i think God brings people into our lives at just the right moment, for just exactly what we need at the time. friends for years or brand new friends…He brings us to them when we need them, when they need us. the world may try to define friendship-true, best, forever-but it can’t be defined. it can’t be explained. it can’t be measured. but it can be felt. in the heart. where it matters. where it counts.
Love this thinking!!!!
Growing up as a military brat, long distance friends were a constant since we moved every two years or so. We are still really good friends (they’re like family) with the family we lived next door to when I was born. When we came back to that area they were still there and ended up living within an hour of them in a different state a few years later down the line.
As my husband and I are both currently in the military, our friends have moved as we have but we still are able to connect when we do see each other. They are the friends that you can pick up again right where you left off the last time you saw them.
I have that friend! The one who lives halfway across the US and yet, we are closer now than we have ever been! We are leaning on each other, sharing tweets that speak to us both, sharing devotions we receive each day, sharing texts, phone calls. I do know this is a forever friendship and I cannot wait to plan that plane ride to NC! Thank you Annette for being a forever friend!
Love, Dawn
So blessed to have this friendship. Amazing how far apart yet how close we have become. You likewise are my forever friend.
Thank you…
Annette E.
I have many, many friends (e-mail buddies) to be exact. I can write them just about anything and the amazing part is we’ve never met. The thing we have in common is Emmaus Walk, a Christian retreat weekend based on Walk to Emmaus in Luke.
We pray for each other, talk about family, etc.
It keeps me in touch with the world around me.
I have two precious, amazing friends living in AZ, while I reside in ID. I count on them and they me. Though we are not a part of every-day life, we work very hard to keep each other relevant. It is definitely work, but very worth it. I love them and have so much history with them that the effort is well worth it.
Here in ID, I have far more acquaintances or seasonal friendships. I am often searching for that person or people I can really connect with. I have a thriving ministry with young married women and I dearly love them, but it’s not the same thing. I do have some three friendships that are (I believe) sent directly from His hand and I am once again hopeful that we will begin to develop a friendship that we can both rely on.
I definitely agree. MY BFF is from high school. We can talk daily and never run out of things to say, but, what truly makes her my BFF is that we can go 6-9 months without talking and pick up right where we left off. Catch up on the last year and then move forward without either party feeling neglected or hurt. THAT is a BFF.
Absolutely! My very best friend lives six hours away. We’ve lived apart more than we’ve lived close to each other. We don’t talk often. I’m not a phone talker, and she doesn’t like texting or Facebook or blogs. So right there, you see how different we are. But we click. And whenever we’re together, it’s as if we were never apart. Love that girl.
And what a blessing they are in our lives. Having moved many times, God has brought those life long “kindred spirits” into my life through the years. And as they are sisters in Jesus Christ, we look forward to a wonderful reunion in heaven some day. They really are ‘forever’ – eternal friends 🙂
Absolutely! I’m so blessed to have few…only a few…such friends. In fact, with my very best friend, we have agreed that if we lived where we saw each other daily or weekly…we might not be such good friends. But both of us were praying for a forever friend when we met and it was love at first sight!
Absolutely Positively! I made many of these friends in high school when my parents were going to Bible College at BBC in Missouri. These friends went through some of the same financial difficulties my parents did. Yet God provided for all of us by sending an anonymous check in the mail for the exact amount needed, or groceries on the doorstep and soo much more! These friends become bonded to our hearts 4-ever!!! Thank you Jesus for the beautiful friends that you allow to touch our hearts!!!
I love how with close friends, you can not see each other for months or years, but in a space of a few moments all that distance falls away and you pick up right where you left off!
A lot of my friendships are long distance, now that we’ve moved back to Texas. And while we were in Iowa, all of my college friendships were long distances. I think it’s completely possible to have forever friends. People who you will always be friends with, even if you don’t see each other often. It won’t happen with everyone, but those that it does are very special.
I’d like to share my friend story with you. Last weekend 6 of us, friends from High School spent the weekend at my house. We had a great friendship group those last two years f school, there were about 10 of us who hung out together. After school we literally scattered all over the world but all of us kept in touch with one or two people from the group. We left school 42 years agao – this is the 60th year for most of us! Two of the people who game for the weekend I haven’t seen for 20 years, the others I hvae seen a couple of times over those years – 20 years ago we managed to have most of us in the same place at the same time and got together with our kids. What a fun weekend we had – singing happy birthday to each other, eating far too much food, having long arguments about homebirt (a couple are midwives) and education (a couple are teachers)catching up with 20 years of life. On the Saturday night we got in our pyjamas and had a pyjama party just like we used to and had a sleepover!!!! We had so much fun. Our friendship and care for each other surprised us by its strength.It was through this group of women that I became a Christian 42 years ago s they have always remained special to me. What a fun weekend we had – friends in Christ can stay friends for life!
Oh I love this post and your other one linked in! I do believe there are some that you can have forever. ANd Yes not dwelling on the missing them is HUGE for me. I sometimes get depressed easily. A few friendships I”ve lost over the years and I grieve them immensly at times yet I know God used that friendship for that time and place and it was to be no more. I also have some I see only once in a few years and rarley talk to yet we pickup right where we left off, those are precious! Yet a few I’ve only met once (online and texting freinds) are so valuable. But my deep local have playdates every week, text and connect on faith daily friends are sooooo important. I need that physical nearness. I didn’t have that for a long time and it is so important to my emotional and spiritual health. I think all have their place but I do know that I NEED one good local friend to be a healthy me. I love what Colleen said, no friendship can be defined or measured or explained, they ALL ARE GIFTS FROM GOD!!!!
LOVED your post! I definately have a few “forever friends” and they are the best.
No guilt about not calling enough or emailing enough or facebook “liking” enough.
Just the same love and fun each and every (seldom) time.
Absolutely. Friends like that…the kind that just know your soul….they are the best kind. And I’ve found that no distance (of time nor actual miles) can change the best friendships. Most of my closest friends don’t live in my town. I do have some fabulous friends that I get to do life with in the day-to-day…and I love them dearly. But I also love those who I only get to see once or twice a year or only talk to on the phone. I even have a friend that I only write and receive letters from and although our lives have taken very different paths….I still feel like we’re as close as we were when we met in 11th grade. I thank God for all the AMAZING women He has placed in my life…even if it was only for a season.
My bestest bestie. My Charity. We have known each other since freshman year of high school and got close between sophomore and junior year. We had our 15 year reunion a few weeks ago (neither of us attended). She left our town within a year or two of graduation. She has lived two hours north of me, 4 states away, across the country, and right now the other side of the world. We can go months without talking and have even gone a year or so without chatting much. But she is one of those few people who “knows where the bodies are buried” figuratively speaking and not only accepts me as I am but loves it dearly! She seriously considered paying $1500 for a plane ticket to come back to Wisconsin for my Dad’s funeral in April. Her husband was deployed so it was simply not feasible, but I know she would have. She is the first and longest of these friends. I have been DEEPLY AND INCREDIBLY BLESSED to have a few of these kinds of friends. *BUT* I am a single 33 year old woman who runs and goes and has spent years building these relationships in lieu of building a marriage. I wouldn’t trade them for the world, but I don’t want anyone to wonder for a second how I can have and maintain these friendships on any level.
Friends of ours once spoke about having primary, secondary and tertiary friends! Seemed a funny concept, however, primary friends are those you see regularly and go out of your way to see. Secondary friends are those who you don’t see all that often but when you do the connection is there… And tertiary friends are those who you would say hi to etc but not necessarily catch up with. I found it interesting to hear of such a view but I guess it’s true. They made a point to tell us people could shuffle up (and down) the levels! 🙂
So true! I guess we can get used to anything, including not being around some of our friends as often as we’d like. It’s like eating a really great food you haven’t eaten in a long time or going on vacation to a place you really love; you keep thinking to yourself, “How did I live without this for so long and why don’t I do it more often?”
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