It had been a good weekend. Saturday especially. Took the kids to the park. Pulled some weeds in the yard. Enjoyed a girls night out. Ate good food. Watched a chick flick. Sunday was a good day too. Church was good. Kids were happy. Husband was happy. Lunch out. Time at home. Nap.
I sat down to clip coupons and was content that the day that had such potential to be hectic turned out so nicely. Until I lifted up the coupons from my desk. And there, at the bottom of a small pile of papers, was an invitation. To a wedding. Of my friend. For yesterday.
As I held it in my hand, I could feel the blood rush out of my face, that creamy card stock mocking me with its swirly silver writing, yesterday’s date glaring loud. My first instinct was to think of someone else to blame. Anyone but my own lack of organization for failing to transfer the wedding date from the card to my calendar. Surely they should have called the guests to remind us to come? Why didn’t they call the guests to remind us to come?! What kind of wedding was this?!
But it was in vain. All I could think of was that Saturday while I was stuffing my stupid face with chicken florentine pizza, my friend was living the most important day of her life. And I missed it. Because I forgot.
I was embarrassed, regretful, and sad because I knew I should have been there and because I wanted to be there – to meet her husband, to take pictures for fun, to be a good friend. I made a mistake that I couldn’t take back. I felt like a failure, because I did. And as I waited for the color to return to my face, as I drove immediately to buy her a wedding gift and craft a sincere apology, something else began to happen in me.
I wanted to hide. I wanted to give up on relationship. I wanted to throw my hands up in surrender, I give up. I’m only ever going to disappoint people, so I may as well not even have friends. I don’t deserve them anyway.
Just like that couple in the Garden who messed up first, I want to dive behind the nearest bush and never, ever come out. Because failure does more than highlight our guilt. Failure pulls out our shame. And shame chases us into hiding.
A week or so after the wedding I forgot to go to, I saw the bride at church from far away. I knew I needed to speak to her, to give her her gift, to beg her forgiveness, to offer to do her laundry for a year. I have never wanted the superpower of invisibility more than I wanted it in that moment.
But as I began to speak, she began to smile. She was gracious. Loving. Forgiving. Kind. She placed her hand lightly on my arm and laughed. And I was free.
She was in a position to heap more shame on my head. She chose to pour out grace instead. Friends, we have great authority within us. We can free people with our words alone.
I do thankful backflips for the women in my life who can look me in my eyes, ask what’s wrong and know I’m lying when I say nothing. I am humbled into a puddle for the friends who are still friends even though I’ve disappointed, not called back, forgotten to go to their wedding. I want to be okay with my humanness in front of them, to admit when I’m wrong and receive their forgiveness without thinking I have to earn it. Let me be touchable and approachable, not stand-off-ish and safe. Let me risk failing again because you are worth it.
Your friends in real life have the power to heal, to forgive, to give life. And you have that power too. Use it.
Leave a CommentTo read more about the beauty of being found from our hiding places, read Emily’s book, Grace for the Good Girl, and her blog, Chatting at the Sky.
Betty Draper says
Let me risk failing again because you are worth it. Beautiful quote Emily….yes He is worth the risk of failing.
Amy Hunt -- a {Grace} full *life* says
“Failure pulls out our shame. And shame chases us into hiding.” –oh, Emily…how I know this so deeply. Especially in the most recent days I’ve actually Seen this, and just the calling out of it–the naming of the fears–it leads me closer to freedom. I don’t want to live this way, either. I want to live boldly me, all imperfect ways that I am. I want to accept other people and not dismiss them because I know there’s no way people can completely and perfectly forgive. I want to trust that God will work in their hearts and use even my imperfections for purpose. There’s such risk here, and I think this is so much of what dying to self is all about–being willing to be imperfect, accepting how we are today, and trusting that these people around us will accept us and when they don’t it’s still for purpose.
One year ago you did a series on what you were tidying up with the book, and one year later I’m reminded that I still need those lessons…and I always will, because I’ll always need Our Savior. I am looking forward to what He has to tell me through a concentrated reading of this Grace that heals and frees…
Beverly @ The Buzz says
Excellent post! Including it in my Saturday Shoutouts this week. Thanks.
Rebecca says
This is just what I needed to read this morning. His mercies are new every morning…Great is His faithfulness. I am so grateful for the way God channels His grace to me through the people in my life. I want to that kind of friend.
Beth W says
Superb post! I especially like the phrase: “Failure pulls out our shame. And shame chases us into hiding.”
For me failure or the thought of failure chases me into hiding and an ugly mood. That is why friendships are sooo important to me–even online & church friends. I depend on them to pray for me and pull me out of the “failure…Stupid…Not good enough” trap that Satan whispers to me!
Imperfect says
I would do well not only to remember there is grace for me, but I can pour grace over others. I’m not always a gracious person, so I need this reminder daily!
Carol J. Alexander says
I needed to read this today. Thank you.
Jadyn says
“Let me be touchable and approachable, not stand-off-ish and safe.” I love this. I cried at work yesterday. After an exhausting few weeks a small comment sent me over the edge. I was embarrassed yet I was so glad for the gracious responses of my concerned co-workers and it did remind me as well that if we show our humanness and can honestly express some emotions without blaming someone, just being vulnerable when it happens, it can feel oh so vulnerable but it is also where life happens. I am thankful for grace as well and I hope I’ll always extend the same to others. Thanks for this reminder of the power we have.
erin says
AMEN.
Anna says
oh gosh Emily, this past two weeks….. I keep reminding, and keep having to be reminded! I have a post that needs editing today Because all this talk about grace is soooo worth it!
I love the talk of superpowers. I can just see the comic words “POW” “WHAM” “ZAP”….. you have a good friend indeed.
Missy June says
I love this reminder to be the friend who accepts and allows faults in our friends and family. Thank you for sharing!
Beth Werner Lee says
Hope, you dispense hope here! Thank you. I’ve had the sunny side knocked out of me by tongue lashing on my failures. Just last night I responded with a calm and quiet, “Thank you for that insight,” and moved on. I was not raised that way, so I ponder the effect as an adult, but I am learning the value of the superpower response. Thank you for this post, and for acknowledging the power of forgiveness! Praising God for you!
Kaitlin Evans says
OH MY GOSH! I could SOOOO see this happening to me!
Thank GOD for good girl friends. What you have written is also very freeing.
Perhaps our relationships are more than the checklists we create.
(Be there for this, gift them with this, invite them to this, share in this)
It’s very nice to know that even when I am the “worst” friend, God is always the best!
Jamie @ Six Bricks High says
Oh how I pray that I can be that kind of friend. The one who uses words to free, to pour out grace. I’ve been encouraged by your words today, Emily.
And that book of yours — it is doing a big work in my heart!!!
Wanda says
Oh Emily,
You have written words that each of us have lived. Thank goodness (and Jesus) for the superpower of forgiveness from Him and those we love and hurt. Redemption from our mistakes is sweet comfort.
I’m reminded to show mercy…
Kayse says
Emily, I had only read your incourage posts before this week (not yet your blog or book), but I ran across the first chapter of GFTGG and had to buy it immediately (like a no-time-to-wait-for-shipping-i-need-to-order-this-for-my-kindle-right-now kind of immediately)! I haven’t been able to put it down since, and it is stretching me in ways that have needed stretching for a long time. Your words are straight from the heart of God, and I wanted to thank you for writing, for being transparent, for speaking truth. I was giddy-excited when I saw the incourage post today was YOURS. 🙂 I didn’t think I was a good girl, but I so relate to the need to hide. Thanks for your post, your book, your words. Please know that the Lord is using you. Blessings to you!!!
Anonymous says
The Lord led me to read this just now. I’m dealing with this very issue right now. I unintentionally hurt a dear friend. Just now as I sent her an apology note, I said that, if she couldn’t forgive me, could she at least extend me a bit of grace. I try to extend grace to many people in my life and try to remember how imperfect we all are. I’m praying the same can be done for me.
Leslie Knight says
This resonates with me. There was a wedding I couldn’t go to. At first, I said I would be there. But then life began to unravel and there were too many things to do at home. And I hadn’t made it a financial priority to go (it was four hours away). And so I had to explain I wouldn’t make it.
The shame I felt from that friend and from another friend was great. It made me give up on relationships. It made me feel like the tiniest human on earth. And it made me fear ever talking to them again. In fact, I haven’t talked to either of them since. It took a lot of deep breaths to comment on one of their facebook statuses.
So thank you for sharing this. For reminding me that grace is always ours to give. For showing me how forgiveness can come and how to give it out. For reminding me, also, that we all fall short but are still loved.
*Kimm*@Life with Littles says
Thank you Emily.
What a blessing to have friends who can show us grace but even more wonderful to have a God that we can freely come to in our ugliest moments and He is always gracious. We never have to wonder if we are forgiven, we never have to wonder if He’s just being polite or avoiding confrontation. Because of Christ we have the ultimate friendship with one who would otherwise be unapproachable. What a grace gift!
MomSquire says
Thanks for the authenticity with which you write, it is refreshing!
Christena says
Beautiful, Emily. Thank you for the reminder. This is what I want, also.
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emily/eschi says
that’s so right. that is SO right.
Amy says
So true. I’ve been on both sides of this and both extending and receiving grace to our friends makes those relationships so much deeper and more loving than they could otherwise be.
Jennifer says
Beautifully true.
Lynda says
I have the two best friends in the whole wide universe. Really. And our friendship has deepened over the years because, at least to one another, we have remained approachable and forgiving. Thanks for sharing your experience.
Rochelle says
You continue to amaze me with your superb writing talent Emily! Your words always pull me right in and grab my attention, and get right to my emotions. I love it! Thank you for sharing. This post meant a lot to me!!
diony says
Emily, this is the first time I came across your blog. Thanks for starting my day reminded how much God loves me, and that its ok to need grace. Satan is good at pointing out our faults, and making us feel hopeless. God never does unless he’s gently reminding us to be more like his Son. Have a beautiful day, congratulations on the release of your book. I know personally what a HUGE accomplishment that is! God bless.
Dizi says
After 69 of soap opera life, failure and pain, I no longer even try and deal with people who drain my energy so I’m in hiding – in Him. This, too, is a good place to be. It’s taken me a lifetime to realize, I’m not responsible for everyone else’s happiness and success. Only mine. I’m happy to be free from burdensome relationships. My husband is eighty years old with failing memory and he takes all my resources and reserves. A skipped wedding is a relief to me. Where is it written that we’ve failed if we don’t make it?
Becky K. says
I loved this, Emily. These things have happened to me, too. Thanks for reminding me we’re not alone, and that hiding is not the best reaction. I shared this on FB with all of my forgiving friends.
Barbie says
I am so thankful when others extend the love and grace of God towards me when I mess up.
Really looking forward to reading your book. I won a copy on 29Lincoln Avenue! Woo Hoo!
lilreba says
A friend forwarded this to me after I called her in tears about how a friend had hurt me so deeply…a friend who I would never had expected to choose to beat me down two weeks before one of the most imp days of my life…my wedding. As I read this…it really spoke to me and encouraged me…you know sometimes we as christians must choose to forgive even if the other person as admitted no wrong-doing….we must own up to our part whether intentional or not that affected that person’s feelings. I am trying my best to let go of the hurt and anger towards this person and just pray for God to heal our relationship…the truth is…I want him to heal it by opening her eyes to what she’s done, but I know I need allow God to work in BOTH of us to show us our wrongs and open our hearts to ask and to offer forgiveness. I am so grateful for the friends in my life that have brought me (be it through hurt or happiness) closer to God.
Olivia K says
Someone just shared your blog with me. It was timely in a way that only God could orchestrate. Thank you.