I am a talker.
I am a writer.
I am a people lover.
I am a broken girl in love with her King. I love my children. I love adoption. I love reading. I love africa. I love my friends. I love to laugh. I love Thai food. I love a great cup of coffee. I love the beach. I love my family. I love campfires. I love mowing the lawn. (weird eh?) I love watching worthless tv. I love catching fireflies. I love u2. I love talking about how I got to where I am today.
But there is a part of my life I don’t like to talk about. In fact I am afraid to talk about it. I am even more afraid to write it down.
Yet the other day a sweet girl asked me to tell my story. She reminded me so gently that part of my story helps her. That by being vulnerable I am telling all of my story and hence His story.
I am not sure when the depression started. If I had to guess it would be around the age of fourteen. I had been sexually assaulted and we had lost in the court system.
I remember thinking that I wanted to be valued. I wanted to be loved. I wanted someone to pay for my pain. So I began to look anywhere I could for someone to pay attention to me.
And as I searched I became lonelier. I would look in the mirror and cry. How could I be so ugly. How could I be so fat. How I could I not do anything right. How could I not be smarter. How could I not be loved.
As these thoughts suffocated me I began to drown in self destructive thoughts and actions. Seeking out those around me that could give me what I needed. And as I sought I began sinking deeper and deeper.
Years, decades have passed. And I still struggle. Struggle with the self perceptions.
Struggle with the baggage I have brought. To my children. To my marriage. Struggle with the darkness that tries to invade me. Struggle with the fear of going back.
Daily though I need to remind myself of these truths.
– I am perfectly and wonderfully made.
-I am a princess of the King
– I am forgiven
-I am a new creation. The old is gone, the new has come.
So if you are fearful. If you are struggling. If you feel as if you are drowning. Know this.
-You are perfectly and wonderfully made,
-You are a princess of the King
-You are forgiven
–you are a new creation. The old is gone. The new has come.
And you are not alone.
By: sheli massieLeave a Comment