I can completely identify with this moment. I have lived it, and I have the scars to prove it.
A long time ago there was someone who thought he was going to have to live through “one sharp act of separation”. That man was named Abraham and he had a son, late in life, named Isaac. Abraham loved his son so intensely that his son actually became an idol to him. Finally, God told Abraham to sacrifice his son. God told Abraham to take his son up on a mountain and slay him as an offering to the Most Holy.
There is no doubt in my mind that Abraham would have rather taken his own life than the life of his son. But, he trusted God and was ready to make the sacrifice that God wanted. And, then God spoke and the plan was revised.
Pretty extreme, huh?
And, I wonder,
“Do I do what Abraham did– with my children? Do they slowly creep into the place where I am allowing them to reign on the throne of my heart?” Unintentionally, I can allow myself to be drawn into a place where I am so fascinated by what I can see that I don’t seek that which I cannot see.
My 19 month-old daughter, Molly, died over 16 years ago, and I long to see her again. But, the truth is simple–she cannot be the reason that I want to go to Heaven. She is not good enough for that. She is not pure enough for that.
There was a verse that struck me, as though it were new, about a month ago. I was taken with it, so I wrote it down and hung it on my bathroom mirror.
“We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.
For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body.” 2 Corinthians 4:10-11
While I was staring at the verse one morning, a thought occurred to me:
“I cannot carry around the death of my daughter. I have to carry the death of Jesus. The death of my daughter does not profit anyone. The death of Jesus has the power to save everyone.”
I would never do it to harm anyone, and I would only be motivated out of a love for her– yet, it would grieve the heart of God if I allowed her life, her face, her story to reign in the place reserved for the Almighty. It would distance me from God if I allowed her chair to become a throne.
As the days of my life unfold, I don’t want my story to merely reflect a woman who lost a child and endured, I want to have a faith that is constantly evolving and I want the Creator to be able to use me in the life I am living, not merely in the past I survived.
By Jacquelyn at Adventures in the Ordinary.Leave a Comment
Wow, I’m not in your situation, but that was powerful. And you will be/are being used of God. God bless.
When a Chair Becomes a Throne » Adventures in the Ordinary says
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this is powerful. and i want to pass it on to my brother who lost his son two years ago. thank you for sharing.
Colleen Starr says
Thank you for sharing that Jacquelyn, it is so amazing how GOD uses us through all we endure. I would also love to share this with my mother who struggles with her faith since losing my sister.
I have let other people sit on the throne. It is so easy to do, whether out of love, fear, sadness. Just last night as I lie in bed with tears flooding my cheeks, I remembered the verse that describes God catching all of our tears and keeping them. Our hurts are that precious to Him. I will keep you in my prayers. What you are doing is a hard thing. A good thing, yes, but it is hard. May God bless you with His peace and that love that is beyond knowledge.
What a powerful perspective!!!!!! This really spoke to me this morning!
Thank you for revealing your heart to us through transparency and honesty – you demonstrate bravery that points to our Savior. Thank you this was indeed a powerful post.
Diane Bailey says
Nothing can ever take the place of your daughter, but I am so thankful that the Lord has shown you how to not let anything take the place of Him. Beautiful perspective, beautiful authenticity.
Betty Draper says
Jacquelyn you are one courageous wise hearted woman and God has spoken through you and use the death of your little girl who you will see someday to turn all who come in contact with you to HIM. Very powerful post and thank you for sharing what God is teaching you. Every child of God has to choice who we place on the throne of grace daily, sometimes moment by moment.
Becky M says
As odd as it may seem, thank you for your message today. God bless –
I recently also lost a child and have been devastated. Been taking it day by day. Its been almost 2 months and it just feels like yesterday. I had been grieving so hard that I have had visions of her – not sure if the vision is in heaven or just my figment of imagination of her being there. Tears just flow as I think about her and when you said that you wanted to go to heaven because you wanted to see her – it spoke to me directly. I know its not the right thing to say/do but it just feel “right” Ofcourse the Holy Spirit is the level headed person making sure I do the right thing. This message was so wonderful and it spoke to me. I realized that I had made my little girl the throne – she is my idol – my “issac” so to speak. Thank you for sharing this .
BILLIE MCELROY says
Powerful Jackie! I can’t believe that I raised such a wise woman. I learn from you all the time. I am still learning from you how to live with the loss of Molly. God has blessed you with wonderful insight.
Audrey (Dave's Cousin) says
So heartfully spoken, You are living in victory.
Beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
Rick Mayhew says
This is an amazing testimony. If you like the way she writes, you should hear her speak. I listened to her talk at a small Bible college in Thailand and she took the whole audience through quite an emotional ride.
Dee Wood says
Again you bless me…thank you Jackie for always being so transparent.
Wow. My husband and I facilitate a GriefShare group for those who have lost a loved one (they are all at least a year “out”) . I would really like to be able to read your post. So, good.
Stacey Monaco says
A constantly evolving faith. May it be so for me as well, for each of us!