She sat quiet and still with such deep pain etched on her face, it hurt to look at her. She did not say a word but her lack of speech said plenty. It said that she was having a hard time sleeping again. It said that she was feeling alone and sad and angry. It said that she wanted to crawl into a hole and protect herself from everything around her. It said that every breath that tore through her lungs was just a reminder that a tiny infant she carried for eight and a half months…never breathed.
She was bleeding raw with a wound so deep and jagged it will be impossible for it to ever be smooth. The rough and ragged edges will heal slowly with a constant ache. Forever, the person who she is, who she was, will be marked by that pain.
And she’s not the only one.
One after another, I hear the wounds and see the scars and feel the sickening drip of bloody pain. It’s the story of life on this sinful broken earth and it is horrible and wrenching and angering.
Death. Infertility. Broken trust. Rebellion. Loss. Broken dreams. Lists and lists of bone-deep sorrows.
I wish… no, I long for some way to explain things. Some secret hidden key to unlock the horror of seeping festering wounds.
A Bible verse. A principle of discipleship. Something. Someway to prove that God has a “happy” thing to counter this depth of sadness.
But guess what? There’s not.
We don’t have a God who says, in the middle of horrible pain, “I did this because…” There is no explanation. It’s not because someone was good or bad or deserved it or didn’t deserve it.
It simply is.
And there is no “happy” thing to fix it. For nothing can.
Not another child. Not another dream. Nothing actually replaces what is lost.
Everyone else might forget but the scar-bearer always remembers.
Yet, even in the middle of this raw grating pain, we do have a God. And he does speak, although sometimes we miss it. He doesn’t offer explanations but something entirely different.
He says, “I know.”
I’ve never had to face the death of a child but I have experienced my own tastes of death. I’ve looked at the horrible and not known what to do. I’ve raged and ranted and screamed, asking why or why not, then crumbled into a heap at God’s feet begging for explanation… and I’ve felt His tears and I’ve heard His voice.
The truth is that the most precious thing in the middle of pain is to hear that God knows. Not just that He knows about a situation but that He knows my pain. And while I may be angry that He didn’t protect me or them or whoever… I also have the knowledge that He didn’t protect himself either.
My ideal is to be protected from pain and to help protect others from pain. But God cannot be molded into my ideal. He is who he is.
When Moses asked God who to say sent him, God said, “I AM who I AM.” (Exodus 3:14, NIV)
He hasn’t changed since then.
And for some reason, this God who IS, the one who created us and loves us, is not afraid of pain. He faces it and He lets us face it.
So those moments that should never be… are.
They were for Adam and Eve, for Abraham, for Job, for David, for every generation since and even for God Himself. So, it makes sense that I will face them and my friends will face them.
Still. It hurts.
So we must cling to the truth. The only truth we have. That our God, the one who IS, the one who created us all, who loves us all… knows.
And we can believe, even in the face of life-altering scars that our Scar-Bearer, Jesus himself, will never leave us nor forsake us.
Never.
Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you; But rejoice, inasmuch, as ye are partakers of Christ’s sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy. I Peter 4:12-13 (KJV)
By Natasha, To Live For Him
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Lynne Hartke says
Thank you for this. You have put into words some thoughts I also have on pain and suffering. I copied your blog to read at a ladies’ study. We are currently memorizing James 1:2-8, “Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials….”
Natasha says
I pray that this will be an encouragement to the ladies in your study! Many blessings!
Kristin Smith says
This is such a hard concept for me right now…it seems as of late my husband and I just can’t catch a break. He lost a job (thankfully found another) but now that too is possibly on the rocks and then I lost my job last week. We feel like we try and praise God in ALL things, we are so thankful and grateful when we do see blessings…but we keep asking ourselves “how many times do we have to be beaten down?”
I know God is there….but it feels so lonely right now. And I don’t understand this happening again. I start to look around at all those that don’t have trials, where prosperity and blessings just keep falling in their laps…and they aren’t true believers…and I struggle with envy. It is an awful place to be…
I know this place is not our home….but it is so hard when everything feels so broken to keep my focus on heaven and not what we are going through in the moment.
Thank you for sharing your heart here….
Natasha says
Oh, I hear you! Since I wrote this, some of my “old” trials have shown back up again and I’ve found myself saying, “Okay, God, when is enough, enough?!”
I feel like its a continual lesson. Learning to turn again and again to him- trusting when we can’t see.
There is a verse in Isaiah (42:16) that says, “I will lead the blind by ways they have no known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth….”
I was reading that lately and was struck by the fact that for him to guide us, we have to be blind and for him to bring light, we have to be lost in darkness and there has to be rough places if he’s going to make them smooth.
I will be praying for you and your husband- that you will remain faithful until the end- even in darkness and rough places.
Blessings.
Debbie G says
I am so glad that you have shared this at (in)courage today!!
This one paragraph really, truly spoke to my heart –
“The truth is that the most precious thing in the middle of pain is to hear that God knows. Not just that He knows about a situation but that He knows my pain. And while I may be angry that He didn’t protect me or them or whoever… I also have the knowledge that He didn’t protect himself either.”
I will share it with my hubby this evening. And even though I already know the truth you spoke here, you’ve said it in a way that touched me. Especially, that last sentence. You see our son was shot and killed in Nov of ’07. We have both struggled with this, hubby more than I. So, thank you for your words written here today.
Natasha says
Oh, how my heart hurts for you and your husband! I can’t even comprehend that kind of pain.
May the Lord be near to you both.
Mandy says
Thank you for this. What a sorrowful, wonderful picture you paint: “I’ve looked at the horrible and not known what to do. I’ve raged and ranted and screamed, asking why or why not, then crumbled into a heap at God’s feet begging for explanation… and I’ve felt His tears and I’ve heard His voice.”
Beautiful.
Natasha says
Thank you. We serve an awesome God, do we not?
Tara Finney says
It wasn’t until the loss of my stillborn son in September that I realized how much the invisible scars hurt worse. I feel like you writing to me.
Natasha says
xxooxx
My miscarriage left me empty and lost for over a year. I feel your pain.
May you feel Him near!
Kaitlin @ Perceptions & Passions says
I am very, very blessed not to know the pain and anguish of losing a child.
But I know those who are absolutley deeply scarred by this and simliar atrocities.
The ultimate battle of If GOD, then WHY EVIL/LOSS/GRIEF/PAIN/SUFFERING?
In moments like the ones that you have described words fail me, so I just pray and I hold hands and I bring frozen pizzas. Because often, that is all I have to offer in such seeming darkness.
The new song that goes “We are the light of the world, we are the city on a hill” comes to my mind. When others are in darkness, let us be even a GLIMPSE of the light.
Natasha says
Amen!
Terri C says
Natasha, I want to thank you, your article really spoke to me!
My husband and I are struggling with infertility and we have lost both of our children thru miscarriages. After my second miscarriage last year, I was laying in bed one night and couldn’t sleep, tears pouring from my eyes. The pain was overwelming and I prayed to God for strength and comfort. I heard him say to me “My Child, I KNOW what you are going thru I, also lost my Child. I gave him up because I LOVED You So Much and wanted to save you (and everyone else in the world)!” God Does KNOW our hurts and he is with us holding us in the palm of his hands! Even though I will never be the same person that I was before, I Know that one day in Heaven I will see my precious children! Until then God is holding them and loving them more than I can even imagine!
Wishing you many blessings!
Natasha says
What a beautiful testimony! Thank you for sharing.
Julie Sunne says
“So we must cling to the truth. The only truth we have. That our God, the one who IS, the one who created us all, who loves us all… knows.”
You are so right, Natasha. He knows, that’s enough. Thank you for words that touch my soul!
Natasha says
<3
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Kathy @ In Quiet Places Devotions says
Every place of pain, every scar is a place God comes to with healing in His hands, it starts in the heart that opens up to receive it and take the healing journey with Him, and then He slowly and tenderly moves you from the horrible hurting place to a healing place.
Natasha says
Amen.
Amy says
I so needed to read this today. We’ve struggled with infertility for what seems like sooo long, and it’s been extra hard lately. I just needed that reminder that sometimes the painful things just are. And that God is, too. He is always there.
Natasha says
I understand. Oh, how I understand.
May the Lord be near to you. xxooxx
Margo says
We don’t think of this often, do we, that fact that every single sadness and pain we feel, God felt first. Actually, truly felt it, just as we do. This paragraph spoke the most to me tonight: “The truth is that the most precious thing in the middle of pain is to hear that God knows. Not just that He knows about a situation but that He knows my pain. And while I may be angry that He didn’t protect me or them or whoever… I also have the knowledge that He didn’t protect himself either.” He didn’t protect Himself either. That is something to remember, isn’t it.
Thank you for your words today.