When I asked Jesus into my life at the age of fifteen, I was under the impression that he would do an overhaul of my entire life. Well, he did, just not in the ways I would have thought. I thought, and hoped, that everything would be better, easier, prettier, softer, that I would instantly feel whole for the first time.
The overhaul came alright, but it came in the form of friction between me and each parent; friends that I had been hanging out with didn’t understand and I found myself, again, a girl without a confidante; sadly, my emotions remained the hormonal-induced tidal waves that they were pre-salvation and my laziness remained at the typical teenage levels.
But the worst change that I can see looking back was my goody-two-shoes image being magnified through the lens of feeling as if I had just become the poster girl at my high school for Christianity. For Jesus-loving, basically.
I thought I had been keeping my act together as the good girl all those years, but it was nothing compared to the weight I felt once I began to follow Jesus. Grace was not in my vocabulary. If I were a good girl before Jesus, I had to be best girl after Jesus. And if I weren’t, people would get the wrong idea about the Savior. All because of me. And I couldn’t let that happen. Too many people that I cared about didn’t know Christ yet and were watching my fledgling faith to see if it were a phase I’d simply grow out of eventually or something that could actually change who I was.
Twenty-five years have gone by since I first spoke with Jesus in an intimate way. I have gone on to do more sinning post-Jesus then pre-Jesus. But my yearning for the appearance of perfection became stronger as I got older, especially as my circles of influence widened and shifted as an author, speaker and church staff member. I had to look more like my perceived version of Jesus, and nothing would slip through the cracks of that because then what would people think?
It turns out that one can only live like that for so long before things start leaking and coming out sideways. The past few years for me have been a study and experiment in allowing myself to be myself. In sharing with others humungous ways I’ve messed up and still do. In telling my stories, no matter how pathetic and harsh and how downright unattractive I look in their light.
My latest story is one of divorce. An ending of a Christian marriage. It doesn’t get more ugly than that. And there is no covering up. You can cover up a difficult marriage for a very long time; trust me, I know. But you cannot pretend that you’re not getting divorced. (I didn’t even bother trying.)
By the time the end of my marriage came along, I had been tested and tried through the fires of being authentic, letting people know of my constant sinning, and falling back onto grace. I now believe that it’s okay to not be okay. And that no one’s opinion of me matters except One.
I am a just a girl, perfectly imperfect, trying to love Jesus, and holding on to the one thing that alluded me for so very long. The truth that it doesn’t matter what I do or what I say or what happens to me, grace is there to catch me and remind me that I am loved. Deeply and perfectly and forever. And that is what is changing me.
By: Elisabeth Corcoran
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Marina Bromley says
I appreciate your authenticity, and pray you continue to see God at work in you! Honesty, with yourself, God, others…so important!
Charina @ Pondered Thoughts says
“Perfectly Imperfect?”
God loves you….all of us just the same. God bless you!
All good things.
Stacey says
Thanks so much for being real & sharing your heart with us =]. Life is so hard & I’m sooooo thankful we have Jesus as our Very Best & Closest Friend. He is the only one who can carry us through life trials when we simply just don’t have strength to walk anymore. Praying for you =]
Amy @ themessymiddle says
Yes, yes, yes. Perfectly imperfect. This is what the life of faith is all about. I’m working on a piece where I’m trying to find 20 people to share what God has been saying to them recently. Would you be willing to come on over to The Messy Middle and share? I want to do a follow-up piece and would really appreciate the help. Thanks, Amy
Elisabeth Corcoran says
Hi Amy,
I’d love to. Email me at elisabethkcorcoran@gmail.com.
Thanks,
Elisabeth
Christy says
Elisabeth, I loved this and related nearly down to every word. Thanks!
Nancy says
I attended a church as a teenager where we were told it was not about religion but rather a relationship with Jesus. We were told he loved us no matter what . . . that was all in one hand. My Mom would say the same things, but she and the church acted differently. Because in another hand, it was about doing enough so that I could be enough. My Mom would always use God against me. I felt shameful, like a failure, all the time. At school . . well, I thought everyone was headed to hell because I didn’t pray enough and reach out enough . . . I had to leave high school before I was finished because I nearly had a nervous-breakdown. I couldn’t hold on to such draining beliefs anymore, so naturally, I walked away. I was pregnant a year later, by someone I barely knew, who didn’t stick around.
I’ve recently started to look at God, on my own terms, in a new light. I’ve wrestled with the concept on Christianity. In part wanting it to be true. Wanting the love of a gracious, Almighty, Father, but not knowing that this is really what I believe. I’ve come to learn that I can talk to “God” without knowing EXACTLY who he is, because regardless . . he knows exactly who I am. And he loves me, every little bit, no matter what! And he loves my parents (who hurt me), and the church I used to attend, and my daughter! And my daughter’s absent father.
Thank you for sharing!
Dianne Merrill says
You are our Heavenly Father’s precious jewel and I can hardly wait to meet you in heaven soon. “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you an expected end. …call upon me, pray unto me, I will hearken unto you. And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:11-13 God bless you!
vicky says
This comment really resonates with me because at the moment I’m going through struggles in the not knowing who God is. Like you say I want to believe He is an eternally Loving Father who’s love is unconditional but I also feel torn because I feel so lacking. Verses like ‘love the Lord with all your heart’ ‘search for Him with all your heart’ put Him before everyone else. When I think of these things I just feel like giving up because I don’t know if I’ll ever get to a place where I can say that I’ve surrendered my whole life to God. Do I love God more than my family? I really don’t think I do.
Sometimes I feel like walking away but I can’t do that completely God lives inside me and I can’t hide from Him, so I just pray that what I am capable of giving is enough
Lisa says
Spending years in a struggling marriage must have been so hard for you. I’m sure that Christ carried you through those years and continues to carry you through your new place.
Julie Sunne says
Yes, “perfectly imperfect,” He already knows, why do we try so hard to hide it? Thank God for grace because I am one sinful human. You and I, Elizabeth, are beloved children of the Lord, imperfections and all. What a wonderful truth to hold onto!
Sharon says
Thank you for sharing this. It’s as if you were looking into my life. I’m going through a 2nd unwanted divorce (I almost feel as if I have the Scarlet letter) and I wonder what happened to all my dreams…having Jesus and loving Him this should not be happening. It has made me reach deep inside and turn myself inside out and that it is God’s presence that I must continually seek or this life makes no sense at all.
Kathy @ In Quiet Places says
I am glad to be perfectly imperfect in the Hands of a God who loves me, whose mercy is new every morning – this is grace…
And thankful He is patient with me on this journey of life as He works on me and changes me to be more like Him. That is the perfecting work that works!
Vie says
Your story is similar to mine in many ways, and I am also coming to learn the truths you described in your post – the hard way! I was wondering whether there were any good Christian resources you could recommend about going through separation and divorce? Thanks!
Elisabeth Corcoran says
Vie,
Send me an email at elisabethkcorcoran@gmail.com and I can send you a list.
Elisabeth
In It Together {helpful links for raising teens/tweens} says
[…] Imperfect at (in)Courage. Something to remind our kids of […]
Sandie says
Thanks for sharing Elisabeth! Darn shame it takes us/me sooo long to figure out that we are in this thing with God and He loves us the whole way. So we must tell our stories and tell the truth about how it really is because that is what sets others free!
No one cares how perfect I am, but they do care about how God gives me great grace and carries me through all the hurt right into the happy again. Hope! what a good thing 🙂
God bless you…and keep telling your stories,
Sandie
Allie says
This is so, so good. Thank you for sharing!
Leigh Kay says
“It turns out that one can only live like that for so long before things start leaking and coming out sideways.” – Perfect imagery.
And how you boldly reminded: ” And that no one’s opinion of me matters except One.” In my moments of greater clarity, I try to refresh that truth in me emphatically.
Thank you for sharing. Thank you for your post. I was musing over fear and dreams on my blog in the wee hours of this morning, and I love how my Father gives me nudges and sweet words of more members of this great Body to remind me that He has a plethora of things to show me and refine in me. Words like yours – that come from the ever-present Spirit – are part of that gift. So keep at it. Keep the focus on the vertical and forget the horizontal. 🙂
best things i’ve read: week of 2.27.12 « inspiration-driven life says
[…] Monday: Perfectly Imperfect, by Elizabeth Corcoran for (in)Courage. We are broken, yes — and that’s just where we need to be. […]