I think it started right before Christmas when a group of girls and I went to see a sappy chick flick. I’m usually first in line for love stories, but as I was living the demise of one in real life that hardly even got started, I wasn’t feeling it. I went anyways, hoping that a fun film would snap me out of my heart funk.
I double wasn’t feeling it when, while waiting in line for popcorn, I spied the man in the never really started relationship come into the theater. Just. My. Luck. He’s headed to a different movie, he told me, with a different group of friends. “Cool,” I said, and carried away my two tubs of popcorn [I was the delivery gal for our group] with my shoulders back and my head held high, feigning confidence every step of the way.
I was jaded from that moment on. The movie failed to please and knowing he was in the theater next door, probably unscathed by our interaction, didn’t help things. When the “we can’t do this anymore” break-up moment happened forty-five minutes into the film, and I knew we had another hour, and things were certainly going to work out, I rolled my eyes. For the next sixty minutes.
Because in real life? It doesn’t always work out. And I’m tired of watching movies where it always does.
So while I have spent the majority of my life sitting front row in a rom com theater, grinning from ear to ear, now I huff when friends suggest it and beg for a comedy or a tragedy- just something that feels more honest. I don’t find any romantic movie enjoyable right now. In fact, even writing about this, my lip is quasi-snarled and my eyes are in pre-roll mode.
[I’m sure my behavior is terribly attractive.]
I’ve never been like this before. It’s not a feeling of hopelessness. It’s not a lack of trust in God. It’s just a pure frustration. And I can’t find a movie I want to watch for the life of me.
I’m at that place in my singleness where it all feels impossible- not hopeless, not doubtful, just not logical. Where is this man going to come from? Is it going to be worth the sacrifices I’m making now? What am I doing wrong? What am I doing right? How in the world is this going to work out?
In a movie, this is right when the plot twists and a knight comes riding in. In real life, this is right when I do another load of laundry and pay the bills and I keep living… but nothing changes.
I made a promise that when I started writing about singleness for (in)courage that I would write honestly. So even today, where this entire post feels immature and a bit embarrassing and fairly lame, I’m gonna go with it.
I often tell the small group girls that I lead of the importance of feeling the emotions you are having- don’t ignore them, don’t blow them out of proportion, but feel them. I’m trying not to wallow in this frustration, but feel it. Name it. And then recognize and remember that it is just a season in the cyclical nature of all things, including singleness.
So if you feel that today, I get it- and there is hope for frustrated ones like you and me.
This won’t last forever.
God hasn’t forgotten you, or me.
The poor and needy search for water,
but there is none;
their tongues are parched with thirst.
But I the LORD will answer them;
I, the God of Israel, will not forsake them.
By Annie Downs // AnnieBlogs