I tap my fingers on the table and check my phone again.
Nope, I hadn’t missed a text or call… in the last twelve seconds.
He said he would call today. He hasn’t.
The sun is starting to set, bringing the changing leaves into a brighter brilliance that on most days would put me in awe, but today? It just makes me feel alone.
Another day has started and now it is trying to end and yet my phone still hasn’t rung.
I’m still alone.
I feel un-thought-of. That’s not a thing, but it’s a thing, isn’t it?
Thinking that stepping away from the phone might make it ring [my crazy is showing, isn’t it?], I stand up, walk to the kitchen, and pull a spoon out of the drawer. Just one scoop of Nutella will get my late afternoon back on track. Still more writing to do, deadlines to meet, emails to compose.
I pause at the cabinet. My counselor says that I have to determine a reason before I eat. [Yep, I see a counselor. And yep, we talk about food.] I usually bulldoze through that question, but in this moment, I actually stop. I stood there, spoon in the left hand and right hand steadied on the handle to open the cabinet to the Nutella.
Because I’m the only one home, I have an outloud conversation with myself.
“I’m not hungry,” I say into the emptiness of my kitchen, “I’m just alone. And sad. And I’m about to eat this Nutella because something in my brain says that it will satisfy this hurt.”
My grip tightens on the spoon and I slowly close my eyes.
“God, You’re gonna have to be louder than this Nutella.”
I turn away from the cabinet and I keep talking, saying the deep hurts of my heart and the disappointments and all the ways that I wish my life was different.
And then I’m finished.
I stand there. And nothing happens.
My phone doesn’t ring. I don’t see an angel. I don’t feel some supernatural strengthening in my soul… all the types of things that you would expect this story to end with? They don’t happen.
I just put the spoon away and come back to my computer, resigned. To what? I’m not sure, but that is the word I feel.
I’m reminded of my favorite verses, Psalm 73:25-26. My flesh and heart feel like they are failing, but He is the strength of my heart, my portion, forever.
I settle back down in front of my computer, and the background music begins….
I need You more, more than yesterday,
I need You more, more than words can say,
I need You more than ever before,
I need You, Lord.
And it is true. I need Him more than anything. I am so quick to heal all my hurts in other ways when I should just go to Him, every time. I’m tired of being single? I think Nutella will make it better. I don’t know what it is you turn to – a person? A drink? A food? A television show? – but we all look for an escape hatch when this world hurts too much. I looked my escape hatch right in the door today and decided against it.
I don’t feel better. My phone is still the quietest piece of technology in this whole house and I’m annoyed about it.
But for today, my vice loses, my God wins, and somehow, my heart will survive it all.
. . . . .
[PS- there is NOTHING wrong with Nutella or eating or food or eating food. It’s not the Nutella, it’s my heart. It’s using the Nutella to heal instead of spread on toast. Just wanted to make that clear. Okay, that’s all, bye. 🙂]
By Annie Downs // AnnieBlogs