I lived most of my life on the edges of cliques. I walked the borders between groups of friends and I bridged gaps between people. And this, of course, was all unintentional because I always would have rathered to just be IN.
Into the inside jokes
Into the shared experiences
Into the sameness while I stood apart.
Groups.
Cliques.
Circles.
Closed…close…cloistered.
Just the nature of a group implies that it is a closed thing and someone will always be hurt.
I don’t know that there are any of us who haven’t been wounded in some way by being excluded. I have. You have.
Yet I realize I’m a part of a lot of groups myself. I’m a part of closed groups. I’m a part of small, close things that no one on the outside gets. I’m a part of invitation-only, cloistered circles that are quiet and safe and lovely. I’ve also weaseled my way into groups of friends that are large and nebulous and free. Everyone knows everyone and everyone loves everyone and there is a whole lot of back-patting and I’m-praying-for-you’s.
But I also know the pain of being left out.
I’ve stamped my boot in the spring soil even as recently as this year saying I-would-not-will-not go that conference because All of the People are a part of a group I will never breach. Stamped my foot like a little girl and took my dollies and went home.
I’m not a part of that post-college circle with whom I always dreamed of sharing laughter and meals. I’m not inside of the central group at the school or the core group at church. I’m on the outside of so much.
So I am both on the inside and on the outside. I’ve been the wounder and wounded. I’ve been the cloistered and the excluded. And I would venture to say, so have all of us at some level.
The truth is we all like to surround ourselves with safe people. We pad our worlds with love if we can and often that love comes in the form of friends. We feel the safest when we are known.
Maybe the need to become known is why we operate this way.
It’s why even the most friendly of us will naturally find ourselves leaning toward our “people” in a large group because it feels safe. It’s why when we walk into a big room we scan the crowd for familiarity. It’s why we say the words, “Save me a seat.”
We are known.
That place of wanting to be known is what drives us to form cliques and groups and circles of safe, loving people. But what we really want is to be known intimately by the One who created us and who thought about us before time began.
I wonder if we could take more intentional steps toward
Being known by God,
Being known by our families,
And being known by ourselves.
Then maybe the exclusion/inclusion wouldn’t have the same impact and we wouldn’t feel the same pain.
Even so, knowing all of this still doesn’t make it feel good when we aren’t invited, when that invitation goes to the other girl and not to me. When the invitation says, Hush. Don’t tell so others won’t feel bad. What is wrong with me that I can’t be a part of that group? What is wrong with me that I am not chosen?
Nothing. Nothing is wrong with you or with me. In fact, we’ve been chosen and invited before the start of the world.
So may I have a heart and soul that is open to the whispers of God when He invites me to
“go talk to her,”
“go love her,”
“go listen.”
And I enter into relationships that I would never have dreamed would have been for me.
I’m invited.
You’re invited.
We’re invited by the One who’s throwing the only party that matters.
Leave a Comment
Jasmine says
Thank you for writing this post, it resonates with me. I’ve been on both sides too I like how you said: I wonder if we could take more intentional steps toward
Being known by God,
Being known by our families,
And being known by ourselves.
Then maybe the exclusion/inclusion wouldn’t have the same impact and we wouldn’t feel the same pain. So so true, that is what I am going to work towards x
Sarah Markley says
yes, me too jasmine. thank you for your comment!!
Bev Duncan @ Walking Well With God says
Sarah,
So beautifully written. I pray that I would so desire to be known by the One who truly matters, that when I want to whisper, “Save me a seat”, it would be into God’s ear that I am whispering.
Thanks for the reminder and encouragement to reach OUT to someone who wants to feel IN.
Blessings,
Bev
Sarah Markley says
yes!! i love this Bev!!
Emily thomas says
“We were chosen before the start of the world by the One throwing the only party that matters.”
Such Truth! So thankful to have read this morning.
Hayley says
Amen!
Sarah Markley says
thank you emily!
Jessica says
Coming and reading this post on this morning is such a God thing. Thank you for listening to His urging to put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard, as the case may be). I needed this so very much and so did many other women. And even if the number of comments don’t tell that story at the end of the day, I promise you, there are hearts touched by your words.
Sarah Markley says
thank you jessica. =)
Mary says
I get this and I’ve been on the outside way more than on the inside. We all want to be included. Part of the “in crowd” when really the only crowd that matters is His crowd. Beautifully written Sarah…so very well said. Thank you for sharing your heart.
Sarah Markley says
thank you Mary!! so glad to have seen you a couple weeks ago if even for a few minutes! =)
Jennifer says
I actually just wrote a post about this same thing a couple days ago. I had a conversation with someone and left feeling defeated. I said to the Lord, “Well, I guess I’m not in with the in crowd.” Immediately I felt His conviction. Colossians 3:3 came to mind… For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God.
He spoke boldly to my heart that my life is hidden with Him and that means I am in with the only IN crowd that matters: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
I loved your take on this! Beautiful words.
Sarah Markley says
i love this jennifer! thank you!! what a beautiful reminder!
Judy says
Nothing. Nothing is wrong with you or with me. In fact, we’ve been chosen and invited before the start of the world.
This thought has kept me sane in days where I felt so ‘outside’. Beautiful post,and yes, keeping an eye towards others is the best way to keep me focused. As invisible as I feel sometimes, I need to remember others are in the same boat.
Sarah Markley says
thank you judy! i think we all feel invisible sometimes but i’m so sorry that this is real right now for you.
Shelli Littleton says
Thank you, Sarah. I always tell my girls that when we make the Lord our best friend, we don’t have to worry about friends. He just provides.
Sarah Markley says
what a great way to look at it!! thank you!
Amanda says
Love the post and can very much relate. I’ve moved across country 4 times since 2010 and in the midst of making new friends and losing old friends and just trying to fit in… it’s so easy to get caught up in the exclusivity of groups or desire a group do badly but you just can’t be fulfilled. 🙂
Side question, where are the adorable fox bandits from??
Sarah Markley says
oh gosh, i’ll have to look. Lisa and I each bought one when we were in a shop together in Savannah and I don’t know who makes them. but they are cute, aren’t they?
Patty Muich says
Being on the outside hurts. Sometimes the ones on the inside are worse off though. They worry if they can stay in the group, they fear getting ‘ungrouped’ and ‘unfriended’, becoming ‘uncool’. If only they knew that they were invited too.
Love, Patty
Sarah Markley says
yes!! if only they knew!!
Shelly Hendricks (@Renewed_Daily) says
We are actually fighting our spiritual natures when we long for inclusion in any but God’s circle! We are called to be Outsiders… not a very comfortable thing to be…. but that’s where the magic of mercy happens 🙂
Lovely post, thanks for the reminder! <3
Sarah Markley says
that’s a great point Shelly! thank you!
Dionna says
Sarah, I don’t think I’ve ever seen this subject delved into so eloquently. It was a beautiful and honest post with so much depth. I loved it and I resonated with it.
Sarah Markley says
wow, thank you so much dionna!!
Paulette says
This really resonated with me because I was the one that no one chose when it came to picking who they wanted on their team in PE. I was the one who really had no friends and found myself drawn to the ones that no one wanted to be friends with. The girl who never got asked to the high school dance or never got asked out while she was in high school. But PRAISE GOD he has invited me to be a part of HIS family and I never have to be the one who feels left out and not a part of what society calls the “IN” crowd and I am totally fine with that. Thank you so much for sharing what many of us go through and think that we are the only ones.
Sarah Markley says
thank you paulette! and no, you are not alone!
Lisa says
It never feels good to be excluded. But, I think those of us who have been excluded in the past, can be a blessing to others in remembering to invite and include.
Sarah Markley says
yes!! so true!!
Jen says
“The truth is we all like to surround ourselves with safe people. We pad our worlds with love if we can and often that love comes in the form of friends. We feel the safest when we are known.”
We all want this. But when we extend the invitation, when we offer the welcome, we do expand that circle of friends and as a result, pad our world with love as we know others and become known to them.
I spent most of my life on the outside looking in. I learned that when you are the one waiting for someone to say hello, you will wait a long long time. Six years ago God led us to a new church. I decided to change my approach. From day one I would introduce myself to anyone and everyone. I still do. The amazing thing is the way people have responded. Most return the welcome. God gives me a burden to extend the invitation, and I try to make sure no one is left OUT who wants to be IN. And God builds the relationships.
Brooke Burger says
Thank you. I have been here.
Donna says
That was beautiful. To get to knowhim better and to minister to others when He calls is so filling rather than empty without our groups.
Helen says
This is a good reminder to try to make sure that other do not feel excluded as we sometimes have. I’m fortunate to be included at this time so I should be watching out for those who may feel excluded.
Thanks.
Crystal says
Thank you for writing what we all feel Sarah! This is a sweet balm of encouragement to my heart, especially in this season of my life, and becoming an intentional encourager online has been a great way to put into action what you are writing about. I am thankful for this OPEN group of women!
Beth WIlliams says
Sarah,
I’m not big on groups or cliques and never have been. i have been shy most of my life and didn’t have a lot of friends. Sure I’m a part of some groups, but they are open and anyone is welcome.
My prayer for myself and others is that we would whisper into God’s ear “Save me a seat.” I pray also that I never hurt anyone’s feelings or exclude them from groups.
Remember we are all a part of one big big group of “Children/princess of the one true God”. All women are welcome to join this group and I pray they will.!
Paula McLane Jennings says
wonderful post. I too have been on both sides of those circles. In my formative years and teens I was nearly always on the outside and it was hard and hurtful. Today I very intentionally try to include anyone I see on the outside looking in as I also still find myself there so often and know just how it feels.
Emma (and Rosa) Moore says
Thank you! I really feel a lot better. I’ve had a bit of trouble with this and it really helps to read this. I am 9 years old and I will try to remember that it doesn’t matter if you’re on the inside or the outside because God chose you. From Rosa 🙂
Rosa came to me today having had friendship issues at school the last few days and we talked about it…. Then I read your post and rushed to show Rosa – ‘look how Jesus is your best friend! Look what is on the Internet today because He loves you!’ Thank you for sending Rosa a word from God today and helping her to see how much he cares about her.
Emma
Kelley J Leigh says
Nicely said. A beautiful invitation to something bigger. Thnx, Sarah.
Bridget Schmidt says
In our world, exclusivity confers value. Jesus makes us feel highly valued as individuals, and yet his arms are open to everyone. I guess this is what it means to love as Jesus loves. And yes, his is the only party that matters. That’s so good.
dad says
so true!
this mirrors much of c.s. lewis’ thots on
the type of love he terms as: “phileo”…
that we call friendship.
he talks about the circle that is pointed
inward
to the exclusion of all
who are on the outside of the circle.
like all the loves, it becomes demonic
as we make it into a god
that begins to rule more & more of our hearts.
friendship
can be & NEEDS to be redeemed
in the same love practices that we
saw Jesus model
&
that Jesus calls us & empowers us to do…
just like you speak of at the end of your piece.
love you,dad
Debra says
Out of the ball park, Sarah Markley. This is so real. So right. It’s me a lot of the time both sides. Thanks for the post and the reminder we can [and usually are] the “wounder and wounded.” Off to invite others in. 🙂
Tricia says
I love this…I have been way more on the inside…lots of friends…fun to be with….but something was missing…I wasn’t in tune being “IN” with my Jesus…I have hurt when uninvited to get togethers…Sarah I have realized so much today by reading your story….excited there is hope on so many levels in my life…ADD, my soon to be marriage, and being IN with God…thank you for your testimony and your willingness to serve Jesus in a mighty way by talking to others about the real of life…you my new found sister in Christ have made my day today!
Marilyn says
God has definitely been whispering these things to me. It’s good to be reminded that I’m not alone in struggling with this feeling of being on the periphery.