I wish it didn’t matter to me. I wish I could say I don’t care.
I want to be liked. When I am not, it hurts. I wonder what I must have done to cause this perceived dislike, and return the favor – certain it is the other person’s problem anyway.
The skin thickens.
I heard a story once. A priest speaking at a retreat compared us to cups.
The larger our cups get, the thinner the sides. The thinner the sides, the more others can see Christ through us. We pour ourselves out and fill ourselves with Christ.
A woman excitedly responded,
So we want to have a bigger cup size!
The priest smiled and replied,
I choose not to answer that.
Laughter erupted in the room and the woman blushed,
Oh dear.
She is right. We want to have a bigger cup size and thin skin.
I could sit and tell you how tough I have been.
When I was pregnant with our fourth child my husband was deployed. Our oldest child was four. His eczema had gotten so severe that he did not sleep during the night and could not bathe for 3 months. His hair and his nails stopped growing. He scratched his skin into piles on the floor. I swept the piles and changed his sheets every day. He scratched, and bled, and suffered. It was torture.
After our fifth baby, my husband was again deployed. Winter had arrived. Two unusual snowstorms blanketed our home with 50 inches of snow for months. Home with five kids under the age of eight, I pulled myself up the snow-covered basement stairs to shovel a path for our elderly dog.
Two weeks after our sixth baby was born, my husband deployed for the eleventh time. I was home alone with six children, a newborn, no sleep, and homeschooling.
Through every one of these deployments I was petrified my husband’s plane would crash, or a mortar would fall in the wrong place (if there is actually ever a right place for a mortar to fall). I would be left here without him.
There is a tough skin every military wife knows. The days and weeks and months go on, while we raise children alone and worry for the safety of our husbands.
There is a tough skin every mother knows. We toughen up for battle against mean kids, mean parents, and less-than-understanding teachers. We armor up for the fight with insurance companies and those who leave us on hold for the next available attendant (who seems to have left the country).
We grow up and toughen up. Our once thin-skinned innocence grows calloused. We think this is the way it has to be. We are mothers and have much to bear, so we get tougher.
What if we softened just a little bit? What if we let our cups grow, stretch, and thin at the sides? What if our shells became transparent enough to see more of what is inside?
What if we became thin-skinned… on purpose?
We would likely get hurt here and there.
We might lose an argument or two because we know being right isn’t as important as being friends.
We might ask for help, though pride wants to firmly root itself in our souls. Pride may have been taking up all the space, leaving no room for something beautiful to grow.
Grace may slide into this space and fill us from the bottom up.
What if we emptied our cups of the baggage, burdens, and burnout?
What if we emptied ourselves, and stretched our souls to make room for just Him?
This over-sized, thinned-skinned shell of who we really are could then give Him some room to move. Fill us to brimming. Brimming to pouring… all that He has.
As for me, I want a bigger cup size.
How about you? In what areas are you stretching and thinning?
Leave a Comment
Ruth says
Oh my! What a wonderful image. Praying that God would stretch the cup that is my heart, particularly at work. At work it’s a competitive environment and I thicken up as protection BUT God is my stronghold of whom should I be afraid? I want Christ’s gentleness to be evident to all. My cup needs to be thinned out and stretched and stretched thin. Vulnerability, authenticity, full of grace and longing for more, that’s my prayer. This post touches something very deep in me. Thank you x
Karin Madden says
Oh that was just beautifully said, Ruth. I pray the same prayer with you this morning. “God is my stronghold of whom should I be afraid?” – I will bury this inside my cup today. Thank you for your kind words. xx
Brenda says
Oh yes Ruth, I am in the exact same place. Every morning I fill up with grace and gentleness. Some days it is easy to be vulnerable, authentic, gentle and full of grace but other days, I join in the unnecessary competition at work. Good thing His mercies are new every morning.
Karin Madden says
Brenda, I am thankful for His new mercies – and thankful for your words here. It’s good to know we are not alone. Blessings to you today.
Kim says
Wow! Yes! I love this analogy. This is so on the mark of where God is taking me right now. With friendships and relationships, I am being asked to pour myself out, so I can be more transparent. Vulnerable is uncomfortable though, so it is challenging. Thank you for writing this. It confirms and gives a visual for me to remember when fear steps in.
Karin Madden says
Kim, I need this visual, too! Vulnerable *is* uncomfortable. It seems that it takes daily practice for me. I am always grateful to see it in others.
Heather P says
Since my recent visit with my parents and being away from my husband for 11 days, I believe God is continuing to teach me about my words. He is “thinning my skin” to reveal me a little more to others. Hopefully, I let Him be successful!
Karin Madden says
Heather, it is not easy to be apart from our husbands and parents. I have found that God uses that time to work the most on me – maybe because that’s when I let Him do the most. Praying we both let Him do His work in us!
Kristen Strong says
I adore this analogy, friend. So often I see being thinned skin – which I tooootally am in all the conventional ways – as being a negative thing. But you’ve convinced me to see this in a whole new light. Thank you!
I adore you, Karin, and it’s pure joy to see your face at the beach house today! Much love. xoxo
Karin Madden says
Oh, me tooo! I have always thought of being thin-skinned as a bad thing, and kicked myself often for being too vulnerable. This helps me to see things differently.
I sure do love you, Kristen, and this beach house place is beautiful and welcoming! Very good for thin skin… xoxo
Kristen Fitterer says
My boyfriend is in the army reserves and also works for a large police department. It is natural to desire to stand strong and build a tough skin. A lot of the time I feel like I need to for myself and for him. But I loved this image of a thin skin and the grace that it provides for others! Thank you so much for sharing!
Karin Madden says
Thank you, Kristen. You make a good point – we build a tough skin for us and for them. Yes! It’s not easy sometimes. Thank you for your kind words and for your boyfriend’s service!
M says
I grew up in a home where we were told to be tough and not depend on anyone. These past six months, my husband and I have been hurt beyond what I can express by some family members. In June, we were blessed with the beautiful, precious gift of our baby girl. So on one hand… I try to toughen up and pretend like I haven’t been hurt. I start to withdraw to avoid being hurt by anyone else. But then, I have this beautiful baby full of so much joy who softens me every day. Through all of this, I want to… And think I am somewhat learning… how to balance guarding my heart while also being soft.
Karin Madden says
M – I am so sorry to hear that you have been hurt by family members. When the pain comes from family, it is so very hard. That is where we should feel safest. Congratulations on your new baby girl! There is no greater gift. For me, God has used motherhood to soften me, and in some ways toughen me. I am learning to toughen up to what people think; and I’m learning to soften in the ways of grace. The lessons don’t seem to end. Blessings to you and your family – God hand-picked you to be her mama. It is the greatest journey.
Sabra Penley says
Softening up…emptying ourselves…stretching our souls…
DENYING SELF, as Jesus said we must. This is LOVE.
Thank you for your words of encouragement and truth. And thank you for denying yourself as a military wife for the sake of our country. Please give your husband a big hug from me and tell him I said, “Thank you!” God’s many, many blessings to you and your family!
Karin says
Thank you, Sabra! You made my morning. I’d be happy to give him a hug for you! And, yes, denying self. That’s *exactly* it. Blessings to you!
Holley Gerth says
What a beautiful, powerful, gentle challenge, Karin. Here’s to bigger cups and thinner skins this year! 🙂
Karin says
Thank you Holley! It’s definitely a challenge. I’m in! 🙂
Susan says
Right at this moment I need to lose an argument because as you have said, “it is better to be friends then to be right.” If everyone was like me then God would not have beautiful pieces of a puzzle for the Lord to work with…He would only have one piece. … and that doesn’t make for a very pretty picture sometimes. We need each other and we can’t always be right.
Karin says
Oh that’s a hard one, isn’t it? Losing for the sake of winning friendship. We do need each other – I learn this more and more every day. You are a beautiful piece of this puzzle. Thanks, Susan.
Susan says
Thank you Karin, as I am fasting for this new year, I am learning much! You write beautifully. Keep your words of encouragement coming! God bless you.
Karin says
Thank *you* Susan. Praying for much wisdom for you in your fast! You are so encouraging – God bless you.
Shelli Littleton says
So sweet, Karin!
Karin says
Thank you, Shelli 🙂
Connie says
Loved the visual. One question though: what’s the difference between thin-skinned and hypersensitive? I tend to get my feelings hurt, therefore my guard Is up, especially at work.
Melissa McIntyre says
Connie,
I believe being “thin-skinned” is the middle ground between being tough-skinned ( or thick-skinned ) and hypersensitive ( no-skinned maybe? 🙂 ). I have struggled with both extremes in my life as I believe many people have. To me being hypersensitive is taking EVERYTHING personal and being upset about it instead of giving it to Christ. If my focus is constantly on my hurt feelings, my focus is NOT on Christ. Not to imply that we never get our feelings hurt, of COURSE we do, but we have to take them to God, not dwell on them. Take EVERY thought captive…. Being tough-skinned in EVERYTHING is the opposite extreme. If you are too tough-skinned you usually have a brick wall around your heart or are starting to building one. (As someone who has been abused I know ALL about the wall.) God doesn’t want us to build a hard, cold, lonely wall around our heart even if we are “just protecting ourselves” God is our protector! Even WHEN bad things happen He can/will use them for GOOD! Being thin-skinned could be likened to having a movable “police gate” around your heart at times. You know, the kind they put up at parades and such? They provide a little bit of protection or boundary while still letting people in and out. Does that make sense? It is wise to have your guard up (your police gate NOT a brick wall) in certain circumstances such as around un-safe people; whomever they may be to you. But if you have a brick wall up, no matter how threatened you may feel, NO ONE will be able to see the real you or more importantly see CHRIST through you 😉 It IS a struggle for sure, ( I know I certainly haven’t “arrived” yet! ) but one I feel we MUST wrestle with because it gives glory to GOD!
Karin says
This is great, Melissa! I love the ‘police gate’ analogy. Yes, not everyone is safe. I pray that God gives me more discernment in certain situations. Thank you for this.
Melissa McIntyre says
😉
Karin says
Connie – this is a great question. I have been thinking on this one all day. For me, when I say thin-skinned I mean being willing to be transparent and vulnerable so that Christ can better be seen through us. We are all ‘broken’ in one way or another. I can relate to feelings getting hurt. It’s easy for me to harden in order to protect myself. I think, though, that God is trying to soften the hard parts so that in our weakness His strength can be seen. And, that does come at a price to us. Hurt feelings, feeling unappreciated and misunderstood. It’s taken me a while to come to this revelation, but living it out is a whole other thing. The other part is, when I am *hyper* sensitive to something, I find I often misunderstand someone else’s motives. I can’t know another person’s heart like God does and I am trying to do better at giving them the benefit of the doubt – grace. Takes lots of practice for me. Does this answer your question? Thanks for asking this – it made me think…
By the way – I added this scripture to my blog today at the end of this post…
Philippians 1:9-11 ~
And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God.
That love may abound… more knowledge and depth of insight… be able to discern what is best…
Less me. More Him.
Thanks, Connie.
Anne Peterson says
Karin,
Loved this post. And the beauty you brought to the whole idea of being transparent. I think God does want us to be thin-skinned, though the world encourages us to be tough. When we respond to what God wants we are more easily noticed in a hurting world. Great post.
I think the area I am most stretching in is the area of admitting weakness and even failures. Most of my life I tried avoiding failures and of late God has been showing me how valuable they are. Like Paul I am seeing when I am weak, He is strong. And isn’t that what we truly want? To reflect His strength. Maybe that’s why we need to be thin-skinned. So they can see Christ in us.
Melissa McIntyre says
“So they can see Christ in us.”
Exactly! Love it!!! 😉
Karin says
Anne, it is hard to fight against what the world teaches us. The more I release to God the easier the battle becomes in some ways. And it’s a daily lesson. That whole “fear of man” thing. I want to please God.
You are an incredible example of transparency! I love how you share your vulnerabilities and especially your wisdom. I agree with you – my failures are proving to be the best teaching ground! I’m with you, sister, let HIS strength show. Thank you for your words, Anne. You are such an encourager.
Melissa McIntyre says
Beautiful Karin! Soo humble and wise!
Oh and: Mothers of Six With Allergies/Eczema Unite! 😉
xxx
Karin says
Thank you, Melissa! I loved reading your comments above. So much wisdom and kindness in your words.
NO – not allergies and eczema, too?! And six kids?? Kindred spirits 🙂 xxx
Melissa McIntyre says
Thank YOU for the post 😉 It’s been soo refreshing this past year that I have subscribed to incourage to hear women be real, honest, raw and encouraging. You know, “thin-skinned” I think that is my new favorite word!
Oh yes, allergies, eczema and a little asthma and psoriasis thrown in for good measure! Your oldest sounds like my second child (also born in 2001!). Those poor babies! Definitely kindred spirits 🙂
Karin says
Oh, we must have mirror image medical records! These kiddos have been through it. We have seen some mighty God movements in all of it, though.
Yes, incourage is a very real place to prop up your feet. What a relief! Here’s to being thin-skinned together, friend. 🙂
Kelley says
thank you for this timely and encouraging reminder!
Karin says
Thank you, Kelley!
Rosie says
Oh Karin,
I came home from my 24h employement this morning. Tired and feeling empty. My coworker wasn’t this easy and likeable character I love to work with and the whole time I struggeled with his special sites. And on my way home I had to sing loud praise to my God. My weak heart felt more free and somehow it was really easy to worship my Lord. My Lord said to me that I have to change my bad feelings into joy and thankfulness because this will make me happier at all!
And after my heart was joyful again I read your words and my morning was truly blessed! I’m so thankful for your encouraging.
Feel hugged and be blessed!
Rosie
Karin says
Dear Rosie,
You praised God when you felt weak! *That* is the amazing blessing. You went straight to Him. Thank you for sharing your heart for worship here. You have just encouraged me. Thank you for your kind words – hugs and blessings to you!
Naomi Hetrick says
I want a bigger cup size! No, I don’t. Wait – do I?
Karin says
Haha! Yes, you do. I do. I think… yes. Definitely. You funny 😉
Beth Williams says
Karin,
Wow! You are one tough cookie. A great writer also! Loved this post!
It can be tough at work for me. When I feel thick-skinned, “useless/unimportant” I turn on some Christian music and start praising God at work. It helps. I also stop and pray for friends, co-workers, family and even myself. You’d be surprised how mcuh that turns the attitude around.
Thank you for being so open and honest! Have blessed 2014! 🙂
Karin says
Thank you Beth!
I am a wimp in so many ways 😉 – it was all God during those deployments.
You bring up a great point – taking the focus off ourselves and focusing on worshipping Him, and praying for others… that is the way to fill our cups.
Blessings to you this year!
Karin says
*worshiping 🙂 (typo)
Rebecca says
Beautiful post. Sweetly encouraging words!
Karin says
Thanks Rebecca!
Susan Stilwell says
Hi Karin,
I’m so far behind on my reading but was SOOOO excited to see you here at inCourage! Beautiful post. I can’t imagine the emotions you must wrestle as a military spouse. I’m so glad God has thinned your skin because the Christ in you is gorgeous.
Love, Susan
Karin says
Hi Susan,
You are just one of my favorite people. I am so happy to see you here. Thank you for your encouraging words – you are a gift. I hope your recovery is going well, my friend. Hugs to you!
Love, Karin