I felt so fragile sitting in the parking lot of Target, too sad to stop crying. And though my hand held a list of things that really couldn’t be put off another day, I was now entirely too tired to run errands or do much of anything. So there I sat. Alone.
Moments earlier, a friend had called to tell me something she’d seen posted about me online.
It was harsh and hurtful.
I tried to give myself a little pep talk, “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me.” Who on God’s green earth came up with that ridiculous mantra? It’s not true. I cried a little more.
I pulled up the social media page my friend alerted me about, and there it was for all the world to see: Opinions about me flying through the Internet, intent on ripping me apart. As soon as I read the unkind words, daggers hit their mark deep inside my heart.
Others debated me as if I were a product sitting on a shelf, void of a soul. A soul that feels and breathes and cares so very deeply about everything.
Instantly, I wanted it all to stop.
I looked up and saw people walking into Target and felt so very envious of them. They seemed peaceful, happy, or at least neutral. I suddenly wished for a less risky life.
Why do I display my heart to all the world typed up in pixelated letters?
Words like, “calling” and “disciple” suddenly felt like burdens not blessings.
I looked back at my phone and reread the hurtful remarks posted on line. What’s a girl to do when she’s feeling desperate to fix something that can’t be immediately fixed?
Should I defend myself?
But I don’t want to sound defensive.
Should I pray for others to defend me?
But I don’t want to pull others into this.
Should I just stay quiet?
But then what if my silence just feeds their case?
Every response felt like the wrong response.
What do you do when you don’t know what to do?
Maybe you’ve sat in a Target parking lot crying too. The circumstances might have been different, but the hurt is the same … that sliced-open feeling of being judged, misunderstood, and wrongly exposed for the purpose of a good debate.
What do you do when you don’t know what to do?
I wish I had the perfect answer. I don’t. These kinds of situations are messy and complicated, and unable to fit in formulaic boxes.
However, I have an imperfect solution that will at least get our toes pointed in the right direction for what to do when you don’t know what to do…
Do the next small thing, the right way, right away.
In other words, find some small right thing to do that negates the negativity. Do that right thing, right away, to prove to yourself what’s being said isn’t ALL true.
There may be some small tangles of truth in the hurtful thing being said. We can pray about that and do something about that later when the hurt isn’t so fresh.
But first things first. We have to stop the bleeding from the deepest wound.
Do the next small thing, the right way, right away.
The small thing I decided to do was see their comments coming from a place of hurt, not hate. Hurt people hurt people. Something must have happened that caused hurt to stir up in their hearts. Maybe I even inadvertently added to their hurt without meaning to. Regardless, having compassion for their hurt, eased the pain of my own.
I called my friend who’d been the first to see the hurtful comments and I told her, I don’t know what to do except be a picture of love in this situation. If I respond out of hurt, things will only get worse. So, I must let love guide me.
Love can empower me to feel hurt without becoming a person consumed by that hurt…
I can feel offended but I don’t have to be offended.
I can feel insecure but I don’t have to act insecure.
I can feel angry but I don’t have to respond angry.
That’s the choice love makes.
And please understand I’m not all Pollyanna about this and able to walk it out perfectly.
I have to give myself permission to be honest about my feelings. But I don’t have to compound the hurt by reacting out of those feelings.
I never did make it into Target that day. And there are still days I feel so very fragile and vulnerable as I put my heart out on the Internet. Maybe you do too?
Let’s let love take us by the hand and empower us in each and every situation where we don’t know what to do.
We can feel afraid but we don’t have to be afraid to do the right thing, right away.
For more encouragement, connect with Lysa at her blog by clicking here.
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