He stares at me from the back seat with eyes hot, red, determined, defiant and desperate to be understood. I stare at him through the rear view mirror with eyes that echo his own blue exactly and match his mood perfectly.
I am just as angry as he is.
The only difference is that outright temper tantrums with the snot and tears and whiney mouth aren’t really navigable for grownups steering a minivan to school. I want him to just quit it. I want him to be rational. I want him to understand how mad he’s making me.
He just wants to wear the red striped shirt instead of the orange one.
Last minute battles when we’re all but out the door crush a day before it even begins. The rehab can take ages. Even when he’s finally found his way to a small island of calm and the teacher has hugged him and I’ve admired his sprouting bean, his eyes are still hot and we hug each other good-bye almost angry at how much we love each other.
The mother job is hard. Because every time I look his temper squarely in the eyes I see the reflection of my own.
DNA surprises in all kinds of ways. The boy who was my 24 hour best friend just yesterday can unhinge me this morning in under five minutes.
We navigate these bumpy waters together – carefully. It is a hard crossing. I have to learn carefully when to yield and when to hold firm. The waves are unpredictable. And sometimes I have to shout into the wind, “I love you. I love you. I love you.”
I have to shout it louder on the days I don’t feel it.
I shout it until my throat is hoarse and we both start to believe it.
This boy has dissected me. All these parts of myself I’ve never recognized, let alone acknowledged.
He is a mirror and I don’t like what I see.
Our kids do this.
So do our friends.
Our family.
The people who love us the most also reflect our insides the best.
And my boy reminds me that I am built of DNA and the Spirit and that I can claim this passion as a holy fire rather than one that will consume me. I want that for both of us.
The ability to look in the mirror and see a warrior for the Kingdom rather than an out-of-control, out-of-toilet-paper, out-of-her-mind mama. Because while I may be out of all those things on more days than I care to count, I also know that Jesus chose me.
Jesus chose me knowing full well all that I am and more importantly all that I am not.
“You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you.”- JESUS
~John 15:16
So when I look in the mirror I focus on seeing what Jesus sees.
So when I look at my son I focus on seeing what Jesus sees.
When I look at my family, my job, my calling, my writing, my scale – when I look at all these things I focus on the reflection of Jesus that is EVERYWHERE if only I remember to look for it.
And His reflection calls me chosen and so when I glance in the rear view mirror at the boy with the eyes and the mood that reflect my own I whisper under my breath, “Chosen,” and drive us both safely home.
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Paging all moms – you’re invited to Lisa-Jo’s Back-to-School Book Club (no homework necessary!) as a community of mamas gather online to discuss her book, Surprised by Motherhood: Everything I Never Expected About Being a Mom. It just started this week so –>click here for all details.
{And if you order 2 or more books you can use code BLOOMBOOK for free shipping!}
Leave a Comment
Claudia says
Thank you for your encouraging words.
Lisa-Jo Baker (@lisajobaker) says
It’s just nice to know we’re in it together, isn’t it?
Bev Duncan @ Walking Well With God says
Lisa-Jo,
I SO needed to read this, this morning. I could not sleep – thinking about my 21 year old unsaved son. The son who I called my Velcro child because he always clung to me. The son who has the same stubborn streak that I do. The son, who when I look in the mirror, I see myself. The son over whom I pray morning, noon and night. Thank you for reminding me that he is Chosen just as I was Chosen by Jesus knowing full well “all that I am and more importantly all that I am not.” I just texted him, “I love you, I love you, I love you!” He’ll probably look at the text and think oh my crazy mother, or maybe it will give him a glimpse of how much he is loved by his Heavenly Father? I don’t know…but it just seemed like the right thing to do…thank you again for a much needed post!
Blessings,
Bev
Lisa-Jo Baker (@lisajobaker) says
Bev – thinking of you both this morning. As much as kids might push back against our loving them, I 100% believe they’re desperate to hear how desperately we love them.
Jas says
Thank you Lisa-Jo, I’ve been there with my own son too. It’s so hard to navigate the waters of a stubborn strong and intelligent 8 yr old boy, to know exactly what to do. We are not always calm as mamas pushed to the edge BUT I am going to look for Jesus reflection in all things or try to see what He wants me to see. Thank you for being real x
Lisa-Jo Baker (@lisajobaker) says
Yea goodness knows I’ve lost it time and time again – but there’s always tomorrow to keep showing up and loving him and starting over.
carissa says
I just so appreciate your honesty about you and your mirror-son. (I have one of my own).
Lisa-Jo Baker (@lisajobaker) says
I think there is probably at least one in every family. And we moms gotta give each other grace and courage together.
Carissa says
grace was exactly what I felt in your words, Lisa-Jo <3
Cindy King says
Hang in there! I have a son, who is now one of my best friends, that pushed my buttons and caused me to doubt myself as a person and as a mom. I thank God frequently for His grace to redeem the mistakes and fill in the missing pieces. I am a 65-year-old grandmother who is blessed by your blog. It is wonderful that you young moms can encourage each other this way.
Lisa-Jo Baker (@lisajobaker) says
LOVE hearing this Cindy – love imaging that frustrated six year old as a grown man filled with all that passion as an adult and using it to build up the Kingdom.
Dianne says
Thank you for this encouraging message this morning. I have three sons and between this weekend and even as late as yesterday there have been some “battles” but I’m grateful for God, His Word and encouraging words that give us moms hope and strength to learn and keep going.
Lisa-Jo Baker (@lisajobaker) says
Hi there Dianne,
I’m so so grateful for that too. Jesus’ patience with me is a constant reminder to keep extending the same patience to my kids.
Meredith Bernard says
I SO get this, Lisa-Jo. Because this is ME. And these same types of thoughts have been swirling in my heart and soul recently and came spilling out in the wee hours of the morning for a post tomorrow. Funny how we mamas all struggle with the same things, eh? 😉 Thank you for the reminder to always and only focus on what Jesus sees. That’s the key, isn’t it? To reflect the image-bearer whose image we were created in. Love you, mb
Lisa-Jo Baker (@lisajobaker) says
Hey Meredith – you and me both. And sure we’re gonna mess up and there will be shouty days, but thank goodness Jesus’ reflection doesn’t depend on my mood.
Cafe7202 says
This is wonderful. Thank you. It brought to mind Erma Bombeck’s piece on how God chooses mothers of special needs children. He tells the angel that she will see prejudice and other people’s limitations…and be doing His work. She will also witness miracles and know it. He chooses her specifically for her strength, her limits and even her selfishness.
Love it.
Lisa-Jo Baker (@lisajobaker) says
Thank you for the beautiful reminder.
Marilyn says
As I read this, it was as if I was reading about myself. This is me, where I am right now. I have just been picked up off the floor and my weak feet are dancing. Thank you!!!
Amanda says
Oh, me too, LJ. My oldest turned six today, and I spent the morning correcting him for taking toys and hitting, and we were both just so fed up. I see my temper in him, and it scares me. But God is teaching me to pray for us both when I don’t know what else to do. Thank you for this reminder to see what Jesus sees, in both of us.
Joanne Peterson says
Goodness knows that there are many days lately that all I do is shout out “Jesus Help” you know what everyone needs and I trust you. I am finding myself getting calmer, after shouting that prayer. I also am finding if I start off whispering, then my decibel level stays quieter and the kids have to strain to hear and so do I. I don’t always know when to back off and when to hold my ground…….Sigh
Thank you for this post.
Blessings,
Joanne
karyn says
This is what I did when my kids were young.
I did not get involved at all in their tantrums. They either had to go to their rooms to have them …. our of sight …. or if they fought …. they had to do it out of my sight.
It made for a happier life for mummy and her boys.
With my grandkids, no fighting when I’m around. Can’t handle it.
Call me a chicken but it worked.
My sons and I have a wonderful mother and son relationship ….. they love me to bits and I love them.
But if I got involved in all of their overheated arguments I’d be dead by now cos they were horrendous. No kidding.
Fighting one moment and then I find them looking out the window hugging each other, I love you. I love you too.
I just never got involved.
Does the term out of sight and out of mind ….. it worked well for me and all my relationships.
Mother, father, sons, grandchildren, friends.
Not that I don’t care. It’s emotions that are sudden but gone in a whisp.
But it leaves us all broken up inside. Like you are.
If it’s important it will come up again and again and again. Then after ten to twenty …. let’s sit down like normal people and let’s discuss it. Rationally.
I surely hope this helps. It helps me. All my life. I try my best to evade arguments. Confrontations. It does no one any good at all. Least of all my good self.
Vicki says
Oh Lisa-Jo, how my heart and my soul needed these words this morning. After an evening filled with anger and tears and too loud voices I needed this. My almost 11 year old, strong-willed son and 5th grade homework seem like they will be the undoing of both of us.
And because God always wants to get His point across, what finally calmed the storm last night was when I was able to tell my son that we were the same….that I understood and now your words, reminding me again of the truth. I am going to keep your words close and pray that I remember to try and see what Jesus sees rather than my own shortcomings when I look at him. <3
Jeanne Takenaka says
Wow, you just described my morning to a Tee. My youngest is my best friend….except when he’s not. He has his own set of issues, and I have mine. And sometimes, they collide in an explosion of words and emotion. Your reminder to see him through Jesus’ eyes? You put into words the thoughts Jesus has been weaving into my heart this morning.
To see myself as Jesus sees me? I’m still working on this. Thank you for words that rubbed balm onto a weary mama’s heart.
Gail says
Thank you so much to these encouraging words.
Michele says
I feel very fortunate to have been a stay-at-home parent. Rarely did we HAVE to be any where at a given time. At melt down moments I was able to push the ‘pause button’ on life and stop everything while we hugged. This would give my little ones time to adjust to frustrating situations, while learning to accept them and carry on. I have friends and families with much busier lives who could not afford this luxury that I am grateful to have had.
Cheryl Ricker says
What a joy to be “chosen” by God. I could meditate on such a big thought all day. Chosen, hand-picked, personally loved… for the purpose of reflecting Him. He delivers us from evil and clothes us piece by piece into His glorious righteousness. As our kids watch us move through life, humbly putting off sin, graciously putting on righteousness, they too grow up learning how to look like Jesus.
Kate Carman says
Lisa-Jo, I Love this!
Thank you for the reminders and the courage to capture and share motherhood!
Marty says
“This boy has dissected me. All these parts of myself I’ve never recognized, let alone acknowledged.”
Truer words never spoken. I can so relate to this post. I have 3 boys (and 1 daughter…I’m not talking about her, but when I type that I have 3 boys, I can hear her in my mind saying, “HELLO? What about ME?”) and at one time or another in this whole parenting my boys thing, I’ve felt the same way: dissected. From one boy more than the others. And I never really knew how to put it into words until now.
Because one day, we’re their best friend and confidant, and the next day…we want to strangle each other.
Thank you for the reminder to see him as Jesus sees him…as a warrior for the Kingdom. He’s a Christian, but at 18 years of age, he still needs direction, guidance and discipline for sure. But mostly, he needs to know that he is CHOSEN.
Kathy @ In Quiet Places says
When our daughters were young and quickly growing up – I was so thankful for the wisdom of Dr. James Dobson. His books, his radio broadcasts were such a big help to me. Parenting challenges are new around every corner and just when you think you have learned how to handle one stage, off to the next stage! But I loved those years and the wonderful women my daughters are now.
Tammy Belau says
Lisa,
oh God’s timing is so perfect. I receive the proverbs 31 devotionals, so you have encouraged me without knowing it before. Today, however, I was so frustrated with my 5 year old daughter who for the second day in a row refused to get dressed and I teach at her school, so being late was not an option.
Oh the battles, I actually looked in the mirror in defeat today and questioned if God really gave her the right momma. If He could see how poorly I was handling it today and wouldn’t she be better off with a more gracious, loving, patient mommy?
After this desperate admission of inability to control or do anything of my own strength, that sweet little head came into the bathroom and apologized.
Still, your admission of anger and reflection, I no longer feel alone.
Though I love Jesus with all my heart and have my whole life, my second born has been the refining fire of God in my life for the last three years.
Thank you thank you thank you for validating this fight that we can still be His chosen ones and still feel like a miserable failure.
I am still trying to understand grace, perhaps I never will.
~Tammy
Marisa says
I can’t thank you enough for these words…I was blessed with a wonderful son after three girls and he being only two years old has rocked my world. Just today I asked God if He thought I could do this because clearly I cannot…my boy child is full of all boy aggression, the need to be in dirt, the need to scream and hit and overwhelm this momma on a daily basis. I am so thankful for his sweet little self yet worry I am not doing this right….the girls seem easy, he is God’s gift to refine me and I just need to stop during the day to see Jesus in the midst of it all. Thanks!
PS I read your book and loved it!
Beth Williams says
Lisa-Jo
Love your writing and honesty! I don’t have children, but older parents and I don’t like what I see in the mirror either. I have my dad’s temper and attitudes. Thankfully we are CHOSEN by God to be His workman! He Chose we did not choose Him–AMEN!
Blessings 🙂
Traci says
As always, you’re spot on with this.. It wouldn’t be so frustrating if they weren’t like us.