Often the works of the day, the habits of routine, move our bodies forward. We don’t have to think hard before rolling out of bed. For me, even with my best intentions to go straight to coffee and my thinking spot, I’ll see the laundry that needs to be started, and then I’ll straighten up the pile of shoes by the back door.
Sometimes the path to my morning reading and writing is a mile long. Then the kids wake up, and it’s on. I tell them all, “I am no short-order cook!” but I really am. The plants need to be watered. Then the dog needs to be walked. The floor is beyond gross, so I sweep and mop, and oh yeah, “Let’s do math, boys!” And I move between the boys during homeschool faster than a waitress between tables.
So much of my life is the doing, and while I’m running a million circles, I’m not always aware of my mind, the thought patterns, how they tend to loop on certain things. I can act like a whim of a woman, but my mind often gets stuck in loops that usually have to do with what I’m fearing at the moment.
The loops can run like this: Why does his skin look like that? Do we have food sensitivities? I need to keep these boys healthy. I’ll feed them more green stuff and give them omega fatty acids and probiotics, and, “No, you may not have juice. Only water forever.”
This is a shallow yet true example of how my mouth often speaks out of hidden fear.
Other times, the good days or the good minutes, my loops look a lot more like adoration, like security, like trust and a purposeful acknowledgement of power: God is in control. I have no idea what I’m doing, but He’s helping me. He’s doing it. Look at the grapes here, how we didn’t plant them and yet get to eat. “Yes, eat the grapes, baby. I am thankful. Do you see these gifts?”
The things looping in my heart (the meditations) direct the words that come out of my mouth, and I’m beginning to see how my security, or lack thereof, has everything to do with how healthy my thoughts are. My understanding of how safe and secure I am directs the meditations of my heart.
Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.
– Psalm 19:14
What is in our hearts and what comes out of our mouths has everything to do with our safety and security.
Everything I fear becomes the focus instead of the One who keeps me safe.
So I’m asking myself, and you now, isn’t He our rock? If I am so redeemed, must I go about like I am a servant of a shakeable kingdom?
My son crawls into my lap and I smell the top of his head. We are good at snuggles here. I know what it feels like to call my son acceptable.
I think on my love for my children and my thoughts begin to loop on a question: Isn’t acceptance what I want, too? Nothing makes me question my place in this world more than insecurity. I know I’m in my right place when my foundation is the Rock.