I recently submitted my second book to my publisher, a compilation of stories on friendship to be released next year. After spending time collecting tales of close relationships — months in which I worked more than I socialized — I announced to my husband that I was, in fact, a Friendship Fraud. (In my mind it was capitalized, an official title.)
I’d become negligent, failing to nurture one of life’s great treasures: good friendships.
I don’t know about you, but I have a tendency to assume that my friends are out on me, that I’ve caused offense in some unknown way, that my girlfriends will be there for me when it’s easy but maybe not when it requires an effort.
Thankfully I have friends who teach me otherwise, who show me that roots grown deep don’t shrivel so easily.
My mother passed away 11 years ago on my birthday. It gets easier with time, but sometimes the memories sneak up and throw me into a major funk on a day which I’m supposed to celebrate.
Recently my daughters told me that my birthday tends to be depressing and pretty much a bummer. I thought I was the only one who felt that way!
When I received an invitation for a movie screening that night — even though my youngest daughter had a softball game — she insisted I go. Actually, she said, “I don’t want you to go to my game,” and then sweetly explained that it wasn’t that she didn’t want me at her game, she just wanted me to go to the movies for my birthday.
{My kids know that Quality Time, with a strong emphasis on movie date nights, is my primary love language.}
A local Italian restaurant offers a free meal on your birthday. I usually order Cannelloni en Bianco: cheese-filled pasta, sliced mushrooms, alfredo sauce, and mozzarella, baked. My mouth waters just thinking about it! Although the rest of my family would be at the ballpark, I wanted that meal.
So I sent a text to two women from church, some of my oldest friends, to see if they could meet me for dinner. They couldn’t, so I skipped it. Even the movie was a dud.
When my Moe’s moms heard about my sad birthday and my peanut butter sandwich dinner, three women looked me in the eye and simply said, “I would have met you.”
I wasn’t too surprised when I received a text invitation to lunch two days later. My tale of a simple sandwich and a subpar flick was suitably pitiful. But what I didn’t expect was a circle of friends waiting for me around that patio table at a favorite Mexican restaurant.
My friends don’t need qualifiers. They don’t need to have known me for over twenty years or stood beside me during my mother’s illness to love me well in her absence. They are grand and glorious and I’m ever-grateful for the gift of their presence in my life.
Because of them, I am not a Friendship Fraud.
Dawn Camp @ My Home Sweet Home, editor of The Beauty of Grace.
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Bev @ Walking Well With God says
Dawn,
I had a very painful procedure done on my foot yesterday. One of my dear friends stopped by afterward with a “Thinking of You” balloon and ice cream…Yes! I am so grateful for the friends that God has given me that have walked with me in joy, and in extreme sorrow. They are truly a blessing. I pray that I can be that kind of friend in return. Thanks for you post this morning.
Bev
Bev
Dawn Camp says
Bev, that’s awesome. I’m thankful that you have friends looking out for you. 🙂
Nancy says
Girl, you could never be a friendship fraud! You are one of the most caring and considerate people I know and I’ve known you for over 10 years. There’s no faking that!
Dawn Camp says
Thank you, Nancy! And thanks for being part of my surprise day!
Joanne Peterson says
I have some friends who stopped by on Sunday on a “whim” and we talked outside of my house for a long time. (Inside my boys would have taken over) I had been feeling pretty isolated with all that had been going on with doctor appointments, therapists, counselors, school, etc. We call ourselves the Mushy’s. It was like a breath of fresh air and was so encouraging to be remembered.
Dawn Camp says
Joanne, it’s so easy to feel forgotten. It sounds like you’ve got good friends in your corner!
Judy says
Thank you for the (in)courage post, friendships are so important. My own mother died 35 years ago the day after my birthday and I have lived longer without her in my life than I did with her. I had no sisters to turn to and so friends filled in the gap. Mother’s Day approaching is always hard. As the years go by and everyone has their own busy lives there is always at least one friend who knows I need something even before I know it and makes me feel blessed. Coworkers have become friends when life long friends are too far away or busy with their lives and even they know I need support before I do. There have been several “meltdowns” prevented on both sides of the friendships since I have discovered that I too have become support for them too. In a stressful, cruel world when we begin to wonder where is God, he appears to us in our friends to remind us of our blessings!
Dawn Camp says
Yes, Judy – friendships are best when there’s mutual reliance! I’m so sorry about your mother and the timing: I understand. Wishing you peace at Mother’s Day.
JeanneTakenaka says
Dawn, you brought tears to my eyes. 🙂 I always want my birthdays to be special, but my man and my two boys don’t always quite get this. 🙂 I loved that your daughters wanted you to do something you enjoy for your birthday. So sweet of them. And those friends who circled around you? Priceless. And truly a blessing.
When I had an emergency appendectomy last year, one friend jumped in, spent the night at my house so my hubby could be with me, and she took my boys after school the next day. Other friends brought our family meals and gave me hugs and prayers. Those relationships are invaluable.
Dawn Camp says
Jeanne, birthdays can be crazy, can’t they? When we have kids, sometimes we become celebrated less instead of more! Thankfully God sees our service. You are special!
Susan G. says
I’m so sorry your birthday every year is so sad. Birthdays are meant to be filled with fun, laughter and family and friends. What a very hard thing to lose your mother at 11, and then for it to be on your birthday… Perhaps you could think about celebrating the ‘life’ of your mother on your birthday (thinking only of the good things), as well as celebrating your birthday (because she also gave birth to you on that special day!). Friends do play a very important role in our lives… I am especially bad at connecting with my friends, because I do enjoy a lot of alone time. Some of us have to be more intentional about making time to be with friends. Although sometimes it’s hard, I do force myself to invite a friend to lunch or coffee now and then. And afterward I’m so glad I did.
Thanks for your post.
Be blessed.
Dawn Camp says
Susan, I love this idea of celebrating my mother on my birthday. Thank you!
Beth Williams says
Dawn,
Friendship–really good friendship takes time and effort! One must be intentional about doing for and thinking of others! None of us are friendship frauds. It is just that life gets busy and hard and people get forgetful!
My husband and I both lost our mothers. We miss them much and mother’s day isn’t the same. My hubby lost his mom to cancer when he was 17-18 and I lost mine to dementia 6 years ago after watching her battle dementia and sundowners for 2 years. The amazing thing that happened when mom died is that friends from our church came around and supported me and my family. Even though mom wasn’t a member or ever attended the church our pastor did a eulogy and the church women fed my family!
I agree with others that mom’s should be celebrated and remembered for the good they did!
Blessings 🙂