As I pulled into the parking space, I noticed my husband tilting his head toward the window. I knew what he was doing. He was looking at my parking job — and judging it. Silently. So I asked him, “What are you looking at?”
Smart man that he is, he said, “Nothing.”
We climbed out of the car, and I told him that I knew exactly what he was looking at, that I’d told him I wouldn’t be able to park an SUV, that I was never going to get any better, that’s just how it was. Then I looked at my Kia sitting firmly between the lines of the parking lot and exclaimed, “And look! It’s not even that bad! I mean . . . it’s been worse. I mean . . . I’m just saying . . . if you’re expecting me to turn into some parking genius, you are going to be disappointed.”
Mark just laughed. And so did I, and we walked into church.
No matter how hard I try, I really cannot park my small SUV straight inside a parking space. It’s too big and too curved for my eyes and brain and hands to make that happen. I’ve tried. I’ve failed. And I’m cool with that. When it comes to parking my car, I’m like Popeye. I yam what I yam.
An inability to park is not really a spiritual issue (even in the church parking lot) and, unless I’m in one of those super annoying parking lots with tiny spaces and way too many big trucks, it’s not likely to cause me much actual distress. But as I was laughing to myself about my rant about my [lack of] parking skills, I started thinking about how often I pull a Popeye about other parts of my life.
Nearly every week my pastor says that God loves us no matter where we are in life — but He loves us too much to leave us there. While that’s not technically the mission statement or tagline of my church, I do believe it encompasses our culture of accepting all kinds of people — including those who might not feel or actually be welcome at other churches — but continuing to encourage them to move forward in their faith journeys.
I’m so grateful for both, the Truth about God and the culture of my church, because I’m one of those people. Behind my mask of “Fine! How are you?” and “Good morning!” and serving and smiling and selling a devoted follower face that simply isn’t always me, I’m not where I need to be and desperately grateful God loves me here anyway.
But when it comes to the part where He loves me too much to leave me there, in my sin and struggle and pain? Man, that part really stinks sometimes!
When I hear a message or a song or a still, small Voice telling me, “This. This is what you need to hear. This is where you need to grow (or move or change or let go or jump in),” my initial reaction is to stick my fingers in my ears and sing, “lalalala!” until it all fades away.
After all, I yam what I yam! This is the way God made me! This is just my personality. Or my parents’ fault. Or SOMETHING. But I can’t possibly change it now.
Then the worship band strikes up one of my favorite songs in their current playlist. And I can’t help but sing along as the tears roll down my face again.
And I could hold on
I could hold on to who I am and never let You change me from the inside
And I could be safe
I could be safe here in Your arms and never leave home
Never let these walls down
But you have called me higher
You have called me deeper
And I will go where you will lead me, Lord
Yep. That is it right there. I could be safe, content with a quiet faith in pastel shades of grace and love and mercy. I could hold on to the faith that’s grown in fits and starts over the years and settle into a groove of knowing what I believe and never questioning, serving when it’s convenient and never stretching, giving when I can and never sacrificing, hearing the Word but not doing much about it at all.
Or . . . I could let God love me out of this place He finds me today. I could confess that my quirks might not be cute and my so-called personality might actually be a problem. Because who I really am? That person is the one God created and knows intimately and loves beyond measure. And who I really am is not the sin or struggles that feel offended by a good message or moving worship. Who I really am is a child of God — and He loves me too much to leave me “the way I yam.”
I don’t have to be stuck in struggle or sin. I’m not sentenced to a life following the whims of personality or circumstances. This isn’t just who I am, and I don’t have to be “who I yam.” I can be who God designed me to be. I can grow and move and jump out of the place He finds me each day.
I just have to take my fingers out of my ears and listen.
Have you ever said you can’t change something about yourself? That it’s just part of who you are? Is there anything God is prompting you to give to Him, to let Him heal or change or remove?
Share on Twitter:
Bev @ Walking Well With God says
Good question…there’s so many things that need changing, but I suppose I tend to say, “I yam what I yam”, about being overly sensitive. Sensitive is one thing, but being overly sensitive can take away from my believing just who I am in Christ. A little thicker skin, I believe, would help me deflect the comments and criticisms of the world and focus more on who God says that I am. I would certainly spend less time questioning why so-and-so said such-and-such to me. It’s a fine line we walk between feeling convicted to change (that is always in a gentle nudge) and condemnation (which is guilt from the enemy). My challenge has been to learn to discern the difference and then move forward in the changes God would have me make. Great post, Mary, and certainly thought provoking!
ps. I LOVE your sense of humor…don’t change that 😉
Mary Carver says
Thank you, Bev. I’ll try to stay funny. 😉 I love your point about knowing the difference between conviction and condemnation – that’s a biggie!
Lisa McClendon says
I needed this today. Thank you.
Mary Carver says
So glad it encouraged you, Lisa!
So, so good! Thank you for the encouragement.
Mary Carver says
You’re welcome, Christy! Thank you for joining us here today!
Lina Rochette Hill says
Thanks Mary! I wrote half of that post in my journal today to remember. What song is that? I like it. As for your question I do relate to thinking of telling God this IS who I am but then I remember who I was & how far He has taken me thus far. Have a great weekend! Be Well, Lina
Beth Williams says
Such a great thought provoking post! I have often said I am what I am–this is who God made me to be and if you don’t like me then tough on you! My biggest change came when I was in church on a Wednesday night. I grew up Methodist-so I thought that since I was sprinkled baptized years ago that was all I needed. God used my pastor to convince me otherwise and right there I stood up and declared “dunk” baptize me now! Since that time God has used Christian music, small nudges, and other tools to get my attention. Thankful He loves us too much to leave us in our sin!!