What Happens When God Picks a Fight
Suddenly I could no longer breathe. There I stood, alone, paralyzed with fear, and drowning in uncharted emotions. I wanted to scream. I wanted to throw things and smash in walls with my bare fists. I wanted to shout obscenities that would make my church friends aghast, and I would have loved to drink myself into oblivion.
Cancer.
With 32 years of life under my belt, and only 2 years reprieve from acting caregiver of a mother who suffered and died from this beast, I knew that I would soon be forced to deal with all the implications of this word — losing my hair, wrestling over whether or not this was some kind of delayed punishment for past sin, and wondering if I would live to see my kids have their first kiss.
But I couldn’t think about all of this yet. Right now, I just needed to be ticked off about it. So, I threw the phone against the wall and shattered it to pieces. I also shouted and drank. How’s that for a tantrum.
Before my cancer-call, I felt pretty good about my faith in God. I had experienced my fair share of wounding — abandonment, alcoholism, rape, addiction, adultery, loss, depression — I knew well the pain of both the victim and the offender. But even inside these horrific blows I never doubted God’s existence. I may have doubted His love for me, but never His place as Creator.
But this? For the first time in my life, I wasn’t sure.
Suddenly my trust in God lay open like a wound — raw, exposed, and tender to the touch. Cancer has no use for blame-shifting or self-pity. It doesn’t care if you were hurt before, struggle with insecurity, or just need a break. And it certainly doesn’t answer back when you scream, “Whhhhy?!?”
This gnarly sucker-punch is straight from the hand of God. Any diagnosis like this feels personal in the most nauseating way. It’s so easy to dismiss our dysfunction until things are out of our control. It’s preferential to be god until we are slapped in the face with the fact that we are not.
I have come to believe, on the alive side of a “you’ve got 5 years to live” death sentence, that God is desperate for us to know Him for who He is, not what He does. He knows that pain is the place where faith is forged in the realness of Him — where He moves from our “teacher” to our Lord.
He is using all of the hard and heartbreaking moments in our life to remind us what a crappy god we are and what a perfect one He is. God is in the business of teaching us what real faith is — a life so free from the desire to play god that we fully allow Him to be.
Most people roll their eyes and smirk when I say that I would never take back my cancer diagnosis and the hell that is chemotherapy. But it’s the truth. I never want to un-see the glory that met me where my flesh ran out. It was in this dark pit of fear, questioning, and clinging that His love moved mountains in my barely grain-sized faith {Matthew 17:20}. It was in my raw, exposed wound that God became real to me and that I allowed Jesus to finally and fully fill all of my gaps.
It will be the same for you. May it not be a cancer diagnosis to bring you to this great faith-awakening, but in the simple reminder that God doesn’t need your help being God. The deepest pain has been felt and the greatest debt has been paid. In Jesus, our mortality can be exposed because His death and resurrection claim that we won’t be one forever. In the fight, He is reminding you who He is — a God who loves and liberates. May we believe the love that is eternal and rest in the reminders that we are almost home.
Giveaway
Tyndale is generously giving away 5 copies of Kasey’s book Raw Faith — follow the giveaway widget instructions below to enter to win! Open to US mailing addresses only.
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Kasey Van Norman is a bestselling author, licensed counselor, and Bible teacher living in Bryan, Texas, with her husband, Justin, and their two children, Emma Grace and Lake. Kasey has written two books and two Bible studies, Named by God and Raw Faith. Her next book, set to release in 2017, will help women own and understand their place in God’s story.
Leave a Comment
Beth Werner Lee says
This is what Martin Luther was talking about in his Theology of the Cross: you know God in your suffering or not at all. He contrasted sharply with the Theology of Glory where people just praise God for all the good but can’t face the suffering, theirs or Christ’s.
Jesus did pray for all of us because we would suffer and Paul tells us God will comfort us during our suffering.
I’d like to read this book.
Debbie C says
This sounds like an excellent book!
Marcia says
I had opportunity to read parts of this book via Rightnow Media…I would love have this book to read in its entirety and then share it with others…cancer is running rampant BUT God…Kasey you are such an inpiration to others!
Tami Harbin says
thanks for mentioning that i can find her on Rightnow Media! I’ll check this afternoon! 🙂
Suzy says
I’ve often questioned myself on why in the raw, dark spaces I find Him in a deeper, truer way. Do I listen more intently? is it the only way He can get my full attention? I haven’t heard of this book before, but will definitely be reading it.