It was one of those mundane days when I was elbow-deep in dishwater. A toddler was “organizing” the Tupperware cupboard. With one foot, I bounced a fussy baby in her bouncy seat. My unbrushed hair threatened to stretch itself into the next city’s zip code. Meanwhile, my yoga pants were wondering why they’d never actually been to a yoga class.
That’s when the phone rang. I recognized the name on the caller ID. She was a well-known woman from our community who ran a sizeable nonprofit. And she was calling me. Me!
I answered the phone, while pressing my most professional-sounding voice into service.
Mrs. Very Important called to see if I might be interested in serving on the nonprofit’s board of directors. She was in a pinch, because someone had resigned unexpectedly. And my name had come up as a possible replacement. She asked if I would let her know my answer within the week.
A huge part of me knew that my answer should be “no.” I was a busy mom. I was trying to manage several freelance writing projects. And I already had several obligations in my community.
But two days later, I called her with my “yes.” I did so for three reasons: I was honored that she asked. I didn’t want to let her down. And I didn’t have the courage to say “no” to a good thing.
I almost immediately regretted my decision. I had yet to learn this truth:
Sometimes you have to say “no” to the good, in order to save room for the great.
I served out my board term, but a part of me suffered because I gave time away that God intended me to use elsewhere. The organization may have suffered, too, because I was not as engaged as I should have been.
I learned a lot from my mistake. I learned that God never intended us to say “yes” to every good thing that comes our way. I also learned that it takes a lot of courage to say “no” to an enticing offer.
I am older — and I hope wiser — these days. I now have a speaking and writing ministry, in which I regularly encourage women to give their courageous “yes.” Because saying “yes” takes a boat-load of courage, especially when we’re being called to step outside of our comfort zones. I want to be their cheerleader.
But if you need to say “no,” I want to be your cheerleader, too. Because there’s another kind of courage — the Courage of No.
Sometimes courage sounds like a “yes.” But sometimes it sounds like a “no.”
Here are some guiding principles to help you say no, when necessary.
The Courage of No
1 – Know who you are. It’s tempting to tie our worth to our yeses, our hustle, and our ability to get ‘er done. But women who have a clear sense of purpose and identity in Christ are able to say no without letting it prescribe something about their worth. Take time every day to affirm your truest identity — the one you have in Jesus.
2 – Know your priorities. The clearer your priorities, the easier your decisions. Filter every request through the prism of your core values and calling. If it doesn’t pass the priorities test, it might be a sign that you should decline.
3 – Be resolute. Sure, it’s polite to offer some explanation for your “no,” but don’t feel like you have to give a drawn-out justification, even if you know that your “no” will disappoint the asker. As Jesus said, “All you need to say is simply ‘yes’ or ‘no’” {Matthew 5:37}.
4 – Keep perspective. Remember that a “yes” to one thing means “no” to another.
5 – Remind yourself that your “no” is someone else’s “yes.” Your “no” may open the door for another soul to learn, lead, and serve.
6 – Hear God’s big yes over you. There is wisdom in knowing when to walk away, but it takes courage to take that step. Know that when you need to say “no,” God is still in your corner, pouring all kinds of yes down on you! Hear these words from Paul:
“Whatever God has promised gets stamped with the Yes of Jesus. . . . God affirms us, making us a sure thing in Christ, putting his Yes within us.” {2 Corinthians 1:20-22}
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Bev @ Walking Well With God says
Jennifer,
It took me a long time to learn this lesson…I think the point you made about my “no” being someone else’s “yes” finally struck me. In a sense if I gave a half hearted “yes” to something I may actually be robbing someone else of their passionate “yes”. We all have certain gifts and talents and if we spread ourselves too thin, we really aren’t much good to God or others. Great points, you gave, to consider!
Blessings,
Bev
dukeslee says
I love that point, as well. I learned that lesson a few years back when I had to say “no” to leading our church’s Christmas program. A wiser, older woman gave me that bit of advice, and it released me from the guilt. Of course, she was right — a new woman in our church took the program over the first time, and did an incredible job.
Michele Morin says
I did that very same DUMB thing at the very same point in my life. What a breath of fresh air it seemed to be invited to attend meetings in my big-girl clothes and to give my opinion on something other than breast feeding and nap schedules.
But what a mistake it was to over-extend myself. Not all wonderful invitations need to receive a no, and yeses are so wonderful when we can say them, but I’ll never forget the sinking feeling that I had in my heart over that misplaced yes.
dukeslee says
Yes, Michele. Me, too. Sounds so familiar!
Ms. Witi says
perfect for me right now…..thanks!
dukeslee says
You are so welcome!
Pam Laipple Garton says
Thank you for this. I turned down a job offer a few weeks agothat looked good on paper , but not with my prorities. I am so glad you said it takes courage to say no as well as yes. And that is exactly what I told my supervisor…my no would mean the perfect yes was going to come for her from someone else. Perfect advice and timing….thank you.
dukeslee says
Your actions speak to the truth of my words, shared here. Spot on! Thanks for sharing, Pam!
Caryn Jenkins Christensen says
Good affirmation for me this morning Jennifer ~ in learning to say “no” to something (for me) where its season of “yes” is drawing to a close, which is equally hard. As you say, if I continue to stay, I may be taking someone else’s “yes” away. I need to trust that my “no” isn’t a bad thing and has nothing to do with my value or worth. <3
dukeslee says
So glad these words spoke to you, my friend!
Jennifer Camp says
I so needed this wisdom today, Jennifer. Thank you!
dukeslee says
Yay! Glad to know these words were well-timed for you. And so fun to see you at Hope*Writers!
Richella Parham says
Love this! #1 is such an important point. It used to be much too easy for me to scream “YES!” at every little opportunity, because I was trying to prove (to whom? to myself, perhaps?) that I was someone. I longed to be desired/desirable. I’m slowly learning that I’m already desired, I’m already desirable–“pre-approved,” to use your apt term. So I can allow opportunities to go to others with a glad heart even though I may still struggle. Thanks for the encouragement!
dukeslee says
Spot on, Richella! Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us.
Jessica says
Learning to say ‘no’ has been a journey and one that I still am learning, but even when it’s hard to ‘no’ I remember that saying no is saying yes to something else–like hugs and time spent with my lovelies or saying no is saying yes to more margin in our days to enjoy the sunshine streaming in the room while sipping and enjoying a cup of coffee just because I can. I need to remember that when those yeses fly out of my mouth!
dukeslee says
Ah, Jessica … A joy to see you here. And with a little more margin, you can keep taking those beautiful photos I’ve been seeing over on your Instagram.
Joanna @ Modern Ruth Project says
I completely agree with this and appreciate the encouragement! I have a hard time walking away from potentially good things. After my first year of law school, I had a mini meltdown from the stress and wanted to say no to a leadership position in a student group the following year. But I felt I had committed and like you, went right ahead with it. I also wonder whether my inability to say no kept someone else from stepping up as a leader. Very good points!!
dukeslee says
So glad these words spoke to you, Joanna. Thanks for stopping by today.
Martha Orlando says
“A yes to one thing means no to another.” So true! I used to think, if I was asked to do something, especially in church, that it had to be a yes. No more! God has helped me learn my limits and continues to guide me in all things requiring a yes or no. And yes, Jennifer, let them be just that!
dukeslee says
“especially in church”
Ain’t that the truth?
Thanks for sharing, Martha!
Kristen says
Sometimes I have a hard time with the guilt that comes with saying no. It’s tough to stay firm in my decision AFTER the decision has been made. Sometimes I struggle with whether that means that I made the wrong decision in the first place…we become double-minded and unstable when we doubt God’s wisdom and grace even in the midst of wrong decisions.
dukeslee says
So true, Kristen. Thanks for being here today. We appreciate you!
Beth Williams says
Jennifer,
It can be enticing to say yes when asked to do something. A half hearted yes isn’t worth it. They need & want your all in the project. I don’t say yes easily. Each project should receive 110% effort on my part. Overextending myself will do no one any good. We should allow others to have a shot at a yes. I know God will bring other opportunities. Now might just be a time of rest for you!
Blessings 🙂
Kathy/holyvacationqueen.com says
So good Jennifer! I have been getting better at NO ..and found just this week I said a big No to something that would shake the balance of our family. My NO was based on values..so much of what you share is so wise and sometimes it is takes hard knocks to learn NO is part of God’s plan. So good to visit again!!