My heart began to race. Fire radiated from my chest, down my arms, and up my neck. Sweat beads rolled down my temples.

“No, no. Please, God, no,” I cried. I recognized immediately what was happening to me. “I can’t have a panic attack. Not now.”

I stepped out the back door of my home office hoping the early December Michigan air would cool the fire in my face.

“God, I can’t go back to a life of panic again,” I prayed desperately.

It had been years since I’d had a panic attack. Anxiety and panic had plagued me through adolescence and early adulthood. With the help of my doctor and a community of caring friends and family, God had granted a sweet relief over the past few years.

I returned to my desk and stared at the document I’d been working on, a talk themed “God with Us” for an upcoming Christmas luncheon.

A tower of moving boxes sat in my living room where normally a fresh-cut pine would be covered with decades of handmade Christmas ornaments. The closing date on the sale of our home loomed in a couple weeks. After months of searching, we still couldn’t find a new place to live. Several friends had even offered their basements as temporary homes.

God with us? It sure didn’t feel like it.

I texted my husband and a good friend asking them to pray for me.

I pressed forward, refusing to crumble, crying out to God for help. I took frequent trips outside to breathe in the cool air.

Then these words from Isaiah came to mind:

When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze. {Isaiah 43:2}

The fire of panic continued to sweep through my body. My heart raced at every little noise. Yet, my spirit was like a rippleless lake, still as glass.

When the attack began, I felt I had failed in my faith somehow and that’s why this was happening again.

Yet, His Spirit reminded me God was walking with me even through this. He truly is Immanuel – God with us. His presence doesn’t mean we won’t suffer hard things. Some of our struggles may never go away, but He is with us in the midst of them, keeping us, helping us.

A few days later, I stood on a platform looking out at fifty women dressed in their Christmas finest. My emotions were still raw from the panic attack, but I was at peace, and depending on God’s strength to share the message of Immanuel.

Halfway through the talk, I began sharing about my panic attack. As the words rolled off my tongue, my brain was thinking, “What are you doing? This isn’t part of the talk!” It was as though someone else was sharing my story.

After the event a woman approached me. A weary sadness ringed her eyes.

“I’ve been having a panic attack for two days, and I didn’t know what it was until you described what it felt like. I’ve never had one before,” she said.

She shared her struggle, so deep, so much hurt. I listened, hugged her tight, and prayed with her.

As she turned to leave, I said, “God is most definitely looking out for you. I hadn’t planned on sharing that today. I think He had me share it just for you.”

A week later, we found a house to rent and moved in with just enough time to set up a Christmas tree. It’s been a year, and I haven’t had a panic attack since.

I know that during the hectic holiday season I need to take extra care of my spirit and listen closely to the whispers of God’s presence.

No matter what fire or storm may come, no matter how our bodies and brains and loved ones may fail, He is Immanuel. He never fails.

He is God with us.

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