About the Author

Sarah Mae has a past that would be her present if it weren’t for Jesus. A blogger, author, and co-author of Desperate: Hope for the Mom Who Needs to Breathe, she’s currently writing The Complicated Heart, a book for broken-hearted lovers of Jesus. Learn more at @thecomplicatedheart on Instagram or...

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    • Thank you so much for your honesty and for your transparency. I pray that God will continue to richly bless you as your words have truly been an encouragement to me this morning. I thought I was the only one who felt exactly like this.

        • Having suffered clinical depression in the past, and also experiencing depression second-hand through two co-workers of mine (at different times in my career), please believe this is a chemical/hormonal imbalance of your brain right now. If the first medication you try isn’t an “exact fit” for you (in other words, no improvement is being seen in a few weeks), PLEASE TRY ANOTHER. There are zillions out there, and formulated to work differently. Also, I know personally how hard it is to make yourself exercise, but even if its only walking to the mailbox and back, TRY!!!! Exercise releases endorphins, serotonin, and dopamine (which are typically the hormones your brain chemistry currently doesn’t have in sufficient quantities). Working up a sweat through exercise also helps rid your body of toxins (chemicals working against your brain’s correct chemistry). It may also be hard to believe that the LORD IS WORKING IN YOU through this trial, but HE IS!!! I didn’t understand it, myself, until decades later when my personal experience, wisdom gained, and tremendously increased faith helped my co-workers through their depression. (Claimed they couldn’t have gotten through it without me supporting and encouraging them through shared experience.) Over the years I’ve come to comprehend what a great gift my excruciating experience turned out to be. So, even if you can’t conceive of it right now, please, don’t doubt the Lord’s wisdom and love during this trial. Continue to reach out to others. Continue to ask for help and understanding. Keep turning to Scripture for reassurance and comfort. KNOW YOU ARE LOVED!!! In the meantime, I lift my prayers up, asking Him to strengthen and encourage you.

          • Very well said Annette. Everything you said is completely true. Sarah Mae, thank you for your honesty and writing about this issue. I have found in the past that if we open up more to close friends and family when they say how are you? We need to be transparent and let them know we are having a hard time right now. I did a couple of years ago and both women chimed in and said they went through depression too. God knows the reason for your troubles and we must trust that he is doing a good work in our lives. He loves us all and is working behind the scenes even when it doesn’t feel like it. I am on the rebound of finding myself again and at least now I have the thoughts to get back to hobbies that I once wasn’t interested in. I am sorry you are going through this season in your life. Please know that you are not alone. Also, be forgiving of yourself if you can’t get things done or don’t have the energy to. I pray for all who suffer from emotional/mental issues. Hugs

          • Thank you all for sharing your deep feelings and your incredible kind hearts.
            It helps so much to know that I am not alone with this struggle even though I
            know in my soul that God is with me. It just is comforting that we have each
            other as well. Thank you Sarah for opening up about depression as well as still
            knowing God is working in our lives for good. May you all feel deeply that
            we are all in His Arms. Prayers and hugs.

          • Annette is right on. Please be patience with yourself, and with your body. Give the meds time to work, and your body time to adjust. I suffered from depression for many, many years, and it’s only in hindsight that I recognize the length and depth of it. It was like walking through life wading in concrete during a thick fog, everything monumentally heavier and darker than it had to be. I went on medication 7 months ago. My medication had to be adjusted — doubled, even — and now I feel like myself . Life isn’t heavy, grey, and numb any more. I am me, the child God made me to be. God bless you for your openness and honesty, and I will be praying for you. You are not alone.

          • What a great response this is, thank you for your words, was your experience during a time with young children?

    • I am right there right now. This offers encouragement, that I am not alone and sometimes its not because of something you have done, its just is.

    • I am right there with you. Feel that way almost every day struggling with depression. I cling to every word of encouragement, prayers and God’s word to get thru my days. It helps to know I am not crazy and not alone or a bad person for feeling this way. Praying for you too.

    • You described me. I too feel the same. I have yet to tell anyone. You are brave. I did ask someone for the name of their therapist. I hesitate to call . Thank you for posting your raw, real feelings. I know I’m not alone. I know God is with me. You encourage me to step out and seek the help I know He has put in place for me. I pray. I ask God to do what only He can in each of us who are so desperate for healing. God bless you .

      • Wow Trudy- I commend you for your honesty and bravery. Make that call. Continue to step out in faith to the help he’s provided for you. You are loved.

      • Trudy,

        Please call the therapist. There is no sin in being depressed. Let God help you through this via some friends & the therapist. Depression is a real disease & there are several medications out there to help you feel normal. I will pray for you-to call the therapist & get healed in whatever way God decides!

        (((((Hugs)))))

      • I didn’t want to make the call either. I finally did, got the medication I needed, and I feel even better than my old self. It is absolutely worth it!!

    • I’m right there with you sister!! It’s been this way for months now. My burdens feel too heavy to bare and I feel like I have sunk to the bottom. If it weren’t for my son, I would have no reason to push myself to get up and do things. I have prayed so hard and so diligently for God to help me out of this. I keep waiting to wake up one day and feel better, but it hasn’t happened yet. It’s hard to find happiness in the little things when it seems the big things are crumbling around me. Thank you for saying out loud what so many of us are feeling and afraid to say.

      • I have waited so long to wake up one day and feel better and it so never happens. I thought It was just me…..thank you so much for saying that, I wish I could hug you!!

      • Robin, I feel you!
        I do not have a child (or anyone, in my life, right now) to- as you said, “have a reason to push myself to get up and do things.”… And, as a result, sometimes, I don’t. I just don’t. It’s too hard. EVERYthing is so hard!
        God bless you, Sarah Mae! Bless you all for sharing!.. I feel a little less alone!

    • I thank God for the encouraging women that are apart of this sisterhood that continue to be on the forefront of issues that we deal with daily and offer a comfortable and safe forum to share openly and honestly what we are challenged with. I struggle also but I Trust in the Lord with all my heart and try to lean not on my own understanding and in all my ways submitting to him, so he can make my paths straight.

    • Thankyou for the courage to write this! I too need a pill to help me function. I hate it! But I hate how I am without it more!

  1. I’ve been there Sarah-Mae. And yes I took a pill and it did help after about 1 week things will start to get better. God made men who made the medicine to help when needed. There is no shame in needing help, you will feel better, you will join in, you will feel alive and all those things again but you need people you can trust around you that won’t judge and if they do then their not real friends. Lean into God but also take the medicine you need then get out and exercise too and once you feel better after a good while you can come off them under your doctors supervision and slowly. It took me a long time to see there is no shame in depression or anxiety or both! Thank you for bravely sharing your story here, I hope and pray that people who need to see it will.
    If you want to chat I can send you my email? Xx

    • Yes! This is me, and I’m still recovering. Everyday I wake with expectant joy that today will be a good day but also some fear that I will feel sad or terrified or anxious or helpless for no reason other than that my mind wants to go places that I don’t want to go. It’s my heart in a battle with my mind. Sometimes my heart loses and sometimes it wins. I take my pills and I do life each day as though it is all the way it should be but parts of me are still coming back and parts of me may be gone forever. But I trust that God isn’t finished with me yet. He has good plans for me. Everyday as I draw nearer to Him, I am regaining more of what the devil stole from me. I am reclaiming the truth of who God says I am and silencing the devil’s lies. That’s all we really do on a daily basis in our minds as women. We fight insecurities and feelings of not being enough. And sometimes we feel like we are fighting against ourselves when really we are fighting against the devil and his lies that he whispers in our ears. Sometimes we crumble under the weight of it all. But a bruised reed He will not break. It bends low but it doesn’t snap. You’re going to be OK, and I’m going to be OK because we serve an awesome God!

      • It can be so excruciating at times. I actually find myself afraid to be joyful, afraid to be happy. It’s foolish I know , captive and deceitful . That dark cloak just feels so heavy that I am tempted to rest under its weight. Every bit of light I expose myself to counts, both spiritually and literally (I deal with season depression) . I’ve been reading scripture through tears, sitting on the porch in sunlight listening to music while trying to drown the whispers of defeat on my mind, and desperately trying not to fix every situation or reconcile every thought. That too is a burden .I will look to Who God is right now, in and out of any season of earth or season of soul. He alone is,worthy to occupy my mind and then I can truly rest and trust that He will, as it says in Isaiah , give me the treasures found in darkness. Never, never, never ,ever give up sisters. Ever.

    • Everything Jas said and more! What you wrote is my story. And what Jas says above is my story. The fog WILL lift. And you will be able to use these experiences to further glorify God’s name. I truly feel I was allowed to go through my “dark times” so I could better help others through it, all while ushering them to a loving God who loves them so. No experiences or feelings, even the tough ones, are lost to God’s plan or his will for our lives. Lean into that. And don’t fear the medicine. Prayers Sarah-Mae. For you and for all who fight the dark. Much love <3

    • Jessica, I wish I could find the pill that you found…..I’m so glad you found one that helped you so well. I’ve tried soooo many, new ones, old ones, mixtures, I have a wonderful Dr, but we just can’t find one. I’m tired of trying, I feel so hopeless, just unfixable (if thats a word)……

  2. Me too, my dad took his life this summer and I just can’t seem to get our from under it. I’m a Christian leader, as well as wife and mom, so the happy and content face has to stay on. I’ve been here in the past, God was good then … He is good now. Whether I get out from under it or not, He is still good. Thank you for your honesty

    • Dear Tired and Trusting. Even Christian leaders get hurt. We are not immune and it is no weakness to show that pain. It is honesty. The big difference is that we have a joy that is not dependent on our circumstances or feelings and we have a hope that is eternal. Praise God for the bigger picture.

    • I am so very sorry that you are walking through this kind of painful loss. One thing that I have learned in being a leader, is that it is ok to show grief and accept comfort from those we are leading. In fact, it is imperative not only for us but for them. When we only show a happy face to everyone while feeling like we are dying inside from grief, what we are teaching is that that is how as a Christian we are to deal with hardships. To stuff it all inside and act like everything is just fine. Vulnerability and transparency are keys to healing, allowing the Lord to minister to you through those He has placed in your sphere of influence is part of healing. I encourage you today to call a sister in Christ and be vulnerable and transparent. Ask her to pray with you and tell her you need fellowship right now. I am praying for you. <3

  3. Thank you for your words. They shine light, even if what you see/feel/think is darkness. Please believe that. God can and will move powerfully WITH you, not despite you. You are still just as valuable to him, moreso because He is invited in to work through you.

  4. I’m there right now too. I’ve always struggled with anxiety (that was pretty well controlled when I was on medication and then I stopped taking it)- but in the past couple years depression has hit hard and I can’t fix it. I am also on a medication again- which used to help immensely; now for some reason, it’s not helping like it used to. So I try to live life- and that really is all we can do. We pray, we follow the Lord, do our best to be obedient to His calling…and pray God takes this thorn from our side.

    It did help me to know that other prominent Christians struggle too. Thank you for posting.

  5. I picked up my help in a bottle yesterday. I echo your concerns and your situation! Praying for you! <3

  6. Sarah Mae, Thank you for your honesty and thank you for allowing yourself to be vulnerable. You are braver and stronger than you realize. Desert experiences are so difficult, but more common than most realize. They are also very precious. Leaning into God’s arms, totally dependent on him refines us like nothing else. I, too, sought medical help. It helped for a short time. I also read and reread Dr. Seus’ book, The Places You Will Go. Simplistic, maybe, but I just needed to remind myself that what I was experiencing was a normal part of life. Elijah, Abraham, David, Paul, Job and even our Lord Jesus, all experienced ‘The Desert’! I remember, just a few months ago when I sat alone in my closet floor and cried out to God, “Enough!!! I don’t want to live like this anymore! Please lift the cloud. Dry my tears and return to me the joy of my salvation. You promised it in your word and am thanking you right now that you do not lie, but are faithful to keep your promises. Amen”. He heard my prayers, and answered them. He is faithful and loves you more than you can ever imagine. Praying for you, SarahMae!!!

  7. I read these every day, and this is the first time I’ve left a reply… this was beautiful! God bless you…

  8. There are more of us then you think – we just seem to think its something to hide. I AM NOT BROKEN – He just made my brain a little differently. Amazingly He also has blessed researchers with the skills and knowledge to develop medication to address the differences. Not unlike insulin for those who’s body can’t produce their own. Understanding that depression is not something I can control and that I need help to learn to live in this skin is where HE has lead me. My Father has supplied me with the ability to recognize and manage my illness. It has also gifted me with deep empathy and insight into the differences between us. I also know its hard to see the end when you feel like you’re swimming in a barrel of molasses. This is a hard time of year for many but please know HE is there to hear your cries and to comfort you while you walk this path.

  9. Oh, I’ve been there. It felt hopeless, but God was faithful ans didn’t leave me there. It’s so sad to read how many feel the same right now. I just want to say that keep seeking Him for an answer. Cause everyone who knows Him trusts in Him, so He must be trustworthy.

    I just yesterday saw this video and it really sounds a lot like your situation. I like it below if you
    want to see it. Praying for you all! ❤

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=X4OAsxUJx2M

    • “From the end of the earth I call to You, when my heart is overwhelmed and weak;
      Lead me to the rock that is higher than I [a rock that is too high to reach without Your help].

      For You have been a shelter and a refuge for me,
      A strong tower against the enemy.”

      • These verses are what I have read over and over in my chronic struggle with depression and anxiety (I take medication, but it doesn’t fully help).

        • I just happened to read that verse yesterday . Just one link more!
          https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=OiirKDvMjNY (Kari Jobe – the garden). This song gave me hope.
          Oh how I long to encourage everyone of you struggling cause I have already been given so much victory in my own struggles with depression, anxiety etc. It just has happened without me even noticing…until now.

  10. Sarah Mae, You are not alone. I chose to take a huge transition this year in my business and really simplify my life. As I sit here in November, it is still a struggle and my anxiety to depression has kicked in. I think a lot of women are still playing “fine” and look at how “perfect I am” syndrome. We need more of conversations like this to uplift, inspire one another as we face God to deepen our relationship with Him.
    I send you love in hopes you are feeling better.

    • We need TONS more conversations like this. I feel better having just joined in this conversation a half hour ago and realizing I’m not crazy, and I’m not alone. Just when I thought God was silent and not paying any attention, He sent me this devotion this morning and all you wonderful ladies.

      • Beth, Here is exactly what I would love in my life: A monthly connection call with women via Zoom and we bring it all to the table. I so love this (in)courage blog but I feel a greater need to do a face to face monthly greet. Just women, like the ones in the bible! 🙂

          • LOL with you not at you! 😉 Zoom is a platform where people globally can log into from computer and we can each other. It is free! So I need a way to privately reach out to you and we can get this going, especially with the holidays coming…

          • Kim – I just sent you my email address via your contact form on your website. I love your website btw and want to check it out more fully later on when I have time!

  11. This. Oh, my how I am in this box. My box is also under a dark gray cloud and it feels like the air has being sucked out suffocating me. Others say I’m to needy for them and they need time and distance away. They only make me feel worse.
    Stumbling around, anxious, fearful, worried, and paranoid about everything. Seeking hope, peace, faith, courage, and joy. I beg and plead in prayer, but relief does not come. I’m still in the box.

    • Tracy,
      Give yourself the best gift and seek help. You don’t have to live like this. I was so hesitant to seek help, but so thankful I did. My brain needs medicine to function properly and to not live under the perpetual gray cloud. Seek medical help and counseling help if you can. God does use doctors and medicine to help restore healing and wholeness….I know, I’m living testimony. Praying for you sweet sister,
      Blessings,
      Bev xx

  12. OMGosh….You are ME. I am YOU. I feel all this and more too….I have an appt. tomorrow morning hoping for help in a pill but feeling isolated as to WHY I can’t get out of this “funk” on my own. Why do I need help from a pill when ~ and it may sound cliche~ others seem to have happiness oozing out and mine is so forced/fake.

    This affects everything I do and my family too. Thanks for sharing…

    • Kathy – I feel exactly the same as you do. I have never, ever been a depressed person, but situations going on in life right now are huge (read – little kids/little problems. big kids/big problems). Let’s pray for each other, okay? PS- It sounds like there are a LOT of us that feel this way- Praise God for Sarah Mae opening this Pandora’s box so we could finally all talk about it.

    • Tracy,
      Give yourself the best gift and seek help. You don’t have to live like this. I was so hesitant to seek help, but so thankful I did. My brain needs medicine to function properly and to not live under the perpetual gray cloud. Seek medical help and counseling help if you can. God does use doctors and medicine to help restore healing and wholeness….I know, I’m living testimony. Praying for you sweet sister,
      Blessings,
      Bev xx

  13. Thank you for this. I could have written every word….I cried like a baby reading every word. As soon as you got to the part that says, “Everyone else…..” I completely lost it. I didn’t even need to read what came next, because I’ve been feeling weaker, more vulnerable, less-than “everyone else” for quite a while now. I feel like “everyone else” is happier, stronger, healthier, more together, fill-in-the-blank. I feel I am not who I used to be, even in the recent past. I cannot seem to find happiness anywhere. There are major life situations and changes going on in our home and I’m having a hard time getting out from under them or finding a way with God through them. He seems so silent in these situations that have been going on for quite a while. Thank you for writing down my thoughts better than I could ever could have, thereby encapsulating in print how I feel, and by doing so making me feel a little less crazy. I thought I was the only one who felt this way.

    • Sarah Mae,
      I am where you are as well. I lost my brother in June and my Mom in July. My pastor and his wife, my very close friends, moved 3 hours away. The losses has left me whelmed. I recently joined a Christian based grief group and it has helped me come out of the fog. I still get anxious, which I understand is normal. Whatever normal is these days. I am not sure I will ever be normal again. But I know Jesus walks with me through each day and we weeps when I weep and he hurts when I hurt. But he does not try to hurry me out of this. His love assures me that I am loved an accepted by Him, just as I am.

      Praise God,
      Karen

  14. I can no longer say “Me too.” A time ago depression was a constant companion. I was delivered and it took time to be lead out by the Shepherd of my soul. Crying out to Him continually. He heard and answered my cries. Praying His word directly(Psalms and other passages or verses) and literally surrounding myself (screen savers, index cards with scripture written on it & taped everywhere, playing somgs that sang His word). It was the balm, filler, and light and sword that broke the bondage and lead me to freedom. I pray the peace of The Father surrounds you as His countenance is turned towards you as He is walking with you His hand covering your’s.

    A couple of scripture I prayed:  Hear my voice when I call, Lord;be merciful to me and answer me. My heart says of you, “Seek his face!”Your face, Lord, I will seek. Do not hide your face from me,do not turn your servant away in anger;you have been my helper.Do not reject me or forsake me,God my Savior. Though my father and mother forsake me,the Lord will receive me. Teach me your way, Lord;lead me in a straight pathbecause of my oppressors. Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,for false witnesses rise up against me,spouting malicious accusations. I remain confident of this:I will see the goodness of the Lordin the land of the living. Wait for the Lord;be strong and take heartand wait for the Lord. – Psalm 27:7-14 http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm27:7-14&version=NIV

    Psalms 25(?) To you oh Lord I put my trust. Oh my God I trust in you….

    One of the songs from my playlist:
    Ronen Shalom John 3:16
    Ronen Shalom album Songs of the bride

    • Thank you for this comment, Leticia. One thing I have been thinking is that I do not take much time to care for myself, spiritually. This is part of the reason I feel empty and come up short when tough times linger. I love what you said you did – surrounding yourself with Scripture, songs, reminders, even screen savers! You are SO wise! I believe the devil would like nothing more for me to watch TV after a long day rather than surround myself with things of the Lord. Thanks for your encouragement – it has helped me.

  15. Thank you for your courage to post such a vulnerable, honest, and powerful reflection. As another commenter said, I too pray your words reach anyone in need of hearin your message and that they too see the hope you have in the love of God carrying you through this weary time. My prayers are with you.

  16. Me, too, sweet sister. Me, too. And oh the guilt I feel for being sad and anxious and tired and apathetic, because … Jesus girl. As if that would make me immune. Thank you for your transparency. While I hate that you feel this way too, it surely does help me to know that I’m not alone. Praying for you.

    • Probably one reason so many christians are battling with depression etc is that the enemy is so afraid of our potential to find out who we are in Him and to be set free by the truth that He really takes effort to destroy that. Fortunately, Jesus has already won Him and these struggles won’t ever change the truth!

  17. Your description is so accurate. I am right there with you. Fall is usually a time when I feel energetic and happy, but not this year. I am falling farther and farther behind in my responsibilities, but I don’t care and I hate that I don’t care. It is a terrible, lonely place. I believe that I will come out of the box, but not sure how to find the way out or how long it will take. Prayers that you find your way out quickly.

  18. Thank you for being so open and honest! I have been there! We did eventually find a prescription that helps me to feel “normal” again. Like myself again. At the time, though, too many people told me I needed to pray more, read more scripture, “just think positive”, as if it was only a matter of trying harder.

  19. Hi Sarah, my name is Sarah too. Over a month ago I heard a dare whispered to my heart, “Can you be Real?” Maybe you heard that dare too? There is so much risk in showing up just as you are, because how in the world can that be enough? I mean, I’m a stay at home Mom with one kid and I just turned 40 … how is it that there is so little on my resume? Thank you for sharing your raw and real. It gives the rest of us courage to show up too.

  20. Sarah-Mae, your post this morning was just the thing I needed as I resisted getting out of bed this morning-again. I laid there wondering if I would ever not feel tired, sleepy, weary again. I clearly identify with the words you used for the season I am in.
    I am taking a pill too and it helps. But mostly I put my hope in Jesus and remember that he knows just what I am feeling. He knows my daily striving. He knows my name and I can trust in his love for me. If not for Jesus, where would I go?
    I will hold you in my prayers and feel comforted to know that I’m not the only one with this thorn. I get it. May we bring glory to God in all things and be obedient to the path he takes us on. Be encouraged today as you have been to me and others who read your courageous post.

  21. Sarah,

    I struggle with anxiety and depression as you do. Some days/weeks/months are harder than others…this week I have been struggling. Snapping for no reason…I take that little pill too. It helps tremendously it does but sometimes I still cannot escape that little glass box. I needed to read this, this week. I needed to see that God still loves me even when I feel like I am drowning in myself.

    Thank you, from the bottom of my heart for these words.

    Best and all of mine,

    Kaleigh Penrod

  22. This is completely where I am at right now in my life. You are not alone! I have been reading and writing and praying and being of service; my schedule is so full that I barely have time to breathe. Most days I feel like I’m drowning. I finally made the decision to attend some therapy sessions, which I start next week, so I hope they will help. But I completely empathize with you. The desire to isolate is so prevalent lately. I often feel hopeless and just work on renewing my faith, but oftentimes that only gets me so far. Thank you so very much for your message. It’s comforting to know that I am also not alone and am so similar to many of my sisters in Christ.

    Please feel free to contact me for my email and we can talk anytime.
    Blessings to you and yours!

    • I’ve followed you for so long and read your books, so I feel like I know you already. And I love you, today! And I’m praying for you today, and somedays, I know how you feel.. then other days I’m okay. And this is life, and we all feel this way, and this is normal, even though it seems abnormal to us all! We are homesick and living in a world we were not created for, and somedays the homesickness gets the best of us.. but thankfully we are created for a world so different than this one, that we feel out of place all of the time. Praying for you friend! Thank you for always, always being honest! Love you!

  23. This was me a few years ago. I cried as I took my first antidepressant and all the way to work. I felt I wasn’t trying hard enough to lean on God to get better on my own, but I was reminded of the tools He provides us. I heard this song for the first time on that drive. https://youtu.be/CsjZ94K7UQs We are not alone!

  24. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your story. May God bless you in this. I am going through the same thing, and your words could have been copied from my journal. It seems hard to describe to others, but you have been able to convey it wonderfully. I have had my prescription for one month. It seems to allow me to gather my thoughts better, refocus them, and give me breathing room to think clearly. I am a little more productive too! 🙂
    Thank you!

  25. Sarah Mae,
    I’m late to the party….but I just want to reassure you that depression and chronic anxiety are illnesses – not flaws in your character, not spiritual shortcomings, not a lack of faith. And, taking medicine doesn’t make you a different person, it helps restore you to the person you were meant to be. You have a chemical imbalance which causes what you are experiencing. I know because I have dealt with and lived with depression and anxiety for most of my life. I know the feeling of someone asking you to pour a bowl of cereal and it sounds like they are saying go climb Mt. Everest….I get it.

    A Counselor once gave me an analogy that helped me. Think of God as the Coach of a football team (you’re on the team). The Bible is His playbook. You need to get to the field to practice and listen to the Coach. The problem is that you are so weary….so depleted….so deep down in the pit that you can’t even pull yourself out of the mucky pit and get to the field so that you can join the practice and the team and hear Him speak to you through His playbook – the Bible. You need to be able to get to the field.

    I found that medicine enabled me to finally be who God intended me to be. It enabled me to get to the field and be able to hear God’s Word and actually apply it. It made me feel like I could actually participate in practice – in Life. Medicine coupled with Christian counseling made all the difference. Not that I don’t ever had breakthrough episodes – I do, but I am not in the dark place wearing the gray glasses anymore. I so want wholeness for you….it is possible. And, you know what, as I have been on the medicine for many years and have really been able to digest and hear and apply God’s Word, I have been able to cut back on the levels of my medicine. I accept that like a diabetic needs insulin, my mental illness requires medicine to correct the chemical imbalance in my brain. I am no less than and neither are you…
    Love and ((Hugs)),
    Bev xoxo

    • What a great story about a coach, playing field and the Bible as the play book. Thank you for making feel me better about dealing with depression and anxiety. For so long I have felt that I should be able to just shake things off. Thank you for sharing.
      Kathy

  26. I have so been there and understand. Be brave, dear Sarah! God will get you through. Giving the meds a chance is step 1. If they don’t help or you don’t like how you feel on them, get ahold of me and I can talk you through the natural supplements I used to get out of my own box/fog. It’s been a couple years now.

  27. My help in a bottle doesn’t seem to be helping. It’s been years. Years. I want to enjoy my life, my family, my blessings. I can’t get out from under these feelings. It’s nice to know I’m not alone but I wish you were here so we could cry together and understand one another.

    • My heart goes out to you! And I can empathize with anyone who is drowning in a sea of sadness. No one understands why you feel as you do. Some who are insensitive say things like, “How can you be so sad when you are so blessed?” It has nothing to do with whether you are blessed or not, and it cannot be explained to where it would make any sense to anyone who has never gone through it. Only the Father can heal that broken place in us, and He is faithful to do it. Stay close to Him no matter how you feel. I have prayed for you, as I know others who have read your comment will also.

  28. Thank you for your post. I too struggle with where you are and have since the birth of my second child, she is now 16. I take medicine everyday. I have said for years we as women just keep going, keep smiling, being what people expect us to be and the entire time we are dying, crying and screaming on the inside just to be truly seen. Our culture is turning and realizing that depression, anxiety and other mental health issues are not a weakness of the person and will not just go away. Do not lose hope Sarah you will feel better but take your medicine, talk to a therapist, and take some time just for you. And on those bad days try to remember you are Beloved by a father who knows exactly where you are.

  29. Wow, just wow…that is amazing! You put into words what a lot of people can’t! I am not in that particular situation, but I do feel overwhelmed with all the responsibility I have. I don’t feel like I get much help. It is also very hard for me to ask for help. I feel like I should be able to do it all and then when it is bedtime, I fall asleep and then wake up not feeling like it is enough. I need to learn to manage my time better and ask for others to help me. Thanks for being honest and opening your heart to all of us!! I will say a prayer for you!! God bless you!!
    Dawn

  30. Dear Sarah-Mae…I am 69 and have been where you are, where you even dread a new day, where you’d rather stay asleep than be awake, where it is difficult to even get through one more day. Yes, it IS being weary of soul, so sad of life that you cry out for the Father to just take you home! I can identify with every symptom. But I found that staying in God’s Word and praying (yes, it was a chore I had to drag myself through), and my faithfulness and sheer desperation helped me to finally see how the Father was able to break through that mental and emotional fog I was immersed in. It came slowly and almost imperceptibly. But before I even realized what was happening, I found I could make it through the day, then the week, then the month. These desert places are meant to drive us into our Father’s arms, but sometimes we find ourselves so bound by what we are experiencing that the best we can do is try to put one foot in front of the other. But I promise you, it does get better, and before you know it, life is good again. I pray the Father will show you His grace and mercy as you remain faithful to Him even in that desert place. Blessings to you!

    • Wow- this – “These desert places are meant to drive us into our Father’s arms, but sometimes we find ourselves so bound by what we are experiencing that the best we can do is try to put one foot in front of the other.” Can I get an amen? That is so my life right now. Thank you for those words!!!!!

  31. I just discussed this exact topic with a friend this past week. Thank you for encouraging me and sharing your story. I don’t feel so weird now and I’m going to check with my doctor. I want to live life abundantly like the Lord intends and right now, I’m stuck and I just can’t.

  32. Thank you for your courage to share. I am there now. Everyday it is a struggle to function. However, I kind of know where mine’s is coming from. I am in the middle of a separation, probably leading to divorce (not my choosing). I didn’t realize how much it has drained me this last year. And slowly, everyday, I feel as if it’s taking who I was away. As I sit in my office now, I wonder will I ever be that person again. I feel ashamed and embarrassed for how I feel and not having the energy I used to have so I keep pushing, but even the “pushing” feels in slow motion. It’s a part of me on the inside that wants to be free, laugh, and move and enjoy my life. But there is a huge part of me that is just crushing that part and I don’t know how to make it stop.

    Your story is an encouragement to me today. Just what I needed. It reminds me that no matter where I am, God has me covered and He still and will always love me be right by my side. Your story has also encouraged me to step out on faith and talk to someone and not be ashamed for not having “it all together” and needing help.

  33. This is important. Important for those of us who understand this, who LIVE it AND still love Jesus and follow Him and seek Him daily. Important because for many of us who live in this glass box, often feel shame. Christians shouldn’t deal with this or at least should be able to overcome it. But we are living testimony that you CAN live with this and persevere through it clinging to Jesus and still be a follower of Christ. Seasons of suffering bring us to the knees of our Savior who suffered. Many of the Psalms speak of seasons of melancholy, depression and suffering, but there is one Psalm that ministered to me one Sunday. It is Psalm 88. It is dark. It is sad. It is fractured and it doesn’t end on a high note. And those of us who have lived this can relate! The best part of Psalm 88? In the midst of this great darkness, the believer still cries out, he doesn’t give up. It’s dark, it’s hard but we still come to the Father and believe that He will raise us again, He will bring us back to LIFE again.

  34. Sarah I have been feeling deeper and deeper this exact weariness and overwhelmed feeling this week.
    I too am afraid of the medication, though my Mom and sister think I would have much greater peace. My sister takes a pill and it has changed her life for the better.
    Thank you for your vulnerability and yes, “me too”.
    Praying with you today.
    -Tammy

  35. Thank you so much for sharing your story! I feel the same way! I know in my head that I should be happy – I have a wonderful husband, two beautiful daughters, am planning a wedding for my oldest, own our own home, have a great job & while we are not rich by any means, we make a good living. The problem is all that doesn’t seem to matter. I have to force myself to do Anything at all! I should be enjoying my girls & the upcoming wedding and so much more. I have taken medication before & it helped but have been putting off getting back on it because I just hate to take medication. Thanks to your post, I think I’m ready to see my doctor again. Thank you & I pray that you feel better real soon!

  36. There have been several times in my life, even after choosing to dedicate my life to Christ several years ago, that I have felt this exact way. It comes and goes–coming in seasons of doubt where I don’t feel that I’m accomplishing my goals and have no idea what my purpose is and going when I’ve spent several, several days if not weeks praying and reading and seeking prayer from my community. That’s not to say that these things are what you need to do personally, or anything of the sort, just that that has been my own experience.
    I want to let you know, Sarah, that I stand with you (spiritually) in the box. You are not alone, and many in this community are feeling exactly the same. Currently I do not, but I know where you’re coming from and I know how hard it cane be to get out (the first time I was in it, I was in it for nearly six years). But know that by prayer and petition, I am with you, and I will be asking the Lord to help you out from in and under this isolating box. You are strong and brave, you are a daughter of the Living God, a Princess of the One True King. And as your sisters, we are here for you.

  37. Prayers going up for you. Sometimes life is hard and we all need to stand in the gaps for one another. Peace be unto you.

  38. God is so great. I can’t tell you how much I needed to read this today. I am right there in this same place. I recently left my abusive husband of 13 years, I am moving myself and my kids this weekend-practically by myself, and I am hanging on to my job by a thread. Every day I try to turn to God, but I always feel that my efforts are never enough. However, I know I would have never had the strength to do what I have done without Him. My decision one year ago to renew my faith and my relationship with Jesus has truly been my saving Grace. As is Sarah’s bio, my past would be my present if it weren’t for Jesus. And I’m just getting started. Thank you Sarah, for your open honesty. I’m quite certain I am not the only person you will touch with your words today.

  39. Sarah Mae,
    I am with you as I recall the past year of darkness while in severe depression, which I’ve battled for 30 yrs., but never to the extreme I experienced last year. I’m so glad you’ve seen a doctor and gotten an Rx. It may be that this first pill won’t work, but persevere in finding what helps (it may be a combo of prescription meds) and please be sure part of your treatment includes having a counselor who is a believer; as such s/he will help you to challenge your thinking & expose the enemy’s lies. If you need to remain on medication, please accept that and thank God there is something that helps. If you read Sheila Walsh’s books you will see how some of us must continue with meds just as diabetics do, and there is NO shame and NO condemnation in doing so. Encourage your loved ones to read about clinical depression so you have support as you walk through this, and hold on to the hope we have in Christ Jesus, even when you don’t feel as if you can. He loves us even when we are barely holding on, @ later you will see how He never left your side. I will be remembering you in prayer, loving you & trusting the One Who will redeem even this.

  40. Sarah Mae,
    I’m sorry for what you are going through, and for everyone else that is too. I hope this might be of some help.
    2 Samuel, 22:29
    You, Lord are my lamp; the Lord turns my darkness into light.
    I pray that His light shines through you, and lifts your spirit up.
    Blessings to all,
    Penny

  41. Sarah Mae,
    Your story is mine so much of the time and you don’t know how much your story gives me hope. Not hope that I will all of a sudden be the person I think I should be, but the hope that I am loved no less for the person I am. I take the “pill” too and go through all the feelings and thoughts that surround it.
    My devotional this morning was Bonnie Gray “Whispes of Rest” day 39 about your story. Tell your story and all the hard, sad, real parts. Don’t edit it so others will have a false image. Make it the real so people will know hope is possible and real.
    Bless you, my friend. You are Beloved!

  42. Girl, sometimes it is too much. When we come to the end of ourselves then we can finally reach out and ask for the help we need. We can’t do it all. We were not created to do it all. I too have been there where you currently are and change has HAD to happen to break the cycle. There is no shame in getting help, receiving help, and being helped. I am so proud of you for speaking up for you. Work with your Dr and maybe even Christian mental health care professionals to find the balance that you need. There is no shame in either. It’s time to take care of you. This current state is not your norm. It too shall pass with proper care and attention. Hope is a lovely thing.
    Love and hugs.

  43. I just poured my heart out to Jesus about you. Don’t even know you but heart is full of so much compassion for you. I’ve been where you are. I didn’t know how, if, when it would ever end. But it did. And He is still healing and working and making all things work for my good. I do know this is something you are walking through, it is not your final destination. Depression and anxiety are not your final portion. I don’t know why you are going through this but I do know you are so LOVED. And wanted. Your name is bouncing around the walls of heaven and the Father’s heart as Jesus makes intercession for you and we all join in with Him. There is no shame here. There is no condemnation. You can trust Him even here.

  44. Thank all of you for your open honesty. I understand completely. I relate to Laticia. Speaking God’s Word, meditating in His Word, believing His Word is for me. That I am loved, treasured, and valued as are all of you. Just speaking those 3 words begin to lift the darkness that wants to control. No, Cool. 1:13 “God has delivered us from the power of darkness and has translated us into the kingdom of the Son of His love, in Whom we have redemption”. What a powerful scripture. Praying for all of you

    • Sorry, it is Colossians 1:13. Also, standing on the truth, I am the righteousness of God in Christ. 2 Cor. 5:17 “Wherefore if anyone is in Christ, he IS a new creature: the old things are passed away; BEHOLD THEY ARE BECOME NEW.”

  45. Thanks for sharing so vulnerably. I’m sure you are not alone.

    My husband just had bypass surgery the day before yesterday (five bypasses), and it all happened so quickly. It’s hard, but things are going well, and we are thankful. If it weren’t for my faith and the love, support and help of those who care, it would seem impossible. I’m sure there will be many more difficult moments ahead, but step by step we’ll get there…..and He will not abandon us. I’m so thankful for God’s people in their various forms, sent as “angels” in hard times.

    So right now I’m OK, but I may not be every day. Praying for you to find the help, comfort, peace, strength, and eventually joy that you so need and deserve. I know he will send you the help you need. He is faithful and will do it.

  46. Oh my goodness, I feel exactly the same way! Thank you for being transparent and writing this post. It helps to know I am not the only one who is struggling like this right now. I have felt so alone in my struggle. I am generally very outgoing and enjoy life, so I have been quite frustrated with myself for not being able to shake this and move on. It has truly been a roller-coaster ride of emotions lately. I have a doctor’s appointment at the end of this month, and if things aren’t any better by then, I plan on talking with her about my options. I really don’t want to go on medication, but I’m so tired of feeling this way and may need it for a while until my emotions (or hormones) are under control. Thanks again for being honest about your struggle!

  47. Thank you so much for sharing this! God led me right to it this AM. Ian in constant physical pain and it wears me out. I cling to 2 Corinthians 4:7-9 and today v14-16. We tend to put others on pedastils and think we have to live up to what others think. I am also on a ton of mess and sick of being a slave to them. But I know without them I would be worse.
    I am a ministry servant of Joni and Friends which gives me such joy and the love I feel from my JAF family keeps me going. On Monday I hosted almost 20 servants/family members of the ministry and it was a glorious spirit filled time. But it left me worn out and feeling like a wrung out towel. other physical matters are adding to my not wanting to do anything but I must. Tonight I am to be at a banquet out of state for JAF Nw England. I so want to just stay home and veg!
    But by God s grace and strength I am going with my beloved husband who literally cares for me physically. In many ways he gives me strength too.
    Mae and others…I thank you for your words of encouragement and being able to relate. I pray we will ALL Press On in Jesus s love ❤️
    Ps whenever I am struggling God gives me rainbows all around my kitchen where I spend my time with Him. It’s been very gloomy thus far but guess what I am seeing! Tiny and I know it is His way of encouraging me to go on! May He give you LOTS today!
    In sisterhood,
    Cindy

  48. For some reason the rainbow Emoji s did not show on my post.
    But I do pray for God to give you Your Sign from Him that He is with you and encouraging you to PRESS ON in Him!❤️️

  49. Me too weary soul … life is hard and it really hurts sometimes . But there is hope … praying for you and me and others that are weary today

  50. I’ve followed you for so long and read your books, so I feel like I know you already. And I love you, today! And I’m praying for you today, and somedays, I know how you feel.. then other days I’m okay. And this is life, and we all feel this way, and this is normal, even though it seems abnormal to us all! We are homesick and living in a world we were not created for, and somedays the homesickness gets the best of us.. but thankfully we are created for a world so different than this one, that we feel out of place all of the time. Praying for you friend! Thank you for always, always being honest! Love you!

  51. Thank you so much for your honesty and transparency. I so needed this reminder that I am not the only one who feels this way. Some days are harder than others but you gave me such encouragement by summarizing exactly how I feel and validating that I’m not the only one who has days like this and that this is bigger than me. That’s why we have a big, strong, loving Heavenly Father that we can turn to for His strength and peace when we can’t do it on our own.

    You have been such a blessing to me today and I sincerely thank you.
    Robin

  52. I can’t even convey with words how much I needed to read this. This. Is. Me. I can’t shake it. And each time I think I’ve beat it, I’m wrong. My counselor told me, “I hear everything you are saying and it just doesn’t sound like your life is in shambles” But it can feel like it with each undone dish, each unpaid bill, late bed time, each pile of papers on the dining room table I can’t seem to get through. It’s all so overwhelming. And I’ve been asking myself, where do I go from here?

  53. Most precious and beloved sisters in Christ, you are never alone! He who began a good work in you is faithful to complete it until the day of Christ Jesus! If He is for us, who can be against us? His ways are not our ways. He is teaching us to trust Him in all things. Cast your cares upon Him, He cares for you! We have an advocate with the Father; come boldly to His throne of grace in your time of need! There is no affliction that our Lord does not know or has not suffered Himself. His grace IS sufficient to see us through, when we ‘feel’ it and when we don’t. That is truth from here to eternity! He brings beauty out of the ashes. He lifts us up on eagle’s wings. We are beloved children of the most high God! He delights in us and cares abundantly for us! Look up sisters, for our redemption is nearer now than when we first believed! Not one tear, bit of despair or sorrow is in vain. Just as He raised our glorious Savior, He has raised us. Praying for all of you who are suffering in this way! May He grow us in ‘real knowledge and all discernment’, so that we may be comforted by His precious promises. In our Saviors amazing love, grace and mercy and for His glory!!!

    P.S. I’ve been there and am still going through dark days as you all, as a wife and stay at home mother of 6 little ones, but the clouds have begun to lift. With us it is impossible, but with Him all things are possible!
    Grace, peace, prayers and love in Christ to each and every one of you!!❤

  54. Oh, Sarah Mae…you are so brave and your heart is beautiful! Thank you for sharing it with us today, and letting us know we’re not alone…and even though we know God is always with us, and to link arms with other sisters is such a sweet balm for our weary souls. Thank you for reminding us that like other health conditions that require medication, so is anxiety and depression. Because it’s not as easily seen on lab results, there is such a shame attached with it, and that is so wrong and sad. <3 Praying for you as you lean hard in to Jesus, and rest in Him during this season of hard. You are not alone, friend! <3

  55. Thank you for being brave enough to write that. I can so relate. I have been on medicine for years and had a hard time at first accepting it, tried to come off of it, and finally realized it is ok to be on medicine. I still need jesus more than ever but that’s what he wants of course!

    • same sort of story here. I’ll probably have to choose to either take medicine my whole life or suffer. I wasted so much time already suffering and trying to fix it any other way other than medication…and for me, nothing worked…so I choose the medication. I don’t like it but I accept it.

  56. Thank you so much for your honesty and courage, Sarah Mae. There have been many times in my own life when I’ve felt the same way. And I’ve seen many of my friends struggle, too. It’s so good to know we’re not alone. That this life is filled with many moments when we wonder if there is something wrong with us because it feels like a battle instead of a blessing. Talking about it as you have here – openly and with ample grace – is one of the best ways I know to get through. I’m also thankful that God has seen fit to equip the medical minds of our world with the discoveries in medications that can help us along. And sitting at the feet of Jesus, allowing ourselves to rest as He ministers to our weary hearts, is the biggest help of all. Sending you many blessings and prayers.

  57. Yes, I feel like this a lot. Not right now, but more often than I’d care to admit even to myself. Thank you for sharing!

  58. This has been me for going on 3 weeks. Thinking of seeing a counselor, scared they will recommend pills too . Mental illness has my mother and my sister. I am 43 and just now feeling concerned about this lingering depression. Thank you for sharing and writing. I too am in hiding–I am fine at work, but I don’t want to put myself out there for anything else, just go home and hide.

    • Thank you so much. My pain physical started after I lost my husband. Going on six years and know how blessed I am but most days I am in severe pain somewhere in my body. I have friends who love me and grown kids and grandkids who love me but this just is not where I thought I would be at this time in my life. Hope y

  59. Thank you so much for sharing! That’s exactly where I am. I needed to hear that I am not alone in my glass box. I am still loved, still enough and still a person of worth.

  60. Thank you, Sarah! I have felt very similar in recent days (and times in the past too). I feel ashamed because I know I should be joyful for God’s Saving grace and so many blessings. The truth is, though, that we live in a broken world, and we shouldn’t feel surprised that sometimes our bodies and minds get sick in the filth. I’m thankful that one day these tears will stop forever.

  61. I’m so thankful you had the courage to write this; I can relate to all that you said. It’s comforting to know there are other Christian women who feel the same things I do.

  62. Oh my goodness – there are a lot of comments here! I fully understand where you are coming from. It takes a lot of prayer and reading the scriptures and also talking about your spiritual walk with someone you love (your husband?) who can offer encouragement – or perhaps another Christian woman who truly understands what you are going through.

    Though I understand the need for some people to take medication, I would rather go the natural way with supplements. If that is something you are interested in, please contact me. Good supplements and also a constant walk with the Lord is key. Christian counseling with your pastor’s wife may be a good idea, if you haven’t already thought of that.

    Thank you for sharing your innermost thoughts. It takes a lot of guts to do that publicly. Please let me know if you’d like information on plant-based natural supplements that can help with anxiety – among a lot of other things that it’s great for – overall health.

  63. I read your post this morning as I was preparing to head out the door to an appointment with my trauma counsellor. (I have complex PTSD and am also recovering from a TBI) I found myself reading quickly through the many responses and thinking how obviously your vulnerability enabled others to find their voices. Even more voices have echoed in since then. I applaud your bravery (ALL of you). I know how hard it is to risk being real but I am also finding out the healing that can come when we do. One resource that brought some light into my darkest moments was the book Hope Prevails by Dr. Michelle Bengston.

  64. Hello Sarah – as you’ve seen in the comments there are a lot of people supporting you and that is so good. I’ve dealt with depression all my life (I’m 62 now), done counseling and meds off & on for the last 20+ years. Would have done that a lot sooner but as a young person I didn’t really understand that there was help available. Anyway, I can so relate to how you’ve been feeling. I felt so guilty back in the day as a “Christian” needing help … “that kind of help”. I saw a Christian counselor for many years and she helped me understand that this problem is no different than needing help for arthritis or any other physical ailment and that Jesus was with me in it all. And yes, Jesus is with you in it all – no matter how long it takes or messy it seems. Don’t give up. Also, just want to say to not be discouraged if the particular med you are taking doesn’t work. This treatment is far from an exact science and sometimes it takes trying different meds but I’m here to say from experience it is worth the hassle and the work and energy to find the right one. I feel good and I want to do things and I do. That was a huge accomplishment for me and I know you will be alright too because Jesus is in it all for you…all of the details… and no one understands like He does. Take heart, Sarah. It will get better. God bless you!

  65. Sarah, thank you so much for sharing your heart. By doing so you have touched my heart greatly. Praying for you sister in Christ and all who feel this way. I know I have felt this way before. Your faith is so beautiful. God is always with you and our Jesus will never let go of your hand. Blessings and love to you ❤️❤️

    “For I know the plans I have for you. Declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

    May God bless you always ❤️

  66. Sarah Mae…You described so perfectly what I currently feel like and have felt like for way too many years of my life. I can’t add anything to your post except to say I am so sorry and sad that you and all the rest of us who feel trapped under our glass boxes have to struggle with whatever this is (our “thorn”?). I now realize I am not alone even though it often seems like I am. However, we do love God and we know He loves us. We do have faith and are obedient as much as possible. I’m slowly learning (although it’s hard) that how I feel is not a sin and I am not defective like I keep telling myself . My heart belongs to Jesus and He loves me unconditionally. Like you said, for us, it just “is”. For you and all my other sisters in Christ out there who can relate to your open heart and precious honesty, may we lift each other up in prayer, daily. God knows us better than we know ourselves. Perhaps we’ll all find healing from the weariness in our souls; if not on this earth, for sure, we will in heaven. God bless you for sharing your heart. I am right there with you and you are not alone in this.

    Cindy

  67. Sarah Mae, once again you have reached out and deeply touched me with your words. Thank you for your honesty and transparency. I pray that God blesses you.
    I have felt quite similar to how you have described, particularly in the past six months. My mom died very unexpectedly in her sleep on April 27. She was 62. Most days since then I’ve felt far from “okay.” Most other people don’t understand how much pain I feel, after all, I still have my husband and children. Maybe I’m just extra weak, but losing my mom has totally changed me. Your line “it feels like drowning, and trying to swim is just too hard” is exactly how I feel.

  68. To Sara Mae and all the ladies above…me too. Me too to the anxiety, the depression, the fog, the disinterest, the pain. I’ve been there for over half my life. I’m 30. There have been ups and downs, sometimes both in the same day. There have been many pill bottles, many changes to those bottles. I’m thankful for them and I hate them. It took me a long time to be okay with them and I still have them, 3 of them that seem to be working together actually.

    If I can give any advice, and remember this is coming from someone who may always need at least some help from a pill…and has knocked on the door of many psychiatrists, don’t take it lightly. Find someone that doesn’t write an RX for a disorder of the brain and an antibiotic within 10 minutes of each other. If that’s all you have access to, by all means, GO! But I encourage you to explore your options. This help in pill form is crucial for some but over prescribed for others, it’s tiny but strong, it can make all the difference or it can make it worse. I say this with love and experience…so much experience.

    If I could encourage you all to do one thing for yourself and your families, see a functional medicine doctor! SO MANY THINGS can contribute to anxiety and depression and they often present as symptoms of another problem. I’m in the middle of this journey now, as the help in pill form isn’t cutting it with the headaches and weird pains (and the cardiologist and neurologist couldn’t explain it). But as my new doc went over EACH LINE of blood work (14 tubes worth) with my husband and I this morning I felt something I haven’t felt in years…hope…and that someone is in this with me, determined to get to the bottom of it.

    So, sorry this was long. But you all need to know there are options and reasons you may never have thought of. If you are in the central PA area, I even have recommendations (for therapists and a psychiatrist too)! If not, http://www.functionalmedicine.com is a great place to start, but do your research…read reviews on google and Facebook etc. The book “Change Your Brain Change Your Life” by Dr. Daniel Amen is also a great information packed resource, and feel free to reach out!

  69. This is possibly the best description of depression I have ever read. It is one of those ” things” you just can’t explain to people who have never experienced it. Sharing in hope of spreading understanding and awareness. Bless you for being so vulnerable.

  70. I appreciate the vulnerability. Sometimes I feel as though, I’m the only one who is vulnerable, so I appreciate it! Just remember “the joy of the Lord is my strength”

  71. Sarah, God bless you! I too feel this way and wonder if anyone else does? Thank you for being real, human and so honest because the Lord just casted a large light from your wounds! I am loved, He loves me…end of story…

  72. I could have written this 1 1/2 years ago and some days I still feel like this. I was on medication for a year and it helped tremendously. I pray it does the same for you. I also started seeing a counselor and that was a huge game changer. Thanks for your honesty and reminding us that we all face the same struggles…even the people whose books I read for encouragement.

  73. When I had a similar yet different experience my father (who is a pastor) reminded me that when you are in pain, you take medicine. Medicine is one of God’s mercies, and not only for physical or visible pain.

  74. I have been here, too Sarah Mae. All the feelings, the struggles. Me too. And the drugs. I fought them so hard, so so hard, but for a season they kept my family with a mom and wife that wasn’t hospitalized. And it took a long time to wean off of them…but I have. And things aren’t perfect, but better. I can laugh. Enjoy some moments with my family and feel like I can cope in ways I dreamed were lost to me. The Lord is with us in the midst of it all-behind and before with a hand laid upon us.

  75. Thank you Sarah for being real. My husband struggles with depression and bi-polar disorder. It really sucks sometimes. No other way to put it. Medication is hard too sometimes, getting the right dosage, the right kind, remembering to take it even when you “feel better”. God is so good though. The psalms speak our language. Praying for you and your whole family for peace, joy, and healing!

  76. I needed to see this. I am amazed at how well you put into words what I am feeling. Thank you and Goodnight & God bless you bless.

  77. Thank you for being open, honest, and sharing this so publicly. I don’t know how to put into words what this means to me. I have dealt with chronic depression and anxiety for most of my life (since childhood) and diagnosed as an adult. I have to take medication but unfortunately I still struggle some. I feel like I have failed and although the stigma is less than it used to be, it is still there. Even just the other day, talking to friends. They didn’t get it at all. I am not alone…but it often feels as if I am. It means so much to me that you spoke out because I need to know I am not alone. I don’t choose this illness and I wish wish wish it would not be part of my life.

  78. Dear Sarah Mae,
    Thank you for being brave enough to write about where you are. You are not alone. Not only is God with you and for you , many of your brothers and sisters in Christ are lifting you up.
    May God bless you richly and use this season for your good and the good of many others.
    Isaiah 41; 9–10
    “ For I have chosen you and I will not throw you away. Do not be afraid for I am with you. Do not be discouraged for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand. “
    When I wake in the night and I’m sad I recite Isaiah 41 and feel the strength of that truth.
    Blessings to you sweet sister !
    Lynda

    • God bless you precious sister for that most glorious scripture of great encouragement!! In our Savior’s love❤

  79. I’m so encouraged by this! Thanks for putting how I have felt into words. I ended up seeing a Christian counsellor when it got so bad that I couldn’t even cry! It’s a scary place to be in. Thankfully I’m better but still falll back into the fog every once in a while, but counselling has given me the tools to help myself claw my way back up. But I find it to painful to share with anyone for fear of what they’ll think of me.

  80. Hi So wonderful to hear from you such raw honesty. Just got a cancer diagnosis, bills everywhere and no sleep just anxiety and pain. I really thought the heaviness was just me. So I am shouting :ME Too. Loud and long. Last night for the first time in my 67 years I took half of the smallest dose available of an anti anxiety drug. I didn’t want to but I knew I had to. Then I read scripture till I fell asleep. I will pray for all of us that sweet nights of sleep begin to reappear and darkness lifts so Hope can shine.

  81. Thank you for sharing. I feel your pain. I feel I struggle to keep my head above water and try to keep my eyes on Jesus, but it seems this joylessness will not lift. It is discouraging.

  82. This is spot on! Thanks for sharing. I had a total meltdown yesterday after all the little things kept piling up, one after the other, until I finally choked. I’m starting out today hopeful because His mercies are indeed new each morning, even though I’ve already had to break up a fight between my kids and it’s not even 7am…..Lord, help us all.

  83. Oh, Sarah Mae. ((HUG)) God bless you, sweet sister. — I understand the fear of medicine making you different. I’ve had that fear each time I’ve had to take something. I think it must be a normal feeling. (Which is comforting to me, so I thought maybe it’d be for you.) Prayers for you. He is able. ♥ ♥ ♥

  84. Thank you, Sarah Mae and to all that have replied. : )
    You have put into words what I struggle to do – with the way I feel. I find my people do not understand me and I am left confused and more lonely. A lot of times I over-compensate and put on that real friendly face, so no one is uncomfortable. This mask I put on, I know, is not helping. I need to be vulnerable. I have been working on that. Your words have helped me to realize that I am not alone and there is HOPE!! Reading and declaring the Living Word is what I hold on to – my anchor during this time. : )
    Praying for you all.
    Carolyn

  85. For all my precious sisters in Christ, may this sweet song bless your souls and remind you of our great and mighty Savior! Love you dearly and long to worship our Lord with you all!

    https://youtu.be/MpScEpriWZs

  86. “Like being stuck in a glass box… like rage under your skin…body crawling with anxiety” These are how I was describing what I am experiencing, to myself. Thank you for this post

  87. This was me just a few months ago, but unlike you I had forgotten that I was His child and that He loved me still. Your perspective is right, your focus is right, your heart is so right! The pills are scary, I have had some that made me so sick I couldn’t move, but there are so many different ones and our bodies all react differently. I hope that if this one doesn’t work for you that you will try another. In the meantime I pray that your focus will continue to be on Him and that you will receive the comfort that only He can provide. You are not alone, you are so created all the stars in the sky and calls them each by name!

  88. Sarah Mae,

    I urge you and others to seek help from professionals. God made men/women & gave them the brains to make this medication. Do not let others say anything bad about you-“If you prayed more or had more faith-you wouldn’t be depressed”. That is a lie!! Clinical depression is real-it could be something like a chemical imbalance in your body. I pray for everyone here that is going through depression/anxiety. Talk to someone about your problem. Let them help you. God will/can heal you through these people! May God send His healing quick!!!

    (((((Hugs)))))

  89. Wow, so many comments. I have to recommend Dr. Michelle Bengston’s Book Hope Prevails, her companion workbook just came out and she will counsel you with the Word. She is a depression overcomer, herself. I think you may have already found place in His rest, because you realize you are still His child, accepted in the beloved. I pray for all of you on this board who are dealing with depression and or grief for Him to lift you out of that cycle in Jesus name, let the God of peace trample the enemy before you. Rest in His love, it is all about His finished work of grace.

  90. This has been me. Thank you for putting these raw feelings out there in such an honest way. I don’t know that I would have been brave enough to do so.

  91. I don’t have the words to thank you enough for sharing your struggle and helping me feel less alone. It really means something to me to hear that people I admire feel the way I do.

  92. I continue to be amazed and thankful at the openness I see now in the body of Christ that I did not see even 15-20 years ago. I am so thankful for women like you who are willing to share. I have struggled for years and have felt exactly what you are feeling. For what it is worth, I’ve been where you are and I am me again.. I always come back to me, you will too. Promise. He is faithful to walk with us in these seasons. Keep looking up and thank you so very much for sharing.

  93. ME TOO!!! Sarah Mae……….I am grateful that others share the darkness of depression that surrounds many of us. I have been going through so much for over 20 yrs., one thing after the other after the other. I reach out for help, for support, but no one answers. I am so alone except for Jesus which I am grateful for, but sometimes, like yesterday and today, I fight wanting to go on. I am isolated at home for over 2 yrs since my handicap van broke down and needs replaced. I can get to dr appts. and the grocery store, but that is mostly all. Walking through all the health issues, the extreme pain from nerve damage and a very damaged spine and more and more. I don’t live life, I haven’t for a long time, I just exist. Everyday I deal with phone calls, agencies, insurance company trying to take away meds that help the pain, just b/c there are those who have addiction issues, we are all put in the box with them. I tired, I weary, I need a break, I need help with all the paperwork, phone calls and all the things my health issues require. I don’t even care if I shower regularly. It takes so much energy and since no one but my aide comes 2 times a wk., and I’m not going out,, who cares. I try hard to get up, but I don’t seem to maintain it more then a day , maybe two. I don’t understand why I keep falling through the cracks with agencies, that they don’t do what they are paid to do in case management. I’m strong, but I’m tired………… I found out last wk., I need a breast biopsy. Physically it is so tough doing all these tests, it is hard for me to turn and get into positions that are required. My mom died from breast cancer two yrs. ago. I don’t understand why the body of Christ totally ignores or turns away. I hope I don’t turn anyone off for what I shared. I hold in painful things I try to work through in therapy, but having no support, and feeling like I have to hide the pain I feel inside and what caused it. The past couple days have been hard. I hold onto to God who is my hope. Sometimes, there is just so many tears and so much pain, it makes it really hard to do. Thank you for opening up and sharing Sarah Mae and everyone else. It is onlythe enemy that makes us one to hide our pain and sorrows. By opening up, we put our feet on the enemies neck, a step toward victory .

  94. WOW!!!! your post left me speechless (and if you knew me, you would know that that is a feat…lol!) i admire you and appreciate you for your honesty, transparency, and openness! thank you for not being so “christian” that you cannot be real and human. thank you for courageously admitting that everything is not fine and perfect all the time. i truly believe that the reality of you and how you feel has spoken to someone suffering in silence and allowed them to know that they are not alone and they are not broken! thank you for talking about something many don’t want to hear or acknowledge. just by being you, you are doing more than you know! know that you are a blessing to me and countless others!

  95. Those of us who are so dearly in love with ones suffering from depression… It is hard for us too . . . SO. VERY. DIFFICULT. It’s just a different kind of difficult. Draining, frustrating, heartbreaking, at a loss for words… Sometimes it’s difficult to be the ALL for someone ~ we love them so deeply and want the hurt and pain and loneliness and depression to just go away but, it is such an all encompassing blanket! Our trials are so different from those actually experiencing depression… Today I pray for both sides of those suffering from this tool that Satan uses to rob us of our God given joy! God is the ultimate healer and He IS triumphant in all things! Bless you for being vulnerable enough to share, Sarah!!

  96. I went through a nervous breakdown a couple summers ago…and a tool I discovered in the midst of that was Dr. Caroline Leaf’s “21 Day Brain Detox”. I know it sounds gimicky, but it WORKS. You have to stick with it the whole time though, through the part that feels like nothing is happening. She is a Christian and neuro-scientist. Might help someone else out! Helped change my core beliefs in some areas that were leading to the anxiety, and I only had to take medication to get rebalanced. Nothing since despite what the doctors said 🙂

  97. This is a very vulnerable post to write and it does take a lot of courage to do what you did and I want to applaude you for that. I personally think the saintest of people go through season of despession. We live in this world as enemies to the prince of this world ,Satan. He takes pleasure in bringing us down and not be fruitful for the Kingdom of Christ. When we don’t live under the power of Christ we can’t bear fruit and he delights in that; he is a stealer,killer and destroyer and will use any opportunity to steal our joy, kill our faith and destroy our testimony. With that said Jesus is the life giver and He delights in us… how amazing His gift is for us.
    As people in this falling world we are confronted with lots of illnes,pains and sorrows. Some deeper then others. Some that need medication and some that need supernatural healing, some that are caused by our sin and some that are allowed for God’s name to be glorified. As followers and lovers of Christ we need God’s supernatural intervention and clarification in matters as this and never take the easy way out. God has a purpose in everything and nothing in your body or mine happens without Him knowing and being in control of it all. If He allows a disease in your life or mine, is for a higher and more meaningful reason than our human, carnal eyes can see. Do we know what it is ? He will answer…… he always does

  98. Thank you so much for this post! It is so very important for others to know that depression and emotional health issues are NOT sinful and are not due to a lack of faith.
    I have had lectures and ‘talks’ with many Christian friends that are trying to be helpful but are actually tearing my guts out. This is NOT helpful.
    Talking about the issues in a non-judgemental way and realizing that clinical depression and some other emotional and mental health issues are a physical condition. If you had high blood pressure, you’d take prescribed medication. Same for depression.
    Thank you for this post. It’s validation and ecouragment.

  99. SM, I love you in Christ so much. Thanks for sharing. God knows you more than you know yourself. I have been there as I started to homeschool my 3 children. At this time, I read and followed your virtual mentoring through your books and videos in the e-courses. Thank you. I have been praying for you so that God reminds to you all His Words you shared to encourage us as your mentee all around the world. You are so loved SM. Thank you ladies for all your comments, it is so encouraging when it seems like we just see the dark under the bright sunny day.