Every week it’s the same thing.
We study for the spelling test and my child cries and says, “I’m so stupid! I’d rather not be in this world. Everyone is smarter than me.”
They go down a dark trail of negative self-loathing and harsh talk about themselves. It’s awful, and it’s sad and it’s hard and it makes this mama feel so helpless. I pray and I ask God for all the grace and patience and gentle words and gentle touches to help, but it’s a fight. And I know the enemy will use this disposition that my child has to try and steal and kill and destroy.
I think, why? Why does my child look at themselves so poorly? Why can’t they see what I see? That they are a wonder, smart and funny and passionate and driven and thoughtful and made with purpose?
And then I turn the gaze inward and I think of all the ways I have spoken harshly to myself. I think of my own particular bent: I’m so stupid.
I don’t say it out loud, but I speak it in my head and my heart. I’m dumb. I have nothing to contribute to the world. What’s the point? And now that I’ve seen my child say these things, I wonder, Does God view me the way I view my child? Does it break His heart when I condemn myself? Is it painful for Him to see?
I think it must, because He made me and He says that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
He says that I am woven together (how intimate!).
He says He knows me, every part, and He has made plans for my life before the world even began.
My life on this earth means something, and even more than that, it means something to Him. I am His child, His beloved in whom He delights.
Why is it so hard to remember the good and true things? Why is it so easy to dwell on all of all the ways we may fall short (or perceive we fall short)?
Oh, what complicated hearts we have.
I was telling a friend about my child and she suggested that I write a script for them to read every day, and I’m going to do that. For them, and for myself.
It goes like this:
I am a child of God.
I am fearfully and wonderfully made, woven together by God himself.
I am a delight to Him.
He sees me, He hears me, and He knows every piece of my heart.
I am so loved.
I have been made with a purpose. I have a mission on this earth.
I am a child of God.
The enemy wants to destroy us, and our hearts can easily join in with the serpent’s deadly whispers. Not today. Today we will believe the truth. We will remember our Father in heaven sees us, made us, loves us, and has purpose for us. We will persevere.
Keep on sisters. Keep on telling the truth and believing it. For our kids, for ourselves, and for a world weary and in desperate need of it.