This past summer, when (in)courage announced that its annual retreat for its writers would be in Cancun, my first thought wasn’t, how generous or I can’t believe I’m going to an ocean with warm water. I didn’t think, I have never been to a resort, or on a vacation like this. I didn’t think how amazing it would be to see all of the other contributors and catch up with them in person. I didn’t think it would be fun to film some segments for the A Moment to Breathe devotional that was about to come out.
Instead I thought, I will have to wear a swimsuit. A big one.
This thought stunned me. I’ve made peace with so many things over the years. My body is one of them.
When I was a girl, I didn’t know there were other people who said #metoo. I didn’t know that the lethal burden of silence and shame I carried from sexual abuse was something I could lay down. When my breasts grew and my body betrayed me with a new level of attention from men, catcalls and locker room talk, boys will be boys and you-should-be-flattered comments, I didn’t know it wasn’t my fault. That I wasn’t asking for it just by being a woman. I felt unsafe in a world of wandering eyes.
I started overeating for a lot of reasons. Because food was scarce sometimes. Because it made me feel good. Because it was the thing my dad did with me, taking me for a treat, for something special when I had his full attention. Because it was the way Asian mothers love their children and I was starving for affection and self worth. Because I had been a very sick child and was undernourished and frail, and my mom was always trying to fatten me up.
Even though I had a loving family, I had dirty secrets and when I finished the carton of ice cream, sinking my spoon deeper and deeper hoping to fill the great void, I felt momentarily satiated. If my mom ever brought home anything special, a package of cookies or a bag of chips, I’d hide some in my room or gorge myself in one sitting because I didn’t know when I would be able to have it again. I was never full no matter how much I ingested.
When I went to a friend’s house, I was awed by their pantries, cupboards, and fridges stocked full of Little Debbie’s waxy snack cakes, Hot Pockets, or Keebler Fudge Stripe cookies. I knew better than to binge in front of friends, but I envied their access to it all.
Eventually, I noticed something else about the food. It insulated me from the world. The fullness spread through my belly and thickened my arms until they were fleshy at the tops like a pair of 80’s shoulder pads that had slipped down too far. My face filled and my cheekbones were swallowed as my chins wobbled. It was like I had donned an invisibility cloak. Those men that used to ask me for my number or whistle, they mostly left me alone. I felt safer in the world even as I hated my body.
I’d cry when I had to try on clothes. I’d grab fistfuls of my fat in front of the full-length mirror and I’d curse myself for letting it get this bad. And then I’d vow to diet, to make myself better, to make myself worthy. I’d exercise and eat right and I’d lose some weight. And then when my smaller form began to emerge, I’d panic. I’d skip the gym, I’d pull into a Taco Bell drive-thru and order a Nacho Bell Grande, a few tacos, two Burrito Supremes, and some cinnamon twists — and then I’d order three different small drinks so they would think I was meeting up with other people and I wouldn’t be judged for my wayward food indulgence. I’d pull away and find an empty parking lot and I’d eat everything. I’d throw away the extra drinks and go home to make dinner for my family. I’d let my flesh swallow me back up and instead of buying smaller-sized clothes, I’d pick out a new lipstick.
But somewhere along the way, I found my lips are good for more than binging; they speak truth. Somewhere along the way, I found my voice. And I realized for the first time, something I knew logically but couldn’t grasp emotionally: it’s not my fault. Those things, those #metoo moments. I didn’t ask for any of that. I could come out of hiding.
But by then, I’d been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. By then, I’d found out I have polycystic ovary syndrome. By then, I’d realized that this weight had become a part of me and wasn’t so easy to shed. By then, I was on meds known for weight gain and I had hormonal issues that make weight loss ridiculously hard.
I don’t talk much about my diet but to keep my moods, hormones, and blood sugar better balanced, when I’m home and not traveling, I don’t eat any sugar, grains, processed foods or fast food. I don’t binge anymore, haven’t in forever, but it doesn’t make a difference in the weight department.
I need a big swimsuit.
I thought about lake days with my kids, how I’ve made peace with my plus-sized body. How I’ve pulled the coverup over my head and dropped it on my beach chair joining my kids in the water. How they’d swim toward me, my mama arms, the only ones they know, tucked around their bodies, pulling them through the water instead of cowering on the shore afraid to be seen. I thought about how we’d stay in long enough for our fingertips to wrinkle as we dunked each other or raced across the top, the first one to the floaty wins.
I thought about buying my royal blue swim suit, wrestling spandex and lycra and hoisting the tummy tucking fabric up my thighs and over my belly positioning the wide supportive straps and underwire cups to keep everything in the right place despite gravity’s cruelty. The weight of my full skin pulled at every corner of the fabric, the weight of my worth sagging in that dressing room stall.
And then I looked down at my baby girl watching me. She must have been four or five. I saw her eyes grow wide and she said, “Mommy, I want a suit just like yours! You look sooo beautiful! When can we swim?” She imagined floating on inner tubes, coolers packed with watermelon slices and the feel of my hands rubbing Coppertone on her shoulders and dabbing it on her nose, the smell of sunshine and coconuts. She had no comprehension of stretch marks or cellulite, of rolls of fat, or thighs that don’t just rub together but overlap and fight for dominion as first in line.
She saw me and loved me and my body became something beautiful. Something that gave life to three humans here on earth. A body my husband loves, a body that speaks comfort and peace to him. A body that, while very broken, is worthy of being present and seen in the world. A body without the burden of shame.
So I decided I could spend more time despising myself, wishing myself smaller and more tidy. Or I could get on with my life. Most days, I choose the latter.
My body is home to my family. And when I’m home, I know this.
But when I leave, when I fly across the country in a plane seat I had to ask for a seatbelt extender for and the person in the seat next to me squeezes in and I do my best not to lop over the armrest, shame is waiting. When I arrive in Cancun and the humidity makes all the extra bits sweat and I feel every ounce of that weight, it’s easy to forget. It’s easy to invite shame to come back.
I met Lisa Leonard in the airport because our flights came in at the same time. Have you ever stood next to a woman like Lisa? She looks like she’s been instagram filtered in real life. She’s elegant and effortlessly classy and she’s so genuine and friendly and gracious, you can’t even hate her. I had no choice but to instantly adore her. So I clomped along by her side, dragging my luggage, breathless and flushed while my skin went into overtime covering me in what could only be described as the fat sweats.
So I felt all of that shame when I sat on the couch a few days later to record my segment for A Moment to Breathe. The couple (in)courage contracted to do the filming were also warm and down to earth but they looked like they had stepped out of some advertisement that promised youth, outdoor adventure, fitness, and perfectly toned muscles.
I have several devotionals in the collection so I didn’t know which one they’d have me read. They handed me a printout and I looked down.
It was Day 8, On Being the Truest Version of Me. In it, I chronicle my experience with gym girl whose sweat was cute, my industrial strength sports bra that had enough velcro to stick a grown human to a wall and my battle with envy. My battle with shame and comparison and feeling like I don’t measure up because I don’t measure down. I read it while they filmed, and I thought, I still feel this way. It didn’t magically go away once I learned to lay down envy and make peace with my body.
I read the ending line. “I’m not looking for a better version of myself, but a truer version of who I have always been: loved, cherished, beautiful, strong.”
This battle with envy, shame, or comparison will be fought again and again. But God is so good at reminding me of the ground we’ve won. He’s so good at providing the reminders at just the right time. Jesus sees us despite our three way mirrors and bad lighting. He meets us in airport seats too small and dressing rooms where all we see is scars we carry, He meets us even after we’ve eaten the whole carton. He meets us while we’re finding our voice, and sometimes He meets us in things we wrote and believed and somehow forgot.Leave a Comment
Bev @ Walking Well With God says
When I got married (the first time), I weighed 110 pounds. I have never weighed that again since. I, too, have to look for large swimsuits that attempt to hide my own built in “inner tube” otherwise known as my belly. Like you, I have a hormone imbalance and I take meds for OCD and anxiety that put on weight. I have cut out the “comfort eating” (carbs and sweets were my comfort foods of choice, unless I was stressed, for which I wanted to crunch something unhealthy). I exercise regularly….trying to take care of this temple of mine, but still I am always hunting in the larger sizes. For beauty though, God looks on the heart. Great people will look upon the heart and not the outer shell. When I got married to my, now wonderful husband, I weighed 70 lbs more than the first time I got married, but I have never felt so beautiful. He looks on my heart. The enemy always comes calling with the shame and comparison calling card. How good that you are kicking him to the curb and hold onto Truth, and how WONDERFUL the truth your daughter spoke over you. God’s words through this little vessel. May you carry those with you. Nodding my head all along because I am #metoo. Thanks for being real and transparent….you give others hope!
Alia Joy says
Thank you, Bev. Sorry I’m so late getting to these comments. It’s been a long week but it’s so good to read here and hear so many stories from others. There’s so much power in #metoo.
You are an amazingly talented writer and a brave woman of God. You are not alone, millions of us feel like you do. We wrestle with self loathing body shaming guilt you name it. We are young, old, mothers, business women, stay at home mums, students but we are all human and we all battle with our own issues. Don’t forget your voice reaches thousands of women on here and will touch us all in the way God intends. Thank you for your honesty- much love Jas
Yes, thank you for your honesty. We all need to hear #metoo
Michele Morin says
Wishing at this moment that I could hold your words at arm’s length and think,”Ah, so that’s what it’s like. How enlightening.”
Thank you, Alia, for glorious words of truth, so hard to read.
Alia Joy says
Right? That’s what it’s like. 😉 But I guess you already know some of this. Thanks for being with me here along my journey.
Sarah Davis says
This is so beautiful Alia. Your posts are some of my favorite. Always deep and so well articulated.
Alia Joy says
Thank you so much, Sarah. That means the world to me.
Thank you, Alia Joy <3
✝️❤️ Thank you so much for sharing your story. It gives me hope that I can find more healing in Jesus. This morning I am a mess, in a very messy season.
I am also a #metoo. I am obese, once again, after having gastric bypass surgery to try to conquer my food addiction and my desire to drown my pain with food. I also have PCOS. I struggle with recurrent depression, anxiety, and hating myself. I know in my head that God loves me and sees my worth in Him, and that my husband and family and friends love me. But my heart often doubts all of those facts, while the enemy whispers his lies that tell me I’m unloved and need to perform to earn anyones love, and that I’ll never perform or look good enough to earn their love.
Listening to the Bible this morning, Psalm 91, and Christian music like Tenth Avenue North “Fighting for you” and “Good, Good Father” by Chris Tomlin, and “Power to Redeem” by Lauren Daigle. Praying with my wonderful, godly husband and telling God and him about my fears and pain and feelings of not being enough. Begging God to heal me so that I can be a better wife and person. Praying for my husband and our family and friends.
Then I looked at emails. I usually go to Facebook first. But God drew my eyes to this in my inbox. I read it with tears for you, for my husband, for me, for my lost childhood. With tears of gratitude that God has already won so much ground for me too in healing, and tears of hope that God will indeed finish the good work He started in you and I and all of His children! God won, God is winning, God will win!!!
God loves us with a love that is Faithful and True and Forever and without condition!!!
Praying for all people, including you and I, to know how high and long and wide and deep is the love of Jesus Christ, and to receive God’s love and forgiveness and hope and salvation in Jesus.
Thank you for pointing us to Jesus!
Alia.. I’m amening all y’all! Kudos Tammie ! I’m 30 years older than you sweet mamas and I feel more blessed than ever knowing that the pure Hot love for God is truly a well spring of hope in Him!! Press on as He heals soul wounds you never thought you could get over!
I’m proof it’s still working and one day.. He will say.. well done, good & faithful servant! Love y’all
Thank you for your sweet encouragement and for pointing to the hope and healing of Jesus Christ!!! Praying for you to have a beautiful day filled with God’s blessings and peace!
Hugs and prayers!
Beth Williams says
Praying for you to know God’s love for you!! Don’t forget that He looks at the heart not the outside. A person is beautiful if they are loving, & caring. Size doesn’t matter in the kingdom, hearts do. I’m glad you have a heart for God & can feel His arms around you. Don’t worry about what the world wants-only what God wants.
Thank you for your kind words and encouragement! You’re a blessing! Hugs! ✝️️
Alia Joy says
Tammie, oh sweet sister. I know this pain so well. Thank you for your sharing some of your story with me. God’s love is unrelenting. His mercies never cease. He is so good to us. Thank you for your encouragement. Thinking of you tonight knowing God is in the mess, in the struggles, and in the hope. Blessings on you.
Alia, THANK YOU for your honesty and transparency in your post!
Alia Joy says
Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment, Cary.
Love your words. Thank you.
Maija Jokinen says
Wow! How brave you are to be so open and share your story with us. I have had those feelings too lately because of sickness and meds and God is renewing my thoughts on this topic. Too many are still relying on their outer appearance to be beautiful. In the end nobody cares if you are “fat” or not. The beautiful heart will make the difference we desperately need.
Good morning Alia –
Your devotional spoke volumes to me!! Satan will remind us of our weaknesses whatever they may be and use them against us. Sweet friend you are loved and adored and I pray God will continue to bless you and remind you how truly amazing you are!!! I am so happy for you that your hubby loves you and your children admire you – precious gifts!!! I pray God will continue to help you when you need it and I will pray for you to continue to amazing and a blessing to others!!
Alia Joy says
I’m so glad the devotional resonated with you. Thank you.
I love this! I truly can relate. Even though i have gone on to lose almost 100 pounds i still have the same insecurities, doubts, and intimidations as I had as my heavier self. It is Satan pure and simple. He puts the thoughts in our heads and uses others to further ingrain the insecurities we feel about ourselves. It is a journey but i am learning that no matter what the outer shell looks like, He, Jesus, loves me. He created me just as I am! He is the only one that can and will fill my aching, empty, self-doubting heart. You are loved and I thank you for sharing so much of yourself with us!
Alia Joy says
Thanks for sharing some of your story, Cheryl. Yes, it’s not the number on the scale or the face in the mirror, it’s where our identity truly comes from and this is always Christ. Thanks for your encouragement.
C. Beck says
I absolutely love your honesty and openness. It is so refreshing to see someone else sharing how real the battle is. We, as women, are our own worst enemies. I will never understand why we are so hard on ourselves. Of course, it does not help that society in general puts forth such high standards of physical beauty day in and day out. Thank you for reminding us that God loves us as we are and that it is okay to be ourselves. It is okay to not fit into the perfect mold. We are each unique and we each carry our own scars and baggage which make us who we are. Insecurity must be fought and is not overcome overnight. We are in this together as women and we need to continue to support, encourage and be humbly honest with one another. Thank you again for always being open and honest when you share with us.
Alia Joy says
I appreciate that. Thank you.
Every time I read one of your posts, it pulls me down under the waves and won’t let me go until I’ve read the very last word. Thank you for using your gift and your hurts to bring more openness and freedom to the world. You are chosen, loved, and beautiful.
Alia Joy says
Oh, you’re so kind, Christie. Thank you!
As someone else has stated, I always appreciate your very real and honest posts which you share your struggles and the provisions of the love and power of God in your life. I always am eager to see what you have to say. And I don’t know if I have missed it or if this is the first time you have ever shared so extensively about your past. What horrendous things you have gone through as an innocent, helpless, needy and precious child, I am so sorry. The sinful destructive things that happen to children are among the most painful to even hear about and never to be understood. It is impossible to understand this side of Heaven, why you had such awful things as part of your growing up. But so thankful that you have our Lord bringing you to and helping you with all His truths, love and power. And the love you have for your husband and children is proof that the Lord can change terrible pasts into triumph! Praise His Name and thankful for your sharing, Alia. May our Lord continue to help you and use you, and us all with our own pasts and present situations.
Sallie Gunter says
Wow, what an inspirational post! Thank you for sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings.
Thank you for your words. They brought tears – the good kind of tears, restorative and cleansing tears.
What a beautiful testimony from a beautiful heart. Thank you for speaking a truth that is very, very familiar to many of us. You are allowing many of us to feel God’s incredible love and healing through your words. May He continue to faithfully whisper love and reassurance to you!
Becky Keife says
Alia, your lips and that voice God made to come out are powerful, beautiful, necessary. You tell your story with such truth and tenderness…gotta catch these falling tears. I’m so proud of you and grateful to be your friend.
ABSOLUTELY LOVE THIS. We can always find someone who is more confident, thinner and smarter than we are. Learning to live at peace with who we are in Christ is a constant battle. I just found out I’m having a daughter after two miscarriages and I feel the weight of passing this on to her. I want her to see a mama that is not perfect, but a mama that knows who she is in Jesus. Thank you for sharing your heart with us this morning.
Amanda Jobe says
Alia, this is so beautiful and so true. He is faithful to meet us again and again…and again.
Thank you so much for sharing all this heavy stuff and I too had tears as I read. Yesterday I had an attack on myself which got started with a life situation of a terribly tangled up mess of some things with straps from my washing machine! I am always seeing ordinary life situations with spiritual applications. It took me a very long time to get the mess untangled. Well my spiritual application was an attack on myself of my tangled up mess of my life. And my body was a huge part of it. I determined I was ill-fitted for all of my life and that I had completely missed the Lord’s will for my life… thus all of my horrible tangled up mess of my life up to and including the present. And I am not physically fit, but not overweight, and yet quite lacking in some physical attributes that I never can consider myself as measuring up or adequate for my husband or my role in life! It was a horrible experience, with much anger at myself and wondering how in the world the Lord could ever love me or use me again. All day I was in a state of fitful and depressing, sad weakness; continuing to wonder how the Lord would handle me after all this.
Later in the afternoon, His mercies poured down, of course totally undeserved by me. I was in shock as some very long-term issues that had suddenly been addressed with some new direction and encouragements, (nothing from me), only possible because of the Lord’s working and love. I was so overwhelmed, and amazed at His unmerited favor to me, especially after my horrible time beginning early in the day. What a sovereign, merciful, caring, forgiving, loving…Wonderful Savior, Everlasting Father…we belong too. Praise His Name!!!
Alia, Your words always speak so deeply to me. I can relate and know the ongoing struggle of accepting my body in all of it’s imperfections. Shame still lingers for me all these years later and I’m disappointed when I continue to struggle with something I thought I’d surrendered to God years ago. I do my best to trust the process and it’s heartfelt posts like this that empower me to keep on keeping on and see myself the way God sees me. You have such a beautiful way of putting it all into words and being real at the same time. Thank you!
kim marquette says
Brilliant. I count it a privilege to not only you know through words on a screen but in real life! LOVES to you!!
Your courageous testimony is a blessing to all!
Thank you for the honesty & encouragement to follow your example…no matter the burdens we each carry…it’s the same struggle with loving ourselves as God does!
Beautiful Alia…an abundance of thanks for your honest words.
Blessings to all,
Your struggles are so real and honest and what so many of us women face every day of our lives!! It’s really hard NOT to compare ourselves to those seemingly perfect bodies out there! I think I was born with an inferiority complex and have battled it my entire life! I suffer from depression and anxiety and my self esteem can get so low that I don’t want to leave the house or socialize. You are certainly not alone in this battle! But I will say that in those times when we hear the precious and much needed words that we ARE beautiful (like what your sweet little girl said to you!), we need to hold on to that and BELIEVE that we really are!! The ones who matter most (God, our husbands, children and amazing friends) will love us no matter what we look like! Each day I tear myself apart while looking in the mirror. I have even told my husband I hate myself and my body! But ya know, God has been working on me so much lately! When I see those beautiful women out there and start to compare myself to them, God will remind me it’s my heart that matters most but also that this earthly body is just a temporary shell. You and me and all the believers in Christ will get brand new, perfect bodies in heaven!! These inferior tents we live in will pass away. It gives me hope and peace when I think about that! In the meantime, yes, we need to care for these earthly bodies but not be overly concerned. We ARE loved and we ARE beautiful because we have Christ living in us! I’m trying to embrace that but I admit it’s not easy when I hear the enemy’s lies! Have a beautiful day, Alia and God bless you and your precious family!
Joey Rudder says
What a powerful story. Your words, your heart…truly inspiring. I found myself in tears and nodding. Alia, thank you for sharing your story, thank you for sharing YOU with all of us. You are truly lovely.
Rebecca Jones says
Alia, I could have cried at your post but I didn’t. I realized a while back, my own problem of being a glutton for punishment, rehashing all those hurts, the plus size clothes when everyone else is a 5. Not eating in front of people, relatives offering to pay you for every pound you’ll lose. The ladies who are 10 lbs overweight complaining and you are like, ” Do they see me? ” I used to pray, ” Lord, can I please have this candy bar? ” I can promise you Proverbs 21:2 is true, He weighs your heart. When you see what He sees, it makes a difference. I believe that obesity and all the shame and torment with it is one of the things He bore on that cross, we want healthy and joyful. He is our everything. I’m glad you are not hiding the beauty God gave you.
Cynthia McGarity says
Alia Joy (oh, how I love your name), I need to take a moment and pause here after reading your words. Swallowing them and wearing them like a badge of courage. You are so wise and giving in your vulnerability. Thank you…just truly, thank you…for opening yourself up like this. For those of us who struggle on that same path, whether the steps we took to get there were the same or not, you are appreciated. For your wisdom and your struggle. For giving us permission to birth and rebirth our own flawed self-identity. I will take these words through my days to come and kindly give myself permission to be okay with where I am. Much love and thanks from this reader!
Alia, you are one of the most courageous women I’ve ever met, and your words are so inspiring. I felt so privileged to get together with you last year and to see your beauty, compassion, and courage in person. So often I’ve felt so alone with similar feelings, and your post has shed new light on the fact that I’m not alone with them. Thank you for the reminder that Jesus meets us wherever we are, no matter what we look like or how we feel about ourselves.
I saw truth and courage in your eyes last year; and you continue to bless me over and over with your words.
Your words ring true for more women that you know. I too struggle with my weight. I was a normal weight, until I had my son. Right after having him, we moved to the sunny Northwest from Florida. Pun intended. This dark environment, just made my depression grow even worse. I think it’s also harder on those of us who have to take medication. I was also diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Not being able to exercise and still having the desire to eat junk, when under lots of stress, makes the situation harder. It’s a continual struggle to see myself as Christ does. But there is hope, knowing that He is in control, His grace is sufficient, and one day we will be free from this world.
Beth Williams says
God bless you for telling your story. Your openness is both powerful & necessary. This world screams small size & a perfectly manicured body. You speak truth. Young women need to hear your story. They get sucked into this must look perfect image shown in magazines. God made us all differently.
When I married I weighed only 108 lbs. 14 years later, a whole lot of trials & life happening & I’ve bumped the scale up a bit. As Chonda Pierce says I have a “mushroom top”. I’m working on losing it , eating better & getting into shape again. You all are not alone.
Mary Geisen says
Your voice and words are such a beautiful beacon for all women. I found myself nodding in agreement as I read these words. My size, your size and everyone else’s size does not define us but boy do I know shame, trying to hide who I really am and the defeat of comparison.
There are so many things I want to say in response to your vulnerability. I hear you, I speak similar language and I love you. Thank you so much for all of this today!
(((Alia))) Your writing has a genuine way about it that always touches me. You wear vulnerability and authenticity well. Thank you. —- And, don’t you just love how God does that? How He speaks to us through our own written words? That’s happened to me before too, and I’m so thankful for the fact that they were His words first. That He offered them as balms for our hearts, and then, allowed ministry to flow through them for others. Oh, what a gracious God He is. — Beautiful testimony, Alia. Bless you. ♥
Absolutely beautiful, Alia! Blessings and hugs.
Linda Stoll says
Two important gamechanging posts in one week. Our cups overflow …
The way you impact is indescribable, friend.
Alia, your words remind me to make peace with myself as I struggle toward the other side of glory. Every time I read them. Thank you.
Bev Murrill says
My gosh, woman, you may be carrying some extra pounds but you sure can write! WOW! Awesome writing right there. Thanks for letting us in on your heart. You are amazing… I wish I knew you.
I must confess I look at the size of a post and decide whether I will read it. I READ EVERYTHING because it was so beautifully written. I wanted to find out when and where God would show up for you but He was there all the time. #metoo
thank you for your words. I needed this. “But God is so good at reminding me of the ground we’ve won.”
Darlene Seale says
Wow! It’s as if you have been walking with me, in my own journey, since childhood. You have spoken it so well in this post – most particularly the gawking eyes of men who, when I did win the weight battle albeit temporarily, made me glimpse a disturbing world and future for the imperfect female. How we live when we’ve been someone’s prey is only through the strength and power of Jesus. I put down the alcohol that numbed my brokeness and disappointments for a few years, but the alfredo sauce still beckons! I never got married because I didn’t want to be in a position like my mother. She lived under constant threat of her husband’s words: “if you get fat like your sister I’ll leave you.” Or his words to me as he weighed me and wrote my progress on a chart inside the hall closet: “no man will look at you or want you if you’re fat.” There’s a huge cringe factor even today as I watch the men and women on Mad Men and realize this was the world of my youth. Only Jesus can restore our self worth. Only He sees us as we truly are. Thanks for sharing what is hard and true and good!
What a beautiful post. Thank you for being so honest and transparent! Shame has been a constant companion of mine – chronic illness has made my body and spirit feel broken in so many ways. Thank you for the reminder that Jesus meets me in every broken moment and that my continued struggle doesn’t mean I’ve lost – but that I’m winning a battle and gaining new ground each time!
Celeste Allyn says
First time here. I appreciate your words that are honest. I look back on the ” thin days” reminding myself of a bygone size. When I was slender and wore a two piece bathing suit, I had a negative view about myself. Now a mom with weight gain, older maybe wiser I find myself with a different outlook. When my son wanted to learn how to swim I told myself to ” suck it up”. This was for him and although I still felt like eyes were judging me….. I kept at it.
I so appreciate what you are saying. For myself I have had to tackle the negatives swirling in my head….a lonely if not busy place at times.
I’m glad I’m finally here to read and grow.