I’m at the stove sautéing dinner. There is no recipe, just meat and veggies and a cabinet full of spices, and I’m watching the skillet become art. My phone streams music, and my hands keep time by chopping. I smell and taste, engaging all five senses. This is living.
The light tinkling of an alarm cuts my music short, and for once it’s not a reminder of an appointment or a necessary task I’d likely forget, it’s only a little nudge to witness beauty if I have the time. I turn toward the windows. The small stripe of visible sky promises a colorful display, convincing me in seconds to leave my duties. I cover the pan and turn down the heat, grab my keys and move toward the door, but I see feet peeking from the side of the couch. I stop.
“Let’s go see the sunset.”
My daughter’s been lounging in the same position since she got home from school. She barely looks up from her phone. “I’m good.”
But she knows — and I know — she’s not good. This isn’t my daughter, the girl who rarely stayed inside, whose clever mind seemed a storehouse of ideas, such that she was always creating games and adventure. This isn’t the same girl who used to try things, the girl who was a member of cheer team, the girl who once shot a buck with a crossbow, the artist who sketched the portrait by the stairs. Is this the same girl with an eye for simple beauty? That girl is in there somewhere. I want her to see beauty again.
“Come on and go with me. It’ll be funnnn!” My light-hearted crescendo pulls her eyes toward mine, and she smirks. She’s wondering how many more times I’ll ask before I go alone. The sun waits for no one and time is running out, so I offer the sweetest words spoken to a newly permitted driver: “I’ll let you drive.”
I figure I’ve sealed the deal and make my way toward the garage, but instead of hearing footsteps behind me, I hear my daughter call out, “Then carry me.”
I turn on my heels and lock eyes with the girl on the couch. Her smirk has become a full grin. My husband, who has kept his peace throughout this exchange, is laughing from the kitchen, and without asking, I know why. He’s laughing because this dare is a glimmer of the playful daughter we both miss. He’s laughing at the thought of me carrying someone 4 inches taller than me. But he’s laughing most because he knows I’ll do it.
And he’s right. I scoop up the girl who’s now giggling in chorus with her father, and even as I struggle with slow side steps, laughter bubbles from the core of me, too.
We drive the few minutes to the edge of a nearby neighborhood where an expanse of desert sky is already alight with fire clouds, the remnants of a full day’s sun. My daughter lifts her phone for a few pictures in an effort to capture the moment, but no picture will do this real-life image justice. Her expression is one of contentment, telling me she understands why I would set an alarm for sunset, why I would pause and pull away from screens, routine, and walls.
Just a few weeks ago, this was the spot where my daughter bravely told me her secrets of self-harm and hopeless thoughts. She feared she was opening herself to judgement, but her confession opened her to freedom. To help. To more unconditional love. Her soul had found a way to say, “Carry me.” And of course I would; she only needed to ask.
This journey is a hard one. It’s hard to lay in bed, praying in the dark, “Dear Jesus, protect her from herself tonight.” It’s hard to trust and give space and hold hope all at once, and over and over I hear my soul whisper, “Carry her, Lord. And carry me.” And He has, of course.
My daughter and I take in the last bits of light and color together, and maybe, if hope could be seen, it would look just like this. Mountain ranges tuck us in on all sides and I bet the view is spectacular from one of those mountaintops, but the valley is home for now, and there’s plenty of beauty to see right where we are.
My entire lifetime is just a moment to you; at best, each of us is but a breath.
We are merely moving shadows, and all our busy rushing ends in nothing . . .
And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you.
Psalm 39:5-7 (NLT)
Michele Morin says
OH! You set an alarm to watch the sunset!!
That alone gives me so much hope for your daughter! Thank you for finding the gorgeous sunset hues in what must have been a grey season.
And thank you for sharing the story of it here on a windy Saturday.
Michelle Stiffler says
You bet I do! Creation keeps me grounded and alarms keep me awake to the Creator’s surrounding presence. I need those reminders all the time!
Thx for reading and reaching out, Michele!
Jas says
Praying for your daughter and for you & your family. Raising a tween boy (me) is difficult enough to navigate as a parent in the society our kids are growing up in. I have two girls under 10 to follow so the years ahead will be interesting to say the least! The only hope I have, that we all have is putting them in Gods hands and ourselves also through prayer. May God work in your daughter life and heart and that she will see of herself the truly wonderful person she is…after all she is his masterpiece. Thank you for sharing and giving inspiration here x
Michelle Stiffler says
You’re exactly right, Jas – prayer. Always. The Father knows His children and we can entrust them to Him. He’s been doing amazing work in my daughter’s life (and in my life!) and I’m thankful. Thx for connecting!
Andree says
Oh this touched me—with tears I loved your story—because I can soooo relate! I have a beautiful 16 year old daughter and watching her grow, change and seeing choices/decisions change within her so frequently is so tough. I instantly cried when I read your daughter asking you to carry her! What joy that must’ve been to hear that! I ache when I think of the things our daughters endure, see, hear throughout a day and they often choose to or have to mentally process it and work through it—often never even sharing one bit of that with us as mothers. Thank you for the scripture that reminds of the burdens we don’t have to carry….but oh the love we have for our beautiful daughters!
Blessings and prayers for you and your daughter. It’s a beautiful, painful, kindred relationship!
Sadie says
I sooo understand and know our God is faithful! He delivered my three to have faith filled spouses and now 11 grandkids to show the world! Never ever stop praying and playing
Michelle Stiffler says
So true, Andree! Our children face so much in a short day, and although my son has his daily opposition, my girls seem to question themselves even more. Very thankful we women have a filling place like Incourage, where we can remind each other to hold hope, hold true, and hold on! Great example for the growing girls who are watching our responses and composure. Thx for reading and for your prayers!
Jessica Sommer says
Awesome- thank you for sharing – beautiful!!!
Michelle Stiffler says
Thank you for reading, Jessica!
Monty Stepura says
I loved every detail of your story! I wish I knew how you got her to open up to you about her “secrets”. My relationship with my 17 year old son has been getting better but I have been unable to get him to let his guard down and truly share what it on his heart. I may never know what troubles him and as long as he’s talking to God I know he’ll be fine. I just wish he felt the same freedom your daughter now has by no longer hiding her battles from you. Praying for all of our children …. that they may move through this dark period of adolescence with the freedom that comes from God’s love and grace!
Michelle Stiffler says
Monty, thank you! Secrets are work for the Holy Spirit, honestly. The best I can do as a human and parent is listen, love, speak truth, and extend grace – sparks of Light for dark places. Continue praying, observing, and if possible, build relationships with your children’s friends and their families. I’ve found those relationships to be essential.
Traci says
This is a truly beautiful and touching story. Thanks for sharing.
Michelle Stiffler says
Traci, thanks for reading!
Stephanie says
May God bless your daughter and your family with hope and peace during this time. Praying your daughter feels the presence of Jesus and knows that she is one of a kind, beautiful, loved, and never alone. May she hold onto the truth that Jesus died so she may live a rich and satisfying life. You all are never alone. Blessings and love to you both ❤️
Michelle Stiffler says
Much appreciated, Stephanie. We have certainly felt His presence, as has my brave girl who’s facing her battles with dignity and grit. She’s come a long way, by God’s grace! Thanks for reaching out today.
Kerry says
“Jesus, protect her from herself.” “Carry her and us.” Michelle, this is beautiful, honest, and from the heart. I am praying these prayers for my 20 year old son, we’ve been in the valley a long time now and I ache to leave it but may have to content myself with looking up. Thank you for your words that resonate today.
Michelle Stiffler says
Kerry, I’m so glad these words resonated with you today. Honest, from the heart prayers usually sound like a whisper, don’t they? Keep looking up and keep enduring in heart whisper prayers. We have a God Who hears them all. Peace to you.
Francee Strain says
Praying for you right now. Today I am setting a timer for sunset, and I will specifically pray for you again at that time. Hugs.
Michelle Stiffler says
I love that! Thank you, Francee.
Francee Strain says
You are most welcome for the prayers. I wish I could share with you the experience I had when I went out to view the sunset and pray for you. I took some pictures and was just amazed at what God did. We’d had an overcast day, so the sky was a bit different than usual. There was not much to see to the west, to the north and the south, however, there were quite a few storm clouds that were tinged pink. But in the few minutes leading up to the exact time of sunset, a cloud was taking shape directly in front of me to the west. At exactly the moment of sunset, which was 6:47 p.m., I was looking at a pink heart-shaped cloud! It just looked and felt like God sent confirmation of His love for you and your family!!! If there is a way to show you photos, I will. I am continuing to pray.
Michelle Stiffler says
Wow! Such a display of God’s goodness and love, and evidence each one of us is significant. Thank you for sharing this with me, Francee.
Francee Strain says
Hi, Michelle. How are you? I have continued to pray over your family. Today I posted a new blog on my website along with the picture I had mentioned to you (the pink heart cloud that God sent at the moment of sunset, when I prayed for you the day I first read your post). If you would like to see the picture, it is at https://franceestrain.com in the article called “A Change of Heart.”
Hugs,
Francee
Kelly says
I have made it through a lifetime with problems and am “ old” as my 7 year old grandson pointed out. My daughters who are grown are at the age when I first was diagnosed. I pray the Lord spares them of the affliction. But if not, I will be here to answer any questions and support, love, and just listen. And turn to God and pray, every day. Bless you for your honesty and
Psalm 39: 5-7 is a beautiful scripture I will hold close to my heart.
And I would “carry them also” 🙂
Michelle Stiffler says
Yes, Kelly – we pray God spares, ‘but if not’… If not, we still trust, we still hope, we still find He is there. Keep loving and listening, because that is the carrying work. Thanks for sharing.
Pastor Dave says
Good relationships are so needed … Godly relationships between a mother & a daughter are so miraculous! Thanks Michelle for being a mom carried by our faithful Savior and led into His glory – both outside in His Creation and inside your hearts and home. Moms, keep up the hard work, never give up, never give in, always give more. You know it’s worth it … because His Hope never disappoints. I pray for many good alarms to be set. The church and the world needs you all!
Michelle Stiffler says
Thank you for this – from me and from all of us. May your refreshing words lighten heavy, and sometimes tired, hearts. Thanks for connecting with us here!
Beth Williams says
Michelle,
Praying for you & your family. I thank God your daughter felt safe enough to talk with you about her problems. Raising children in this world is super hard these days. It seems there is more out there to harm them both emotionally & physically. The best a parent can do is pray & pray hard for their kids & hope for the best. More people need to set alarms to see God’s greatness. We rush through life so fast that we miss His love & splendor. We ALL need to slow down daily to notice the sunrises & sunsets. God’s gift of glory & color. Take time out of your busy day to just be still & acknowledge Him & His presence.
Blessings 🙂
Michelle Stiffler says
I thank God for that, too! And yes, Beth, God’s goodness surrounds us and we live days, weeks, and years blind to His overwhelming beauty. Thanks for your comments today.
Jenn B says
Michelle,
This was such a beautiful thing to read. I don’t always get to read the (in)courage emails as I sort through my overwhelming inbox, but this morning I am so grateful I opened this one with your writing. I so related to your description of your teen daughter becoming a different person and how the creative, nature-loving, fun-loving girl was still in there. It is so difficult trying to break into their world and to get them to open up. I praise God your daughter shared with you what was going on.
Thankful our Heavenly Father loves them more than we ever could -which seems impossible, doesn’t it? Thank you for sharing.
Michelle Stiffler says
Well, I’m so grateful, too! And I agree – a Mom enters a completely new season when a daughter loses touch with herself. Lord, please help us moms in our own transitions. May we model health, sincerity, and grace with ourselves. Thanks for commenting, Jenn!
Tammy says
My Sweet Michelle!!!
LOVE
Michelle Stiffler says
XO, Tammy! Thanks for stopping by!