I’ve been asking God where He is.
On Sunday, we sang these words in church: I am chosen, not forsaken. I am who You say I am. You are for me, not against me. I am who You say I am.
I hung my head and raised my hands and wondered if faith sometimes looks like singing through the sadness, like coming empty but showing up anyway.
Although there have been lessons worth learning along the way, this summer has felt much more like the wilderness than the Promised Land. I have more questions than answers, and my hands hold more unknowns than certainties. But somewhere in the desert, somewhere in between what once was and what will be, I’ve started to ask a familiar question in a new way.
There’s a note on my phone from nearly two years ago, several rambling sentences about John 11 and Mary’s short, honest, and vulnerable question. For years, this familiar story has continued to draw me in, leading me back to her words. I’ve read the story over and over again, wondering what I was missing, why I couldn’t get away from her question.
In the middle of her deep sadness and disappointment, frustration and confusion, Jesus comes and Mary asks, “Where were You?” In other words, Why didn’t You come sooner? Why didn’t You change this, prevent this, fix this, heal this? Where were You when I needed You?
I’ve said those things. I’ve wondered where He went and why His timeline differs so greatly from my own. I’ve walked laps around hospital hallways and I’ve been the one wheeled into an operating room. I’ve said heartbreaking goodbyes, struggled with singleness, wrestled in the dark through night terrors, and fought against the message He gave me to share.
I’ve asked why.
A few weeks ago, as I returned once again to John 11, I read the story aloud. Once. Twice. And then I heard it, my own voice reading “Where were You?” in a different tone. Still desperate, but eager. Still confused, but hopeful and expectant. Could it be?
Maybe, instead of pointing a finger, Mary was looking for fingerprints.
What if we said those same three words not as an accusation, but as a hope-full question, asking Him to reveal to us where He was in the middle of the mess?
Where were You, Lord? Because You never left. You were always here, right here, present and faithful and good. Show me Your fingerprints. Give me eyes to see the thread of Your goodness running through.
I’ve asked why plenty of times. Now, I’m learning instead to ask where.
When I look back over the story He’s given me, flip through the pages and consider the chapters I’ve lived, there’s one constant running through: His presence.
He’s the pillar of cloud in the day, leading the way as a Guide through the wilderness. When night falls and darkness closes in, He’s the pillar of fire lighting up the sky. He’s the God who comes near and stays close, who sits with us in our sadness and comforts us with His love. He’s the provider of manna and mercy each and every morning, always enough for whatever the day may bring.
He’s with us in the big and the small, leaving His fingerprints on every page of the story, forever reminding us: Remember My goodness here. Look around. Do you see Me? I’ll hang the clouds in the sky and fling stars into the velvet night all so that you remember in both daylight and darkness, I’m with you always.
When I look back on each season, I see a thousand reasons to believe that He really can work all things for good. This is my story and my song, and so I’m asking, “Where were You?” and looking for fingerprints. I’m trusting that He isn’t done working and declaring that as I’m waiting, I’ll keep on watching. He’s already here, present and good, faithful and kind in every valley and on every mountaintop and every step in between.
Where have you seen God’s fingerprints lately?
by Kaitlyn Bouchillon
Kaitlyn Bouchillon
Several years ago, I told the story of John 11 from Martha’s perspective, in costume, for a crowd of sweaty VBS kids, and the emotion of her probing question made it hard for me to stay in the moment.
Thank you, Kaitlyn, for initiating this holy scavenger hunt.
I love that, Michele… a holy scavenger hunt.
Katitlyn,
We all have seasons of trials & tribulations. Times we ask God where were you? Why didn’t you take this away or fix this? Fact is: He never left us. This trial is meant to perseverance & perseverance, character; and character, hope. He is trying to mature our faith. Make us more trusting. It isn’t always easy. Jesus readily understands & welcomes our questions. We also need to ask God for eyes to remember all His goodness in our lives. The times He was there & fixed the problem quickly. We must remember that He is sovereign & knows best for us He has plans for our lives. Plans to prosper us & not harm us. Go ahead & ask God where were you? Then thank Him for coming at the right time!
Blessings 🙂
Wow. I can’t tell you how much I needed this today. I’ve been going through some professional challenges and I have been asking “why”. This has helped me change my perspective. Thanks!
I’m so glad to hear that. 🙂
Amen! God is so so SO God and will reveal, answer, guide, comfort, lead, bless, answer all these things and do much more in His time! And it will be perfect for us in our good time, the right time because He is perfect so therefore his timing is perfect. God is with us through the good snd bad, he said he is with us always throughout every situation. Xx
Someone told me years ago that the heart takes awhile to catch with what the head knows. My head knows God is my Emmanuel. I just keep saying it and reading it and singing it until…in some cases I am still holding on, still haven’t gotten the answer, but I refuse to stop believing. But I can thank God that on August 1st He revealed his fingerprints and my husband went to work after 5 years.
That’s wonderful! Your (in)courage sisters are thanking God with you.
Kaitlyn, THIS! “Maybe, instead of pointing a finger, Mary was looking for fingerprints.” Just love this! Thank you for a new perspective to filter our experiences.
Thank you. That was absolutely beautiful. We all need to remember that God doesn’t leave — sometimes we just need to look a little harder to find Him.
Always present, always good, always faithful… xo
It has been 18 years since my daughter told me that she is gay, at that time I ask God, where were you all this years when I was praying for her? You knew all along that she was in a same sex relationship! I felt betrayed and let down by God. After a painful journey I have learned that God has been in the process to shape me, to teach me about unconditional love, mercy and grace. I have learned more about God’s love through the experience of having a child that lives a life that I never planned for her, than I would have learned if the plans I had as a mother had all worked up in a perfect way. I have finally understood that God is in charge and He has perfect plans my my daughter’s life, I completely rest in Him, I have peace because I know that He has always been with my daughter and He will always be.
Myra,
What a beautiful testimony. We think it’s about our children, when in reality, what God wants to do is teach and grow US!! They were His children before they were ever ours…..thanks for sharing and giving hope.
Bev xo
“Maybe, instead of pointing a finger, Mary was looking for fingerprints.
What if we said those same three words not as an accusation, but as a hope-full question, asking Him to reveal to us where He was in the middle of the mess?”
Oh, Kaitlyn. Yes! What a profound way to turn that heart-burning question on its head. Lord, give us eyes to see your fingerprints today. xx
xo looking for fingerprints alongside you, friend…
Kaitlyn,
All I can say is “WOW – beautiful!” You certainly have been through the wringer girl, and with this latest hospital visit??? I can see how you might ask Why, God? But you are right on target. The more appropriate question is where were (are) you? I think the answer we will find, if we really dare to look deep enough, is that He is there, right beside us ALL THE TIME. He never leaves, forsakes, or abandons. When the symphony plays a piece of music and there is a silent pause in the piece they are playing, it doesn’t mean that the symphony has disappeared, it just means that they have paused and it is an integral part of the whole composition. I know God has pushed “pause” in my life many times. More often than not, it is to get my full, undivided attention. He has been waiting right there all along, but maybe what I had to go through was in order to build my character to be more like His Son. His fingerprints are all over me, I just haven’t taken the time to look for them. God’s timing is about bringing glory to Him, not about my/our comfort. This is a tough question to ask myself….am I all about God? Or, am I all about me? Ok, rambled on long enough. Long story short….God is God and I am not. He is in control. I’m not. His will is perfect. Mine isn’t. In this world we will have trouble, but we can take heart because He has overcome this (transient) world. Praying healing upon you Kaitlyn with all my heart….you give so much to others, may we lift prayers for YOU!
Blessings,
Bev xo
ps. Speaking of “Control” – I have a giveaway of Jennifer Dukes Lee’s book “It’s All Under Control” at my blog this week and please pray for those devastated here in the South by Florence.
Bev, I love that you said about the symphony… our times of waiting aren’t wasted, and the pause is purposeful.
And thank you for your prayers! (And your support of Jennifer’s book. So fun to have you on the launch team.)
This is so good. Thank you.
He keeps showing up in the middle of my mess. Had some family drama the other day and right after that I saw a huge rainbow in the sky.. I felt His love in the midst of a heartbreaking situation.
He sees us and knows us and loves us.
One of the things I wrote in Even If Not is “In the middle of your mess, God is writing your message.” I’m so grateful that He’s a God who redeems… (Also, love rainbows. What a beautiful promise.)
Kaitlyn!
What a beautiful perspective shift. Sometimes that is all we need when we’re discouraged: a different lens through which to see God at work. I love that, and will start to ask him, myself, “God, where are you?” not in an accusatory tone, but one of expectant revelation. I suspect, when I ask, in a way for Him to show me, rather than for my waiting for Him to show up, the consequences will be mind-shattering and spirit-lifting as they have been for you. You’ve discovered He has always been with you, perhaps even just waiting to reveal Himself to you in deeper ways. Now you have eyes to see. I’m hardly saying that mitigates your pain; it’s real. And yet, God has comforted you to realize that He has not abandoned you in it, but that He is right there in the midst of it. What a shift! And I have seen God through *you* in how you encourage women online, in how you are patient and kind, and in how you have done such a beautiful job in helping to get Jennifer Lee’s message (really God’s message through her) out into the world. We often see God through others, don’t we? Thank you for being such a faithful servant. God is using you! I surely pray too that God will give you all the desires of your heart.
Love
Lynn
PS God has used that passage powerfully in my life when He resurrected my book after five rejections (and then another five from the publisher who finally printed it!!) and when my father lay dying.
Thank you for your kind words, Lynn! And I’m so glad you’ve been on the launch team… you’re a team player and made such a difference.
I am feeling very “wildernessy” myself lately and have wondered where God is, sometimes doubting much more than I am proud to share. Wondering where He is, if He sees me, if He hears me, or if He cares. In my head I know the answers to all of these, but my heart feels so insure.
Thank you for your words. Today I will try asking “Where were You?” with your spin on it. ❤️
Praying that you’ll hear His answer to that question, seeing His fingerprints all along the way.
“Fingerprints”
What a great word to remind us to look for Him each and everyday. Your words are my first “fingerprints” this morning.
Thank you so much for this!
Your comment brought a smile to my face!
Beautiful – simply, truly beautiful – thank you for the gift – both the gift of this post and your willingness to be vulnerable.
Last week, my husband and I evacuated our home due to Hurricane Florence. We were able to return home and found our area had been spared damage. All during our trip to and from, I noticed God’s fingerprints. From strangers waving to us as we drove by on the detour roads, to friendly hotel and restaurant staff, to other people evacuated from their homes, a sense of togetherness was felt. We all knew something was coming and we would all have to handle each unique situation. We were not alone. God was with us in every moment. I am thankful for His constant presence in my life.
I needed to hear this today. I have found myself asking this same question, Where were you Lord when I called for you, when I couldn’t save my best friend. 8 months ago she passed and I still find myself talking about her, still find myself coming to grips with her no longer being here. This grief seems to overwhelm my heart daily and I see no light at the end of the tunnel. I don’t want to see anything beyond that fateful day when I first learned she has left us. It is hard isn’t it when our grief takes over and we become so immersed in our hurt and pain and we do the only thing we can think of, where were you Lord? I know He is here, He was there and still am there. Thank you for sharing this and reminding me that He never left me.
Thank you for sharing vulnerably here, Maylee. I’m very sorry for your loss, and am pausing to pray for you after leaving this comment.
How beautiful. Thankyou for opening your heart to share your journey with us and allowing us to see our beautiful savior there!
I like to look at if from Jesus’ perspective, He waited, so He could raise Him for God’s glory. Remember, He finally had to tell the disciples Lazarus was dead. It was not a word He usually uses. His fingerprints are all over us ever little dimple.
Oh, Kaitlyn, your words pulled on my heart strings…my head hung low on Sunday and I made a choice to praise Him anyway. Thank you for your thoughtful words and new perspective. Such a gift He’s given you.
This. Yes. The seeded faith, roots burrowing deep and strong to support the weight of the fruit to come in due season. Asking, “where are you?” as a confident daughter, expectant and ready.
Such a beautiful piece today.
What a great post today! I’ve spent much of my life asking why.. and your perspective of turning the question is so helpful.
I know that God is using everything to make me more like Him!
I needed to hear this and to remind myself that God is always here right with us in our worry, nervousness and sometimes mess. He is with us in the good times and the confusing times, the sad times….He will make all things to work out for our good. Your right we need to just ask and look for his messages through his word, through a post or the words of s friend he may have sent to us to help us. God is always with us, thank you it makes me feel close to Him again after a few days of trying to handle things on my own. I simply cannot function without Him and feel safe and secure, He is our everything. The beginning and the end.
Oh my goodness Kaitlyn!
I know I’m a few days late to the party, but just read this and it’s so incredibly good for the soul. Thank you for sharing… I’ve been feeling like I have one foot in the wilderness and one foot in the Promised Land, and I’m just looking around for Jesus, asking where He is in this limbo state! I know He is there… I know He is here… with me faithfully. But some days I’m more like a finger-pointer than a fingerprint-finder ;).
Thank you for being real. And thank you for opening my eyes to His goodness that is weaved into every part of our stories.
All of God’s best to you!
Becky
Romans 8:28 isn’t an easy verse to believe when we’re in the middle of the storm, but it is an anchor we can depend on! He is faithful and true! I love your heart, Kaitlin. “When night falls and darkness closes in, He’s the pillar of fire lighting up the sky.” Amen and Hallelujah!