I used to watch a TV show called Blindspot with my husband. I liked the show, but he quickly found it ridiculous – too preposterous to waste time watching. He’s not wrong. The premise and nearly all the story lines are incredibly unrealistic. But I keep watching. And this season has been particularly moving as the main character, Jane, battles an enemy closer than any other: herself.
Jane is a “good guy” who used to be a “bad guy,” and in a recent episode, she finally began facing the horrible deeds she’d committed in her past. When her husband asked how she was holding up, she responded:
“I don’t know if I can do this. I thought I could close the door on my past, quarantine it, but I can’t. . . . I’m so tired. I’m tired of fighting, tired of trying, tired of remembering. I just want to forget.”
Later, she confessed to a counselor about how she was overwhelmed by the things she’s done: “There are so many of them, too many to atone for. I don’t even know where to begin. And when I think about it, it just completely paralyzes me.”
Fortunately, I’ve never committed murder or treason or any of the many truly horrible things this fictional character has done. I’m guessing you haven’t either.
But I still know exactly how she feels.
Recently, I’ve been reading a book with a women’s small group at my church, and it’s caused me to have a few “Jane” moments of my own. I actually selected the book for our group. It’s one that a friend wrote, one that I wanted to read but knew I’d never finish without accountability. I thought it would be an interesting read as I learned more about my writer-friend’s life and what God’s taught her. I thought I’d probably learn something, but I also may have thought that the ladies in my group would learn more than I would. I definitely didn’t think the book would wreck me.
The book is about sharing Jesus with the people in your life, and as we’ve been reading chapter after chapter, I’ve been challenged in how I view – and treat – people. I’ve been motivated to live a little differently, to listen a little more intently to what the Lord has likely been trying to tell me for a while. But more than that, reading this book has brought to mind, and heart, several times I have seriously hurt people.
I’ve remembered so many instances where, despite knowing what God’s word says about loving my neighbor, I did the exact opposite. I’ve remembered times when I wasn’t just distant or negligent, but also times when I was intentionally hurtful. I’ve remembered a whole lot of things I had previously swept under the carpet of my memory, things I’ve never reckoned with or confessed.
So while I have very little in common with Jane on the surface, I know exactly how she feels.
I know how it feels to be so convinced I was in the right or that nobody got hurt and it was fine. I think, It’s over. We all need to just get over it. I know how it feels to be so certain of those things that I completely forget about what I actually said or did.
And I know how it feels to be blindsided by a memory that I’d stuffed down so deep that part of me believes it never happened. I know how it feels to be gobsmacked by the realization that I was the one in the wrong, that what I said or did (or didn’t say or didn’t do) was a really big deal. I know how Jane feels when the pain she’d caused and the shame she now felt rush over her in waves until she can’t breathe.
Do you know how that feels?
I don’t know if I can do this.
I just want to forget.
There are too many sins to atone for.
I don’t know where to begin.
It’s true. We can’t do this. We can’t atone for all our sins. And, unfortunately, forgetting forever isn’t really an option. But unlike Jane, we are not left hopeless in the face of our reckoning and realizations. We are not left alone to try to fight and work until we collapse under the weight of our humanity. No, we are not hopeless, and we are not alone.
We have Jesus.
We have the immeasurable grace of God that offers mercy and forgiveness despite our undeniable depravity. We have the ultimate sacrifice of Christ that means atonement is attainable after all. And we have the unbeatable strength of our Lord, who promises to never leave us, even when we do unspeakable things.
We cannot bear the burden of our sins, and we cannot erase them from history or repair the damage they’ve done. But it’s okay. We were never meant to. God has given us a way to face our past, our sins, ourselves. He has given us a way to heal and to move forward. Jesus is the place we begin and the place our sins come to an end. He is the one who looks at everything we are and everything we’ve done — even and especially the parts we’ve tried to hide — and He says, “You are loved. You are forgiven. It is finished.”
If you’re breaking under the weight of your sin today,
If you’re afraid to face the reality of what has gone before,
If you don’t know how you can possibly handle this, how you can ever move on,
I pray God will open your eyes to the ultimate truth, to the gift of salvation, to the forgiveness and atonement that we all desperately need. I pray that He will hold you close and comfort you when you grieve, that He will give you strength and resilience and guidance as you move forward. I pray you will no longer feel exhausted or terrified or paralyzed, that you will accept the gift He’s offering you and walk forward with eyes open and heart full.
Because you are loved. You are forgiven. It is finished.
We are not hopeless, and we are not alone. We have Jesus. -@MaryCarver: Click To Tweet
by Mary Carver
Mary Carver
What is the name of the book you read in your small group? I am interested in reading it. Loved this devotional, thank you!
Hi, Heidi! I was talking about The Ministry of Ordinary Places: Waking Up to God’s Goodness Around You by Shannan Martin. It’s really good! 🙂
This was so powerful! It’s something that I intellectually know but need to work harder to accept.
Love this! What is the name of the book you refer to? I’m interested in reading it. Thank you!
I noticed that you did not mention the title of your friends book. Could you tell me what it is? I would like to read it.
I also would like the name of the book.
Linda, the book is The Ministry of Ordinary Places: Waking Up to God’s Goodness Around You by Shannan Martin. It’s been a great read for my small group and for me!
Hi, Katherine! I was talking about The Ministry of Ordinary Places: Waking Up to God’s Goodness Around You by Shannan Martin. It’s a great book. 🙂
I’m raising my hand over here that I, too, understand Jane’s feelings. Being overwhelmed is no fun and what’s worse is when I believe I can fix it on my own. I am thanking God right now that He never says I need to figure it out by myself. Instead, I can walk to the cross with Jesus because at the end, he promises new life in Him.
If I just had a nickel for every time I am overwhelmed, largely because I think I can fix things on my own! Thank God He never tires of giving us grace and new mercies!
I think I need to read this book too, if you would be so kind as to share it’s title. I’m am in the midst of a relative’s visit which actually threw me into a panic the morning of the arrival (even though I had long before scheduled an event that gave me escape for the first 24 hours). Sitting in my recliner early in the morning, I picked up my Bible to read and was hit square one in my mind with the replay of mere seconds that were the last time we were face-to-face. The words flooded my brain. We were a few short hours from being square in the same physical location, position as that “last straw” moment, and I panicked. I have prayed, had others pray for us; we are both at fault for decades of uneasiness between us. A few days in now, I have been very careful not to position myself to be alone with this person, but I know that won’t last. God has given me a renewed compassion—where I had declared I was done, I have committed to give it another go. As very much as I desire to turn tail and run I am struggling to stand firm on God’s promise to be with me and see it through, one day at a time. I am reminding myself even now for God’s love for the both of us as that one-on-one is inevitably approaching. Praying for His grace.
Oh, Mary, what an uncomfortable situation for you! Praying peace and gentleness for you and your relative as you navigate forgiveness and healing. And the book I was talking about is The Ministry of Ordinary Places: Waking Up to God’s Goodness Around You by Shannan Martin. It’s been a great read, and I hope it blesses you as well!
Beautiful Counselor, Savior & Friend! Remembering is God’s word for me this past month. When God takes me back to remember, it is to bring healing & wholeness. When the devil brings the past up, it is to steal my peace, kill my joy & tell me I am not a godly person. I need to be reminded that Jesus took, takes & will take my sins away for His purpose for me is towards righteousness & holiness. What the devil planned for evil, God intends for good! Mary, your words are reminding me once again to let go of the past & run into this day with a new fierceness to be more than a conquer in Christ Jesus! I will choose, this day, to remember work of the cross & the joy of the resurrection! Blessings.
Remembering what the Lord has done and who He is and who He says we are – what a beautiful, wise perspective for this month and every month, Connie! Thank you for sharing what He’s been showing you and for reading today!
This is such a powerful devotional. Thank you so much for sharing! What book was it that you were reading?
Thank you for your kind words, Megan. The book is The Ministry of Ordinary Places: Waking Up to God’s Goodness Around You by Shannan Martin.
Thank you so much. I want to read it
We are all human we all do things we want no one else to know. We can have our sin forgiven. We can leave it at the foot of the cross. Pray about it with Jesus leave it there. But sometimes we need a trusted Christian Councilor to help us throug it really let go of the sin. Or past hurts. When we do with Jesus help we can because bran new Christian in Gods eyes. Hold our heads up high. Knowing Jesus has forgiven us and the hurt it never to be remembered again. If a hurt from a person we can find the strength to forgive that person as God would want us to do that as his word tell us too. Then the weight will of all this fall of our shoulders. I say Amen that. Not easy at the time. But the healing worth it. Love Dawn God Bless xx
Yes, absolutely, a counselor is sometimes needed. Thank you for sharing your heart here, Dawn!
Mary,
What a poignant & timely post!! Many people in this world feel guilty about their past. The evil one wants us down & feeling like God doesn’t love you anymore. Nothing could be further from the truth. All one has to do is come to Jesus in a repentant attitude & ask for forgiveness. It’s that simple. God knows & sees our hearts. He will forgive & forget our transgressions as far as East is from West. There is no better time than now in Easter Week to come to Jesus & claim your forgiveness. Take time this week & ponder all that Jesus did for us during this time. He rode into Jerusalem with shouts of praise & Hosannas. Palm branches & cloaks lined the street. Then you have Maunday Thursday commemorating the Last Supper. Good Friday-when he bore our pain & anguish. He took nothing to dull the pain. Saturday he lies in hell. Then wonderful Easter Sunday He rises to live again!! He did ALL that so we could have eternal life with Him. All he asks is for us to come to Him & bring our pasts with baggage to Him. He will take it & forgive us. Why not do it now?
Blessings 🙂
Amen, my friend! 🙂
I have definitely had a few Jane moments. Hubs and I began watching that show but it quickly got to be “too much.” I love the way you wove Jane into this piece.
Thanks, Susan. It’s a crazy, over-the-top show for sure, but I’ve been blown away by the themes of this season. I couldn’t help but share it here! 🙂