I am afraid of the ocean. I’m afraid of its unpredictability, the way the waves never come in the same way, the way it changes so quickly with the tide and the wind. I’m afraid of its depth and its expanse, the way I can’t see down to its floor or see its end beyond the horizon. The ocean has moods that change with its color, and out of fear, I like to keep a respectable distance.
Still, I take the kids to the beach because we all appreciate its beauty from the safety of the shore. We build mounds of sand that are supposed to be sand castles or birthday cakes, and every once in a while, we walk near the water and let the waves kiss our feet. If we’re bold enough, we risk them splashing our knees as we hold hands tightly.
Along with the ocean, I’ve been afraid of many things for most of my life. I remember my dad calling me chicken when I couldn’t handle the pressure of jumping into the pool with him and my sister. I was and still am afraid of roller coasters, pain, failure, and success. I’m afraid of the possibility of any of those things as well as looking like a fool trying not to be afraid.
I hold the naive optimism of thinking I could do more than I really can, while actually believing I can do it. I once had skydiving on my bucket list because I loved the idea of flying freely, but imagining myself at the edge of an open airplane door is enough to make me want to hug the ground and never leave it again. I love the idea of me being brave. In reality, I freeze in the face of fear, or I puff myself up to seem bigger and stronger and braver than I really am when I’m just a fraction of the shadow I create.
I have the same naive optimism with my faith. I sing these words with my whole heart and a full voice, a declaration of my commitment to God:
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
But when He is moving and inviting me to step deeper into the water, where even my toes, stretching and reaching, can’t find something to stand on, I feel panicked instead of fearless. I am one of little faith instead of one singing praises of trust. I give God a thousand excuses as to why I couldn’t or shouldn’t and how He clearly got the wrong idea of me. Or I try to map out all the options so I can predict what God might be thinking would be best for me and my family.
We moved back to California almost three years ago with that naive optimism. We had hopes of new dreams and living out passions, but we’re still here, in almost the same spot we were that hot July day when we moved into my in-laws’ home.
There are moments when I’m desperate for answers, for clarity, for vision, and in my desperation my feet scramble to find the sandy floor of the ocean to feel safe and secure. Half of me wants to run back to the shore of certainty, but the other half of me knows the sandy shore is anything but certain. It shifts with the waves, and my heart knows it’s better to risk treading water than to go back to what is now just an illusion.
I sang and asked the Spirit to take me deeper than my feet had ever wandered, and He’s brought me to that place now. I know we are exactly where we need to be though our future is unclear and the present is hazy at best. We don’t have answers, we don’t see a vision, and there are days when safety and security sing like a siren, luring my heart with its comforting melody.
But the voice of God whispers a deep note to my soul, the sound of it familiar and clear. He recounts the story He’s been writing in my life and reminds me that He can be trusted. He turns my face toward Himself and repeats the words He has said before: Keep going. Don’t be afraid.
They are the same words I’ve heard this whole time, but somehow they mean something again. Somehow hearing them fills me with assurance, and I am no longer thrashing in the waves, my feet no longer frantic for sand to stand on. Instead, I am still. I am once more anchored by His presence with me, and all of me wants only Him because He is my Rock.
I took the kids to the beach again today, and the ocean wasn’t roaring as it usually does. The tide was out, the water was shallow, and the wind was just a breeze. The waves swayed back and forth on the shore, hushing my soul, and it was as though the ocean were singing His truth to me — Come in deeper and know freedom, for I am with you.
He turns us toward Himself and repeats the words He has said before: Keep going. Don’t be afraid. -@gracepcho: Click To Tweet Leave a Comment
Grace,
I love this song. The thing about going “deeper” with God is that it almost always involves a certain degree of discomfort, uncertainty, even pain as our trust muscles are stretched. I want to make the first line my prayer…”Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders…” I think I am open to God’s leading, but my trust almost always has borders. “God, I’ll go this far with you, but don’t take me farther than I can handle,” I bargain. In other words, don’t take me farther than my self-sufficiency can handle. God longs for us to dive in all the way and allow Him to take us to the place where our feet can’t reach the sand (which is shifting anyway) and we have to utterly rely and depend upon His secure arms to keep us afloat. Poignant post that challenges my heart!
Blessings,
Bev xx
Yes, we must utterly rely on Him — that is the best and hardest thing to keep doing and why we need to live by faith!
The following life would be so different if God had ordained that our pleasure and our strength took us deeper into him. This has been a year of sharp, pointy question marks for our family as well, and I would never have chosen the path we’ve walked together, and yet those waves of grace have lapped at my feet inviting me to trust.
Thank you, Grace, and blessings to you and your family.
Yes, we’re there together. <3
Even when our feet are planted firmly in the sand, those relentless waves force us to stay aware and alert. Those waves serve to strengthen our muscles as we have to be intentional to stay grounded, squeezing in our core, determined to not let them knock us down. I love your description of the ocean having moods of its own. Just like real life.
Well said, Kellie!
Yes!
Awesome! Thank you for sharing
God is always with you even if your fear is bigger than your faith. Doesn’t matter what the size of your faith is, He loves You unconditionally. Each one of us had faced so many failures and loss and it is what we choose to do with this is what will bring us strength. Praying for you and for all of us to keep holding on and know God will never forsake us. He’s for us and with us especially in turbulent water. There is freedom in the name of Jesus!!! Thanks so much for sharing.
Beautiful post!
What a beautiful beautiful devotion today! Your choice of words was spot on. I never go to the beach (I’m a mountain kind of gal) but I could almost hear the waves and feel it on my toes, as I read your description. I love His invitation to go deeper, as we can always trust that His hands are solid beneath us! Thank you for writing these powerful truths today!
I love that encouragement about my writing – thank you!
Grace, thank you for putting words to how I feel most days. I desperately want to go deeper with God and follow where he leads, but often freeze in fear, forgetting trust and fear can’t coexist.
I think they can coexist, that trust and fear ebb and flow together. Deep breaths, we can do things afraid yet brave at the same time!
Thank you for pointing that out. Reading your comment, I realized trust and fear can coexist. It’s a matter of which one I choose to feed that grows the strongest.
I have always loved singing this song….”take me deeper than my feet could ever wander for my faith will be made stronger” – I don’t know why I am surprised that is exactly what God is doing, taking me deeper and growing my faith. Your words encouraged me today. I am reminded that it’s okay to be weak and fearful as long as I look up to him, he’ll take my hand and give me the strength and courage I need for today.
Yes, He will!
Oh my heart needed this today. Thank you
Thank you for the words of wisdom all of you! Yes pain & suffering as we go deeper with Him. Pain at the loss & rejection of my marriage & desire for restoration, even after 12 years & my ex not surrendering to God. Pain for my kids who see the destruction. It’s hard to remember during these times that God is good, faithful & has a plan. Praise that My 2 children, my brother & his wife, my ex-husband & I have all been saved because of this. Posts like this bring comfort to my hurting soul & heart.
I’m so sorry for all the pain in your family. I’m remembering now how Jesus sent the Holy Spirt to be our Comfort, and I’m praying He is that for you now.
Awesome and so true. As a child I was taught to fear everything and at 65 I’m still trying to overcome those fears and wondering what my life could have been like without so many fears. I love the Lord and believe He loves me and try so hard to trust Him but feel I fall so short. God bless you
I hope even now that you can face some of your fears and walk in faith.
Grace,
Your post reminds me of an older song by Steven C. Chapman “Dive”. Here is the chorus And take the leap of faith Come on let’s go I’m diving in, I’m going deep, in over my head I want to be Caught in the rush, lost in the flow, in over my head I want to go The river’s deep, the river’s wide, the river’s water is alive So sink or swim, I’m diving in. It talks about having a racing heart & weak feet as you near the ledge. But in that rush you hear a voice that says take that leap of faith. We will never know God’s supernatural power until we let ourselves get swept away into this holy flood. Following God can be scary sometimes. He may ask us to get out of our comfort zones & try new things. When it’s all said & done we just need to trust His leading & go for it. No excuses like Moses. I feel if God gives you the task or sends you on a mission-He will equip you for the job. When we feel scared or uncertain just turn to God & have faith. No need to fear anything for He is always with us. Let’s all be brave & dare to dive into this journey with God.
Blessings 🙂
I love SCC and that song! Yes, a good reminder in this season for me!