Bored. Unmotivated. Apathetic. Tired. Fearful. Hopeless. Sound familiar?
I don’t where this season came from. But it is here in full effect. I was Voxing with a friend recently, and I told her I was feeling blah these days. I am not super depressed. I’d say I have been feeling a low dose of it. I’m a bit anxious. There are no specific reasons or big life happenings going on. I have just been in a general state of anxiety. My mind races about all the things. And I have been taking naps every chance I can get. I wake up tired and go to sleep exhausted.
I’m not sure why. I’m in the process of trying to learn better rhythms in my life. I am not good at resting, really resting. I don’t mean doing nothing. I think I do that fairly well.
As I am growing in this practice, I realized this fall it’ll be twenty years since I met Christ — two whole decades. That blows me away! Where did all of that time go? Where is the girl who had one day realized she was a sinner in need of a Savior one minute and found herself a righteous daughter of God the next? What happened to all of that joy and excitement of meeting Jesus and falling in love with Him?
I think I misplaced her or maybe I lost her. Maybe she was taken. But something happened to her. I am not the same person I was then. None of us are. I have changed for the better, but in some ways I haven’t really changed.
I heard about this lead pastor in California who every year tells the first-year students of his church’s school of ministry that he’s excited they’ve sacrificed to be in school. Then he tells them to take him to coffee in twenty or thirty years and to tell him they are still burning and in love with Jesus.
Every time I hear that story, it hits me — every time.
I feel like I was burning easy for years on years. But over the last few years, that flame has dulled. I think it has been a number of reasons why — a little bit of apathy, along with the cares of this world, mixed with a little bit of life overwhelming me, and at times the enemy attacking me.
But I’m done! I want that white hot fire again. I want Him as my sole desire.
Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken the love you had at first. Consider how far you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place.
Revelation 2:4-5 (NIV)
In the first few verses of chapter 2, the church in Ephesus was being commended on their ability to do the right thing and discern truth and false teaching. They were a church that endured suffering well and held on to the faith. But God essentially was telling them that they had grown cold in their love for Him. They were going through the motions of religion and obligation. Their deeds were good, but there was no love for Him motivating them.
I often wonder after decades of walking with God, how easy is it for us to slip into duty over delight. Our lives get busy and hard. The demands continue to increase. We know what we should do and we do it, but we do it just because. We don’t do it because we love God and want to please Him.
I want so badly to live a life that bursts with love and gratitude to the One who saved my soul and set me free!
For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.
2 Timothy 1:6-7 (NIV)
When Paul writes to Timothy in this letter, it was written in the context of his family’s legacy and influence. It’s beautiful. Paul tells him that the faith he has was an overflow from both his mother and grandmother. Verse 6 is two-fold. First, Timothy has a role: he is to fan into flame the gift of God inside of himself. But the second role comes from Paul laying his hands on Timothy offering prayer and imparting faith and gifting.
How many times do I struggle and suffer in silence? How many times do I avoid asking for prayer or help when my flame is burning out?
He has given us this gift of His beautiful church to come alongside us a family, to spur us on to continue to fight the good fight and finish the race.
I don’t have all of this figured out, and that’s okay. You don’t have to have it figured out either. The Father delights in our process of pursuing Him. He loves meeting us in our dry and weary places and pouring out His living water.
His Spirit refreshes us, encourages us, builds our faith, and equips us with everything we need to thrive in our relationship with Him. Today is the day! I’m returning to my first love — simple and wholehearted devotion to God. I will love Him with the love He has given to me. Will you join me?
Do you feel as though you’ve forgotten your first love of Jesus?
What are the things that have pulled you away from Him?
I don't have all of this figured out, and that's okay. You don't have to have it figured out either. The Father delights in our process of pursuing Him. -@karina268: Click To Tweet