When I was a newly-minted widow, I started to struggle with envy. In those early days of grief, it was excruciatingly hard for me to see all the summer vacation photos with daddies playing with their kids, the wedding anniversary celebrations, and the perfectly-crafted family Christmas pictures. Feelings rose up inside me that I never faced before. My heart was pricked with surprising envy and jealousy because I desperately missed my man, and I was trying to parent my three daughters alone.
We often use the words jealousy and envy interchangeably, but there are some important nuances. Jealousy is motivated by the fear of losing something or someone, like a friend. Envy is aroused by wanting someone else’s possession, character qualities, talents, gifts, etc.
We live in a culture that sets us all up for constant comparison. I believe comparison is a tool Satan uses to divide us, discourage us, and push us into isolation instead of flourishing together in community. Just think about all the Bible stories that deal with jealousy and envy. Cain and Abel, Jacob and Esau, Rachel and Leah – even the disciples had to work through the jealousy and envy among them.
I have watched friendships grow toxic, neighbors keep to themselves, and marriages grow bitter because of envy and jealousy. As a mama of three daughters, I’m realizing it’s important to process these feelings regularly. I need to model for my girls how to combat envy that creeps up on us even in the smallest ways. We need to call out jealousy and encourage each other to turn away from it.
The Bible challenges us to be on guard against these thoughts. Peter paints a powerful picture in his first letter, encouraging all of us to “clean house” and get rid of anything in our hearts that might be divisive or distracting:
So clean house! Make a clean sweep of malice and pretense, envy and hurtful talk. You’ve had a taste of God. Now, like infants at the breast, drink deep of God’s pure kindness. Then you’ll grow up mature and whole in God.
1 Peter 2:1-3 (MSG)
He exhorts believers to live in a way that they might win over their non-believing neighbors — not with legalism or righteous attitudes, but with gospel-centered humility and love.
Social media is one area where envy and jealousy are often stirred up. We may see a post of two good friends getting together without us and feel that twinge of jealousy. Or we might see someone share about an exotic vacation, a success in their business, or a gorgeous family photo, and we feel envious, wishing we had what they have.
The core dilemma is: What do we do with those feelings?
Here are a few things I’m working on:
Bounce jealous or envious thoughts. In other words, if I look at someone or see something that makes me jealous or envious, I bounce that thought out of my mind and don’t let myself dwell on it. I turn away from the scarcity mindset that tells me there’s not enough to go around.
Rejoice with that other person. I might send a quick word of encouragement, share a compliment, or simply whisper a word out loud to myself rejoicing with that person for the gift they’ve been given.
Pivot toward something edifying. If I notice I have consistent feelings of jealousy or envy showing up, I intentionally unfollow people or even turn off social media and spend time in God’s Word. I may reach out to intentionally connect with my family or with another friend who inspires and challenges me. It’s healthy to take a break and refocus.
Offer up gratitude. In that first year after my husband’s death, I challenged myself to share gratitude on social media. I wrote out the gifts God gave me each day and posted them on Facebook. I thanked Him publicly for the swirling colors of the sunset, the sink full of dirty dishes, my two-year-old’s contagious giggles, and the breath in my lungs.
That simple practice shifted something deep inside me. I no longer focused on my pain and discontentment. God lifted my head to see Him at work even in my season of grief. Little did I know that modeling that practice was affecting others too. Through the years, many have shared stories with me about how reading through my gift list during that season inspired them to write their own gratitude list.
Sometimes I hesitate to post pictures of our family or with my new husband Shawn. I’m especially sensitive to what my widow-mama friends might see or how a friend prone to jealousy might receive it. However, I’ve realized it’s not fruitful to constantly be second-guessing myself. Managing others’ jealousy is not my job. Instead, I ask myself a simple question: “Is this post pointing people back to God’s glory?”
Friend, do you struggle with jealousy and envy? Do you find discontentment coloring your outlook or relationships? Let’s stop living with a scarcity mindset and instead bask in the abundance only God can provide.
Pray this simple prayer with me today.
Dear Jesus,
I confess I’m letting jealousy and envy take over too many of my thoughts. Help me to surrender these feelings back to you. When I feel insecure, help remind me who I am in your eyes. Show me opportunities to collaborate and build others up.
Amen.
Dorina has written a Bible study called Flourishing Together: Cultivating a Fruitful Life in Christ about learning to flourish by God’s design in community. She loves speaking on this topic for women’s events. Check out her study and other books at her website.
Let's stop living with a scarcity mindset and instead bask in the abundance only God can provide. -@DorinaGilmore: Click To Tweet Leave a Comment
Dorina,
While I was reading your post, I thought of the scripture in Exodus wherein God describes Himself as a “jealous” God. By that He means that He wants our FULL commitment and devotion, not some half-hearted, lukewarm, allegiance. When I get jealous or envious, I try to remember Who is wanting my attention….kind of like jealousy and envy are “red flags” that I need to refocus. Sometimes I think the enemy really uses social media to draw us into the comparison game. We need to be wary as it can be dangerous territory. For me, the best counter attack to the green-eyed monster is gratitude. Like you, I keep a gratitude journal and it really helps to combat the scarcity mindset and to remind me of just how abundant is God’s lovingkindness toward me. Excellent post!
Blessings,
Bev xx
Great words Bev but you are a light here and I’m grateful for you!
Jas,
Thanks for your sweet words and encouragement. I am continuing to pray for the RIGHT job opportunity to present itself. Sometimes it hurts when God stretches our patience muscles!! I know He has the perfect plan for you…keep trusting and leaning into Him.
Blessings sweet friend,
Bev xo
Thanks Bev I really rely on the knowledge of your prayers and others here at incourage xx
Gratitude is such a powerful weapon against these feelings! I agree, Bev!
Dorina,
I recently ie last week was reject for two jobs in the one day. One of the jobs I was sure was what God wanted for me and I was crushed when I came down to the last two. I need to step back and let go which is getting easier and give it to the Lord. My relationship with him and gaining discernment of his plan for me is far more important. My sister in law got elected on to council and I am so happy for her.
I had to be quick to change my mindset when thoughts appeared that I knew instinctively would lead down a path of envy or jealousy! I truly am happy for her and thanked God for this blessing.
Picking out all the things in my life yo be grateful for to God and definitely not leaning on my own understanding here! It’s hard though when you really want a job and it’s not in Gods plan. It hurt. I really cried! Praying for discernment! Thank you for your post and amazing example you have set for your daughters and us!
Jas
I am proud of you for pivoting away from those feelings and settling into gratitude!
Thank you! I need to keep trying x
Amen! This post is a great encouragement thank you so much.
Preaching to myself too! Glad you were encouraged!
Dorina, To Bask in His Abundance is key here as you have worded so well. I found myself longing for a place to call my own this past weekend as I perused a thrift store and found a framed picture I told myself I would hang up someday when I owned my own home. Those thoughts only led me down a path of discontent for what I already had. When I returned home that day I was reminded I had been given abundance by just the very breath I breathe. I wish I could say I had overcome and combated those thoughts of longing, however I’m grateful for the reminder of what I already had in abundance. It’s a daily mindset when we get the privilege to say Thank You Lord in all circumstances.
Praying with you! I’m glad you could bask in His abundance in the present and still pray for the future!
Counting my blessings is one of my best tools for combating jealousy. Never really thought about the differences between jealousy and envy. When jealousy happens, I think it would be helpful to ask myself what I am afraid of losing. Acknowledging my fears and naming them reduces them. Thanks for this encouragement.
That’s such a good question: What am I afraid of losing? A helpful way to lead us back to truth.
Aah social media… a blessing and a curse. I recently retired from the workforce, and then had to cancel my first planned trip due to family illness. I’m currently caring for my mother in a rehab center for nearly 2 months now following a fall, while my brother is staying at a hospital in another city caring for his wife who crashed following aggressive chemo treatments that killed her immune system and vital organs. Praise God for sparing her life, but she still has a long road to recovery.
I do get a little envious when I see my friends posting about their travels and fun outings. This is not how I envisioned my retirement. At the same time, I have settled into a routine and am focused on enjoying the time I have with my 88 year old mom who also has dementia, realizing that all too soon the day will come when I will long for one more day to spend with her. So for this season the nursing/rehab center is my mission field. I’m learning to love the precious souls there. God is blessing me and teaching me in this season. There is much to be grateful for, even if it doesn’t look like I envisioned.
Gail, it’s so hard when life doesn’t turn out as we imagined or dreamed. I certainly get that. I love the way you are seeing God’s work even right where you are. God be with you as you minister in that rehab center!
wonderfully written ! I think thankfulness always overtakes jealousy or envy. we all have things to be thankful for and time with family in any circumstance is one !
Dorina, thank you for this reminder of how jealous and envious thoughts can steal our joy. Thank you for your suggestions on how to combat these feelings. I am a work in progress, as always. I suppose we all are, in one way or another. May you be blessed!
Friend, I am journeying right along with you. Always a work in progress!
A very timely message. Thank you!
Peace and Blessings to you!
God is always right on time! I’m glad He met you in these words!
Dorina,
Satan is getting more crafty daily. He is using social media to lure us away from Christ & into a sense of jealousy & envy. He wants us to desire the world’s stuff. Making it all look so good. He makes us think we have to work long hours, many days to achieve & have it all. When in the end it is nothing but rubbish. For that reason I don’t do much social media. So easy to fall into that trap of his. Like you a make a thankful journal often. Listing everything from Home in Heave, Sins forgiven to small things like paper clips, & everything in between. Doing that erases the scarcity mindset. You realize how blessed you are. This world needs to bask in the love, greatness & generosity of our God!
Blessings 🙂
So true! It’s important for us to have boundaries. I’m grateful for the many ways social media has connected me to people, but I have to be on guard of how the Enemy uses it to stir up envy and jealousy. I’m glad you see it too!
thankyou for this wonderful write up. I believe women struggle with jealousy and envy. I had 4 friends dump me after coming to my new house…i was humble and simply had tea but they made comment after comment about the house. they couldn’t get over the blessing I was given.
I was on Facebook years ago and seen so many bashing each other or the fake ” look at my perfect life” portrait. I was never so happy as the day I deleted the account an d spent more time living my real life..not looking in on others lives.
I honestly believe thankfulness is the key to not having greed..envy..strife or jealousy.
Krissy, thank you for sharing your story. It’s so difficult to navigate. I’ve lived in plenty and poverty myself and I’m always surprised at both God’s provision and people’s reactions. I’m glad you’ve discovered the power of thankfulness!
I think people’s reaction to blessing remains the same as Joseph’s brothers who were jealous of his gifting . I find it common to see people’s envy when they see another do well even in the church.
thankfulness in our lives even for the small things keeps us happy and humble so we don’t treat others bad when we see them get a blessing.
I have lived with lots and with nothing so have seen both sides ..
I have found all these comments truly inspiring and just what I needed to hear. My circumstances are quite different and difficult as I see Christian couples doing what I would love my husband and I to be doing but he is not a believer and I have followed this road for many many years!
Thank you for reminding me of what I do have ! And to be grateful
God bless you.
Hi Susan! I am praying for you as I have been there too. Keep prayin g and trusting. I know it is so hard, but God can change anyone’s heart in His time.
Susan, thank you for sharing your story. I’m praying for you today. May God give you eyes to see His unique gifts just for you in each day! And praying for your husband to know Him soon!
Oh Dorina!! Love you and your heart!! ❤️
Thank you for your encouragement, dear friend! I’m cheering you on as you write your devotional!