I could barely breathe. My heart pounded in my chest, and I didn’t know if I even wanted to breathe.
Every mom’s greatest fear became my reality — my son died. He had taken his life.
I was ten hours from home, on vacation with my oldest daughter and her children, when I received the shocking call from my husband.
Never would we have imagined such a devastating loss.
Suicide was a word other people discussed, cried over, and otherwise grappled with. It was never a word I needed to consider. My life had the picket fence, the green grass, and the stuff dreams were made of.
Until that day, five years ago, when the world I knew crumbled at my feet.
In the tapestry of my life, a string had been pulled, and in the aftermath, it unraveled with overwhelming consequences. Our family grieved this tremendous loss in individual ways. Some leaned in to one another by talking about their grief. Others pulled away and kept to themselves. All of us felt deep heartache.
Initially, I was in shock. Then, the busyness of the funeral preparations left me with no time to feel. Eventually, after life went back to normal for everyone else, I found myself in a dark, lonely place — feeling split wide open and spilled out, terrified I’d be there forever. The unanswerable question of why pierced every thought and crushed my soul.
Where was God when my son took his life? Where was He when all I wanted to do in my grieving was to go to sleep and never wake up? Where was He when my family was grief-stricken to the point of despair?
I needed the comfort of knowing God was there, holding me, yet I couldn’t hear His voice. In truth, I couldn’t bring myself to talk to Him. I was angry and confused. I had nothing to say to Him.
Finally, after weeks of struggling to find a sliver of hope, I gathered enough nerve to ask God what He was thinking.
When are You planning to help me? How long will I cry and toss around in my bed without finding sleep? How long will You leave me here — alone?
Part of me couldn’t believe I spoke that way to the God of the Universe. Who was I to yell at God? To question Him?
Wearily, and even reluctantly, I reached for the Bible I hadn’t been able to open since my son died and opened it to the Psalms. There, I found words of sorrow and anguish so much like my own:
I am weary with my moaning; every night I flood my bed with tears; I drench my couch
with my weeping.
Psalm 6:6 (ESV)
As I dug deeper into the Psalms, I discovered that David, the shepherd boy, psalmist, and eventual king of Israel, also faced grief and suffering. After reading his words in that psalm and others, my heart understood what David’s felt long ago: God wants to hear from His children. He can handle our questions and our anger. He allows us to lament.
Lament — pouring it out to God unreservedly — is biblical and truly a gift for the hurting heart. When we are overwrought with grief and drowning in a sea of questions, lament is an invitation to give your pain and your questions to the God who sees. That matters! We all want to be seen and heard and loved, no matter what.
In Psalm 13, when David felt great pain, he sang in anguish:
How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
Psalm 13:1-2 (ESV)
Pouring out our grief, confusion, and anger to God is cathartic. It helps lift a weight God never meant for us to carry. It makes hope visible, and we can see the light at the end of our dark tunnel of despair. Possibility fills every cell of our bodies as the disappointments and discouragements of this world are released to our God — who is big enough to handle it all.
My heart is broken over the loss of my son, and grief will be with me until I’m standing in the presence of Jesus. But pouring out my heart to God allows me to experience hope while I am still in the suffering.
No matter what you’re dealing with, there may be days when you feel like you can’t breathe either. There may be days you feel you are going through the fire. But God left us this promise in His Word:
Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.
Isaiah 43:1-2 (ESV)
God wants to hear from His children. He can handle our questions and our anger. He allows us to lament. -Faith Griffin Sims: Click To Tweet
by Faith Griffin Sims
Faith Griffin Sims
I’m very sorry for your loss. I can only imagine the pain felt by you and your family. Praying for continued healing. Thank you for sharing
Jas, thank you! I appreciate your prayers.
I am so, so incredibly sorry that you have had to go through such a horrendous tragedy. God is clearly using you to help others who are faced with this horrific situation. Thank you for your witness.
Claire, thank you. My prayer is that others will see hope in my story.
Faith, this was so beautifully written. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. Your story will help many!
Lauren, thank you. That is my prayer!
Oh, Faith, I am so sorry for this unimaginable loss, and yet you have spun gold from this dry straw with wisdom and grace. Thank you for acknowledging that there is pain that we will sit with until we see the face of Jesus, and yet, at the same time, we press into him for a comfort that enables us to trust for the day’s strength.
Michele, thank you. Yes, we hold the grief and the hope in our hands at the same time.
There are no words for this kind of grief, but it is clear God is tenderly carrying you and moving through your words extend continual comfort to others, including myself who have experienced the loss of a loved one taking their own life. Thank you for these words of truth in how to release these heavy burdens and exchange them for hope.
Yes! Exchange them for hope! I like that. Thank you for your kind words.
This is beautiful and so important. It mi site red to me in ways I wasn’t expecting. Thank you for sharing your story and your heart.
Thank you sweet friend!!!
Faith –
My heart breaks for you. I cannot imagine the pain you have endured. Praying for God’s comfort for you as you bless others with your vulnerability and openness.
Elizabeth
Elizabeth, thank you for your prayers!
I havent experienced grief that deep in my life yet but I do fear this. I have a daughter who struggles with anxiety and ADD and on medication and considered ODing after a bad day. Thankfully she called her older sister instead. Every day can feel like such a struggle. I can relate to going to bed and just not wanting to wake up. Such a good reminder to my soul that our is a God who sees and hears and understands and encourages me to just Come to Him. I love the Psalms. Thank you for the encouragement this morning and your vulnerability .
Hi Lori, I am so sorry for the grief you are experiencing. I am praying for you and your daughter right now. Aren’t the Psalms amazing?
What amazing and truth filled words. Thank you for sharing your heart, your faith, your story, and your beautiful son with us.
Thank you Sara. My prayer is that it helps at least one person (hopefully many).
Thank you for sharing your heart and your story. I cannot imagine the pain of your loss. Know our family is praying for yours. This was beautifully written and just what I needed to hear today.
Sabrina, we all appreciate the prayers. I am glad it got to you when you needed it.
I cried reading your article and then I praised God for loving us! Thank you for sharing!
Yes! He is a good good Father!!
Thank you, Faith for having the courage to share your life with us. My life as a pastor’s wife has been Full of many trials! But the Lord is there to help when the testing seems unbearable. It’s amazing how the Lord comforts us in His Word when we have the grace to open it…He guides us by Hoy Spirit for our healing. We will be lifting you up as the holidays are near. May you know in your deepest heart that God can use brokenness to bring a blessing to others. May you feel His peace and continue to use your gift of writing for His Kingdom Bren
Brenda, thank you for your loving words. Your prayers mean so much!
Thank you, Faith, for reminding me that God sees me and my circumstances even when I’m too weak or too despairing to look up at him.
The God who sees us! It is too big to comprehend. I am so thankful!
As always you write from your heart. Such a gift God has given to you! May this be a help to many in their grief or daily walk with life issues. ♥️
Thanks friend. Yes, praying it makes a difference!
Faith,
So sorry for the heavy loss you feel. It is one thing to lose a loved one, but to have it done this way is super hard. God wants us to come to Him with questions. There have been times when all I could do is yell at God & ask why. My aging dad was put in psych hospital twice. On several occasions I would sit down in the lobby & cry out to God for him to take dad. I’ve learned that God allows us to yell & question Him. He doesn’t get upset with us. He lovingly holds us & gently whispers I’m here. The Bible is full of people who questioned God & went through painful times. Even Jesus on the cross yelled “My God my God why have you forsaken me?” We all reach the point of anguish sometimes & just need to cry out to someone who understands & cares. Praying for you & y our family as you heal. May God be near to the broken hearted.
Blessings 🙂
Beth, I am so sorry to hear about your dad. It is so heartbreaking to watch our parents become so feeble (whether mind or body). Isn’t it wonderful that He does lovingly hold us? I am praying for you and your dad now.
Faith, I am sorry for the loss of your son. No words can make the pain lessen and like you said, this grief will never end til the end of our time here. I know this grief you speak of. I lost my best friend of over 40 years almost two years now and it doesn’t get easier. Sometimes I feel it gets worse. The memories of our shared lives are everywhere and every turn I make, I am reminded of her. This deep immense pain that leaves me feeling as if I am drowning is so real. But yes I know that God is with us at every moment that we grieve, every tears that we weep. He is our comforter and He is walking beside us, listening to us, loving on us. All we can do is trust in Him and know that although we cannot see the reasons to such events, He loves us. Praying for continued healing to your heart and may the memories of your son warms your heart and allows you to find joy as a way of honoring him. Until we see our loved ones again, let us encourage one another in love! Thanks for sharing this message. God bless you and your family.
Dear Maylee, I am so sorry for the loss of your friend. It is a hard journey that is anything but linear. Thank you for your encouragement, and I am praying for you now as well.
Thank you for sharing your heart! This was heartfelt and beautifully written. It will help so many struggling with grief.
Thank you Amanda. That is my hope and prayer.
My son was killed in Iraq in 2006. There really aren’t the right words to describe the pain, loss and grief that I have experienced. I used to pray Eph 6:11-15 and picture him getting ready for a mission. I was so very sure he was coming home. After he was killed I was so very angry at God. I just didn’t understand why He hadn’t answered my prayers. Chris was my only child. How could He have allowed this? Like you I prayed to not wake up. I had many thoughts about giving up. I too, wasn’t able to pray or worship but I did go to some bible studies. It was 3 years later and at the very end of a bible study that I feel I was touched by the Holy Spirit. Beth Moore was speaking and when she said, “When I put on my helmet of salvation”……I realized at that moment that my prayers had been answered, just not in an earthly way. Chris did know the Lord! He had salvation! At that moment my anger left and never returned. It has been the hardest walk of my life even with a few other losses of those close to me. I’m thankful for those who continue to love and support me and for a God who is always with me. Without Him I would have been lost forever! I’m so very sorry for the loss of your dear son! Hugs and prayers through this journey.
Oh Kat, my heart breaks for you. I am so sorry for the tragic loss of your son. Yes, I am thankful that God offers us such abundant grace. He understands our pain and grieves with us.
Thank you for this Faith…man, this life is full of things we never thought we’d have to face. I am so grateful that even when we just dont get it…and we’re even mad at God…He doesn’t leave us, but sits down with us right where we are. I loved reading this piece.
Yes, Brandy! He sits with us right where we are—never leaving us in our pain. So thankful for a Father that loves me even when I argue with Him. His grace is abundant!
I never had kids. I was not that brave to have any. So I will never feel your pain. Never know what you went through. You as Mum when you heard your son done what he did. Probably said too yourself. Did I do something wrong. Why did I not see this happening. You can until the day you leave earth ask all thoes sorts of questions. The question can go on. I will give you this peace of advice even though I was never a Mum. Remember don’t blame yourself for any of this. Always remember this you where a good Mum. You did your best for your son. You loved him. You could do no more for him. Pray and leave all at the foot of the cross with Jesus. That is what my Salvation Army Officer told me to do with my family problems. To remember they are not my fault. I could not have stopped them happening. I had to pray get help and leave it at the foot of the cross with Jesus. Not beating myself up about it. Stop saying if I did this or this or this would things be different. Now with the help I got I am different person today and with Jesus help I can forgive and no let it hurt me any more. Yes I will never forget about it. Like you will never forget about your son. But you will heal. Like you are now telling your story to people. You never know it could help someone. Hearing it and help them heal. If they been through the same thing and finding it hard to get over it. Saying why and asking God why did you let this happen to me. It not Gods fault. God didn’t let it happen. We are the first to blame God and say God why did you let my Son or Daughter take their life. Why did you not tell them to get help. As parents you want to blame someone so if saved you blame God. Your story I know God has had you tell it for a reason to help you heal. By you telling it for other to hear it who have been through the same thing to know God is close by and he is with them every step of the way he will help them heal and through his Holy Spirit if saved tell them to go get the help they need it. If need to talk to someone to get it of their chest how they feel. So as they can get the help they need to heal. Not blame themselves. As parents. Plus Surrender all to God. Keep you in prayer Love Dawn Ferguson-Little
Faith, Thank you for sharing your heart with honesty and transparency. I started crying three paragraphs in. Thank You God that we can pour our hearts out to You.
Bill, thank you. I am so thankful that we can give it all to Him—and trust Him with it all.
Dawn, thank you for your encouragement. A suicide loss is one that leaves us reeling with questions that we will never have the answers for. I am so thankful that we can trust God — even in this.
One last small comment. Remember this but true song.
What a Friend we have in Jesus all our Sins and Griefs to Bare.
Such a true song. You get it on youtube. What Friend we have in Jesus. We can go him with anything. Worth listing too. Yes a good old song. Some times the oldies are the best.
Love Dawn Ferguson-Little
Yes!! I love that song and sing it often! Thank you for sharing.
Faith, only in my own grief have I become more attuned to the deep loss that comes when a loved one takes his life. Oh friend, your words today came at great cost and I’m lifting you up to the only One who can comfort when life unravels as you’ve described. What a beautiful reminder this morning that we can go to God with hard questions.
Lisa, thank you for your encouragement. Life does unravel and I am thankful He loves us enough to hold us through it all.
Beautifully written, mom. Thankful we serve a God that sees us, a God that can handle our anger and our questions and a God that knows our sorrow.
Psalm 56:8
“You keep track of all my sorrows.
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book.”
Thank you! I am so thankful for the amazing family God has given me. We have cried enough tears to fill many bottles – and He tenderly holds them all. I love you.
Faith, thank you for sharing your journey, your heart and your words with all of us. So much love being sent to you. ❤️
Melissa, thank you!
Thank you for your words. I’m so sorry for the loss of your precious son.
Mine and my family’s hearts are still aching from the loss of my brother to suicide three years ago, tomorrow. Shared this with my momma… watching parents lose a child, in this way.. has been one of the most difficult parts of This process. Blessings to you and your family. ❤️
Jamie, I am so sorry for your loss. I am praying now! What a sweet daughter to share this with your mama. I know it has been difficult for my other children to see us grieve so deeply. It is hard to see them grieve their bother as well. they adored him and feel like a part of them is missing. This is a hard and lonely journey. I’ll be praying for you all tomorrow as well.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your son. Grief is a lifetime process and I needed to read this today. Thank you for sharing your heart and beautiful words with us.
I am so glad it got to you when you needed it. Thank you for the encouragement.
Beautifully written. I am so sorry for your painful loss. Thank you for being brave enough to pour out your heart to help others and to glorify our Lord.
Thank you! I pray God uses it all for His glory.
It devastated me when I lost my only son to suicide. It seems only in some distant past have I ever been happy yet it has only been 17 months. I have yelled at God many times. I have pleaded, cried, and just sat with Him. He is big enough, and loving enough, to listen. Thank you for the reminder from Psalm 13
How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
The Psalmist continues crying out to the Lord and praising Him. He concurs God can handle our lament and will listen in Psalm 22: 24:
For he has not despised or scorned
the suffering of the afflicted one;
he has not hidden his face from him
but has listened to his cry for help.
David, it is devastating! He is a good Father who loves us and promises to never leave us. So thankful for that truth.
Faith, thank you so much for sharing your heart. I pray for comfort and peace for you and your family. God bless you friend ❤️❤️
Stephanie, thank you so much!
This is so beautifully written. Thank you so much for sharing. I needed to hear this! Lots of love to you
Thank you, Janelle. I am so glad to hear the words resonated with you.
Amazing words!
Thank you, Jessica!
Faith, you are such a gifted writer. How I wish this wasn’t part of your story. I am always in awe at how even through unimaginable tragedy you have allowed God to use you to minister to others that are hurting. While my pain this past week is not even close to what you have experienced, this is the reminder of God’s faithfulness that I needed today. I love you my precious friend!
Kerry, thank you for your prayers, encouragement, love, and listening ear.
This was so beautifully said, Faith. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
Laura, thank you for your kind words.
You are an amazing woman of God. Thank you for sharing with us. ❤️
Angie, thank you so much for your continued encouragement.
Faith, your faith is an encouragement to me and so many others. You & Bart have blessed my life for many years
Jim Law
Jim, thank you.
Such beautiful hope, here, Faith. Thank you for sharing your story and yourself with us.
Amanda, thank you for your encouragement! I appreciate you!
Faith, I’m so sorry for your loss. I have been following you for sometime and each time you share your story I’m in tears. The feelings you share are as if I were writing. I lost my son, Joshua, to suicide 8 years ago. His birthday is November 19, from this time forward through holidays are like a nightmare I can’t get out of. Thanks for your encouragement.
Debbie
Mother of Joshua
Debbie, I will be praying for you in this difficult season. Thank you for your kind words and encouragement.
Faith, what a beautiful post. I lost my 15-yr-old daughter to suicide 3 years and 9 months ago. I lamented so much and Psalms definitely helped. You spoke my reality. I wanted nothing more than to sleep and follow my babe and yet I also wanted to stay and be with my son. Straddling 2 desires, heaven and earth. And oh how I also love that Isaiah verse. It’s carried me through. Thank you for eloquently articulating your heartache which so mirrors mine. You have my love and prayers, my virtual friend.
Karen, I am so very sorry for the loss of your daughter. Phillipians 1:23 resonates so much – “For I am hard-pressed between the two, having a desire to depart and be with Christ, which is far better.” NKJ
I am praying for you as well, sweet friend!