About the Author

Lucretia is the creator of Brownicity.com. She is a wife, mom of three, and a former college professor, whose passion for racial healing led her to author What LIES Between Us: Fostering First Steps Towards Racial Healing, and speak at TEDx Charlotte and Q Ideas Charlotte (2017).

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  1. Lucretia,
    As children, we are like little sponges soaking up all the people and experiences that surround us. We aren’t, however, very good interpreters of the stimuli we take in. When I was young, I was told over and over again that I was too sensitive. My parents weren’t very emotive and my emotions were off the richter scale. I interpreted that to mean that I was somehow flawed. Nothing could be farther from the truth, but that was my early interpretation. Getting to know God has forced me to re-interpret what impacted me. My parents may not have been warm-fuzzy people, but their love language was caring about me in meeting all my physical needs – a roof over my hear, clothes on my back, food in my stomach. I began to learn their love language and it reshaped my initial interpretation. By telling me to toughen up, they were just trying to protect my overly sensitive heart from the cruelty of the world. They meant well. What a great exercise in revisiting the positive things that were spoken over us and in ultimately looking to God for our definitive sense of self worth. Great post!
    Blessings,
    Bev xx

    • And in “ultimately looking to God for our definitive sense of self worth,” we know that being ‘too sensitive’ is a gift. Someone has to feel and express the groans of humanity that we look away from in an effort to avoid the pain. Thank you for being courageously sensitive.

      Shalom
      LCB

  2. Thank you for sharing!! This touched me in a lot of ways. “And yes, I know that God sees me and values me. I don’t struggle with that at all. My strife is with humans devaluing me. I am deflated when people treat me like I don’t matter.” I struggle with this as well. But you are right that when we are so focused on who seems to be devaluing us we lose sight of who is actually there for us. I am sitting down right now with my journal and asking the same question you did as I look back over my life. I think this is going to bring me some healing!

  3. After coming out of an abusive relationship, I am still working on knowing and accepting that “I matter. I am seen. I am valued. I am heard.” I worry most, however, for my daughter. I don’t want her to experience the pains that you did after your parents divorce. As a single momma, how do I affirm her and let her know that she is all those things to God and me?

    • HI Elizabeth.
      I think the process of internalizing a sense of insignificance happened in the absence of clarity. I believe it would have been helpful if my parents talked to me more openly and explicitly about why they were divorcing or what it all meant. Brene Brown talks about the crappy story we tell ourselves when we don’t have clarity or perspective. I think that having rich conversations with your daughter helps affirm that she is valuable and that she matters. Also, outright telling her that she is a gift (from the union that no longer exists) is so important. I always felt like ‘left-overs’ from my parents broken marriage.

      Grace to you.
      Shalom
      LCB

  4. Wow!!! This spoke to my heart and I didn’t even know I needed it. Thank you for sharing your heart with the world. This is a message I’m going to carry in mine for a long time!

  5. This is so good, Lucretia, and I’m helped in my own wondering about these very same questions by your determination to beat a path back toward the truth when lies come calling.
    Blessings to you and thank you for all the ways you encourage!

  6. Without a doubt, I know I was led here to read this. I am you and all of the women that will read this and feel themselves in it. What an incredible testament to who you are and how far you’ve come that you were able to find a way to heal, even if only for that moment. “You are disposable” are some of the cruelest words we can hear (even without actually hearing them) but looking for the positives with intention is a powerful way to drown them out. My heart feels you in your journey.

  7. Thank you for sharing this, Lucretia and for giving me a new way to journal. From experiences throughout my childhood through today there have been numerous times those 4 words, “I do not matter” or at times 5 words”I do not matter, enough.” But now I have a new way to see that I matter through other’s eyes, if not the ones who I feel this from(or perceive to feel it from). In my writing I so want my readers to know their voice matters, and yet I can have the most difficult time telling that to myself.Now, I can remember who told me that my light shined and they saw it, even if I am missing them dearly, now that they just went to heaven. Thank you for this encouragement and blessing us with your faith. <3

    • I agree. We are often so distracted by how we were not appreciated, that we miss the experience of being seen and heard by others. My brother once told me to focus on ‘who was there’ and not on ‘who was not there.’ Gratitude and celebration belong with those who are present and serving.

      Thank you reading and replying with encouraging words.
      Shalom
      LCB

  8. Thank you Sister for being so vulnerable and writing this! You’ve brought to light something I’ve not been able to name for myself, so now I can name it and with our Lord work through it. You’ve blessed me today!

  9. I could be the one writing these things. I know that God loves me so much but I still feel so worthless. My mom is my champion and I’m so grateful for her. I have not “arrived” yet, however, I’m still looking for the rain that God has promised and I cling to that.

    Thanks for sharing your story. It means so much to me.

    • Hi Tammie.
      I’m so glad to hear that you have a champion in your mom! I am encouraged that you are clinging to God’s promises.

      Thank you for reading.
      Shalom
      LCB

  10. Lucretia, this is a very moving piece! Your words point to a feeling that weighs heavily on many of our hearts. Thank you for speaking them so eloquently.

    • Thank you Iren. I didn’t realize that so many people would relate. I am glad that I could express the weightiness with words.

      Thank you for reading.
      Shalom
      LCB

  11. I struggle with feeling very disposable and uncared about. I am no longer married after 35 years when my husband found someone else much younger about thirteen years ago and hid his affair while treating me very badly, like a piece of garbage. I was always a stay at home mom raising four children…and now a grandchild. We divorced a few years ago and I am trying to find my way and a sense of value. God has done a lot of healing, yet there is so much more to be mended. I continue to feel like I am wandering with no sense of purpose or real value- I am 62 and able bodied and still attractive, yet that often doesn’t seem to matter. Going to Psalms has been a great comfort so many times-David is so relatable! I believe that God does hold our tears in a bottle and cares about our shredded hearts with all of His own heart.

    My children are all grown, gone and married now, with their busy lives and we don’t see each other very often. I do have my 13 year old granddaughter, whom I’ve had since birth and will until she graduates from high school. I hope to instill in her how important she is to me, to others, and especially to God. She struggles with a sense of rejection as an adopted grandchild as to why her own mother does not have her. As a grandparent, I hope to be that one person who showed her how valuable and loved she is. Even if my own well feels somewhat empty, it overflows for her. God fills me enough to keep on going.

    The Lord is using our life situation for good though. Nothing is an accident. Our wounds are what build us into who we are, yet they do not need to define us. Blessings to you Lucretia, and thank you for your post.

    • Linda.
      I am so sorry that you’ve experienced all this pain.
      May you continue to rest in God’s process of healing. May you feel lighter and freer with each passing day. May your ashes be transformed to beaming beauty. May you and your granddaughter tangibly feel how much you are loved by the God who created the heavens and the earth for you.

      You matter greatly.
      Shalom to you
      LCB

  12. Thank you for sharing this. I can remember even though I am big now and Married. The hurt when Dad left my Mum. It was his fault. He should have been by my Mums side. She was my late Mum so brave. She said one thing that still stick with me today. It so true. When your Husband dies you know where they are are. But when they are having an affair you don’t know until someone tell you. When you find out it hurts so bad. You wonder what you did wrong. You blame yourself say yes it was may fault. Until you get out of that mode. If you know your not to blame. To watch the other person hurt not nice. I have forgiven my Dad. I did pray for my Mum. I pray now for my Dads salvation. He is now by himself. I am glad. I am the only saved in my family. I had to be brave through it all years ago for my Mum. But no it has made my Marriage stronger. My Husband is saved. It have made me put Jesus first in our Marriage and everything me and my Husband do. As without Jesus I would not be the person I am today. I don’t let the Devil fill my mind with past of what happened in my Mum and Dads marriage that was my Dads fault. I look at my own Marriage and look back to the day 26 years ago in June this year that I made my vows. Those world pop into my head. I know they are from Gods Holy Spirit. Until Death Do Us Part. I say see Satan You Old Devil you are not going to brake up my marriage. Like you did with my Mum and Dad. I made my vows Until Death Do Us Part. That is way it is saying. Until God takes one of us home first. I say Amen to that. I not listing to his lie. Love Dawn Ferguson-Little xxx

    • Dawn,
      What an incredible story of resilience! I think that as children of divorced parents, we enter our marriages with weighty intentions to keep our marriages alive and in tact. We have to be careful not to be crushed by this weight, but be solely inspired by God’s intention for our union.

      Thank you so much for sharing your story.
      May your marriage continue to be a gift to you, your spouse, and the world!

      Shalom to you two!
      LCB

  13. You are an excellent writer and a Beautiful woman of God. I love to read your posts they are encouraging to me. I Pray the Lord will Bless you always and know that you are LOVED.

    • Oh wow!!! Thank you so much Julia!
      Your words of encouragement have lifted me today!!!

      I am grateful that you find a connection through my words.
      Shalom to you.
      LCB

  14. I was raised by a verbally abusive mother..who at the age of 80 still won’t repent.
    when I am feeling less then worthy I throw my hands up to God praising him for finding me at age 4 and carrying me my whole life , although tough words were spoken to me he can erase the pain.
    I am now a prayer warrior and strong for others. God can truly transform anyone in any situation .

    • Hi Krissy!
      What a powerful story of restoration and redemption! Thank you for sharing.
      Thank you for filling the atmosphere with God’s words through your prayers. You are helping to transform ashes into beauty.

      Shalom to you.
      LCB

  15. Awe, thank you for sharing! I struggle with the same things because my ex-husband left me for another woman 12 years ago & I have always & still do feel God’s will would be for restoration for us. Their relationship broke up for some years & now they are back together. My daughter was 3 & my son 4 months old when my ex left & my daughter has so many emotional things going on, such pain. My son, sees nothing wrong with things. Now that my ex is back with the woman he left me for, my daughter is in so much more pain!! Her relationship with her dad is horrible, he knows it, admits it & still chooses this life. Thank you for the encouragement for me & for my daughter to write out who sees us when we have been rejected & in pain!

    Thank you!

    • Hi Dawn.
      As I read your words, my heart broke for you and your daughter. I know that pain. And I also know that when humans break things, God’s restoration and redemption is available and becomes more visible. As you grieve (as you should), know that the pain will fade and that new life is in place for you. Your table of abundance has been prepared even while you tasted lack and brokenness.

      Shalom to you.

  16. Thanks for sharing and being so honest, vulnerable. This resonated with me because it is me as well. A reminder that we are not alone/I am not alone or unseen.

    Peace and Blessings to you.

  17. “Achievements and accolades were the perfect concealer, and having a boyfriend meant that at least I mattered to someone, even if he didn’t have the capacity to truly see me.” This is me too.

    Lucretia, I’m full of emotion after reading your post and the comments that have come before mine. So much pain. So much hope. Thank you for being so beautifully vulnerable and inviting us into your process with God. I know He is going to use your words in significant ways. This is my favorite post you’ve ever written.

    You matter. You are seen. You are valued. You are heard.

    I’m so grateful you’re here at (in)courage!

    • Hi Becky!
      Thank you so much for reading.
      I was surprised to read your ‘…me, too.’ I am surprised to learn that I am not alone.

      May we all be set free INDEED by the TRUTH!!
      Shalom to you friend! I hope the sick bug leaves your house soon (and goes straight to the pit of hell…lol)

      LCB

  18. Lucretia, I so needed this today. I started my own list and plan to add to it over time. Thank you. ❤️

  19. Ooh, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!!!! This topic is my BIGGEST struggle and has been since childhood ! This is where I NEED to see God’s deliverance. I appreciate you addressing this subject, especially as another Black Woman! I matter, I am seen, I am valued, I am heard! That will be my mantra for 2020!

    • Hi Aisha!!!
      We need a choir singing this mantra around us all day long. May you know that you matter — that you are seen, valued, and heard. May you walk in the victory and freedom of this posture — especially as a Black woman!!!

      May God continue to sing TRUTH over us!!
      Shalom to you, friend!
      LCB

  20. Beautiful! Reminds me of one of my favorite songs “Who I Am” by Blanca, a song that is definitely full of truth, unlike the one so many of us replay in our minds!

    God Bless!
    In Beautiful Chaos

  21. Thank you so so much !!! Be blessed and know that we all are preciously loved, seen, and heard! We do matter, no matter what non perfect human beings and the circumstances are trying to say to us and/ or make us feel !!! with the very little energy we have left, let’ s always crawl back to what we know is true!!!

    • Hi Zoe!
      Thank you for reading and sharing this:
      “with the very little energy we have left, let’ s always crawl back to what we know is true!!!”

      YES! I Iove the image of crawling back to truth after we’ve been depleted by lies.
      Shalom to you.
      LCB

  22. Lucretia,
    You brought tears to my eyes while reading your incredible post. You put into words what I’ve been feeling lately and thank you for sharing how to change that tune by changing our thoughts.

    Keep writing… you’re a wonderful writer!!

    • WOW Joyce!
      Thank you for your encouragement.

      May you walk in the posture and truth of your significance. You are seen, valued, and heard! You matter!!
      Shalom to you.
      LCB

  23. Thank you so much for this. I struggle with this a lot, especially in the area of motherhood and friendship. I was hospitalized for mental health reasons when my daughter was 9 months old, and during that time my mother did a lot of her care-taking. I am so grateful that she was able to step in while I was so sick, but it left within me a deep-seated fear and lie that I am incapable or unworthy of being my daughter’s mother. This was almost 10 years ago. My daughter was a baby and has zero memory of it and she adores me with all of my heart, yet it haunts me more than I care to admit. I try to bring my awareness back to the fact that God sacrificed His son on my behalf. This alone makes me a worthy human being. I try to remember, too, that HE CHOSE ME to be my child’s mother. Thank you for your post. I want to make my own list. Your words and reminders from His word are a blessing.

    • HI Amanda!
      I love that LOVE manifested through your mother aiding and supporting you and your daughter when she was nine months old. Our world and lives are full of ravines and needs, but GOD is with right there with us. There is no better mom for your daughter! BTW, have you read ‘No Better Mom For the Job’ by Becky Keife?

      Thank you for reading and sharing.
      LCB

  24. Lucretia,

    Today’s society is nothing like it used to be. We are more mean spirited, filled with disunity. It is so easy to hurt people’s feelings with a click of the mouse. We tend to let those words sink in & dwell on them.
    Instead, we need to focus on God & the people right in front of us. There are many people cheering us on, yet in our busyness we don’t take the time to see or hear them. Each of us was made unique & we experience trials differently. People need to stop & take a look at those around them daily. See who is there rooting for you. People need to be in the word as often as possible. Read & know what God calls you-“beloved daughter/son of Almighty God” “Heir to the throne” ” Beautifully & wonderfully made in His image.” Take time to journal those who helped you in the past. Write some thoughts about who God calls you. Look at it often. Recite it loudly each morning. Make it your rally cry when you hear the lies of the enemy. Let’s kick the negative recordings to the curb for good. We are seen, valued, heard, loved & cared for! No more negative records going off in our heads.

    Blessings 🙂

    • Beth.
      Thank you for the encouragement! Its easy for children to misinterpret the cause of traumatic situations. They are easily shrouded by their inability to see beyond their own small lives. But praise GOD that growth and resilience are a part of the healing process. We can overcome false messaging that has been lodged into our childhood memories. We can have a new perspective. We can sing a new song.

      Thank you for reading!

  25. Lucretia,
    Thank you so much for sharing “the story you tell yourself”. I have been listening to the same broken recording in my own head. I have found it difficult to change what I keep hearing. It is a mental battle. But… we can practice and take control of those thoughts. Thank you for reinforcing a method. I can review my history and dig deep to remember who God placed in certain seasons to “see” me and affirm me. Focusing on the people and places that affirmation was received helps rewrite the story of my journey. I will repeat your words until they become solid food for my soul. Yes, God always sees me … and he places people along our path to ease our pain. We just need to “see” them.

    • Hi Jen!
      Yes! You are right…we can practice!! I love this! Practicing is a journey. We can learn to love the practicing process knowing that we get better, braver, and stronger with more PRACTICE.

      Thank you for reading and sharing. May you be well. May you live in shalom.
      LCB

  26. I love this too, too, too much. The song imagery (as a musician) is especially poignant to me and shaped the way I absorbed your beautiful message of surrender. Thank you so much, Lucretia, for letting us into this very vulnerable part of your heart. As always, it is these posts with which I most resonate…it’s in sharing your vulnerability that we are able to fully face our own. You make it okay for us to be ourselves, in our imperfection and insecurity. And oh, how I love your new song – I will be singing it fully in my heart. Have the most blessed Christmas season.

    • HI Cynthia!
      You are welcome. I am grateful that my words brought connection and inspiration. Let’s keep singing truth over ourselves. The One who created us speaks nothing but truth over us. Let’s us persistently and consistently join in singing TRUTH songs.

      May you be well. May you live in Shalom.
      Thank you for reading.

      LCB

  27. What a beautiful, heartfelt, authentic, healing, sacred reflection to read in this Advent season! Thanks for your willingness to show how our vulnerability shared in community makes us stronger, more resilient, more loved.

    Much peace to you, as you sing the song of one who is seen, mattered, heard, and valued!