I recently felt the familiar rise of anxiety. Tension crawling up the back up my neck. Mind racing. Hands slightly shaky. I couldn’t catch a deep breath no matter how much air I filled my lungs with. I don’t know if you’ve ever had this experience, but it’s like coffee jitters in your heart even when there’s zero caffeine pulsing through your veins.
My mind and spirit were overloaded by deep concern for people I love who were going through really hard things. Things like cancer and chronic illness and job loss and endless unknowns about what tomorrow holds. God gave me very tender wiring. I feel the shock and pain and heartache of others as if it were my own. From the middle of the night when I couldn’t fall back asleep to all the in-between moments of my day, I had been praying for these dear ones. Claiming God’s promises over them. Praising Him for the work He was doing and would yet do.
I was full of faith and hope, yet blanketed in sorrow. It can be both.
Now it was Tuesday evening. My night to write. My husband was taking care of dinner and then treating the boys to dollar ice-cream cones at our favorite local sweetshop. With wet hair and my favorite gray sweater, I was whirling around the house trying to get out the door and make the most of my precious time. Me. Computer. Panera. Stat.
I opened my laptop to eject the flash drive before slipping it into my tote bag when I saw a new email. I clicked. My heart sank. Miscommunication? Misunderstanding? Had I missed the mark or had she? This was a situation without a clear resolution and I instantly felt miserable. My anxiety meter ratcheted up a few more notches. I sat down to compose a response. My mind was a swirl of words and what-ifs, expectations and disappointments. And I still couldn’t shake the underlying angst over my friends who were living big life-changing challenges that put my anxious heart and little work issue into proper diminutive perspective.
“Lord, I just can’t write today,” I whispered. “I just can’t do the work.”
Do you ever feel that way? Like life’s crises and curveballs make the ordinary rhythm of your mom job, career job, your take-care-of-the-home-and-yourself-and-all-the-things job just too much? In that moment I wanted to close the blinds, get a big blanket, curl up on the couch, and watch a movie that would make me bawl. Sometimes that’s exactly what we should do. But this day, I needed to do the work God gave me. I needed to move through (not stuff down) my anxiety.
I needed to acknowledge my feelings, my frustrations, and the weight pressing me from all sides — and then promptly hand it all over to God.
I hit send on the email I had rewritten three times, put my laptop in my bag, and walked over to my couch. I kneeled down. And I poured it all out to the One who holds it all anyway. I named the friends whom I was hurting for. I prayed for the frustrating email, prayed for grace for me and grace for the other person.
In the midst of my praying, I realized my hands were clenched in tight fists. So I made my physical posture a representation of my spiritual surrender.
Fists closed: These things are not mine to hold.
Hands open: I surrender the outcomes to you.
Fists closed: These hurts are not mine to control.
Hands open: You are loving and good, and I entrust it all to you, Lord.
I breathed in with each clenched fist and out with each open palm. It was helpful that I didn’t have children running around, tapping on my shoulder, or asking for a snack. But I have done this kind of breath prayer in a car full of noisy kids and while hiding in the laundry room.
Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. A rhythmic rehearsing of God’s truth. Inhaling His promises. Exhaling my trust.
My knees started to ache. An injury from high school paired with being thirty-seven is rough. But with the stiffness of my joints came a lightness to my heart. God was with me. He would equip me for the one next thing I needed to do.
This is an excerpt from Becky Keife’s book, No Better Mom for the Job: Parenting with Confidence (Even When You Don’t Feel Cut Out for It) published by Bethany House, a division of Baker Publishing Group.
Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Let your breath be a rhythmic rehearsing of God’s truth, inhaling His promises. -@beckykeife: Click To Tweet Leave a Comment
Becky,
God gave me “very tender wiring” as well. I know the feeling of anxiety – a tsunami-like wave that starts at your feet and rises up to crash upon your heart. I know the experience of circuitry gone amuck in my brain, synapses firing furiously. It stinks and it paralyzes you in your footsteps. I can’t count the number of times I’ve gone down on my knees and opened up my palms. Often the very thing we need is the very hardest thing to do…press on. Distract. Get your brain focused on something other than what’s driving you crazy at the moment. It doesn’t magically make the anxiety pass, but it’s hard for your brain to be razor focused on doing two different things. Doing something different actually changes your brains circuitry. It’s kind of the “fake it till you make it.” All that being said, if someone suffers from chronic, ongoing anxiety, I highly recommend seeking medical help. Medicine is not a crutch… sometimes (like in my case) it’s necessary in order to do life. Depression often accompanies anxiety, and there IS help in treating them both. Great post.
Blessings,
Bev xx
Bev, you describe this so well! Nodding it total agreement with you. Sometimes playing a simple puzzle game on my phone helps reroute that circuitry in my brain. Other times it’s been seasons of going to professional counseling. And you’re right, for some medication is the way God’s going to bring about relief or healing. Thanks for sharing your experience and encouraging others. xx
In response to Bev’s post. You are absolutely right! Sometimes meds are needed and are not a crutch. If a person has a broken bone, you would go to a Dr. and have it set. Anxiety is internal. If anyone is struggling with anxiety/depression, go get help. There is no shame! Do not believe those who say you just need to pray more. Yes, prayer helps you through it and He can heal you, but sometimes we need to get on our knees and ask for help. I too, have “very tender wiring” and have been allergic to meds. Thankfully, my Dr. told me about TMS treatment and it has changed my life. I thank the Lord every day for this! Be proactive, extend grace to yourself and pray!
Lori
Oh I’m so glad you said that . I’m sitting here in tears bc my college son had to start on ADD meds bc he just has the hardest time focusing and put this mom on the edge with worry ! I have taken an anti depressant for years and have wanted to get off of it but would plunge into hopelessness . I always felt so much like a failure bc of it . Feeling like a double failure bc of what he is going through! He had chemo 7 years ago and we think that is a side effect which we had heard that it may present latent problems . It just hurts me so that he degrades his ability and intelligence . I’m a sensitive soul too ! Thank you for your encouragement and prayers . “ Be still and know that I am Lord “
Arcelis,
Praying for you sweet one. You are not a failure. Just because your son has ADD is not a measure of how you stack up to being a mom. You’ve done your best to raise a great son that is in college. Don’t put yourself down. You are fearfully & wonderfully made in the image of Almighty God. He doesn’t make mistakes!! He loves you & cares for you. Give yourself a whole lot of credit for all you’ve done over the years-even dealing with your son’s cancer. That is enough to drive a sensitive soul mad. I’ve been there.
Blessings 🙂
Arcelis, Oh, mama, it’s so hard to see our kids struggle. As has been said, taking medication doesn’t make you a failure. God doesn’t want to see any of us in a pit of hopelessness, or our kids in a state of constant distraction. May God whisper assurance to your heart and your sweet boy’s. Thank you for sharing so honestly.
Lori, I appreciate your words of experience and encouragement. ” Be proactive, extend grace to yourself and pray!” Yes! With you, sister.
Grateful, Becky, for your determination to follow closely.
Thank you, Michele!
I am not a Mum never will be. One day I felt because I was Christian. I had to be the caring one. Helping people in my family who were hurting. Be there for them. Go round see if they need any help. They got they couldn’t do without me. I be visiting them every week. Doing what ever they asked to try and make them happy. But in it all I was not thinking of myself. Taking time for Dawn. I thought as Christian if I didn’t do it for them. They say Dawn your not a very Christian person. They were not well because of something that had happened too them. This all happened years ago. I then broke down myself. As I was doing everything to please this one person. The one thing I couldn’t do was heal their broken heart. If I could have I would have. I then became no good to them. God took me to one side. Said Dawn yes you can be kind and caring to this person but you have to look after Dawn as well. First spent time in my Word the Bible and Prayer. Leave this person in prayer and with me at the foot of the cross. Yes visit them. But remember you are only human. You can only do so much. Tell them you Love them. You will visit them and stay only a short while. But need to get home to rest yourself. If they don’t like that. Be nice say but your leaving them but you will see them soon. You need your rest too. Through this I found me resting getting back to spending time with Jesus and putting him first. Made me see God was right I also had to look after myself as well. Plus I was also able to do more for this person the way God showed me. This person then realise that I needed my rest as well. When I did visit her she appreciate it and the time we spent together ment alot more to them. They thanked me for taking the time to care. God was good. Love Dawn Ferguson-Little xxx
Thank you for sharing your story, Dawn. Blessings to you.
Um, were you sitting at my kitchen table this morning as these same thoughts and emotions were racing through my mind? Thank you for being brave and vulnerable and for sharing how you moved through it. You encouraged me on a day I desperately need it.
Oh, Beth, isn’t God just good like that to give us the encouragement we need just when we need it? So grateful to know this was timely for you.
I love this. Thank you for sharing sister! ❤️
Thank you for reading, Stephanie!
Becky
Thank you for this wonderful message. I really can relate to this and now I will pass this on to my other sisters in Christ who will benefit from your apples of gold. We might be continents apart, but I can still pray for you.
Gods blessings
Annari
Grateful for your prayers and sharing, Annari!! Where are you reading from?
Becky,
This is such a moving post. Thank you for your raw honesty. Psych issues are something the church needs to get talking about. It is time we quit telling others to pray more, harder or have more faith. Get your heads out of the sand. It is a misfiring of the brain’s wiring. God gave us doctors & medicine. Go ahead & seek all the help you need. Thank you for the reminder of breath prayers. I first heard about them in Bonnie Grays book Whispers of Rest. It is a simple way to get your body back in rhythm & calm the soul. We all need to release our problems & anxious thoughts to God daily. He can handle them better than we ever could. let’s unclench our fists & let God have the issues that worry us so. Also let’s praise Him for loving us enough to care about each trial.
Blessings 🙂
Beth, I am with you! Anxiety and mental health issues are so complex– it isn’t just an issue of “have more faith” or “stop feeling that way.” I’m so grateful God is intimately concerned with our wellbeing, and that translates into drawing us to His Word and prayer as well as providing the doctors and additional support we need.
I really related to this article. I relate! The same afflictions are accomplished in your brothers and sisters in the world.
I believe we are touched with each others’ pain in the body of Christ as well as with each others’ joys and victories.
We are members one of another…and every joint supplies need and nourishment from another.
In these trying and perilous times we are living, it is very necessary that we bind together and pray one for another that we may be healed…that we may be encouraged, unplifted, strengthened comforted. For in touching one another and tarrying one for another, as God’s word tells us do in true communion , 1st. Corinthians chapter 11, we are touching more than the hem of Jesus garment as the woman at the well in Jon chapter 4 ih her issue, we are actually touching the very heart of God, obeying His word as we join in unity bearing one another’s burdens and so fulfilling the law of Christ….Love is the fulfilling of the law. The body of Christ needs each other . We can’t and were not meant to function or fight these battles all alone. We are the body of Christ and members in particular. Soldiers in the army of the Lord! We are His mighty, victorious army…in this spiritual battle and war,
we must BACK each other, STICK UP for one another, BE THERE for one another. Notice, IT IS WRITTEN, IF TWO OF YOU AGREE AGREE AS TOUCHING ANYTHING THEY ASK IT SHALL BE DONE, then again, TWO ARE BETTER THAN ONE FOR THEY HAVE A GOOD REWARD FOR THEIR LABOR…and yet again, ONE PUTS A THOUSAND TO FLIGHT, ‘TWO’ TEN THOUSAND, AND THREEFOLD CORD IS NOT QUICKLY BROKEN. On and on throughout scripture we can refer to the members of the body of Christ NOT BEING ALONE IN THE BATTLES OF THIS LIFE.
Thank you for writing my heart in this article, for truly I have been feeling the same way in my intercession for exactly 3 different friends and sister in CHRIST…..Love in Christ Jesus…Love is the greatest gift of all we can share with each other. Sister Susy West
Thank you, Susy. I so appreciate your heart for prayer and intercession. I’m so glad this post resonated with you.
Addressing difficult emotions is one of evangelicalism’s weak areas. We might not drown our sorrows in drugs and alcohol, but we have a tendency to claim that we’re giving it all to God, to believe that we’re being truly thankful, to speak of hope and peace and joy, when in reality we’re simply using a more acceptable form of escape: denial of the misery inside. Thank you for recognizing that we can be full of faith and hope, and yet at the same time be blanketed in sorrow.
Sometimes I struggle with how to move through, rather than stuff down, my emotions. Usually, taking them to God, being totally honest with Him, and begging Him for relief releases the anger and fear and hopelessness.
But occasionally I’ve found myself wallowing in the pain, making no progress in working through the distress. Stuck. At those times, praising God in spite of the difficulties, finding things to be grateful for even when I don’t feel like giving thanks, seeing the good in little everyday events helps to lift my heart and my soul out of the pit. (Adapted from my blog at https://thosewhoweep.blogspot.com/2019/11/responding.html.)
Thank you for your honesty and for providing us with another tool to use in working through our anxieties.
Ann, just reaching my hand out through this virtual space and letting you know you’re not alone. We’re so glad you’re here. Grateful this post and topic was meaningful to you. xx
Thank you expressing how many times I feel inside. But, I push it aside and go on with a smile through the pain.