“I’m sorry. How can I help you?”
The first time I heard it, I thought I must’ve been mistaken. The second time I heard it, though, I realized that was indeed what she had said. The girl at the drive-thru window of my local McDonald’s had started apologizing before taking orders.
Now, I realize we could easily make a joke about how yes, fast food workers should apologize for the sub-par junk food they sell. And this particular McDonald’s actually owes me several legit sorries — for slow service, missing fries, wrong food altogether, and that one time my four-year-old wanted a smoothie but the smoothie machine was broken and then I had a crying kid and no smoothie for our entire drive to the babysitter.
But it struck me as so strange that this young woman was saying she was sorry before we’d had a single interaction. And this happened on more than one visit (yes, you caught me, I frequent McDonald’s on a scarily regular basis). It wasn’t a huge leap for me to assume this was a new habit, that she had become so accustomed to needing to apologize that she decided to just lead with that — as if she owed me an apology simply for existing, simply for doing her job, simply for . . . serving me? What?
I see the same thing happening on one of my favorite apps, Voxer. It’s a messaging app that allows you to send voice or text messages (or GIFs, my favorite) that the recipient can listen and respond to on her own time. It’s more personal than texting but not intrusive like an actual phone call. I use it to keep up with friends and for work, and you can message with one person at a time or to a whole group. It serves as a watercooler at work, a conference room, the back porch, or the coffee shop — perfect for friends or colleagues separated by distance (and time zones).
I’m not telling you all that to advertise or to convert you to Voxer. No, I just want to make sure you understand the number and variety of conversations I’m having with people via this app every day. It’s a lot. And in almost every single one, I’ve noticed women beginning messages with — you guessed it — “I’m sorry.”
I’m sorry I didn’t reply sooner.
I’m sorry for whining.
I’m sorry to ask.
I’m sorry I wasn’t more clear.
I’m sorry that’s a dumb question.
I’m sorry I just talked for seven minutes!
I’m sorry I don’t have time to chat today.
I’m sorry you can hear my kids in the background.
I’m sorry I’m breathing weird; I’m on the treadmill.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry.
What is happening here? Why are we all so sorry all the time? It’s not as if any of those things are serious transgressions. If someone needs a faster response, I can be reached in a dozen other ways. If a colleague needs clarification, she can ask. If a friend can’t help or isn’t in the mood to listen to me vent or is bothered by the sound of my kids bickering in the backseat, she doesn’t have to listen to my message. Or she can listen later. Or she can hit the fast-forward button and listen to an annoying or long (or annoyingly long) message that way.
If you’re tempted right now to confess that you, too, apologize too often — and apologize for that? Stop! Don’t do it! Instead, take a deep breath. And remember that you have the right to be here — in this community, in a conversation, on the subway, in the grocery store aisle, at the mom’s group. And you have the right to be human, to be imperfect, to be real. Don’t apologize for being here, for being you!
Are you clumsy? Perpetually late? Awkward? Too talkative, too loud? Too quiet? Tall? Short? Big? Small? Taking up too much space? Asking too many questions? Too vulnerable? Too sarcastic? Too much? Too real? Too you?
No, you aren’t. Don’t apologize for being you. You are wonderful. You are loved. Yes, you. You are God’s handiwork, and remember, when God looks at His creation (you! me! all of us!), He says, “It is very good.”
In Paul’s second letter to Timothy, he writes, “Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who has no need to be ashamed, rightly handling the word of truth” (2 Timothy 2:15). I can’t know for sure, but that makes me think Paul wouldn’t be a big fan of frequent, flippant apologies and the popular hashtag, #sorrynotsorry. Instead, I think he’d tell us what he told Timothy:
Do your best. Work hard.
Do not be ashamed.
Speak the truth.
When we rely on empty apologies rather than putting in the hard work, when we are embarrassed to accept and live out who God made us to be, when we say we’re sorry when we’re not, we’re not really covering up our problems or excusing our own existence. We’re creating problems and living in shame.
And when we’re ashamed of ourselves, for reasons that don’t matter or for something that has already been forgiven, we’re forgetting the most amazing truth of all: When we confess our sins, God forgives us and washes us clean. Then, we no longer have anything to be ashamed of.
So, today, let’s simply do our best, stand unashamed, and speak the truth (instead of saying sorry).
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I absolutely love this! It is perfect for today. Thank you for reminding us whose we are and that we are indeed loved. Thank you for encouraging us to strive to work hard, not be ashamed, and speak truth. God Bless!
Thank you for reading and for your kind words, Christine!
Great insight. So true, but I had never noticed the intensity or frequency of “I’m sorry” before reading this. Thank you for bringing it to light.
It’s one of those things that, once you notice it, you can’t avoid hearing it!!
I’m gonna be hypersensitive to the I’m sorrys now. ;~) But oh the grace available to us & each other! Don’t apologize for being human for in our humanity we see how awesome & great is God! Thank you for this wonderful encouragement/challenge! Blessings!
Yes, Ruth, I’m so grateful for God’s grace that enables us to extend that same gift to others!!
I’m from Canada and the number one thing we say is “I’m sorry”. Has nothing to do with inferior work …we’re just super polite!!
Yes, I’ve heard this about Canadians! It seems as if you all might use “I’m sorry” in a much different way than we do. So interesting!
I say”I am sorry” all the time to everyone! I even told my pastor. I was sorry I was alive. God made me the way I am and is not sorry.!
Oh, Deborah, I am so sad to hear that you felt sorry for being alive. I’m absolutely glad you’re alive and I know God is too!
Thanks so much for this thoughtful insight, Mary. Goodness, I will apologize to a door if I bump into it! And I realize my daughter says this often, as well. It’s been handed down through the generations! It’s time for a pact… No more “I’m sorry” for daily, human, silly things; it’s only for real hurt we might cause each other, knowing forgiveness and grace are readily available.
Yessss – a pact sounds brilliant! And I think you’re onto something else: when we overuse and misuse the phrase, “I’m sorry,” it starts to lose its effect when we actually hurt one another. Here’s to breaking this cycle!
AMEN!!!!!!
Thanks for sharing your perspective, Mary. I totally agree that we shouldn’t use “I’m sorry” so often that it becomes empty apologies. And we shouldn’t live in shame, but should receive the grace and love of God which covers our sins. Your conclusion was beautifully said!
But, I wonder if it’s because I live in another state with a different culture, because I’ve noticed the opposite with the use of “I’m sorry,” especially in the church. In my experience, many people have a hard time saying it. But a simple, “I’m sorry,” means so much! It shows humility and can open doors for communication. It accepts responsibility and gives room to the other person to accept responsibility for their own mistakes or sins.
I bring this up, because I noticed it recently when I lost a close friend. I thought we were working through some disagreements, but in the end there was an unwillingness on her part to work through those. I’d noticed before that she had never said I’m sorry for other silly little things. It had struck me, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt. I knew her love for God, so I didn’t need to hear an “I’m sorry” as much as see a willingness to listen to me. Looking back, I now see that I’m not sure there was ever an accepting of responsibility for her own mistakes. It also made me look back at other experiences I’ve had in relationships gone awry, especially those in the church, and everyone of those were with a person who had not accepted responsibility for their own sins. Sadly, in those relationships, when I confessed my own sins and gave an apology, my apology wasn’t truly received by the person. There was also no acceptance of their own wrongdoing.
So yes, I agree we don’t need to apologize for who we are and live in shame. We shouldn’t say “I’m sorry” every time we turn around. But we should be quick to say “I’m sorry” when we see a failure on our part, especially when someone comes to us when offended. We don’t need to grovel and we shouldn’t allow ourselves to be shamed, but so many problems can be resolved with a sincere, “I’m sorry,” even if we didn’t mean the offense. And after we’ve said, “I’m sorry,” we should receive the forgiveness of God even if it isn’t given from the other person. Then, be full of grace toward others.
Awesome, the worse of it is when you even do apologise and the freind still bear grudges and you see the relationship gradually dieing because of unforgiveness. Its really difficult to live the life of christ that we preach.
Amen-agree. And I believe that perpetual lateness IS a ‘sorry’ situation, as well as chronic sarcasm.
Jacqui, thank you for sharing your heart and part of your story here. I can understand your hurt in the situation you described and agree that when we have genuinely hurt another, a sincere apology shows that we care and also that we value the relationship. You’re spot on about that.
Oh my gosh, Mary! This is so profound! I hear so many sorry’s all the time! And sometimes I feel like putting my hands on someone’s shoulders (not during this Covid outbreak) and saying, “You don’t have to apologize for taking up this space. You are important!”. But I don’t. Generally. Thank you for saying this. And I will watch my own “sorry’s”.
Yes, Irene – I often need someone to give my shoulders a shake (literal or not) and remind me that I don’t need to apologize for taking up space! We can all learn from each other on this one, for sure!
Excellent Mary. Well said. I am the type of person who feels I have to apologize just for being me. People would say why do you that. No matter what it is. That is who I am. So I end up saying sorry it annoys you. I not do it again. See I have learning Disability plus other problems. I do things with out thinking. Then people some times ask me. Not to do it again. I just say sorry I did that thing and it’s annoyed you. I read Mary what you said. You are so right I shouldn’t have to apologise for that being part of me. Who I am. I should just say. I try not to do it again. Especially if the person doesn’t know I have a learning Disability or other problems. That make me do things I don’t know I am doing. That annoy other people. As there are people out there in our world. That I know even if I did something that annoyed them. Told them the truth. I have a learning Disability. Plus I other problems. I do things I don’t know I am doing them. They some people still don’t understand me. They don’t live in my world and see things from were I am coming from. They can say Dawn try harder not to do it again. Your annoying me. Doing that. Stop it. Or even if I tell them the things that are wrong with me. They some people just look at me. Say yes I believe you have these problems. Behind it I know they don’t believe me. They say to themselves. Dawn doing it again. I have and have always done this from I was child. Go into a world if you know what I mean. Of my wone a daze. I don’t know I am doing this. I have been told I do this. I then start to hum. Are make silly noises. They are of nothing just sounds. Not a song or words. I don’t do I it. I don’t it that loud. But I keep on doing it. So many times a day. My Husband is so used to it he passes no remarks on it. But I have in the past been told. Dawn stop making that humming noise. It annoying me. By other people. Then I say sorry. To them for doing it. I say I will try not to do it again. Then with in 5 minutes. I doing it again but I don’t know I am doing. They can get mad at me. Say Dawn please stop that little noise you make. It getting on my nerves. I my late Mum would say when alive. Dawn is happy because she in a daze and making her humming noise again. I can see why it would be very annoying with me doing that. That doesn’t really know me that well. So sometimes. I have to explain that I didn’t know I was doing that. That is one problem I had all my life. They may believe me and they may not. But I have in the had people who believe me. They say Dawn oh that ok. Or they said Dawn’s happy she in daze doing her humming noises again. I say I will try that is all I can do. But most of the people I end up saying sorry to them. Then I will try not and do it again. But it happens again. Without me realising I am doing it. Making the humming noise. So that is who I am. God loves me no matter what. Humming noise and all. What you said Mary has spoke to me. I should stop saying sorry for who I am. For making that humming sound. I should just tell those people who don’t understand why I do it make the humming noise. If they don’t believe me. That is ok. Not say sorry for doing it I will try not to do it again. Then leave it at that. As I have nothing to apologise for. Or say sorry for when that is who I am. God loves me and my humming noise. People if they loved me they would accept me humming noise and all. Love me like Jesus does. Say to themselves. That is who Dawn is. She doesn’t know she is doing it. So I will expect Dawn for that. Love Dawn for all her other lovely talents. Plus Love her the way God does. Try not to let it annoy me. If they know me. But I have been told in the past. Dawn don’t let annoy you. That you do the humming noise you don’t know you are doing it. Don’t stop you being the beautiful person God made you to be and wants you to be. Theses people that say nice things like that to me. Do care about me. Like Jesus does. As I have in the past let this get too me. That it annoys some people. Me making the humming noise. I don’t know I am doing. As if I knew I was doing it I stop or try hard to stop doing it. God has said me in the past. Dawn you are you. They are them. If they accept that is part of you good. If not don’t let it annoy you. Remember what matter is what I God think of you. No people. Just let them be annoyed. Even if you try to explain to them that you don’t know you do it. It still annoys them. Thank you Mary for sharing you story on sorry. Why do we say it when don’t have too apologise for being us. No matter what it is. People I say have to remember we are all different. God made us different. We do things that annoy people. But we shouldn’t have to apologise for being who we are. By saying sorry. Unless it a sorry for doing something we shouldn’t have. Or we hurt someone with our words etc. Then we need to say sorry in those cases. So thank Again Mary you made me see things in God’s light. That I shouldn’t keep saying sorry for being me. Love Dawn Ferguson-Little Enniskillen Co.Fermanagh. N.Ireland xx
Dawn, you are so loved. Just as you are. I’m so sad that you’ve felt the need to apologize for who you are, but I promise you that God loves you exactly the way you are. After all, He made you that way! It can be so hard to resist feeling sorry for who and how we are, and we can be so tempted to apologize for the parts of ourselves that others find difficult. But you are wonderful and cherished by the Almighty God, every single part of you. I’m praying you feel God’s delight in you today.
Great reminder that words have meaning and that when we speak we should be intentional and not just speak to hear our heads rattle, as my dad used to say.
We all tend to rely on phrases rather than words well thought and intended. Thank you for your well thought and intended words. Reminds me that people really do listen and we should not speak carelessly.
Ooooh, Loretta, you make such a great point! Many of us (myself included) definitely talk just to talk and forget to be careful with our words. Thank you for your reminder about that!
I wonder if this is a female thing? And are we raising our daughters to continue in our path of assuming we are at fault? My daughter, her boyfriend and I have had this discussion recently about cultures raising girls to be nice no matter what and how I tried to empower my daughter not to feel the weight of that. When I worked as a school counselor, I tried to do the same with all students especially when we discussed personal safety. Apologize when it’s appropriate, but we need to teach our little ones that when someone tries to hurt us, we need not say sorry. And as tempted as I am to say sorry for getting on my soap box, I am going to refrain.
Yes, it’s absolutely more a female thing! I remember when I was in high school (just a couple decades ago!), my mom showed an article to my best friend and me about research that had been done on this topic. It showed that women FOR SURE apologize more than men, and often when they have no valid reason to do so. I’m glad you got on your soap box about this; I’m right there with you!
Mary this was an absolutely wonderful reminder that we are meant to be real not “nice” and perfect. I remember an experiment someone did years ago at Stanford where they put a chair in the middle of a busy college hallway and then secretly filmed people’s reactions to bumping into it. Almost universally women who bumped into it apologized to the chair or air around it whereas men said things like “who put the chair here?” and either moved it or said an expletive and moved on. I think the whole apology ‘thing” comes out of the expectation that girls are meant to be perfect etc. It is part of our want to please and be liked but what the world has us sacrifice is our humanity and unique qualities to achieve worldly expectations. Christ came to set us free from all expectations but His. Loved this- thank you. Bev
Bev! This is all so fascinating! Both that experiment and your point that this problem stems from society’s expectation that women meet unrealistic (perfect) standards. I’m going to be thinking about what you said here for a while!
Awesome, the worse of it is when you even do apologise and the freind still bear grudges and you see the relationship gradually dieing because of unforgiveness. Its really difficult to live the life of christ that we preach.
Stella, you are so right. That can be a really hard situation to work through. And yes, it’s really hard to practice what we preach (or practice what Jesus preached!). Praying you feel God’s love and presence today.
Mary,
My husband is a constant “I’m sorry” person. I ask him “what are you sorry for?” If he says nothing I tell him don’t apologize. Deep down he may be sorry for things, but if you can’t name them don’t say it. Just be the wonderful Christian husband God created you to be. We must remember that we are fearfully & wonderfully created in the Image of Almighty God. Quit apologizing for who you are & just Do your best. Work hard. Do not be ashamed. Speak the truth. God will handle the rest.
Blessings 🙂
Good words, Beth. And yessssss – God WILL handle the rest!