This year, I decided it was time to torture myself by going to grad school to get my masters in Biblical theology. I had no idea what I was getting into and if I did… honestly, I would have said no. This past week our first paper was due and I had several thoughts, one of which was, WHOA, academia is a very new and uncomfortable world for me. Why are you all so obsessed with footnotes? And another was how much I wanted to quit because I was so uncomfortable.
To tease this out more specifically, I was really afraid of looking stupid and, in essence, weak. It turns out, I don’t know as much as I thought I did about God and faith and the ins and outs of the Bible. I have no clue how to read Greek and Hebrew nor have I been immersed in these cultures. Now that I’m learning new things, I’ve also had to unlearn some of my Western-lensed leanings. The process of unlearning and relearning, tedious research, hours of reading, and re-reading has made the learning curve incredibly steep.
So let me paint a very clear picture:
I have absolutely no clue what I’m doing, only that I’m being obedient to what I feel God opened a door for me to do. And I am not loving how it’s poking all around at my identity, belonging, and the dreaded ego. The truth is, I am very wobbly, weak, and apparently when you work on a paper for so long, also unkempt. You should see my eyebrows — not cute!
As we voiced our complaints to one another in our seminary cohort, a classmate reminded us that we are loved and belong whether we get an A or F- on our work. And while it feels heavy right now, she told us to remember this is not our identity. Our identity in Christ doesn’t ebb and flow with how strong and sturdy we are or if we perform well.
This reminder from my classmate might seem basic, but I can think of other times in my life when I’ve felt so disoriented and uncomfortable that I wondered if God would show up for me if I performed poorly or showed weakness. This sounds silly to put in writing… but sometimes telling the uncomfortable truth shows us how we’ve grown or where we need to grow.
Boy, am I painfully aware of how I need to keep growing and keep trusting God with my limitations.
This semester I have consistently been reminded of these verses:
“Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn’t get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan’s angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first, I didn’t think of it as a gift and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,
My grace is enough; it’s all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.”
2 Corinthians 12:7-9 The Message
Being weak feels like a bad thing, but goodness has it made me run to God and beg for His wisdom. Being weak has also helped me remember I belong with Him even when I don’t feel like I belong in my new environment.
I am weak, and He will be my strength! I feel so much lighter thinking of it this way.
Now who wants to proofread these citations?!
Amen, Jami! The old joke of what to you call the lowest ranked graduate of Med School? …Doctor is a good reminder being top of the class is not essential. Yet I’m always tempted that when it’s Biblical studies it does seem more essential to get it fully not just passable. In God’s grading system He offers strength & wisdom in perfect measure. Keep at it Jami! It is God Himself who is your enabler & not only you will be blessed by your increasing knowledge! Blessings! (((0)))
haha! that joke seriously ministered.
Jami <3 ~
Thank you so much for sharing your heart, but also for pointing me to the Message translation of that passage in 2 Corinthians 12! I often think of Paul and his thorn relative to my own prickly patches. And yet God tells us this: "...My grace is enough; it’s all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness.” That'll preach.
(God has you right where he wants you...no doubt about that. You've got what it takes because you know the Giver!!)
xo
Robin, I miss you. And sometimes you just need a little Eugene Peterson to minister to you so you can hear it! love you.
Seriously have been feeling lower than low. A little over a month ago I was congratulating myself on how good I felt. How wonderfully I was sleeping. Off my anxiety meds. A week later. BAM! Time to take a beat.
That is so hard. Like the great theologian Paula Abdul says, It’s 2 steps forward and 1 step back. LOL. But seriously, it sucks to be making so much progress and then hit a new low. I prayed for you just now!
There was something very wise I heard that I think we all need to keep in mind. When it comes to footnotes in a Bible remember this: “The footnotes are not Inspired”. That is to say that some of them may sound good, but they aren’t The Inspired Word of God.
Beloved, when I gave all diligence to write unto you of the common salvation, it was needful for me to write unto you, and exhort you that ye should earnestly contend for the faith which was once delivered unto the saints. Jude 3 KJV
yes, lest I get lost in the weeds!
Oh Jami, you have no idea how much I needed this today! Thank you so much for sharing!!
It is *no fun* feeling like you’re out of your league instead of among the biggest fish in the pond. No fun at all. But it is indeed a really, really, really good growing opportunity. (also: you can do it! there’s a learning curve, but I am confident you can do it!!!)
Random note to also never trust generative AI if it insists a citation exists. Generative AI is excellent at 1. creating *plausible* (not necessarily factual) text, and also 2. doubling-down on everything. What you need in a citation is whether someone *said* this thing, and who, and where to look it up to check, and… it fails miserably at all three, most of the time (it occasionally the first two right). (spouse is a professor; has students name sources they’ll use in their research papers; had a student use generative AI for that for the first time this year, and… none of those sources exist, yet the student claimed to have read them! And that they contained the following topics and useful bits. The citations are an interesting mashup of scholars in the topic’s field, journals in the topic’s field, titles that are minor adjustments to existing journal article titles [i.e. swap the word “nuns” in an article title instead of “monks”], and random years and page numbers.)
(… also never use generative AI for step-by-step directions [it doesn’t actually know how the parts of a toilet are connected, or what steps are necessary to do [thing] to your computer successfully. Really, just don’t use generative AI for anything that needs to be either 1. accurate or 2. unique/non-plagiarizing or 3. not containing dog-whistles you didn’t mean to have in there.)
Citations are glorious for honesty, though! They make it easy to check what someone actually said, and whether their words or ideas have been represented fairly or unfairly. They’re a great corrective for many people – it’s so easy to want to exaggerate, or be sloppy and go from vague impressions, some of which may be really muddled or have crossed wires, but when you say things and have to cite where you got that from: it’s gotta *be* somewhere (rather than just “I have the general impression that someone said something like this”), you gotta *cite* it, and you know they can look it up and verify or disprove this particular bit so you have more of a push towards saying things accurately.
…but also, they’re a pain, and I feel ya. 🙂
Thank you so much for the reminder that God loves us – and can do things that are maybe even cooler with situations we’re *not* naturally good at vs. situations where we’ve maybe got it. 🙂
EW, no AI for me! I also want to learn–I’m not just trying to get through. Thank you for taking so much time to write this out and encourage me. Had no idea what I was getting into and it’s a weird world!
Ha! Just what I needed today. I also went back to school this fall, taking a chemistry course.
Scary has been an understatement.
Prayers are the overstatement.
Just seconds ago, I looked at a quadratic equation.
Seriously, I haven’t worked on a quadratic problem in over 25 years.
So yes, so happy to read your words today as I continue to work on my chemistry homework.
CHEMISTRY?! I can not. I would literally need a brain transplant to get through that. LOL
Jami,
The title grabbed at me. “Being weak feels like a bad thing, but goodness has made me run to God & beg for His wisdom.” I thought of this line from “All in All”: “You are my strength when I am weak”. God alone is our strength. God understands our feeling & frustrations. He wants us to be obedient servants. Run to Him for help & guidance with all of life’s problems.
P.S. Praying for God to help you write a great paper.
Blessings 🙂