For eighteen years, my life made sense.
I lived in the same small town, the same split-level house, went to the same Baptist church, had the same friends. I went to the local elementary school, then the middle school right beside it. I went to Sunday school on Sundays and youth group on Wednesday nights. I played sports, made good grades, won games, won awards.
I would eat Little Caesar’s pizza on Friday nights and go to the local college football games on Saturdays. I would meet my friends to play basketball on Sunday afternoons and, in the winter when it snowed, I would play football with them in the snow. I took the piano lessons and played in the recitals. I dated one boy in high school and was named “Most Likely to Succeed.”
That was my neat, “tidy” life, and it made sense. Until it didn’t.
I always knew that I would leave home for college — it was never really a question. So, I went one state over and enrolled in the same college as my boyfriend and my two best friends . . . except, in time, he was no longer my boyfriend. And, turns out, my best friends roomed together . . . without me. Suddenly, what I had always known became that which I didn’t know anymore. I had never been totally thrust into something new and, while there certainly were parts that were exciting, all the unknowns were overwhelming because the safety I’d always known was gone.
Then, after college, I married my husband (a pastor) and we moved again and again and again and again and again. I went from living in one small town to living in thirteen different houses in seven different cities in five different states. Just as I scrambled to find my footing in each new place — grasping to recreate the safety and comfort I had once known — it seemed hope would slip through my fingers right as we set out for the next new place.
This wasn’t the life I had planned. I found myself asking if this was really a life at all? Why couldn’t I have what I most wanted — stability, a place to be known, a place to call home? Was it my fault somehow? Was I being punished for having such a secure, stable childhood? I hadn’t experienced an environment that required me to develop resilience, to learn how to navigate change. Instead of walking confidently into the next season, I found myself floundering, stuck in survival mode.
Did anyone see me? Would anyone save me? Did anybody even care?
Sitting on my back porch sobbing one night, I got an image of a well and my tears were filling it up to the point of overflow. I didn’t know it then but that image would be one of many that would let me know that I wasn’t alone. That, my haphazard life wasn’t a waste and that there was Someone who was keeping account of it all. Those tears I cried weren’t falling into some abyss; they were being caught and collected.
My weeping well was being transformed into a well of wisdom and my tears weren’t wasted; they were being used to water the soil of my heart by my good Gardener.
One day, I looked up and I simply knew the sorrow wouldn’t last. I knew that the wandering wasn’t directionless, and the journey — though treacherous at times — wasn’t over. All the times when I felt that life had no purpose, no destination, that my strivings were pointless and my contributions were meaningless. All the times I felt alone, misunderstood, and angry at the world. Every time I pushed away my friends, my family, my husband, my kids. Every time I felt less-than, not able to adjust or keep up, I was being held — held in the hands of the One who created me for something good, created me for a hope and a future.
In His hands, I was being molded, stretched, and pruned — but I was never abandoned; I was never let go.
I was held. I am held. And, because I am held, I am home.
Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.
Isaiah 41:10 (NLT)
. . .I, your God, have a firm grip on you and I’m not letting go. . .
Isaiah 41:13 (MSG)
Thank you for sharing. It’s interesting that for a while I thought things were going wrong, I mean really wrong, because I had a good stretch of the “perfect” life. Things are not by any means perfect now. Not even close. I still struggle but I am ok because I know I am in God’s hands.
Yes, you are held by God and nothing is wasted.
This resonates with my journey. Thank you for sharing.
♥️
Ashley,
Your words resonated within me and I see too that I am being held by the might God I serve. Thank you for making my day a little brighter.
You’re welcome. It’s such a comfort knowing we aren’t alone.
Amen!
Amen Amen Amen
Oh my goodness. I resonate with so much of this message.
So much so, after hearing my spiritual director tell me I was held, I now have that word tattooed on my arm.
I have been struggling with feeling no sense of home for many years after many losses, so thank you again for sharing this encouraging and timely message.
We are held.
I love this! I have been wanting to get a tattoo myself or a necklace to mark the profound revelation of knowing we are held.
Thank you! This really hit home with me
So glad it ministered to you.
Dear Ashley………Your words today really hit the nail on the head. Although I am 77 years old, it reminded me of college back in the 60’s. It is almost identical except the boyfriend experience. My one true love I met in my freshman year of college. We clicked right away and I really thought we would end up married. Wrong!! When we started our third year, he did not show up and I ran into his room mate and asked Ernie if Jim was back yet and he gave me a strange look and said, ” Betsy, didn’t he tell you?” NO! He decided to transfer to another school and decided I did not need to know. Much more to that story, but my room mate and the 2 girls next to us became very good friends, or so I thought. One night they went to a party, but I did not fell good and did not go. Well the next day, they did not talk to me as they were mad that I didn’t go. End of those friendships, I still don’t understand why this one little thing made them angry. Now my life was upside- down. The college would not let me change rooms and another best fried had lost her room mate. So it would have been an easy move, but back in the 60’s, things were so different than now. My life has been one difficult thing after another and I too also moved 6 times. I did pray so often and went to church. I did feel at times that no one cared about me, but then one day when I was praying, it struck me that maybe this was the Lord’s way of teaching me how to get through struggles. For several years things were good, but then the string of really heartbreaking problems arose and have continued to hit me. Too many to go into now, but at 77 I sometimes feel so alone even though I know that God is with me and my Holy Spirit is with me all the time and helps me. I just need to be more patient and wait for all of these things to end. I know God is on his own timeline so at some point I know I will hear from him or see where he is going with me. Thank you Ashley for your very interesting devotion today. Have a Blessed Weekend and my love and prayers I send to you……………..Betsy
Betsy- I’m so sorry that you’ve had so many struggles in your life. I pray that God will reveal to you how He has held you all along.
Honestly I don’t read every daily message but this one caught my eye and I feel this down to my toes! I had the opposite experience to you growing up because our family moved sooo much and there was always a sense of temporary and shallow rooted relationships, so I used to dream of a life rooted in the security you describe in your early life…I too wondered what was the purpose and felt invisible. It wasn’t until I understood, like you, God takes the haphazard and turns it into a harmony with where we are in His journey for us. Isaiah 41:13 has been evident all along…
God has shown me how the rootedness I desire is temporary and we are ultimately rooted in Him. He is our home.
This is lovely, Ashley.
Thank you!
I love that — “I was held. I am held. And, because I am held, I am home.” There truly is no place like home. Thank you!!
Ashley, thank you for sharing. I can so relate as my life hasn’t turned out exactly the way I had it planned either. But God has a plan and He uses every age and stage.
Sending you autumn joy,
Lisa Wilt♥️
Ashley,
Change is never ever easy. We all want the life we are familiar with. The same friends, family close by, etc. God in His infinite wisdom has plans bigger than we could ever imagine. My area in upper E. TN was hit by Hurricane Helene. There are still many counties & areas that are struggling. People lost houses, cars, etc. This area isn’t known for hurricanes. It was quite a shock to many. Churches, groups, & fellow Christians are helping them to get back to normal. Pray that they know they are being held by a loving, caring God.
Blessings 🙂
I join you in your prayers. I’m originally from East Tennessee so I know many of those areas.
I love this Ashley. I, too, grew up in a small town with a close knit family. I was very much a homebody. I wouldn’t even sleep over at my cousin’s house. When I was 23 my parents sold our family home. I was a new Christian at the time. As I strolled along the edge of the woods near our house, I was mourning. Those woods were my special place and I knew the trees and bushes like friends. Just then, I heard the Lord speak to me. He said, “Do you see all these things you love so much? I made them. And wherever you go you will be at home because I will be there.”
Little did I know He had plans to move me to a new place 1,000 miles away, to a job that would take me to many countries around the world. But I am home, because He is with me.
Love how He speaks to us!
Amy, thank you for sharing this. I am still on a journey to find “home.” Currently, I’m blogging stories about my childhood in a boarding school in Nigeria where my parents were missionaries. They first sent me away at age six, and for ten years home was a vacation destination.
So your comment resonated with me, about having to leave your home and how you walked through the woods where you the trees and bushes were your friends. I’m holding onto the loving message you received from God, “Do you see all these things you love so much? I made them. And wherever you go you will be at home because I will be there.” That’s helping me reframe how I think about all the losses I’ve grieved over the years. Thank you!
WOW! Ashley, thank you for sharing this on this particular morning, I needed to hear your words. I was up most of the night screaming at God (in my head) angry and yelling hateful words at Him for the travesty my life has been for most of my 67 years…. Growing up, my family was extremely dysfunctional. My father died of a brain tumor in 1973 when I was 16, LAX airport condemned & bought the only home I knew and loved, along with the entire neighborhood in 1974. We moved three times after that as my mom tried to find a new “home” for us (me & my sister) with little money because my two older siblings demanded their inheritance from my mom immediately after my dad died for themselves, to enrich their young families, which significantly reduced what our mom had left to provide for us (as minors) and give us a place to live. I never felt at home, safe, or like I belonged anywhere since then. Fast forward, I married my “Christian” boyfriend, then after 20 years I discovered he was faking it and was an atheist when we divorced; it rocked my world. The next relationship & marriage brought lots of condemnation, anger, and severe financial burdens from his ex-wife and his family. I gained over 100 pounds trying unsuccessfully to deal with the all of the constant anger & stress. There were over 25 moves around the country in less than 30 years. He had to “chase the money” by getting higher & higher paying jobs to keep his ex-family financially stable and secure, giving hundreds of thousands of dollars (over one million in total) to the ex-wife and her children as they lived settled in their lives in the same home over 35 years, while we struggled. The ex-wife threatened to take my husband to court every year for decades to squeeze more & more money from him (her family is rich, they had one disabled child), to the point where we lived three trailer parks for nearly ten years when we were at financial rock bottom over & over and especially after the crash of 2008, when we list our jobs (in the financial industry) and two homes. We have started from zero a half-dozen times…. We tithed as we could and were praying and hoping for a secure and comfortable financial end to both of us working over 50 years, while still being generous to everyone in our families who needed help, as time runs out on our professional lifespan. All of our siblings were able to inherit millions of dollars, stay put, put down roots, and pay off their homes while we helped them whenever they asked. Not us. I am now disabled after a lifetime of misery and suffering, mostly financially, and two days ago we found out that the company where my husband works is selling out, and we are no where near what we hoped to have with financial independence & security to finally retire in some comfort. If my husband doesn’t lose his job in the next few months, at nearly 70 years old, he will have to work until he dies, I fear. I am very sad, angry, and in despair with no where to turn. Not understanding why God has let this happen to us yet again. How are we going to survive this? My well is also filled with tears…
Margaret- I’m so sorry that you’ve experienced so much suffering. I pray that you feel the Lord’s presence and you know you are held.
Oh my goodness, Margaret, this sounds terrible. My heart just breaks to hear of all the suffering you’ve had. With as generous as you were, it seems like God would’ve blessed you for it. Anyhow, I have no platitudes for you. I just want to say I am so sorry for all you’ve gone through and are still going through.
I had a traumatic childhood, being raised in a boarding school in Nigeria, where my parents were missionaries. The separation from and family beginning at six, along with abuse at the school nearly broke me. But I’ve been fortunate to have been able to marry and settle down, finally feeling loved and safe.
Again, I’m so sorry that you have had struggles all your life and have never had a break, rest, or ease from the struggles.
I especially enjoyed reading this because I was the opposite, a traumatic childhood. It And encouraged me to see how someone with a stable childhood had struggles in later life. Not just those of us with trauma in our childhood.
Pardon the typos! Is there a way I can make corrections right in my comment?
Thank you for the imagery of the well.
Somehow my tears no longer seem so wasted.
I feel like I can relate to parts of your story. I’ve lived in the same house for 25 years and in the same town. Everything has been pretty routine.
However over the past few years I’ve dealt with some really challenging health issues. While I’m no stranger to health issues due to having Cerebral Palsy as long as I can remember. This time was just different. It’s been a long challenging journey that I’m still on because the doctors think they finally have an idea of what my most recent health issues have been after years of doctors, tests, etc. However, I don’t have an official diagnosis yet. Maybe soon though.
Anyways, I appreciate your words and they are a blessing filled with great reminders and comfort,
This is a great reminder for us everyday.
Beautiful journey, when we don’t even realize it; Beautiful directions without a map we know until we look back❤️. Lovely message of hope! Thank you Ashley❤️
What a fantastic message of hope – we’re safe in His hands, whatever things may look like around us. Thank you!
Ashley, it was a joy to share these words with our (in)courage community. I, myself, am the wife of a pastor, so I was nodding along to so much of what you wrote. All grace and strength to you as you continue sharing your story.
Thank you for the opportunity to share my heart.
Thank you. Just moved 10 hours away from the house we raised 4 kids in for 25 years. Left behind three kids and three cats. Wondering when the pain will cease. Going home next week for Thanksgiving and I expect the wound to split wide open. Thank you for your words.
Praying that you will feel held this holiday season.
Thanks so much Ashley for sharing your heart-felt feelings of your life experiences with us which will help so many. Truly grateful for all you do in service to our Father & to others! Love these reminders of the verses that you shared with us, especially in Isaiah 41. A dear christian friend of mine in a different state, much further away just passed away quickly from needing a liver transplant on Nov. 7. Her four grown children and their young families are having a very difficult time without their momma and with the holiday season, it will be terrible for them. I will share these scriptures and hopefully make their day a little BRIGHTER…as we are called to SHINE our LIGHT, LOVE others well, and be an ENCOURAGER “always!”…. Matthew 5:16 God Bless!